Non-Violent Communication: Marshall Rosenberg
Feb 14, 2018 12:45:55 GMT -5
greatcoastal, baza, and 2 more like this
Post by WindSister on Feb 14, 2018 12:45:55 GMT -5
I am not sure where to put this, so here it will go. Thanks to an old thread being brought to the top again, I searched out Marshall Rosenberg quotes. Oh, so much gold, I will have to look into his books.
I hesitate to share this often here because I don't know if I can do it clearly enough so as to not be misunderstood, but my husband was considered an "angry man" his whole life. I get that, though, because I FELT anger (sometimes so deep it consumed me so hard I had to literally scream) most of my life. When I didn't address the anger, depression set in, but the CORE of the issue was always there until I peeled back the layers and worked on myself. My husband did the same. After his divorce he went to therapy, he did the work. He blames his failed first marriage solely on himself, something I don't agree with because she was and is still VERY passive aggressive (I have been at the receiving end of that one more than once). Passive-aggressives do not lend to healthy relationships any more than someone who is angry does, so it was a horrible combination (not one person's fault). Important to note: my husband was never abusive. He would just blow up, calm down and then apologize or, really, just have massive huge walls up towards and for everyone. She would stone-wall, shut him out and build resentment.
Anyway -- my husband (I need a nickname for him) has said with me his anger has vanished. Not because I have tried to fix or change him but because I have always HEARD him. His words... "you hear me like no other." I hear him because I understand him, I am practically him with the same hurts and unmet needs my whole life. Together, we hear EACH OTHER. And, for both of us, anger has vanished, walls went crumbling down.
Together we have created this calm, loving place where we are both safe.
When I first met his sister she did say to me he was an "asshole" so I was looking out for that as much as it pissed me off she would say that about her own brother - it was never revealed to me, though, because it's not there. He is NOT "an asshole." She then came to me last year and admitted the reason she wanted to act on her divorce after a 30 year marriage is because she wants what he and I have. I asked then if she still thinks her brother is an asshole and she laughed and apologized, saying, "no... he hasn't been one for a long time." I told her he never was one. He felt misunderstood his whole life. She said she sees that now. He didn't use that as a crutch or excuse though, he did get help and YES it was at the catalyst of his divorce - the shake up to wake him up so I am thankful to his ex for that. He no longer acts out in ways he did in the past. He still feels it sometimes, but he sees things as they are now and responds differently. His mom will always criticize him. His daughters will always say, "but, DAAAAD, you don't understand.." He has learned more healthy ways to communicate. He will look at me and I SEE the anger... but then he breathes and finds the words to communicate effectively and diffuse the situation. Then later we talk about it in a real way where he can say what he needs to and not feel judged. He said in his first marriage he was constantly told he "should" feel this way not that way, etc. In front of others, too. Ouch, that's always dehumanizing.
I share all of this because this shit is real. I think these quotes are pure gold and something to consider in ALL of our communications with other people.
We can get out of a shitty relationship, but unless we work at our core issues, we may just keep repeating the cycle.
Honest, direct, non-threatening communication is really a solid thing to work on, always. I will definitely be looking into more of his stuff. Gonna order a book today. I will admit I have some hangups with certain types of people -- I recognize this and will promise to try to work on it.
I hesitate to share this often here because I don't know if I can do it clearly enough so as to not be misunderstood, but my husband was considered an "angry man" his whole life. I get that, though, because I FELT anger (sometimes so deep it consumed me so hard I had to literally scream) most of my life. When I didn't address the anger, depression set in, but the CORE of the issue was always there until I peeled back the layers and worked on myself. My husband did the same. After his divorce he went to therapy, he did the work. He blames his failed first marriage solely on himself, something I don't agree with because she was and is still VERY passive aggressive (I have been at the receiving end of that one more than once). Passive-aggressives do not lend to healthy relationships any more than someone who is angry does, so it was a horrible combination (not one person's fault). Important to note: my husband was never abusive. He would just blow up, calm down and then apologize or, really, just have massive huge walls up towards and for everyone. She would stone-wall, shut him out and build resentment.
Anyway -- my husband (I need a nickname for him) has said with me his anger has vanished. Not because I have tried to fix or change him but because I have always HEARD him. His words... "you hear me like no other." I hear him because I understand him, I am practically him with the same hurts and unmet needs my whole life. Together, we hear EACH OTHER. And, for both of us, anger has vanished, walls went crumbling down.
Together we have created this calm, loving place where we are both safe.
When I first met his sister she did say to me he was an "asshole" so I was looking out for that as much as it pissed me off she would say that about her own brother - it was never revealed to me, though, because it's not there. He is NOT "an asshole." She then came to me last year and admitted the reason she wanted to act on her divorce after a 30 year marriage is because she wants what he and I have. I asked then if she still thinks her brother is an asshole and she laughed and apologized, saying, "no... he hasn't been one for a long time." I told her he never was one. He felt misunderstood his whole life. She said she sees that now. He didn't use that as a crutch or excuse though, he did get help and YES it was at the catalyst of his divorce - the shake up to wake him up so I am thankful to his ex for that. He no longer acts out in ways he did in the past. He still feels it sometimes, but he sees things as they are now and responds differently. His mom will always criticize him. His daughters will always say, "but, DAAAAD, you don't understand.." He has learned more healthy ways to communicate. He will look at me and I SEE the anger... but then he breathes and finds the words to communicate effectively and diffuse the situation. Then later we talk about it in a real way where he can say what he needs to and not feel judged. He said in his first marriage he was constantly told he "should" feel this way not that way, etc. In front of others, too. Ouch, that's always dehumanizing.
I share all of this because this shit is real. I think these quotes are pure gold and something to consider in ALL of our communications with other people.
We can get out of a shitty relationship, but unless we work at our core issues, we may just keep repeating the cycle.
Honest, direct, non-threatening communication is really a solid thing to work on, always. I will definitely be looking into more of his stuff. Gonna order a book today. I will admit I have some hangups with certain types of people -- I recognize this and will promise to try to work on it.
“At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled.”
“As we’ve seen, all criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message. The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being. When we receive messages with this awareness, we never feel dehumanized by what others have to say to us. We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves. As”
― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships
“We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They, too, pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame. Furthermore, each time others associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future decreases.”
― Marshall B. Rosenberg,
Instead of playing the game "Making Life Wonderful", we often play the game called "Who's Right". Do you know that game? It's a game where everybody loses.
If you think ahead to what to say next - like how to fix it or make the person feel better - BOOM! Off the board. You're into the future. Empathy requires staying with the energy that's here right now. Not using any technique. Just being present. When I have really connected to this energy, it's like I wasn't there. I call this "watching the magic show". In this presence, a very precious energy works through us that can heal anything, and this relieves me from my "fix-it" tendencies.
To do this, you can bring in nothing from the past. So the more psychology you've studied, the harder it will be to empathize. The more you know the person, the harder it will be to empathize. Diagnoses and past experiences can instantly knock you off the board. This doesn't mean denying the past. Past experiences can stimulate what's alive in this moment. But are you present to what was alive then or what the person is feeling and needing in this moment?
“As we’ve seen, all criticism, attack, insults, and judgments vanish when we focus attention on hearing the feelings and needs behind a message. The more we practice in this way, the more we realize a simple truth: behind all those messages we’ve allowed ourselves to be intimidated by are just individuals with unmet needs appealing to us to contribute to their well-being. When we receive messages with this awareness, we never feel dehumanized by what others have to say to us. We only feel dehumanized when we get trapped in derogatory images of other people or thoughts of wrongness about ourselves. As”
― Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Life-Changing Tools for Healthy Relationships
“We all pay dearly when people respond to our values and needs not out of a desire to give from the heart, but out of fear, guilt, or shame. Sooner or later, we will experience the consequences of diminished goodwill on the part of those who comply with our values out of a sense of either external or internal coercion. They, too, pay emotionally, for they are likely to feel resentment and decreased self-esteem when they respond to us out of fear, guilt, or shame. Furthermore, each time others associate us in their minds with any of those feelings, the likelihood of their responding compassionately to our needs and values in the future decreases.”
― Marshall B. Rosenberg,
Instead of playing the game "Making Life Wonderful", we often play the game called "Who's Right". Do you know that game? It's a game where everybody loses.
If you think ahead to what to say next - like how to fix it or make the person feel better - BOOM! Off the board. You're into the future. Empathy requires staying with the energy that's here right now. Not using any technique. Just being present. When I have really connected to this energy, it's like I wasn't there. I call this "watching the magic show". In this presence, a very precious energy works through us that can heal anything, and this relieves me from my "fix-it" tendencies.
To do this, you can bring in nothing from the past. So the more psychology you've studied, the harder it will be to empathize. The more you know the person, the harder it will be to empathize. Diagnoses and past experiences can instantly knock you off the board. This doesn't mean denying the past. Past experiences can stimulate what's alive in this moment. But are you present to what was alive then or what the person is feeling and needing in this moment?
It feels so great when others "get" it. 
