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Post by njsojourner on Dec 29, 2017 13:27:43 GMT -5
I have been thinking about my sexless marriage for quite sometime. The choices that I hear over and over, including from my therapist, are: (1)leave the marriage and seek intimacy with another partner; (2)stay in the marriage and forget about sex with my wife and just man up and move on--there is more to life than sex; (3)stay in the marriage and "outsource" either with or without my wife's knowledge and permission. None of these options are especially good and all have their downsides and they are obvious. I had begun to cope somewhat better by trying #2 until last week when two separate but connected things happened. Context: after being overweight and not in great physical shape for the last 20 years, I decided four years ago to change: got a personal trainer and started working out 5 days per week, followed healthy eating, etc., and have lost and kept off 60 lbs. I have never been in better shape. That's the context. A few days before Christmas while in the locker room changing after a workout, with my trainer there while we were discussing my workout, a guy I have seen from time to time walked by and said to me "Dude, you look great. I've been watching your transformation. Amazing." Then he winked at me and went out the door. My trainer cracked up laughing. He said it was a first that someone hit on a client in front of him. I said it was the first time someone called me "dude." I was embarrassed. And of course I thought now that I am in better shape you'd think it would get my wife's juices flowing so to speak. Nothing of course. I do get it--it's a medical thing for her. But then, yesterday, while I was enjoying a coffee break down in our Starbucks, a coworker came over and sat down right next to me at the counter. She was so close to me, her leg touched mine and she kept it there. As we talked about our holiday and families, she got close to my face. Truthfully, I got scared and pulled back a bit. At one point when we laughed at something she touch my leg with her hand. Confession time... I got so horny and aroused I thought I'd die. I had to turn myself away towards the wall a bit so she wouldn't see my erection. But I can still smell her scent. And there, right there, I decided that I cannot live without sex the rest of my life. As humans we are not meant to be without it--it's like water and food. Without it we starve.
So where will this go? I don't know yet. My wife has been an amazing partner in all ways except this. Divorce will mean we will both have a stressful retirement (if I even get one). I won't play at work--too risky and often ends badly. In the short run until I figure it out, I will continue my daily routine of releasing myself in the shower in the morning and again at bedtime. It's not the same but it prevents that messy build up. Happy New Year!
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Post by orangepeel on Dec 29, 2017 13:35:03 GMT -5
I know the feeling. Fidelity is all very well in theory, but the practice is a different thing altogether. We just weren’t made not to fuck. In fact, to state the obvious, we are made to fuck, whether your viewpoint is Darwinian or Christian is whatever: we have been specifically designed for PIV. And when it’s withdrawn and we then see possibilities resurface, Ps and Vs go on the move!
Nice to feel alive at least, though, isn’t it?
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 29, 2017 13:58:15 GMT -5
You have some important decisions to make. My bet is that, as you make them and find your happiness, you will begin to shed the idea, "[everything is great except the sex.]"
Congratulations on your transformation. Obviously, it has been successful.
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Post by worksforme2 on Dec 29, 2017 14:47:31 GMT -5
Having read your back stories I applaud you for the support and love you have given your W up to this point. Medical and abuse issues are the one's so difficult to deal with. In one post you stated that you and your W had talked about doing things other than PIV. Why have you not followed up on this? It isn't PIV but being able to pleasure your mate sexually reinforces the bonds that hold a marriage together. I would hope neither of you find oral or anal activities to be something that repulses you. If the 2 of you are willing and you desire to please each other then I would hope you have that conversation with your W again.
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Post by h on Dec 30, 2017 6:43:14 GMT -5
I know what you mean. Maybe it was something similar but not quite so overt that triggered me to start searching for answers. A smile from a co-worker that lingered just a bit longer than normal, a touch on the arm in passing through a doorway, I can't pinpoint an instance and likely none of them were intentionally suggestive but my intimacy starved mind interpreted them as such. Then last year I started looking. Last spring I found this place.
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Post by M2G on Dec 30, 2017 12:04:47 GMT -5
Yeah what h said - it's like an electric shock that says "HEY! Your'e an attractive person and people may like you!" Feels pretty damn good. Choices are the same though at home, but for me it seems to lift the mood a little. If you go with #2 - I would echo worksforme2
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Post by njsojourner on Jan 1, 2018 9:13:28 GMT -5
Having read your back stories I applaud you for the support and love you have given your W up to this point. Medical and abuse issues are the one's so difficult to deal with. In one post you stated that you and your W had talked about doing things other than PIV. Why have you not followed up on this? It isn't PIV but being able to pleasure your mate sexually reinforces the bonds that hold a marriage together. I would hope neither of you find oral or anal activities to be something that repulses you. If the 2 of you are willing and you desire to please each other then I would hope you have that conversation with your W again. I think the reason I have not pursued other things with my wife is simply anger and mixed signals. Most evenings she spends time on her ipad either window shopping or messaging kids, friends, etc. She was never a big fan of oral though she did try. Anal isn't something she would do--we tried way back and she didn't like it. She has been open to hand jobs. Whoppie! I guess I have to decide if something is better than nothing.
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Post by njsojourner on Jan 1, 2018 9:20:54 GMT -5
Following up on much of what I have read here, it seems that it is rare that once one enters into the realm of a SM that it turns into a sex filled or at least sex satisfying marriage. That is the sense I am getting on this forum. Maybe I haven't read all the post yet but that's my sense. It may seem depressing and I suppose it is on one level but ultimately it does seem to lead many people to make decisions and choices that though painful at first may lead them to a better place. That is my New Year's wish for myself and everyone here.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 1, 2018 9:44:02 GMT -5
Having read your back stories I applaud you for the support and love you have given your W up to this point. Medical and abuse issues are the one's so difficult to deal with. In one post you stated that you and your W had talked about doing things other than PIV. Why have you not followed up on this? It isn't PIV but being able to pleasure your mate sexually reinforces the bonds that hold a marriage together. I would hope neither of you find oral or anal activities to be something that repulses you. If the 2 of you are willing and you desire to please each other then I would hope you have that conversation with your W again. I think the reason I have not pursued other things with my wife is simply anger and mixed signals. Most evenings she spends time on her ipad either window shopping or messaging kids, friends, etc. She was never a big fan of oral though she did try. Anal isn't something she would do--we tried way back and she didn't like it. She has been open to hand jobs. Whoppie! I guess I have to decide if something is better than nothing. It's sad when there is so much baggage with a spouse that it would be easier to make love with a stranger than with the person who professes to love you.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Jan 1, 2018 18:54:43 GMT -5
Now that you have realised that you cant live without intimacy your thinking will be a lot clearer. Some advice from someone that has outsourced, if you are planning to go down this road be very discreet. Indeed see a lawyer and find out how a divorce will pan out for you. Based on the advice given prepare a suitable exit plan just in case the unthinkable happens and your refuser somehow finds out about your affair. She might decide to blow up the marriage taking matters out of your hands. At least you would be well prepared.
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Post by wom360 on Jan 1, 2018 20:23:26 GMT -5
Following up on much of what I have read here, it seems that it is rare that once one enters into the realm of a SM that it turns into a sex filled or at least sex satisfying marriage. That is the sense I am getting on this forum. Maybe I haven't read all the post yet but that's my sense. It may seem depressing and I suppose it is on one level but ultimately it does seem to lead many people to make decisions and choices that though painful at first may lead them to a better place. That is my New Year's wish for myself and everyone here. There’s no fixing it. The 3 choices are all there are. Leave, Stay, cheat. There’s no fix in there. What’s more, doing nothing is a choice (#2) and you have to own whatever your choice is.
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Post by M2G on Jan 2, 2018 6:18:55 GMT -5
..Too - I think there is a need in these situations to realize that loving someone, if you truly love that person, may not be enough for you to give up physical intimacy for the rest of your life.
If that person truly loves you, but doesn't desire you / doesn't want to have sex with you, then you're living with a roommate/sibling-figure in a situation that will never resolve itself. You will need to DO something about it on your own.
Many times I feel myself wishing that, like many in this forum, I could come to to actively dislike my partner. For me its more a dislike of the situation. Sure I get pissed off, but always (to date) come back around to forgiveness. Forgiveness and love though, are not enough for me long-term (forever).
End of day, staying in such a situation is going to breed and feed contempt and possibly irrevocable hatred on both sides. I want to get out before that happens.
Does that make sense?
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Post by njsojourner on Mar 22, 2020 15:42:37 GMT -5
I thought I'd gove an update to my situation. In this age of Coronavirus, who knows where we are going but one thing I know is that I am happy I decided about two years ago to outsource. I am still enjoying sex with new partners and still have managed to keep it from my wife. We still love each other but don't have sex --can't even mention it to her even if it is in a casual benign way (e.g., something on TV) because she takes it as a backdoor swipe at her. So I don't. I have surprised myself that I am doing this because I have never been particularly "out there" in my behavior but I couldn't stand it anymore. I do have one lady friend I see more than others--we are both in the same situation--her husband doesn't want sex anymore and my wife doesn't. Sometimes it is weeks before we can get together and then we do have mind-blowing sex. I am happy, still healthy. Still have some guilt but it has faded away greatly. I won't be seeing anyone anytime soon with this virus but I am glad it hasn't been years since I last had sex--only weeks. What I am doing is certainly not for everyone but it has worked for me and for many others I have met online or in-person since I started. We should start a club! I wish everyone well and good health in this new world we are living in. Ciao.
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Post by baza on Mar 22, 2020 18:30:27 GMT -5
The introduction of a 3rd party into an ILIASM situation is invariably a game changer. In this case Brother njsojourner , the game change here reads like being that outsourcing has enabled you to stay in your ILIASM deal - when otherwise you might not have. And if that's the outcome you wanted, then it's a good choice. . . so far. The potential weakness is your missus not remaining as unaware of the situation as she presently must be. That, could be a real big game changer if she finds out.
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Post by njsojourner on Aug 2, 2021 21:19:56 GMT -5
Indeed,the danger is always being discovered. But I don’t care any more. My kids are grown. My wife is happy in her own world. I am happy in mine. Again, when we are together we enjoy each others company —just no sex. Having said that I have my friend. I will call her Cam. She has me a little nervous at times because she likes sex a bit more ‘edgy” than I do. We meet up at different hotels (we love the Dayuse app). It started with plain vanilla sex. I remember my first time with her I savored her smell. It had so long Since I was that close to a naked woman. I just wanted to hold her. We both had tears in our eyes. But it quickly moved to passionate sex. As time has gone on, she has wanted me to try mew things. She loves anal and recently said she wanted to fuck me! I was like what? I thought I can’t do that! But she didn’t give up and she started playing with my ass—her finger,then her tongue. After a few weeks of that I gave in and let her try with her dildo. Well, I am hooked. She bought a strap on and regularly gives me a good pounding. I never could have imagined. Recently she bit my nipple so hard it left a mark. My wife saw me getting out of the shower and asked what happened. I said I forgot to take off my necklace when I went to bed yesterday and slept on it and it scratched me. She seems to buy it. LOL.
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