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Post by brian on Jan 31, 2018 12:49:10 GMT -5
Maybe I should re-read the entire thread, but is it possible that maybe she had an affair, feels guilty, and wants you to have one also to relieve some of her guilt? Or maybe set you up so that she has the upper hand in any divorce proceedings due to infidelity?
Sorry, but this is where my mind is atm.
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Post by bertie1471 on Jan 31, 2018 15:29:39 GMT -5
Maybe I should re-read the entire thread, but is it possible that maybe she had an affair, feels guilty, and wants you to have one also to relieve some of her guilt? Or maybe set you up so that she has the upper hand in any divorce proceedings due to infidelity? Sorry, but this is where my mind is atm. Hmmm. Not sure. I brought the subject up after all.... Affair - I dont think so. Yes it sounds like she gave in too easily but my wife is like that. She tends to take things as it comes. Something happens - she deals and gets on with it - be it death in the family or whatever. Certainly not one to dwell on things and have a conscience lol. Set me up? Hmmm. Not sure she'd have to do that. In terms of earnings etc, Im probably 5-10x more than her - and of course we've got two kids. If she wanted me out she could do very well out of the deal without need for this. Also, deal is I dont tell her - she wouldnt know any details going forward... |
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 1, 2018 1:09:23 GMT -5
Well, she gave you permission, bertie1471. Mine never did. But I will echo bballgirl and say be discreet. I will also add another piece of advise - be careful. You mentioned prostitutes. There are a lot of arguments good and bad for the professionals. But outside of health and legal concerns, here is my biggest problem with them: you are not a lover, but a customer. Some are very good at what they do. Some are wonderful actresses. And most are discreet. But it is not the same as a woman who finds you attractive for who you are. I need that acknowledgement even more than I need an orgasm. I used to be a sex worker, and loved my job, and loved any sex I ever had with a client. Sex was never a guarantee, I offered massage with a handjob ending, and I loved bringing pleasure and knowing I was the one in control of the situation, but certain clients I had sex with. It all depends on the worker. Never thought settling down with a client would end in a sexless relationship. |
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Post by james on Feb 1, 2018 13:12:30 GMT -5
By the way, tiredoftears, last year I recall that you had some major issues with a) anger and b) a child who was being investigated by the medics. Any resolution to either? - an update would be good, sorry if I missed it. |
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Post by tiredoftears on Feb 1, 2018 15:59:35 GMT -5
By the way, tiredoftears, last year I recall that you had some major issues with a) anger and b) a child who was being investigated by the medics. Any resolution to either? - an update would be good, sorry if I missed it. Thank you James. Unfortunately, no resolution. I am still in a sexless relationship, while everything else is fine, his failure to make attempts still upsets me, but I am over the seething anger, for now. As for our son, he had a CAT scan, but it was inconclusive, and they recommended more testing, however we are having insurance issues. He is on Medicaid, and the hospital is having issues processing the requests, or some weird shit like that. We have been waiting months now for his next appointment to be scheduled wo get another ultrasound to see how it has changed since his last one, and a biopsy, but there's nothing I can do to rush it along. The mass is still slowly growing, but at least it doesn't cause him any discomfort. Thank you for asking. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 2, 2018 14:12:47 GMT -5
“AND was careful to pick partners who wanted NSA/FWB-type arrangements- then I really cannot see anything wrong with that.” How do you know your partner really wants just a fwb? The refused are not good at picking partners who match their needs. People’s motivations and emotions also change. One of my friends was in a fwb with a married man. He didn’t know she loved him. They had different social circles but somehow ended up at the same event. My friend got drunk and verbally attacked his wife in an ugly scene.,.. Yes, northstarmom , you are right, there is substantial risk that it could go wrong. I am still interested in this question of oursourcing, though, and whether it could *ever* be an acceptable or even the right solution. What about this scenario? A couple have been married for many years, they love eachother and have a fulfilling sex life. Then W is diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and things go downhill. She can't use her legs properly, she gets continence problems and puts on a ton of weight. She is just no interested in sex anymore. Her husband promises that he will stay with her and look after her through her illness, and asks nothing in return. She knows that the now sexless marriage is very difficult for him and she explicitly tells him that she is happy for him to oursource, just to be discreet about it- she doesn't want to know details, but she knows it will go on. He finds a small ad that says: "Unhappily married woman seeks NSA liasion, daytime only, must be discreet." He calls her up. He explains the rules to her- NSA liaison, will not leave his wife, if she develops stronger feelings for him then he will have to end it. If the thing that you describe above (AP gets drunk and harangues wife) happens despite all these safeguards, then really, I don't see it as any different from a marriage in which one individual 'breaks the rules' by having an affair. In the scenario, the husband's affair partner 'breaks the rules' by encroaching on married territory and goes against the agreement. If you are saying that in the scenario described above, the husband shouldn't outsource because it might go wrong, then you might as well say that no-one should ever get married because that might go wrong. What I am trying to get at is whether outsourcing could ever be condoned in the way that marriage is condoned. Basically, I don't see anything wrong with the couple's arrangement and I would challenge anyone to say to me that it is actually any more prone to going wrong, or morally questionable, than a marriage is. Thoughts? I think, as in your multiple sclerosis example, a typical and less emotionally painful starting assumption for folks here is to begin by looking at the health of their sex life as one might diagnose an external problem - with medical or clinical detachment. It's a puzzle to be solved. There are indeed situations such as severe medical problems, impotence, etc that require a couple to re-evaluate the expectations of their relationship and of their marriage. Different priorities rise about what one expects in the relationship. It's tempting to take a situation where such difficult realities don't exist, and apply the same thinking - as if there is some invisible affliction preventing one's partner from having sex - treating the aversion as if it is a mental disorder or a lapse of etiquette and consideration rather than a matter of clear preference that does not work in your favor. |
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Post by flyingsolo on Feb 2, 2018 19:44:34 GMT -5
Or another thought - she's testing you to see if you will actually go through with it. Your story sort of reminds me of another story I read somewhere though it had a bit of a spin to it. The husband and wife both agreed that it was OK to venture outside the marriage for sex. MANY years later (I think it was 20+ years), the husband disclosed to his wife that he'd felt guilty all along about ever using the "free pass" so he never did even though he had permission to do so from his wife. The wife, on the other hand, and much to the husband's shock, disclosed that over the past two decades, she'd used it frequently by sleeping with other men. Talk about an awkward conversation. Apparently they did stay together, but holy cow does that guy have some lost time to make up.  |
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Post by baza on Feb 4, 2018 4:41:23 GMT -5
Must admit after the initial offer I have sort of gone off the idea. Dunno why to be honest - maybe I just feel guilty even though she says its ok. I shouldnt probably. Bit concerned that she agreed so easily mind - half wanted her to be a little unkeen at least! Very pragmatic is my mrs though.... :-( Weekend away soon and shes up for it then. We'll see. One thing - all too easy to say ok but then back out because of it being the wrong time of the month. Didn't think of that one - an easy lie for a wife to make I guess. We'll see.... Chances are if I get knocked back again I'll be interested in plan A again. If you've gone off the cheating idea, that's probably a good thing. It's something that requires being REALLY prepped for as things can fly off at some weird unpredicted tangents. As far as the weekend goes, if there is some "good" reason for some reticence to engage in P.I.V. an enthusiastic partner would at least gobble you off. So you'll see one way or another what her enthusiasm level is like. |
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Post by M2G on Feb 4, 2018 11:01:12 GMT -5
“If you are saying that in the scenario described above, the husband shouldn't outsource because it might go wrong, then you might as well say that no-one should ever get married because that might go wrong.” Nope. I’m saying that you can’t predict what will happen. It’s a mistake to assume that you will pick the right person and everything will proceed as you imagine See a lawyer as Baz suggests. Think about how your life could be impacted if you are caught. Don’t just assume you won’t fall in love, your kids will never know, your affair partner never will want more, etc. think about whether you can deal with such consequences. Be prepared in case things go wrong. Then do what you want. Frankly, there are a lot of people who would have benefitted by putting more thought into their marital choices and into whether to have kids. Many in this group have rose colored glasses that impair their decision making. Well - I did pick the right person at the time - but Time, can/will change everything. At one time we had a semi-open marriage. Right now, I don't think that would fly - not one bit. I'm expected to make due. Prostitutes? Nah: for all the obvious reasons - plus: I could take an AP out for a really nice evening instead: a no-brainier. My W at one point actually encouraged me to look for an escort when I was away on business - I blew it off then too, but you notice she said escort - not "AP" - so there was strongly implied that a real outside relationship would be frowned upon with extreme prejudice. It was suggested on another thread that I get "a real affair" going - I laughed my ass off, and at the same time I agree with that advice. I have one potential LDR, probably suffering the same fate as me - but we're nowhere near committing to exclusivity. We really still need some time to be comfortable with each other doing things out of the bedroom. Getting caught? Well I already know the $$ consequences, and I already know the first thing I will say to her: "Well? What did you expect?" If one chooses that avenue then one must be ready if the sht hits the fan. So - still looking, hopefully I find someone before this old thing stops working without the blue pills  Off on another trip today - and nothing planned except work. I could use some time off... |
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 4, 2018 11:53:36 GMT -5
" couple have been married for many years, they love eachother and have a fulfilling sex life. Then W is diagnosed with multiple sclerosis and things go downhill. She can't use her legs properly, she gets continence problems and puts on a ton of weight. She is just no interested in sex anymore. Her husband promises that he will stay with her and look after her through her illness, and asks nothing in return. She knows that the now sexless marriage is very difficult for him and she explicitly tells him that she is happy for him to oursource, just to be discreet about it- she doesn't want to know details, but she knows it will go on. He finds a small ad that says: "Unhappily married woman seeks NSA liasion, daytime only, must be discreet." He calls her up. He explains the rules to her- NSA liaison, will not leave his wife, if she develops stronger feelings for him then he will have to end it."
This seems reasonably safe in that everything was above board -- including with the ill wife -- from the beginning. While no one can predict whether they'll develop feelings for their affair partner, even if such feelings developed on either the man or his affair partner's side, it seems that he has the integrity to continue to take care of his seriously ill wife.
I know someone who started an affair while her much older husband was permanently in assisted living. Even before he had to go to assisted living, they had been in a marriage that was sexless by his choice for many years. She and her affair partner, a much younger man, literally had love at first sight when volunteering together. Her husband had been abusive, but she continued to visit him, to take him on outings, and to make sure he got good care. Her affair partner always knew her husband came first. However, she wasn't having an affair with her husband's permission, nor did he ever know about it. Her husband died about 4 years into the affair, and about 10 years later, she and her affair partner are living together and continue to be one of the happiest and most romantic couples I've ever met. Her kids did figure out that the romance had started before her husband died. One offspring is very angry about that, which is why my friend has never married her lover. However, the others are understanding.
So, yes, such situations can work. There likely will be some kind of fallout, but every action or lack of action will have consequences in any situation.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 4, 2018 11:57:07 GMT -5
"So - still looking, hopefully I find someone before this old thing stops working without the blue pills " As long as it works, that's what's important along with having a partner who enjoys it. Trust me: if you have a willing partner and need Cialis or something like that to function, you'll view it as a blessing. While of course you hope you don't ever need the medication, if that day comes and it allows you to have sex with a partner who's delighted, you'll both be glad for the medication. |
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Post by obobfla on Feb 4, 2018 12:41:02 GMT -5
I found that what worked best for me was taking a weekend to be with an AP at a hotel/b&b in some romantic or fun spot. Had a great time in St. Augustine and Clearwater in Florida. Loved going to Cherokee, N.C. Would have loved to try Savannah, Vegas, Key West, and assorted mountain cabins with hot tubs.
It was not so much the sex but connecting with a female in so many ways, even if it wasn’t meant to last. I am forever grateful to my APs for that and don’t regret getting with them.
Recently, I met IRL with a fellow ILIASM member for a friendly face-to-face chat. I told her about my affairs and what they did for me. Since she was in the same spot we all are/were, I said I wished she could find what I found in those affairs (we both agreed it wouldn’t be with me) so she could get back the confidence she lost. I wish that for everyone on this forum.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 4, 2018 17:19:53 GMT -5
M2G, do yourself a favor and get some samples. I can function without, but whether it is the blue pills, the fashionably overpriced egg shaped pills, or the generics, that shit takes my game to the next level. That might be an indication of where I am in life, because they did nothing for me ten years ago. I am determined to give idgaf96 the best experiences I can, and they are worth that at any price.
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Post by M2G on Feb 4, 2018 21:03:53 GMT -5
Yeah probably a good idea on the little pills. To tell truth there were some sticky moments; my head not being in the game - first time outsourcing, first new person since (ever) and letting other things invade mentally. After almost 7 years of nothing happening I was wondering too much what would happen & wow - it almost didn't happen, as it often happens when you worrying about it happening or not happening...
Fuck man, I was so green that my AP had to coach me on how to get her from the hotel restaurant up to the room. Jesus. (Yes you can laugh.)
Anyway we're texting back & forth so not a fail (as I had been worrying) - I like her a lot.
A weekend, I have coming up in March: work event in Orlando - then a free weekend wherever in FL, then another week of work all over the state. Will need to see what I can make out of that one.
Thanks all for the advice.
PS: T-Boosters I got for working out, coupled with Ginseng (red panax), seem to be working as well - waking me up at night. W thinks I'm taking it for concentration & calm - but she's no dummy either. Maybe she's worried I'm going to be chasing her around the front lawn with a giant B...
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Post by bertie1471 on Jan 27, 2022 11:10:56 GMT -5
Whoa 4 years ago this was.....
I never did follow through with any of this. Not that my personal situation has changed mind. Still the same....
Just getting back around to thinking about this....
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