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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 6, 2019 0:54:35 GMT -5
I tried EVERYTHING - therapy, talking to his doctor about his erectile issue (he insists he has no issues), books, forums, crying, screaming, begging, coldness, affection, walking around naked, completely hiding my body.... you name it I tried it.
I chose to stay. I chose to accept him as he is. I chose to let go of anger. I chose to take responsibility for my own happiness. My choices have made our marriage companiable.
So far, I’m still glad I did. I like my life. I like my husband. I love him. I like having someone to come home to. He gives me freedom to pursue my interests. He is always happy to see me and talk to me. He welcomes me home with a smile when I return from dancing or hiking or some other outing with my girlfriends.
I think he suspects that I have a lover but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. He mentioned in passing that I will get past this need of mine and settle down. I know that eventually my body will change and the need for sex will start to become less of an issue. I will have the affection that my husband gives me.
I’m very careful to not get involved with any man that I socialize with. I avoid single men, they are too needy. I never tell anyone about my secret life, not even my closest friend. I delete all messages and keep no calendar. When I am with my friends and family, my lover does not exist. When I am with my lover I am all his.
Does this make me happy? I’m not unhappy. I am excited and look forward to being with my lover. It fills a void. I still have a longing for a true-love, passionate connection but I know that longing is immature.
If I had left I would be living hand to mouth, working full time. I would be out every night in an emotional turmoil trying to find someone to connect with.
There is the risk that I will be found out. The longer it goes on the more likely it will happen. 6 years and counting.....
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Post by solodriver on Feb 6, 2019 1:21:33 GMT -5
Wow. We've missed hearing from you. I'm glad to know you are well and happy! I've decided that I need to leave because I can't do this anymore. I've tried talking and I decided I don't want to end up the way I'm living now, especially while I still have a chance to have a sex life and hopefully love as well. I feel a bit selfish but I also am angry that my refuser won't even try and make an effort for me and for us. All she wants to do is sit in front of a TV and watch shows the rest of her life. NOT ME! I still have life and love and sexuality I want to share with someone!. I will NEVER have that if I stay in this marriage. Sometimes as painful as it may feel, I'm pushing myself to overcome that so I can have what I so much want and need. That is to find someone I can give my love, affection and sexuality to.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Feb 6, 2019 1:51:17 GMT -5
Wow. We've missed hearing from you. I'm glad to know you are well and happy! I've decided that I need to leave because I can't do this anymore. I've tried talking and I decided I don't want to end up the way I'm living now, especially while I still have a chance to have a sex life and hopefully love as well. I feel a bit selfish but I also am angry that my refuser won't even try and make an effort for me and for us. All she wants to do is sit in front of a TV and watch shows the rest of her life. NOT ME! I still have life and love and sexuality I want to share with someone!. I will NEVER have that if I stay in this marriage. Sometimes as painful as it may feel, I'm pushing myself to overcome that so I can have what I so much want and need. That is to find someone I can give my love, affection and sexuality to. I can't count the number of times I heard someone else's story and find it sounds so similar to mine. I can almost completely relate to your situation. The only difference is I'm staying because I cannot imagine my life without seeing my kids every day. I feel very much like you do, just the kids are the difference. I hope you succeed in finding your way out and into a healthy relationship.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 6, 2019 2:17:07 GMT -5
solodriver. Thank you. I didn’t say I was happy, just that I wasn’t unhappy. First, I encourage anyone to accept your spouse for who they are not what you want or need them to be. Your spouse will not change. This makes it easier to let go of the anger and plan your future with a level head. Second, I encourage anyone to improve yourself and take up an activity that gets you out of the house and socializing. It doesn’t have to be dancing or anything athletic. There are numerous clubs out there. There are volunteer opportunities. Even church groups if you’re so inclined. Just make sure you never mention your unhappy marriage. It doesn’t exist while you are developing yourself. Do these two things first. See if your heart changes. You know your spouse will not change. You might find some value in the marriage.
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 6, 2019 10:05:26 GMT -5
I am happy for you for finding what works for you. I hope it will fulfill you and that it will continue in this way for as long as you truly want it to. I think what you said about having to truly accept your spouse for who they are if you’re going to stay is the key. When I came to terms with my actual reality and realized my H would not change, that’s when I decided I could not live like that so I left. A related thought: While “hope” in general is a good thing, I had misplaced hope early on in my journey, hoping my ex could change and become closer to what I wanted. Hope like that is useless. Once I realized that, it wasn’t a depressing feeling but a liberating one. It made it more possible for me to make my choice. And while you and I made different choices Rhapsodee, it sounds like we both weighed our options and chose what works best for us. Congrats to you.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 6, 2019 11:29:55 GMT -5
choosinghappy (I like your user name) I lived with the demon “hope” too. It is the most insidious of all Pandora’s demons. The demon of hope tortures all of us until we recognize it and banish it.
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 6, 2019 17:32:29 GMT -5
I’m glad you have found peace. Our situations are similar. I will be with my lover 5 years, I accept Mr. Bballgirl for who he is, and I’ve forgiven him for the years of neglect. This may sound crazy but I’m actually thankful now because that neglect finally gave me the courage and led me to my lover and we are very compatible. On a side note - I always said hope was a waste of time. Again I’m happy for you!
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Post by carl on Feb 6, 2019 20:23:20 GMT -5
rhapsodee I think that your way of dealing with a sexless marriage is equally valid to leaving. I do sometimes wonder whether the two choices of leaving or staying and having a lover aren’t as very different as one might think. It is just that you and your husband can stay close and therefore be there for each other. So warming to hear that you love him and still want to be with him. It shows to me that your heart has always been in it. We never really know why people deny sex or affection and in my mind it is difficult to ever be sure what caused the problem and I would not be able to say that anybody’s situation had never been provoked at all or say that the way that anyone had behaved had definitely not contributed towards the problem. It’s impossible to be sure. Chances are that certain individuals are prone to winding down sex at the slightest jolt in life and others aren’t but given that presumably refusers can’t help themselves isn’t leaving them selfish ? That is unless they want to be left and I am sure there are those situations where refusal is a way of saying go away. But if not then maybe the thought of potentially being left would be enough to make a sensitive individual shut down. So if you leave - who knows perhaps ones partner never trusted you anyway. Thus the refusal. I largely agree with everyone that there is likely something from within a refuser rather than anything else but there may also be a trigger of which we are not yet aware and that trigger just might come from the way one behaves. Who knows. I think what you are doing is less final and more compassionate than leaving. You may think that hope is a dangerous thing but I am not afraid of danger so i’ll hope for you all the same.
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Post by solodriver on Feb 6, 2019 21:31:44 GMT -5
choosinghappy (I like your user name) I lived with the demon “hope” too. It is the most insidious of all Pandora’s demons. The demon of hope tortures all of us until we recognize it and banish it. "Hope" for my refuser to change is what kept me trapped for almost 20 years in a SM.
"Reality" is what has made me realize my situation will never change and I can no longer live without being able to receive and give love, affection and intimacy.
"Hope" is now focused on a happier future. To get there I have to make the major change of divorce in order to give that new "Hope" a chance to bloom.
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Post by carl on Feb 7, 2019 21:08:48 GMT -5
I wonder whether the decision to stay or leave is affected more by the refuser than the refused. Sometimes I think that some refusers really just want to end a relationship with somebody that they aren’t happy with. Perhaps they don’t have the guts to leave so they just act negatively hoping that their partner will take the decision for them and go. Maybe they don’t want to feel that they were the one that left so they just withhold all affection until they get a result. Being refused in that way would make somebody feel pushed away altogether. Like being slowly divorced from the inside out with the devoured corpse being left to sign the paper work. Refusal there is the poison the disease uses to kill its host before it moves on. The relationship is dying starting with the sex and ending with divorce. One has no choice other than to, as somebody put it, get the fuck out. But I think there is a different type of refuser. Call them type B. The over sensitive, under confident type. Depressed, melancholic, over pensive and analytical. The worrier, a little paranoid, afraid of their partners past as much as they are about loosing them in the future. Scared to be compared or to fail to the extent that they refuse to even try. They have labelled themselves second best or worse and go to await their fate as a failure, a shell of a person who feels more comfortable not taking part in life. Who knows what predisposes people to become like this, whether it’s genetic or environmental, and then what triggers it and what maintains that defeatist state. If this second type exists then they are not driving their partners away, and from what I have read they are holding their partners close but leaving them unfulfilled. So the feeling of wanting to leave in this second case may be the total opposite where the pressure in on one to stay living in a sexless marriage.
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Post by jim44444 on Feb 11, 2019 21:39:51 GMT -5
... I never tell anyone about my secret life, not even my closest friend. I delete all messages and keep no calendar. When I am with my friends and family, my lover does not exist. A wise approach, it is paramount to not leave a trail when outsourcing. I have an acquaintance who had a live in girlfriend. They were mature adults both divorced, busy professional careers and a mutually shared hobby. His GF was a calendar addict. Everything got posted to it. All appointments, meetings, work travel, moods, whatever. For sake of this story I will call him George. One day George was looking at the calendar. The calendar had color coding, acronyms, and various shorthand notes to describe their lives. But he noticed the entry FG often and some FT. He figured that meant 'Felt Good' and 'Felt Terrible'. Days later he noticed a new FG on the prior day and thought "Yes, felt good because they had made love". But he noticed the FT was posted to a day they did not have sex because she was away for the day for work. He then looked back farther and noticed the FG was on days they had sex and the FT were on days/nights she was away for work. The light bulb came on. The FG stood for 'Fucked George' and the FT stood for 'Fucked someone whose name started with T'. They still share the mutual hobby but are no longer in a relationship. Moral of the story is do not leave a trail. As for the essence of your post I see it as saying that each of us must come to terms with our needs and accept our partners as they are if we intend to stay successfully. Maybe happily is too much to ask for and we need to settle for contented.
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Post by carl on Feb 11, 2019 21:49:50 GMT -5
I read somewhere that all affairs eventually get discovered. And I would pretty much bet on that. But really it shouldn’t come as any surprise to a refuser.
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Post by Rhapsodee on Feb 11, 2019 21:51:15 GMT -5
jim44444 you have it! I’m not happy but I’m not unhappy. My husband is happy. He has things as he wants them and we have a peaceful home life. I found what I needed to make this possible.
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Post by carl on Feb 11, 2019 21:58:53 GMT -5
There is some saying as well that all affairs come to an end at some point. So would that be tough ? I suppose it could be hard and worth being a little mentally prepared for too. Could be a difficult time.
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Post by baza on Feb 12, 2019 0:00:29 GMT -5
Just been reading your back stories Sister Rhapsodee . I may have missed it but I did not see anywhere that you have a fallback plan to cover the scenario when your spouse finds out. Have you got such a contingency plan ?
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