Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2017 19:51:25 GMT -5
I had a friend (Robin) come visit me last weekend.
Robin has a lot of problems: health problems, marital problems, family problems...you name it.
She wanted to come visit me to help me feel better about my mother's serious illness. But while she was here, most of the time I felt like her unpaid therapist. She talked about all the things that are hurting her, and I listened.
And this is a recurring pattern for me. Twice in my life before, I've had a close female friend who needed so much emotional support that I felt drained after spending time with her.
I talked to my therapist about this pattern. She says that I need to set boundaries - if I'm getting too stressed out from listening to another person's pain, I need to tell that person I need a break - and we should do some activity that interrupts the one-sided conversation.
Have any of the rest of you noticed unhealthy recurring patterns in your life, that had nothing to do with love and sex?
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jul 6, 2017 19:59:33 GMT -5
That was very kind of you Kat.
I would recommend if she ever visits again you have an itinerary that gets you both out doing things a movie, a show, an art exhibit - things that distract where the time isn't monopolized as a therapy session.
Again you are a good friend to her and a kind person.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jul 6, 2017 22:05:21 GMT -5
Yes Sister @smartkat .
I have a recurring issue with myself and my thinking.
I call it "going to Catastrophe Crescent"
In this most unhelpful thing, I am presented with a scenario - let's say as an example (from years back) one of my kids said they'd be home by midnight, and it is now 2am.
For the intervening two hour period, my mind will gradually explore all the possible things that might be happening, complete with mental pictures of an inert body lying on the road near a wrecked car etc etc etc etc etc etc.
With a lot of work, I have been able to get on top of this - for the most part - and instead of rushing straight out to the end of "Catastrophe Crescent" I can just go a few steps down that route and stop.
Usually.
But, under enough stress, it will still happen.
Anecdote
Had a call from my missus in April 2015 saying she was in hospital after a suspected heart attack asking if I would come down and look after the kids etc.
I left almost immediately for the 4 hour drive, and off my mind went, running scenarios of "what if" she ends up with some huge medical bill, she is hospitalised for months etc etc etc etc etc all the way to what if she carks it, is there a will, how would the kids react etc etc etc etc.
Anyway, she DID die a couple of days later.
And I was stoic, and a rock for my kids.
I was mentally prepped for this event. I'd already been there in my head you see.
So in this case there was value in going out to the end of "Catastrophe Crescent" - - - I guess.
But fuck, going to "Catastrophe Crescent" (needlessly 99 times out of 100) sure takes a toll on one.
I don't do it as much these days, but you put me under enough pressure and it strikes me like a snake.
That's my recurring unhealthy pattern.
And I fucken hate it.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jul 7, 2017 8:58:49 GMT -5
Isn't that hard? When YOU are grieving, suffering and others don't let you talk about it? They say they understand and then dive right into what is bothering them? I learned that most after Dad died -- *I* was suffering (freshly) yet I had to often console others on THEIR grief as they went on and on about how they understood how I felt by rehashing their own grief. Soon I learned just to say I was fine so I didn't have to go there with anyone. That was my boundary. I had a few people I could be honest with who would listen, not add to my grief with theirs. I like to think I return the favor. I am very sensitive about that now -- to listen, not add. Of course in forums like this, we all get talking, sometimes I may do that inadvertently. But forums like this are meant for that -- we are all exploring things in our lives and writing is powerful.
Anyway -- yes, set those boundaries and if someone drains you, make it higher!
As for your question.. patterns? Definitely. Not always easy breaking them, but a good start to see them.
P.S. Now you know this friend of yours doesn't make you feel better at all, so you can say no next time. ((hugs)) thinking of you and sending you good thoughts.
|
|
|
|
Post by wewbwb on Jul 7, 2017 9:40:26 GMT -5
Have any of the rest of you noticed unhealthy recurring patterns in your life, that had nothing to do with love and sex?  Fortunately, they are getting further apart.  |
|
|
|
Post by novembercomingfire on Jul 7, 2017 12:23:56 GMT -5
I would say being visited by my inner defectiveness. That voice that continually tells me that I am not good enough, that I am unworthy. However, I am coming to realize that this seems to be about 110% coincidental with proximity to my wife, so I am hoping that zip code therapy will work wonders.
|
|
|
|
Post by novembercomingfire on Jul 7, 2017 12:25:26 GMT -5
I would say being visited by my inner defectiveness. That voice that continually tells me that I am not good enough, that I am unworthy. However, I am coming to realize that this seems to be about 110% coincidental with proximity to my wife, so I am hoping that zip code therapy will work wonders.
|
|
