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Post by wewbwb on Mar 29, 2017 8:55:11 GMT -5
WindSister started a thread "What's your biggest fear?" Here’s one. I'm broken. My situation. This marriage. I feel like Humpty Dumpty: horses and men can't put me back together again. Therapists have tried, I’m still waiting to hear back from the horses. A friend posed this question to me "Do you think you are ready for another relationship?" I hate him. Anyway I had the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts for a while (never a good thing) and the answer I found is this: Maybe. There are pieces of me which won't fit back together the way they were. Before I became damaged, I smiled more often. I had fun with my friends. I dated. And I loved others and I loved myself. I had value. Imagine the beat down you get when after two decades of being told you're undesirable, not valuable, and essentially unlovable and truly perverted. It takes one hell of a lot of proverbial glue to put yourself back together. Am I the same? No. I am broken. Is this bad? I don't know. Being the optimist that I am and having free time to think (again, not a good place to be) I thought about the Japanese concept of Kintsugi. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kintsugi Will my "brokenness" still have value to someone? Maybe Will I be able to "golden repair" my soul? Maybe As a "broken" piece of art, did I lose my value? Or is it intrinsic? So yes, I am broken but, you know what? I'm ok with that. Hopefully, for the right person, my flaws will be beautiful and cared for and embraced. I'm off to play candy crush. It's just safer for everyone. (BTW- I had help writing this post and it doesn't happen without you. Thank you.)
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Post by cagedtiger on Mar 29, 2017 9:23:39 GMT -5
A stained glass window is beautiful because it's made of a myriad of small, broken pieces fit together to make them into something more than the sum of the pieces. It's all a matter of scale; it can be hard to see the value and potential beauty of all the individual broken pieces when you can only see them one at a time. A skilled artist can see the broken pieces as a whole, see them for what they can be and the innate beauty they already hold, and help coax the pieces back together in a way that makes the whole much more beautiful, and strong, than the sum of the parts.
There is beauty in your soul, and I best no doubt that somewhere out there is an artist who's looking forward to helping you step back and see the bigger picture.
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Post by wewbwb on Mar 29, 2017 9:44:18 GMT -5
there is an artist who's looking forward to helping you step back and see the bigger picture.  Who know it was Jackson Pollock? Great. Just great.... (Sorry, I couldn't resist. Thank You cagedtiger ) |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 29, 2017 11:18:14 GMT -5
My heart is aching.
Beautiful posts boys.
X
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Post by GeekGoddess on Mar 29, 2017 12:25:42 GMT -5
I have learned to embrace my flaws as part of being human - a real human. I'm not perfect at the embracing, but I'm much better at it than I used to be. I hope to find a future partner who also embraces them (literally as well as figuratively), as I know that my partner will also not be perfect, & I hope they will let me love their flaws as much as their good points. By the time we reach a certain age (maybe 12!), we all have baggage & experience & broken parts, put back together or not, maybe even embellished with gold or maybe not. I'm still working on repairs, & some are easier than others. Some may never be completely fixed. I'm trying hard to let stuff heal without forcing. Still trust & avoid putting up armor. I know there are artists out there who will appreciate my kintsugi. Probably more than one. My job is to love my own kintsugi enough to share it honestly with someone else. If they can't hang with my broken & repaired parts, then I hope I have enough faith in myself to not hang with them. And I hope the same for you, wewbwb, and all SM escapees. |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 29, 2017 13:15:32 GMT -5
I think also GeekGoddess that simply recognising we have these broken bits and flaws is a huge step on the way to acceptance of our selves. And by virtue of the fact we are all here and can talk about that stuff, we are all in various stages of our own healing paths. Peace and love. Xxx |
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2017 13:21:55 GMT -5
Wounds and scars, when dealt with properly, are a thing of beauty. Embrace that shit. It's what makes you, you.  |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Mar 29, 2017 15:58:04 GMT -5
Being "too broken" has been a fear of mine as well. It has taken time to repair myself, feel that I am whole again as me, and not the person who I became when I was married. I feel stronger, and that I am a better person for having left my SM, and done so well on my own. Now, I feel the fear of being broken has started getting replaced with the fear of fixing myself too well. Have I gotten too used to being on my own, kept too much of the relationship cynicism, built up my walls to protect my heart too much? Do I fear being hurt again too much to even try? (that is huge for me)  |
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Post by wewbwb on Mar 29, 2017 16:17:16 GMT -5
Being "too broken" has been a fear of mine as well. It has taken time to repair myself, feel that I am whole again as me, and not the person who I became when I was married. I feel stronger, and that I am a better person for having left my SM, and done so well on my own. Now, I feel the fear of being broken has started getting replaced with the fear of fixing myself too well. Have I gotten too used to being on my own, kept too much of the relationship cynicism, built up my walls to protect my heart too much? Do I fear being hurt again too much to even try? (that is huge for me) I hope you do. If you don't - there is a guy out there who will never feel complete because he doesn't have you by his side. |
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 30, 2017 9:51:10 GMT -5
Sometimes I feel so stupid for have stayed so long in a relation that broke me down. That robbed me of myself in a way and blocked so many possibilities. What an idiot I must have been to allow that. And even more so, allowing my daughter to grow up in this bad circumstances. Sometimes I am afraid that I can't act and be truthfully lighthearted because of the past. And I worry about revealing everything about me to someone else because it makes me look like a loser, a beaten person who waited for 30 years to do what's right and worst is it makes me look like a bad mother.
On my better days I think I can accept the way life goes, and just go along and make the best of it. I try to see the beauty in imperfection. I hope it is not to late for change. And I hope to be able to share my life with someone in a relation that is good for both of us.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Mar 30, 2017 9:58:00 GMT -5
tamara68 still being in my SM, this is the stage I am at. I've been such a dick to allow this to go on for so long. But we see it now and are doing something about it now. We were stuck in the foggy mindfuck of manipulation and low self esteem. We were lured in by clever people. But we have seen the light. I can't wait to be where you are  xxx
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Post by WindSister on Mar 30, 2017 10:05:35 GMT -5
I have always loved the Kintsugi concept. You are on an empowering path. Doesn't mean it comes carefree and painfree, but leads to good things. Something my husband and I say is that if there is one thing life has taught us it is "how to love better." Not just others, but ourselves too. I think what that means for us is to soften the harsh, critical gaze we cast on ourselves (and each other or others) and let love blind us a little. Not blind us to the point we become boiled frogs stuck in a pot of marital miserableness again, but blind us enough that we can appreciate the great qualities of ourselves and each other (and others), not taking each other for granted. We don't want to take each other for granted because we know what it feels to be lonely in a marriage and lonely on our own. I was not "unhappy" on my own but I knew I wanted a great relationship. I have that great relationship, but it doesn't come without work - it's the kind of work you love to do, though, when you both share the same intentions (stay together AND stay in love). Those shared intentions are more important than the individual issues you both bring to the table. Everyone is broken. Broken people who know it and work on healing are the best kind of lovers/friends/partners to have. Those who allow themselves to love, love and love again are the happiest people (this was an actual study once, somewhere out there). And this song is a bit emo - but always hits my heart because it's truth. "All my favorite people are broken Believe me My heart should know Some prayers are better left unspoken I just wanna hold you And let the rest go All my friends are part saint and part sinner We lean on each other Try to rise above We're not afraid to admit we're all still beginners We're all late bloomers When it comes to love All my favorite people are broken Believe me My heart should know Orphaned believers, skeptical dreamers Step forward You can stay right here You don't have to go Is each wound you've received Just a burdensome gift? It gets so hard to lift Yourself up off the ground But the poet says, We must praise the mutilated world We're all workin' the graveyard shift You might as well sing along All my favorite people are broken Believe me My heart should know (As for) your tender heart— This world's gonna rip it wide open It ain't gonna be pretty But you're not alone 'Cause all my favorite people are broken Believe me My heart should know Orphaned believers, skeptical dreamers You're welcome Yeah, you're safe right here You don't have to go 'Cause all my favorite people are broken Believe me My heart should know Some prayers are better left unspoken I just wanna hold you And let the rest go |
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Post by WindSister on Mar 30, 2017 10:08:52 GMT -5
I may have swayed a bit from the original intent of the message -- I do that a lot. What I want to say is, YES you are worthy of love and bring so much to another, broken, repaired, missing pieces and all. Certainly, anyone reading this, do not let that fear keep you stuck in a relationship that offers no shared joy, shared intentions or shared intimacy/love.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Apr 3, 2017 15:18:42 GMT -5
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Post by Rhapsodee on Apr 4, 2017 16:20:23 GMT -5
I love the look of a mosaic. I like how all the broken little pieces come together make a beautiful picture. Occasionally one of the little pieces becomes damaged, so the artist simply chisels out that piece, clears away the rubble and replaces it with a new one. We are all broken. We are all damaged. You're a beautiful work of art, wewbwb. |
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xxx
