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Post by theexplorer on Mar 21, 2019 11:15:58 GMT -5
I've read in several places that some people (at least claim to) find happiness in a celibate life. Apparently, a few single people even intentionally chose to live a celibate life. I can understand this choice, if it is for a short term. Especially if they are foregoing sex to achieve another desirable outcome. Voluntarily choosing to live a long term celibate life is just confounding! Why would anyone do this? The why probably doesn't really matter. After all, it is their life to live as they as they desire. On the other hand, does anyone know HOW they achieved a happy celibate life? The answer to this question could help some of us on this website.
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Post by baza on Mar 21, 2019 18:50:14 GMT -5
If you remain in a marriage with a person who is sexually avoidant toward you, then you are "Voluntarily choosing to live a long term celibate life" Quite possibly it is a default choice you are making, but a choice none the less. So the question you pose Brother theexplorer , is one that you can ask yourself......"why are you voluntarily choosing to live a long term celibate life ?" Now the answer to this is as varied as the membership of the group. "I'm staying for the kids" is a fairly often seen answer. "I'm staying for financial reasons" "I'm staying because of my moral position on divorce" "I'm staying until the kids go to college" And it seems that of the people who stay, the "happiest" people are the ones who have taken ownership of their choice to stay, taken responsibility for that choice and are living that choice. On the other hand, it seems that the people who have NOT taken ownership of their choice to stay and are still blaming their spouse or external factors for how their lives have turned out, are generally the most "unhappy" people in the group. Sidebar - Other people who often appear to be very happy in a celibate marital situation are the refusive spouses.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 22, 2019 10:14:26 GMT -5
I seriously believe I could find happiness in a celibate life...ALONE. I could never ever be happy in a sexless marriage, but since being in one I do realize that I can go without for a while. I feel like I’m changing, though. I feel like once I get out of this I’ll need to just stay single for the rest of my life. I feel like it’s fucked me up so bad that I’d end up being the asshole refuser in a new relationship and I’d never subject anyone to that hell. I just don’t want the hassle of someone else’s feelings after this. I’d rather find a new hobby or pick up a second job. I haven’t lost complete interest in sex, but it sure has become a really fucked up issue that I’d rather not deal with once I’m done with this.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 22, 2019 11:20:27 GMT -5
"Post by smith227 I seriously believe I could find happiness in a celibate life...ALONE. I could never ever be happy in a sexless marriage, but since being in one I do realize that I can go without for a while. I feel like I’m changing, though. I feel like once I get out of this I’ll need to just stay single for the rest of my life. I feel like it’s fucked me up so bad that I’d end up being the asshole refuser in a new relationship and I’d never subject anyone to that hell. I just don’t want the hassle of someone else’s feelings after this. I’d rather find a new hobby or pick up a second job. "
You can't predict the future. However, it is likely that --as is the case with most who've left a dysfunctional marriage -- before being ready for a new relationship,you would need time to focus on yourself and healing from your marriage. Therapy as well as taking the time to rediscover yourself would help speed that process. You even could start that process before leaving your marriage. Paying more attention to things under your control that you can do to provide yourself more enjoyable experiences is a big step. For many in SMs, that means developing some outside interests that you participate in without your spouse.
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Post by sadkat on Mar 22, 2019 16:01:36 GMT -5
If you remain in a marriage with a person who is sexually avoidant toward you, then you are "Voluntarily choosing to live a long term celibate life" Quite possibly it is a default choice you are making, but a choice none the less. So the question you pose Brother theexplorer , is one that you can ask yourself......"why are you voluntarily choosing to live a long term celibate life ?" Now the answer to this is as varied as the membership of the group. "I'm staying for the kids" is a fairly often seen answer. "I'm staying for financial reasons" "I'm staying because of my moral position on divorce" "I'm staying until the kids go to college" And it seems that of the people who stay, the "happiest" people are the ones who have taken ownership of their choice to stay, taken responsibility for that choice and are living that choice. On the other hand, it seems that the people who have NOT taken ownership of their choice to stay and are still blaming their spouse or external factors for how their lives have turned out, are generally the most "unhappy" people in the group. Sidebar - Other people who often appear to be very happy in a celibate marital situation are the refusive spouses. baza- I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this as I’ve struggled to get h to understand that our marriage is over. I was one of those people who chose to stay and accepted my fate 13 years ago. You could say that I “did it for my kid” but mostly it was because I couldn’t bear the thought of being without my kid for a week at a time (which would have likely been the case had I chosen to leave then). I made this decision with the promise to myself that I would re-evaluate after my kid graduated from high school. As it turned out, it took me another 4 years to reevaluate. You are right in saying that, by accepting my sm, I lived a relatively happy life. What I’m discovering now, however, is that h is genuinely confused about why I want to leave NOW. When I accepted my sm, I naturally stopped talking to h about my need for intimacy, how unhappy I was with the lack of affection- basically the topics covered during “the talk”. Now that I’m talking about leaving the marriage, I’m met with comments like “I thought you were ok with how things were” or “I didn’t know you were that unhappy” or “why are you throwing away 25 years of marriage without making an attempt?” Although I have valid answers to these questions, they are difficult for him to accept. He doesn’t want to hear that our marriage was in fact over 13 years ago. I wanted to throw my experience out there as validation that you are correct but also to caution that this decision also has its consequences.
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Post by baza on Mar 22, 2019 19:01:02 GMT -5
To be perfectly honest Sister sadkat , it's not your job to "get h to understand the marriage is over" That fact will become entirely obvious to him. The logistics and emotions in these situations are quite hard on all parties involved, and you'll probably find it quite challenging just attending to your end in that, let alone trying to take on his problems too. For his part, he'll be pretty busy trying to stall proceedings and/or trying to "get YOU to understand that the marriage is NOT over".
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Post by sadkat on Mar 22, 2019 19:06:35 GMT -5
baza- I would agree with you except for the fact that I need his cooperation to sell the house if I have any hope of getting out without “breaking the bank”. But... I will only do so much to help him accept it before I “bite the bullet” and take the harsher, more expensive route. You are correct- this is not an easy task I am undertaking and I need all the help I can get!
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Post by solodriver on Mar 23, 2019 0:04:37 GMT -5
I've read in several places that some people (at least claim to) find happiness in a celibate life. Apparently, a few single people even intentionally chose to live a celibate life. I can understand this choice, if it is for a short term. Especially if they are foregoing sex to achieve another desirable outcome. Voluntarily choosing to live a long term celibate life is just confounding! Why would anyone do this? The why probably doesn't really matter. After all, it is their life to live as they as they desire. On the other hand, does anyone know HOW they achieved a happy celibate life? The answer to this question could help some of us on this website. Unfortunately, I may end up continuing my celibacy after I leave, through no choice of my own.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2019 8:11:26 GMT -5
Unfortunately, I may end up continuing my celibacy after I leave, through no choice of my own. SoloD, that’s a risk we all take when we leave. I’m still celibate. However, that’s no different than when I was married. At least now, I have hope of one day /not/ being celibate any longer. In my marriage, I knew what I was getting. Sexlessness and more sexlessness. And a whole lot of toxicity and contempt from my mate. At least the latter is now gone. Joy and hope have replaced all of that! I love my new single life!
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Post by solodriver on Mar 23, 2019 10:38:12 GMT -5
Unfortunately, I may end up continuing my celibacy after I leave, through no choice of my own. SoloD, that’s a risk we all take when we leave. I’m still celibate. However, that’s no different than when I was married. At least now, I have hope of one day /not/ being celibate any longer. In my marriage, I knew what I was getting. Sexlessness and more sexlessness. And a whole lot of toxicity and contempt from my mate. At least the latter is now gone. Joy and hope have replaced all of that! I love my new single life! Thanks elle,
I agree with you. Even though I do not have anyone to share love and intimacy with, it will be easier in that I'm not reminded that I'm living with someone who at one time loved me but no longer does. And you're right there is at least the HOPE that one day I will have it again, which I absolutely will NOT have staying in the SM.
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Post by theexplorer on Mar 25, 2019 9:51:03 GMT -5
Thanks for all the replies. Even though my SM has been over a decade long, I still struggle with accepting it at times. Like Smith227 and Solodriver mentioned, I question if I could even have a normal relationship / sex life at this point. That is probably one of the reasons I have stayed. (That is a lousy reason to stay!!) Staying has become easier in some respects. Testosterone levels drop with age and a man's sex drive declines as a result. I still miss sex, but not as much as 10 years ago.
Here is the story behind the original question:
I found an obscure website where a guy promotes living a celibate life. After reading some of his material, I posted the original question. This week-end, I spent more time looking through his site, hoping to discover some a new perspective or some "secret" to living a happy, celibate life. Nothing like this was found, but I did discover something interesting. Even as a teenager, this man had little to no interest in sex. He is almost certainly an asexual. This explains why he is so happy living a celibate life!! He promotes celibacy as if everyone should seriously consider it. He is using celibacy as a cover for his asexuality!
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Post by smith227 on Mar 27, 2019 3:11:27 GMT -5
Thanks for all the replies. Even though my SM has been over a decade long, I still struggle with accepting it at times. Like Smith227 and Solodriver mentioned, I question if I could even have a normal relationship / sex life at this point. That is probably one of the reasons I have stayed. (That is a lousy reason to stay!!) Staying has become easier in some respects. Testosterone levels drop with age and a man's sex drive declines as a result. I still miss sex, but not as much as 10 years ago. Here is the story behind the original question: I found an obscure website where a guy promotes living a celibate life. After reading some of his material, I posted the original question. This week-end, I spent more time looking through his site, hoping to discover some a new perspective or some "secret" to living a happy, celibate life. Nothing like this was found, but I did discover something interesting. Even as a teenager, this man had little to no interest in sex. He is almost certainly an asexual. This explains why he is so happy living a celibate life!! He promotes celibacy as if everyone should seriously consider it. He is using celibacy as a cover for his asexuality! I don’t understand why asexual people feel the need to push thier sexless agenda on sexual people. I know not all asexuals are like this, but I do see it. Being asexual doesn’t make you a piece of shit. Being knowingly asexual and baiting a sexual person into a relationship then pulling a 180 makes them a giant piece of shit. Or even thinking you might be asexual and tricking a sexual person into a marriage makes them a piece of shit. Figure out your sexuality or lack there of on your own. Don’t make actual sexual people waste years of their life and question everything about themselves bc you think everyone should be perfectly fine with no sex or affection.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 27, 2019 5:05:29 GMT -5
I imagine either asexual people do not recognise that they are different from the majority through an underestimation of normal libido, or that they wish for children and a family life which would be otherwise unavailable should they be more authentic about their orientation. It’s a shame because there seems to be no reason why two asexual people could not bite the bullet once or twice, have a family and then live a contented celibate life (instead of making ours miserable). I have thought more than once that some of the W described here would suit my H down to the ground.
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Post by Vijay.. on Aug 18, 2019 17:11:33 GMT -5
Is it possible to reduce my sex drive.. So that I may not miss sex... Are medicines available to reduce sex drive for men...? Have anybody tried this option to achieve celibacy in sexless marriage?
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Post by baza on Aug 18, 2019 18:16:11 GMT -5
Brother vijay . It looks like you are seeking advice for potential self harm. Anyway, that's your prerogative if you choose to head down that path. See your medico. No doubt there are such drugs (or drugs that have this side-effect), but whether a Doctor would prescribe such drugs for an otherwise healthy person is another question.
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