Gottman article: When breaking up is the healthiest choice

Insightful article especially this as a reason to split up:.

”Disconnection due to serious personality differences

Sometimes it’s as simple as understanding that one partner really just wants out, or may be unwilling to acknowledge their part in the relationship’s downfall. Sometimes it even comes down to mental illness, like clinical narcissism (a personality disorder) that can block authentic connection with another person. The other partner in that relationship may cope with the narcissism by feeling angry, fearful, doubting themselves, or even becoming anxious, depressed, and feeling hopeless. And isn’t necessarily the fault of someone who suffers from a personality disorder; even if actions or words are intended to be hurtful, their condition truly inhibits connection beyond their control.

That’s a very clear-cut example. If the rejected partner simply accepts that someone with a narcissistic personality disorder lacks the empathy they need, then they can call it quits, get treatment for their depression, and look for a healthier relationship with someone else—a relationship that will bring joy and connection, not suffering.”

This bit made a whole heap of sense to me -

"We’re not in this work to save marriages and keep couples together no matter what. We’re in this work because we want to help people reveal the truth about their relationships and help them determine the best path forward—even if that means calling it quits and looking for a new partner that can meet their needs"

It seems so bleeding obvious.

Agreed lonelywifey, that's what makes it so tough for me right now. I have days where I am very hopeful that my marriage can be fixed and we are just in a really bad sexless period caused by some underlying but fixable issues. I also have days where I believe it isn't going to be fixed because these issues have always been there under the surface for the bulk of the past fifteen years and by sticking around I am just prolonging the inevitable outcome. My wife and I are at polar opposites of what is important in intimacy right now. I need physical intimacy, she wants emotional intimacy, ideally we need both.

I've realized that I am a sexual being that needs physical intimacy if nothing else but to function normally, relieve stress, feel connected to someone, etc. (not to mention a whole host of other things that involve being with a partner who desires me, wants to share the sexual adventure with me, live out fantasies together, make each other feel great, etc.). I need emotional intimacy to feel like I am on the journey of life WITH someone rather than traveling alone but with someone else living in my house and helping to co-parent my kids.

On any given day, I seem to go back and forth between leaving and staying, ultimately hoping that staying and working it out fixes the problem, while at the same time trying not to think about all the great sex I am giving up by not leaving. No wonder I feel like I am going crazy some days. Interesting that we've all quoted different parts of the Gottman article. I found the following part very interesting when talking about whether they think that a couple will make it or not as a couple based on what they say about their marriage history:

"We can tell this through the oral history interview assessment technique. When we ask the couple to tell their “Story of Us”—how they met, some of their struggles, their most positive memories, what they believe to be true about their relationship—there may be a fair dose of negativity. But if the couple can glorify the struggle—that is, make light of the bad and deeply appreciate the good that came from it—then they can likely fix whatever’s wrong through effective interventions.

However, if that story is entirely negative, if even the positive memories of first becoming attracted, of first becoming intimate, etc. are absent or viewed negatively, then the couple will likely split or stay together but lead parallel, non-intersecting lives in which they do not trust one another and won’t feel connected. If you feel like you’re in the throes of negative sentiment override—if your switch is clearly off—you can work with a couples therapist to determine the best course of action."

Right now, I honestly feel like my wife is more negative about our relationship's history than I am. However, if I ask her she claims she is "hopeful" that it will be fixed.  However, at the same time, we still aren't having sex and haven't in about a year and a half.  To me, re-establishing that is a necessary step that needs to be taken to begin fixing things and she doesn't seem willing to take that step, at all, even after a year of marital counseling.  This is one of the reasons I am thinking it may not be fixable.

So interesting. She seemed emotionally unavailable.

It is!! That's the second time I have read that!! But her behavior speaks volumes. She's doing exactly what she was accusing you of doing. She sabotaged the M.