It's the little things

Do you do anything for your spouse that is just out of love for them that they may or may not notice?

Every time I go to the store I always get something just for him (snack, drink, card, sweet)... I also refill his coffee throughout the day (works from home) and hang up our daughters favorite new drawings next to his desk each week.

I did... still do to some extent, but now the "nice" things have become an expectation and there is absolutely zero reciprocation. In my single days I learned to cook like a madman because that was a great way to impress a date. When we were dating my wife loved the meals I made and since I'm the better cook anyway she just left it to me. Then began the whole not even getting out of bed to come get it, so I did my nice guy dutiful job of delivering it to her. Years later she tells me that cooking for her isn't a nice, romantic thing to do because, and I quote, "you have to eat anyway". True, but alone I don't need to make roasted game hens and wild rice and serve creme Brule for desert. (yes, homemade and with the crusty burnt sugar top)

I've been an enabler for a manipulator as I was lead to believe that if I was nicer and did more I'd get my needs met. Never came to fruition, and now I still struggle with the lack of help around the house from her. Did I mention that she's a stay at home wife and I work a more than full time job and handle our kids school, doctors, sports, scout schedule?
She still gets her share of nice things coming her way, but I've started scaling back and been making her fend for herself a bit.
Oh, still did the whole card, chocolates, flowers for V-tines day... nothing in return, as usual. Not surprised.

whuffo, instead of easing back, have you considered going cold turkey? A sharp drop-off in your generosity is more likely to be noticed. And while it may lead to a difficult discussion, it would bring the issue to a head. A la, tough love.

You are dead on Mrslowmaintenance, it is a busy, stressful lonely life. Add no time for the things I enjoy that energize me, and no sex to boot and it is a train wreck.
It is almost impressive, though, her systematic takedown of me, my defenses. I'm not a meek, soft-spoken follower type that you would expect this to happen to. I'm a Type-A, strong-willed, military special ops guy who you think would have been able to see through the bullshit and defend against it. But she used some pretty effective tactics of subversion that would make an effective covert operative! Kinda impressive in some ways.
So, here I am, working my ass off day in and day out for an unappreciative, lackluster, sponge of a wife.
And yes. It has come to a head several time in recent arguments where she would bring up leaving and I didn't tell her not to go. She backed down a bit from her controlling, demanding self when I did that. So I've taken the pedestal down quite a bit. I'm just not as invested as I was, but if she leaves I will hardly ever see my kids, and they mean the world to me. We are stationed overseas, so if she left she'd have to head back to the states and I am here for another 2 years. Which is worse, not getting to see your kids grow up, or having an empty shell of a marriage?