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Post by elynne on Apr 25, 2018 16:32:27 GMT -5
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 25, 2018 16:53:56 GMT -5
Great read
Thanks for sharing I can identify with some of the article when I was in my SM.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 25, 2018 17:16:48 GMT -5
Wow this is incredibly depressing.
I do not think my H is on the spectrum but I still can see a lot of these behaviors in him and our marriage.
This might be the most compelling thing I’ve read providing a strong argument for those of us in marriages like this to get out ASAP.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 25, 2018 17:37:39 GMT -5
The parts that I identified with were:
1) an absence of him being an involved parent- Never went to a swim lesson, didn't do cub scouts - I was the only mom there, he was irresponsible could not get the kids to school on time because he didn't wake up on time.
My son when he was 8 would wake him up. Who's the parent here?
I had so much resentment over that and I had to be to work very early so it's what we did. That little boy is 15 now 5'10 180 pounds and he holds on to a lot of resentment towards his dad but he and I talk and he's an emotionally intelligent young man. The divorced forced him to be responsible, the courts ordered it and he had his schedule.
2) having to handle everything- you do lose a part of yourself and your identity. I think when children are born this naturally happens life just gets more complicated and priorities are different but when you don't have a partner in the relationship to help as well as keep the fires burning for what the relationship was like prior to kids then there is a slow drip wearing away everything. The divorce helped me to find myself again.
3) he forgot my bday - the next month I went to an attorney.
I understand that bdays mean different things to different people and people treat us the way we allow them to treat us. Him forgetting my bday said that I'm not important to him. So I divorced and got to have sex on my bday.
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Post by baza on Apr 25, 2018 19:27:51 GMT -5
I enjoyed the article as an academic read into the finer detail of "undiagnosed ASD"
But I take a much simpler (perhaps simplistic) view of dysfunctional marriages.
Namely that it doesn't matter which particular malady is in play, the end result - producing a dysfunctional marriage - is the same whether you know exactly what version of nuts is in play or you don't.
Whatever ails your dysfunctional spouse, *you* can't fix it, and it is quite possible that no-one else can either.
In short, whether you know what particular type of nuts your spouse is or you don't, you DO know that they are nuts...and the impact on you is the same either way.
As are your choices about what you are going to do.
You stay (with or without the cheating variant)
or
You leave.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 25, 2018 19:28:58 GMT -5
Great article. I identify with a lot of it, even though I have no idea if my Ex really had the named dysfunction or some other flaw. I mean, that aspect of “how he is” isn’t really a flaw - it is just how he is. But - I definitely “get” the analogy of running from the burning house to save my sense of me. It matters not whether he intended to hurt me. It matters that when I hurt, he didn’t care.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 25, 2018 20:02:05 GMT -5
As far as kids..... They respect people just like anyone else. They respect confidence. If a person is indecisive, scared, wanting and needing everyone to like them, letting others take advantage of him or her, it's hard to respect that person.
Truth always comes out.
Man up or woman up. Be the man or woman you want to be. Own your life. Create your life.
The kids will eventually "get it."
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Post by WindSister on Apr 25, 2018 20:08:06 GMT -5
I enjoyed the article as an academic read into the finer detail of "undiagnosed ASD" But I take a much simpler (perhaps simplistic) view of dysfunctional marriages. Namely that it doesn't matter which particular malady is in play, the end result - producing a dysfunctional marriage - is the same whether you know exactly what version of nuts is in play or you don't. Whatever ails your dysfunctional spouse, *you* can't fix it, and it is quite possible that no-one else can either. In short, whether you know what particular type of nuts your spouse is or you don't, you DO know that they are nuts...and the impact on you is the same either way. As are your choices about what you are going to do. You stay (with or without the cheating variant) or You leave. I might be old school at heart, but I agree with Baza. I am not keen on all the diagnosis talk floating around everywhere. Here, Facebook, email newsletters. End question is, what now? What about YOUR life? What do you want? Make it happen. |
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littlelamb
Junior Member
I don't know.
Posts: 56 
Age Range: 26-30
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Post by littlelamb on Apr 25, 2018 20:52:44 GMT -5
I can relate to alot of how the wife feels in certain parts, but also how the husband feels too in fewer parts which, even though less, still scares me a bit. I don't have any disorder as far as I know, I'm sure I would've been diagnosed by now if I did...in school I used to score on the higher side of intelligence tests but then appear as an underachiever because my performance in school was usually very average.
I've never considered my H to be on the spectrum. I've always felt, if anything, he is probably smarter than I am.
He is more charismatic.
I thought the bit about birthdays was interesting. My H doesn't really concern himself over birthdays as he isn't close to his family and doesn't usually have much spending money. He doesn't like for me to talk to his family without his permission so I don't concern myself either as it's just not my place. I always figured he has his reasons for the distance that is there.
He will tell me happy birthday though, even if we don't really celebrate or do anything. He will at least tell me or remember...maybe not right when I wake up but soon after usually. I'm still expected to carry out my role whether it's my birthday or not, I need to make or pick up his meals and I need to give him space...
I always make him dessert and celebrate his birthday, he usually wants the attention on his birthday so bJs. I do whatever I can, but after all he will ultimately want time alone undisturbed to play video games...
Kind of funny thing, when we were just talking long ago before we were dating or anything he had gotten upset that I didn't call him on his birthday. I didn't realize he even wanted me to or that I had actually made a friend or that he was interested in me and it was one of the things that made me realize he had enjoyed talking to me and It made me feel like I was important to him at the time. I was very apologetic explaining this to him. It just made me think of this.
I don't get upset when people forget my birthday, not many people are close enough to me for it to matter. It hurts when my parent's forget my birthday but I usually have to shrug that off because I don't want to make them feel guilty and I want to be understanding.
I don't usually want any specific gift, I don't feel it's all that important. I usually just want to be close with my Husband on my birthday and even if we don't always have sex on my birthday he will always cuddle with me and tell me happy birthday.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 25, 2018 21:20:46 GMT -5
It is a good article, thanks for sharing.
My attorney had to hear much of my "circumstances" and asked me more than twice, "does your wife have Asperger's?" ( My attorney had contact with our marriage physycologist several times)
I would respond, " I'm not sure. I do believe she is a manipulative controller/narcissist. Along with that came the greysexual".
I found myself relating to far to much of this article with the roles reversed. And that is exactly what we did in our family, reverse roles.
The part about the divorce happening when the kids are in college and high school is something I can relate to 100%. Along with the second wave of "backing mom". I also see how she buys their love.
The birthday part of the story is amazingly accurate, along with Christmas, and so, so many of my kids activities.
There is also the part of when they met and their sense of confidence in their work, but not the same when it comes to a relationship. ( just today my daughter and I where talking about how mom treats the dog. I asked her, "does your mom ever pick the dog up on her own to love him?" she said ," no, mom says the dog will come to me when he needs it and when he's done he's done." Interesting perspective.
I also have heard the exact quote, " you get mad a lot. Mom says you are always angry". When asked to give me examples, they can't come up with much, if they do I attempt to explain "my side" hoping they will get it. I'm afraid it's been ingrained in their thoughts for to long.
I too am going through that immediate relief of the divorce, meanwhile the ripple affects of the divorce is coming from my sons as the divorce carries forward. I'm definitely the bad guy. They deal with this by wanting complete separation. meanwhile their mother gets to pour money on them and who knows what other" your father is angry and lazy " thoughts instilled in them.
Some days I believe all I will ever have is my memories and old photos of all the love, respect, and amazing happiness that was present between me and my children in the younger years. (amazing how much mom was not present...too tired, on the computer, etc...)
I could go on... It's a good article.
It does open a door for more questions, "who wants to have a relationship with someone recovering from such treatment? Does having a new perspective of others who respect and cherish you last and help both of you? Are you still able to give and receive to others after decades of being labeled the one who will always be wrong?
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Post by elkclan2 on Apr 26, 2018 6:09:58 GMT -5
My ex isn't diagnosed, but I am 99% certain that he is on the spectrum. For so many reasons not to do with the marriage, but for many reasons to do with the marriage I have come to believe this and I did a lot of reading around. I've read this article before, on a number of occasions actually, and it's one of the reasons I was determined not to lose twice. I could see my son starting to disrespect me in the way that his father did. And why wouldn't he? It was what he knew. He was 8 when we separated. The respect has largely returned. We have a good relationship now. I hate to say it, but things are even better now that I have a new partner. My new partner treats me with affection and respect. it's good for my son to see that. greatcoastal - I do not know your wife, so I do not know if she is a narcissist or not. I do know this. I was raised by a narc mother and married an aspergers guy. The selfishness and manipulation are present in both, though they take different forms. Either way you and what you want or even need mean almost nothing to them. Only difference is that you can sort of explain your needs to aspie and you can sort of manipulate a narc into thinking that they look bad or selfish if they ignore your needs. The feeling of being nothing in their eyes is the same is though as is the knock to your self-esteem. I will say this though, my narc mother is much more fun! When you're doing what she wants (and I do happen to enjoy many of the things that she enjoys) everything is rosy! And at least you can go to parties. |
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 26, 2018 6:24:40 GMT -5
I could see my son starting to disrespect me in the way that his father did. And why wouldn't he? It was what he knew. He was 8 when we separated. The respect has largely returned. We have a good relationship now. I hate to say it, but things are even better now that I have a new partner. My new partner treats me with affection and respect. it's good for my son to see that. This is great elkclan2! |
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