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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 3, 2019 20:26:05 GMT -5
Things are getting wierd...
Had a big fight yesterday. It was all over the place. Started out with me questioning some messages on her phone and it all went to hell in a hand basket in a hurry. Packed my bags started to load the car. She panicked, wouldnt let me leave. Wanted to talk. I didnt want to talk...blah, blah blah
Long story short, she was pissed I thought she was cheating, why would I think that, blah blah blah. I basically said if she wasnt fucking me then she must be fucking someone else. Meaningless back and forth at this point.
We did get to a point where we had a long 2 hour conversation then I went to bed. Woke up a few hours later and we had another 2 hour conversation. She wanted to cuddle. Then she wanted to fuck...so we did.
Things were calm this morning. Really strange calm. But she was paying a lot of attention to me. What Im wearing, how it looks, indirect covert comments about my package, what cologne am I wearing and so forth.
She worked the rare late shift this evening and asked if I could drive her to work. We stop for coffee first. Asks if I want to share her pastry. I could have gone for the double entendre here but I passed.
On the drive she asked how my day was. Im thinking who is this woman? Then she asked, how my day was sentimentally speaking. I responded. Brief but direct cause I sensed she had something to say. She then says that after our conversation in the evening she realized how bad things had gotten and how she had come to view me through such a pessimistic lens and that spilled over to her behavior towards me. She expressed regret and remorse that she didnt realize how bad things were. And that she feels she has acted terribly. And for the first time in a long time, she is starting to talk about working on the relationship.
Its really strange because Im not exactly ecstatic about this development but more ambivalent to sceptical. Dont get me wrong, I do want to work on the relationship, but in an indirect way, by working on me, or not stop that momentum. Its clear thought that she wants to put some effort, and Im supportive of that. I do feel a great deal of discomfort with the fact things had to get to this point to have the coversation. She agreed with that as well.
And so it goes.
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Post by deadzone75 on Sept 3, 2019 21:14:01 GMT -5
Things are getting wierd... Had a big fight yesterday. It was all over the place. Started out with me questioning some messages on her phone and it all went to hell in a hand basket in a hurry. Packed my bags started to load the car. She panicked, wouldnt let me leave. Wanted to talk. I didnt want to talk...blah, blah blah Long story short, she was pissed I thought she was cheating, why would I think that, blah blah blah. I basically said if she wasnt fucking me then she must be fucking someone else. Meaningless back and forth at this point. We did get to a point where we had a long 2 hour conversation then I went to bed. Woke up a few hours later and we had another 2 hour conversation. She wanted to cuddle. Then she wanted to fuck...so we did. Things were calm this morning. Really strange calm. But she was paying a lot of attention to me. What Im wearing, how it looks, indirect covert comments about my package, what cologne am I wearing and so forth. She worked the rare late shift this evening and asked if I could drive her to work. We stop for coffee first. Asks if I want to share her pastry. I could have gone for the double entendre here but I passed. On the drive she asked how my day was. Im thinking who is this woman? Then she asked, how my day was sentimentally speaking. I responded. Brief but direct cause I sensed she had something to say. She then says that after our conversation in the evening she realized how bad things had gotten and how she had come to view me through such a pessimistic lens and that spilled over to her behavior towards me. She expressed regret and remorse that she didnt realize how bad things were. And that she feels she has acted terribly. And for the first time in a long time, she is starting to talk about working on the relationship. Its really strange because Im not exactly ecstatic about this development but more ambivalent to sceptical. Dont get me wrong, I do want to work on the relationship, but in an indirect way, by working on me, or not stop that momentum. Its clear thought that she wants to put some effort, and Im supportive of that. I do feel a great deal of discomfort with the fact things had to get to this point to have the coversation. She agreed with that as well. And so it goes. Did she explain the messages on her phone to your satisfaction? |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 4, 2019 9:19:23 GMT -5
It was one of those things where the text is ambiguous without knowing the context.
I questioned it because of the current state of the relationship.
That said , my guard is still up.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 14, 2019 6:58:40 GMT -5
More wierdness.
In recent discussions, W revealed that I once went 6 months without touching her. Granted this was awhile back, maybe 9, 10 years. I find this hard to believe. It doesnt help that my mind is foggy and I dont remember.
If its true, I feel terrible. At the same time, she admitted that Ive never denied her sex. So we went 6 months without, but she never sought to initiate.
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Post by Apocrypha on Sept 16, 2019 15:51:39 GMT -5
More wierdness. In recent discussions, W revealed that I once went 6 months without touching her. Granted this was awhile back, maybe 9, 10 years. I find this hard to believe. It doesnt help that my mind is foggy and I dont remember. If its true, I feel terrible. At the same time, she admitted that Ive never denied her sex. So we went 6 months without, but she never sought to initiate. I'd be curious to ask her how she felt about that, or why she brought it up? Is she trying to tell you that 9 or 10 years ago, this happened and she felt horrible about it, but left it unresolved? Or, was she posing it as an example that she feels you should live up to. As if to say, "See, I went 6 months without - no big deal - why go ruin everything?" |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Sept 17, 2019 6:49:56 GMT -5
Good questions. Admittedly I assumed the former. That she left it unresolved. But it might be the latter. I'll have to dig a little there. In other news, we are heading to a new normal. Sex has returned. It is very good. She is slowly becoming uninhibited again, but in a different way. After such long dry spells, it almost feels like Im with a new person which is exciting but we manage to avoid the awkwardness that comes from unfamiliarity. She is having trouble with orgasms. Its takes her a while to get there. She gets frustrated. Its something we talk about. Relationship is improving. I think both our attitudes have changed significantly since I first came here 2 years ago. She is slowly letting her guard down. Starting to trust again. Im being more attentive to the relationship dynamics. One of my revelations since coming here is that I have been delinquent in managing relationship dynamics. It caused great damage to emotional intimacy. Looking back, SO is a great person. But she felt exposed and let down by me emotionally. So she put up protections. Ive since started to realize my shortcomings as it pertains to the relationship and have tried to reconnect on that basis. It has taken a while to get her to respond but I think she is coming around. Still, I dont think we are out of the woods, but headed in a good direction. There are many details Im leaving out because I could probably fill books. Ok...the amusing bit. This is speculation but there has to be some truth to it. She is very touchy, feely lately. She really likes touching my arms when walking by. When we have sex its touching the arms and my chest. Just last night we were out at the supermarket and with her arms around my waist she lifts my shirt just enough so she could put her hand inside and give the abs a touch. It has been forever since she made such a bold display of affection in public. We have returned to locking lips lingeringly in public as well. To be fair, I have been getting a lot of comments since I started working out. Mostly about looking younger and muscle tone. I now fit in my wedding suit. Why is this amusing? Well my speculation is that she likes the new body. Im suggesting that physically, its appealing to her to the point she gets aroused. Someone I know had advised me that this might happen. I wasnt so sure. I dont think she would admit this, but its funny to watch. More wierdness. In recent discussions, W revealed that I once went 6 months without touching her. Granted this was awhile back, maybe 9, 10 years. I find this hard to believe. It doesnt help that my mind is foggy and I dont remember. If its true, I feel terrible. At the same time, she admitted that Ive never denied her sex. So we went 6 months without, but she never sought to initiate. I'd be curious to ask her how she felt about that, or why she brought it up? Is she trying to tell you that 9 or 10 years ago, this happened and she felt horrible about it, but left it unresolved? Or, was she posing it as an example that she feels you should live up to. As if to say, "See, I went 6 months without - no big deal - why go ruin everything?" |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 22, 2020 1:50:43 GMT -5
Hello.
Hope everyone is safe and doing well.
What a fucking shitshow 2020 has been, eh?
I wanted to check in and just give some signs of life.
I'll be very upfront and say that the past 8 months have been the most emotionally challenging for me. For many reasons, I've had quite the down turn. Especially financially.
But my spirit is alive and well. Im fucking fighting every day and I dont plan to lose.
While it has been challenging and admittedly mentally and emotionally exhausting, I acknowledge Im fortunate in many ways. Most importantly, Im with the people I love and despite the setbacks, Im still able to provide stablity and emotional well being.
The flip side is that Ive had to absorb alot and keep a poker face when deep down inside there are days when I question every decision Ive ever made. I take it in stride however. I know I'll come out stronger on the other side of this.
A silver lining is that Ive had an opportunity to work on a lot of things. Ive done significant work around the house. Ive significantly increase my baking and cooking skills. There is nothing more satisfying to me than seeing people enjoy the food you've prepared. And the effort is contagious as my kids join in and learn to prepare food for themselves.
Thats all I have.
On the relationship front...Im still 50/50 on a future divorce. Ive learned a lot these past few years. I accept responsibilty for my faults in the relationaship while holding her to account.
I love my wife. The question is, is it enough? I truly dont know. There are some things about her that drive me mad. And she will never change. Im sure she would say the same. And the sex? Its not enough for me.
Strangely enough, as I approach 50, Ive found my libido starting to "ripen". Dont get me wrong. Im still very attracted to my wife and would never turn down a bj/hand job or what ever was on offer. But the need to want sex every day and the disappointment of not getting it has lessened. Fair to say that Ive become more receptive to intimacy in other forms. Ironically, I think that receptiveness has made me more attractive to my wife than in previous years.
And so it goes....
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Post by sadkat on Apr 22, 2020 12:11:06 GMT -5
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 2, 2021 0:28:54 GMT -5
TLDR - Get your shit sorted
Hello fellow members. Thought I would come say hello after being away for awhile. I haven't been around because I got to a point in my journey where I felt the ILIASM site did not advance my progress. I hope no one takes offense to that. Maybe it will be clearer after I explain.
I came back here today because I thought maybe I might be able to contribute something of some use to some of you. Thats the intent any way. Here's to wishful thinking.
Things are pretty stable on the home front. Sex is non existent though. Last time was August of last year. It was pretty decent if I recall. But after that I stopped trying. I guess thats a good segue into the point of the post. I stopped trying to "work on the relationship".
Instead, Ive continued to devote energy to work on myself. In the process I feel I have moved towards peace. Inner peace.
It hasn't been easy. Some days its easy to look at yourself and say I could do better there and take action to improve. Other days you wonder what the f*** you were thinking making the decisions you did. Those days are a challenge for me. But I remind myself that regret is not productive other than a lesson in owning your decisions.
I have found some resources that are useful for me. And I try to consume those each day. I also make time to do the work necessary to make progress. This is never easy but I do it because its what I want.
The things I work on are my health (physical and mental), my wealth(finances), my appearance (vanity), my relationships (professional and personal) and to some extent, advancing professionally. I do have hobbies that I enjoy for my emotional well being.
I work on all these things to build a better me. So that I can lead a deliberate and meaningful life. In being the best person I can be, I hope to provide a meaningful life for those that depend on me (my family).
The sexual desires are still there but they have taken a back seat to the other areas of my life I choose to prioritize. It feels empowering to experience sexuality this way. Like I am not beholden to lust and desire or the absence of it. I encourage you to try to experience it this way. I did pursue affair partners (APs) for awhile with mixed and sometimes hilarious results. But in the end, I decided I want to devote that energy to improving myself.
I don't intend to make it sound like its all unicorns and rainbows. Far from it. I've had to deal with very difficult situations in the past 18 months. But I've chosen to deal with it from a purposeful mindset. Mindset is super important. Having good mental models helps. If you have not heard of mental models before, its well worth looking into. Very powerful stuff.
And so I will stop there. Working on myself has been a tremendous catalyst in my journey. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I feel like Im on the road to getting there. Contrast this with where I was when I first landed here almost 4 years ago, drifting aimlessly in a violent ocean of despair. Again, I hope this is useful to anyone that might be reading.
Will be happy to answer any questions if you have them.
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Post by baza on Jun 2, 2021 2:08:38 GMT -5
Sorting out your own shit is a very difficult path to choose, and there is not much instant gratification to be had on the journey either. You might only now be seeing the benefit of choices you made in May 2020. And of the choices you make today you may not see a pay off until May 2022. But incrementally things change. My only suggestion to you Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo is to keep following your process. The outcome(s) will look after themselves. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 2, 2021 17:36:04 GMT -5
1000x times this. One of the mantras Ive adopted is to embrace the process that leads towards excellence. It can be painful at times, but the process is where the magic happens. Stay strong friends. Good to hear from you bazaSorting out your own shit is a very difficult path to choose, and there is not much instant gratification to be had on the journey either. You might only now be seeing the benefit of choices you made in May 2020. And of the choices you make today you may not see a pay off until May 2012. But incrementally things change. My only suggestion to you Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo is to keep following your process. The outcome(s) will look after themselves. |
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Post by sadkat on Jun 2, 2021 21:09:37 GMT -5
TLDR - Get your shit sorted Hello fellow members. Thought I would come say hello after being away for awhile. I haven't been around because I got to a point in my journey where I felt the ILIASM site did not advance my progress. I hope no one takes offense to that. Maybe it will be clearer after I explain. I came back here today because I thought maybe I might be able to contribute something of some use to some of you. Thats the intent any way. Here's to wishful thinking. Things are pretty stable on the home front. Sex is non existent though. Last time was August of last year. It was pretty decent if I recall. But after that I stopped trying. I guess thats a good segue into the point of the post. I stopped trying to "work on the relationship". Instead, Ive continued to devote energy to work on myself. In the process I feel I have moved towards peace. Inner peace. It hasn't been easy. Some days its easy to look at yourself and say I could do better there and take action to improve. Other days you wonder what the f*** you were thinking making the decisions you did. Those days are a challenge for me. But I remind myself that regret is not productive other than a lesson in owning your decisions. I have found some resources that are useful for me. And I try to consume those each day. I also make time to do the work necessary to make progress. This is never easy but I do it because its what I want. The things I work on are my health (physical and mental), my wealth(finances), my appearance (vanity), my relationships (professional and personal) and to some extent, advancing professionally. I do have hobbies that I enjoy for my emotional well being. I work on all these things to build a better me. So that I can lead a deliberate and meaningful life. In being the best person I can be, I hope to provide a meaningful life for those that depend on me (my family). The sexual desires are still there but they have taken a back seat to the other areas of my life I choose to prioritize. It feels empowering to experience sexuality this way. Like I am not beholden to lust and desire or the absence of it. I encourage you to try to experience it this way. I did pursue affair partners (APs) for awhile with mixed and sometimes hilarious results. But in the end, I decided I want to devote that energy to improving myself. I don't intend to make it sound like its all unicorns and rainbows. Far from it. I've had to deal with very difficult situations in the past 18 months. But I've chosen to deal with it from a purposeful mindset. Mindset is super important. Having good mental models helps. If you have not heard of mental models before, its well worth looking into. Very powerful stuff. And so I will stop there. Working on myself has been a tremendous catalyst in my journey. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I feel like Im on the road to getting there. Contrast this with where I was when I first landed here almost 4 years ago, drifting aimlessly in a violent ocean of despair. Again, I hope this is useful to anyone that might be reading. Will be happy to answer any questions if you have them. It’s good to hear from you. Thanks for checking in with us and letting us know how you are doing. It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress. Kudos to you! I hope you’ll be back a bit more frequently but understand how this forum may not be useful to you right now. |
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Post by jerri on Jun 3, 2021 9:43:58 GMT -5
Hello fellow members. Thought I would come say hello after being away for awhile. I haven't been around because I got to a point in my journey where I felt the ILIASM site did not advance my progress. I hope no one takes offense to that. Maybe it will be clearer after I explain. I came back here today because I thought maybe I might be able to contribute something of some use to some of you. Thats the intent any way. Here's to wishful thinking. Things are pretty stable on the home front. Sex is non existent though. Last time was August of last year. It was pretty decent if I recall. But after that I stopped trying. I guess thats a good segue into the point of the post. I stopped trying to "work on the relationship". Instead, Ive continued to devote energy to work on myself. In the process I feel I have moved towards peace. Inner peace. It hasn't been easy. Some days its easy to look at yourself and say I could do better there and take action to improve. Other days you wonder what the f*** you were thinking making the decisions you did. Those days are a challenge for me. But I remind myself that regret is not productive other than a lesson in owning your decisions. I have found some resources that are useful for me. And I try to consume those each day. I also make time to do the work necessary to make progress. This is never easy but I do it because its what I want. The things I work on are my health (physical and mental), my wealth(finances), my appearance (vanity), my relationships (professional and personal) and to some extent, advancing professionally. I do have hobbies that I enjoy for my emotional well being. I work on all these things to build a better me. So that I can lead a deliberate and meaningful life. In being the best person I can be, I hope to provide a meaningful life for those that depend on me (my family). The sexual desires are still there but they have taken a back seat to the other areas of my life I choose to prioritize. It feels empowering to experience sexuality this way. Like I am not beholden to lust and desire or the absence of it. I encourage you to try to experience it this way. I did pursue affair partners (APs) for awhile with mixed and sometimes hilarious results. But in the end, I decided I want to devote that energy to improving myself. I don't intend to make it sound like its all unicorns and rainbows. Far from it. I've had to deal with very difficult situations in the past 18 months. But I've chosen to deal with it from a purposeful mindset. Mindset is super important. Having good mental models helps. If you have not heard of mental models before, its well worth looking into. Very powerful stuff. And so I will stop there. Working on myself has been a tremendous catalyst in my journey. I'm nowhere near where I want to be, but I feel like Im on the road to getting there. Contrast this with where I was when I first landed here almost 4 years ago, drifting aimlessly in a violent ocean of despair. Again, I hope this is useful to anyone that might be reading. Will be happy to answer any questions if you have them. Welcome back! TheGreatContender -aka DaddeeoHindsight is 20/20. I think it is much harder to grasp not getting sex ever again until I went years without it. I always thought if I found the magical BJ or spiced up fun that I would be just fine. The books said keep it new and fun and I would be just fine. I didn't have starfish sex and when I had sex it seemed like he was having fun. I lost sex little by little. When I realized I would no longer get sex it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks and I gingerly, kindly, asserted that I could no longer go without sex. To get back to you your point how do we ever really know it is the end of our sex life with our partners when they dish out some sex now and then as yours did. I have been working on myself since the 90's because I feel so much better when I say yes to me. I slack off then pick up where I left off. And that meant opening the marriage on my side. I had some pen-pals at first then a mentor told me to drop them and get serious about getting my sexual needs met. I looked only at long-term sexless M's at that point and put in an ad in the MBL sites. Fast forward a decade and my FWB will no longer be traveling to my city in a month. My sex will be coming to an end. But has made plans to meet up again for a grand finale mini-vacation. It will be interesting to see if I can go without sex again. In the meantime, my dear husband has said "I haven't forgotten about you" (I said nothing) |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 22, 2021 7:40:24 GMT -5
...I did pursue affair partners (APs) for awhile with mixed and sometimes hilarious results. But in the end, I decided I want to devote that energy to improving myself. Will be happy to answer any questions if you have them. Were the APs long ago, or in the past year since your past update? I went through teh whole thread and the APs weren't featured much. |
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DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Jun 30, 2021 3:50:16 GMT -5
A good post. I enjoyed the update. I sometimes wish people would come back more with an update, and not just vanish. Even if it is hard to hear type stuff.
Very similar to you I am trying to work on me. Covid has not helped as I wanted to travel the world. I wanted a few months away, on my own. Not trying to find me, just trying to get out and meet people, see my friends around the world. Anyway that didn't happen.
My wife is a obsessive worker. Funnily enough the other night I tried, and for the bazillionth time, I failed. I used to get angry in my head when she'd just lay there, locked up in the fetal position, solid as a rock, I'd give up, she'd then say some flimsy comment after I would give up ... I would just ignore it, what do you do I would be saying in my head, be angry. So the last six months I have given up really. I suppose it what she wants, who knows. I suppose it's a case of he leaves me alone.
I have also worked out what friends are true friends, and I no longer associate with, they know why, those that just "took" from me. mentally, physically and more importantly emotionally .. that has helped a lot too.
At some point soon I think I will have an honest chat with my wife, and tell her how I am, how her near constant need to work(she is in mgt at teaching), and be drained, and have nothing left for her family, really risks her having no family very soon. My children love her but come to me for all their main needs, of course their mum is their mum and she is always there for them. This is lovely but often I so dearly want to speak to them about my emotional needs, but you cannot, you are a dad and dads have to stay strong for their children, well I do. My father played away from home many times, and I fully understand why now.
Anyway, great update. Keep the faith.
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