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Post by alexjsell on Mar 24, 2019 18:45:16 GMT -5
We have been together 7 1/2 years now, we never really had an overly regular or exciting sex life. Since our 2nd child was conceived we have dropped down to roughly once per 3 months, though with regular periods of much longer. When the topic comes up I lie and tell her that it's not a big deal or that it's not an issue for me. She is apologetic, says she just hasn't the energy or the interest, says her health (regularly moderate to severe asthma, depending on season) makes it impossible for her to feel in the mood, she's too stressed to relax or that her weight, which has never been an issue for me (BBW 4 EVA!), has thrown her hormones completely off kilter and killed her sex drive.
I try to be supportive, I regularly demonstrate that I cannot keep my hands off her, I show her that I love her and I make sure she knows I find her attractive.
I'm at the point where I can't bring myself to keep trying. I live each day is constant and increasing pain from an old motorcycle injury, I work long hours because she wants to and enjoys being a SAHM with the kids and nights like tonight are now the norm. I came to bed by 9:20pm to rest my leg and I know that she will be up in the loungeroom until 12-1am watching TV.
I don't know what to do anymore, I feel alone at home with my wife and kids.
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Post by alexjsell on Mar 24, 2019 18:46:31 GMT -5
In the past when I have brought up my desires for sex or expressed concerns about our sex life she has gotten extremely defensive, putting it on her health, her weight, exhaustion, etc. ZThen for weeks following she acts defensively every time I attempt to show any affection as though she expects it to be an attempt to pressure her for sex.
I've reached the point where I don't even try to initiate sex anymore.
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Post by baza on Mar 24, 2019 19:03:00 GMT -5
Brother alexjsell Your post might attract more comment if posted in the Sexless Marriage Issues rather than in this Introduction section. Anyway, welcome to the zoo. So far your story reads as quite unremarkable - you'll find plenty of other members stories here telling similar stories. Whatever point you are at, someone else here has been through it, so you'll find plenty of material to read, and hopefully get some input on how they handled the situation. |
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firefollower
Full Member
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Post by firefollower on Mar 27, 2019 12:20:48 GMT -5
We have been together 7 1/2 years now, we never really had an overly regular or exciting sex life. Since our 2nd child was conceived we have dropped down to roughly once per 3 months, though with regular periods of much longer. When the topic comes up I lie and tell her that it's not a big deal or that it's not an issue for me. She is apologetic, says she just hasn't the energy or the interest, says her health (regularly moderate to severe asthma, depending on season) makes it impossible for her to feel in the mood, she's too stressed to relax or that her weight, which has never been an issue for me (BBW 4 EVA!), has thrown her hormones completely off kilter and killed her sex drive. I try to be supportive, I regularly demonstrate that I cannot keep my hands off her, I show her that I love her and I make sure she knows I find her attractive. I'm at the point where I can't bring myself to keep trying. I live each day is constant and increasing pain from an old motorcycle injury, I work long hours because she wants to and enjoys being a SAHM with the kids and nights like tonight are now the norm. I came to bed by 9:20pm to rest my leg and I know that she will be up in the loungeroom until 12-1am watching TV. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel alone at home with my wife and kids. Alex, I hear you my brother...my SM started after the 2nd child as well...I know that I have seen that # of children from other posters here as well. Don't know if it is significant or not. The angry part of me wants to say that they got what they want... two kids, stay at home and now they are done with the marriage. |
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Post by flashjohn on Mar 27, 2019 15:33:41 GMT -5
When the topic comes up I lie and tell her that it's not a big deal or that it's not an issue for me. My friend, please stop doing this. As awkward as it may be, you have to tell her that you are not happy with the way things are. |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 27, 2019 15:53:37 GMT -5
Alexjsell said: “When the topic comes up I lie and tell her that it's not a big deal or that it's not an issue for me. She is apologetic, says she just hasn't the energy or the interest, says her health (regularly moderate to severe asthma, depending on season) makes it impossible for her to feel in the mood, she's too stressed to relax or that her weight, which has never been an issue for me (BBW 4 EVA!), has thrown her hormones completely off kilter and killed her sex drive. ”
You need to be honest with her and tell her that it is s big deal for you and you need her to talk to her doctor to see if there’s a medical reason for her lack of libido. Sex is the glue of a marriage. Keep acting like it’s lack is no big deal and you will find yourself years into sexlessness and feeling like your wife is your sister.
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Post by alexjsell on Mar 27, 2019 19:19:15 GMT -5
You need to be honest with her and tell her that it is s big deal for you and you need her to talk to her doctor to see if there’s a medical reason for her lack of libido. Sex is the glue of a marriage. Keep acting like it’s lack is no big deal and you will find yourself years into sexlessness and feeling like your wife is your sister. Hi Northstarmom. Honestly I find myself approaching the point where even caring requires a physical effort. I just can't be effed most days. I have discussed with her before my concerns regarding her overall health but as always she just blows me off. She tells me that her libido will return when her weight goes down, but her weight can't go down until her asthma is under control which is waiting for a specialist appointment that she never follows up on. Her general mood and disposition is Depressed but it's my fault. I don't help out around the house enough, I haven't made a good enough effort seeking counselling/support for my PTSD, I don't do this or do that, etc. She sits on the couch watching TV shows &movies on her laptop. Occassionally she gets up, does some house work, whatever, but without fail she will go back to that couch and plant herself. Some mornings I leave for work and when I get home I cannot tell if she has gotten up at all through the day. I have become a workaholic simply because being at work brings me more joy than being at home. I regularly start work 45 minutes unpaid simply because I enjoy being at work rather than at home. I'm not saying that if we start having sex all of these issues and gripes will go away, but I think we'd at least be in better moods generally and more likely to work together to solve things. I would feel better about getting support for my own mental health if I felt that there was something to gain. At the moment it is simply, "Get help for it because you're an arsehole to be around." I'm not on antidepressants that assist in suppressing my anger & agression, they also have the benefit of killing my libido. I am no longer horny & miserable, just miserable. |
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Post by baza on Mar 27, 2019 20:01:19 GMT -5
I think the motivation to change must come from within, and further, be based on ones long term best interests. Here for example Brother alexjsell , your missus' motivation to address her asthma would need to be because it is in her own best longer term interests to do so, NOT because you think she ought to. And on the other hand, you addressing your PTSD would need to be because it is in your best longer term best interests, NOT because she thinks you ought to. It's not your job to try and sort out her issues. That's her job. And it's not her job to sort out your issues. That job is yours. Do you think that addressing your issues would be a good idea in and of itself, irrespective of what your marriage is like, irrespective of other outside factors in your life, irrespective of what your missus may or may not do ? Would the case for you addressing your issues stand up all by itself as being a worthwhile thing to do for yourself ? |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 27, 2019 20:17:20 GMT -5
alexjsell, you aren't responsible for your wife and you can't make her do anything to increase her libido. But, you can be honest with her and yourself about the harm lack of sex is causing to your marriage. Being honest about this would allow you to make the decisions that are in your best interest.
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Post by alexjsell on Mar 27, 2019 22:09:29 GMT -5
Do you think that addressing your issues would be a good idea in and of itself, irrespective of what your marriage is like, irrespective of other outside factors in your life, irrespective of what your missus may or may not do ? Would the case for you addressing your issues stand up all by itself as being a worthwhile thing to do for yourself ? - I honestly don't think there is enough I can do to make her happy that I have addressed my issues. As long as I am capable of losing my temper then in her mind I am not addressing the traumas of my past properly. No matter what I have done to improve my mental health I have always received, "You are doing better, BUT..." Unfortunately she seems to think that I just need to go to counselling/therapy long enough and then BOOM! I'll be completely different and never lose my temper or have any issues ever again. |
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Post by baza on Mar 28, 2019 1:58:01 GMT -5
I guess that's the point Brother alexjsell . If your work on your stuff is based on pleasing your missus, then based on what you say above, that aim is very unlikely to succeed. But if your work on your stuff was based on pleasing yourself, doing it just because it's a good idea in and of itself, because it might be in your longer term best interests, then what your insensitive missus thinks about your program and progress is largely irrelevant. It has nothing to fucking do with her really. She appears to have plenty of her own stuff to work on without time to waste providing a running critique on what you are doing. It would be nice to have a supportive and sensitive spouse to have your back. But you ain't got that unfortunately. And of course it would be nice for her to have your support in respect to her issues. But I take your point that she is not actually working on her issues so there is nothing for you to support. |
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 28, 2019 9:46:40 GMT -5
“Her general mood and disposition is Depressed but it's my fault. I don't help out around the house enough, I haven't made a good enough effort seeking counselling/support for my PTSD, I don't do this or do that, etc. She sits on the couch watching TV shows &movies on her laptop. Occassionally she gets up, does some house work, whatever, but without fail she will go back to that couch and plant herself. Some mornings I leave for work and when I get home I cannot tell if she has gotten up at all through the day.”
I went through that after losing a job and then having my mom suddenly die. I was suffering from major depression, which is a serious medical problem. My husband never noticed or commented. After about 6 months of suffering I finally started seeing a therapist, which ended up being my first big step toward a happier life including letting go of a husband who didn’t really care about my needs. (Incidentally, my husband also was a sexual refuser.)
If you care about your wife and children I strongly suggest that you make an appointment for her with her doctor, go there with her and tell the doctor what you have been observing: that your wife has no energy, no libido, etc. have the doctor run tests to find out if those symptoms are due to a problem like a thyroid problem. If nothing is found get your wife an appointment with a good psychiatrist so she can get medication. In the US, psychiatrists are the only medical professionals with extensive training in prescribing drugs for depression. Other medical specialists can prescribe those medications but lack the extensive training.
Go with your wife to the appointment and tell the psychiatrist about her symptoms. If the psychiatrist recommends meds ask if it’s possible to prescribe one that doesn’t depress libido. That is possible as I’ve been on antidepressants for years and still have a libido.
In the US, insurance regulations mean that psychiatrists only have time to prescribe meds and do med checks. They don’t provide therapy. Research indicates meds plus therapy are the best way to treat depression. This it could be useful for your wife to also see s licensed mental health therapist or counselor.
This may seem like a lot for you to do but depression indeed is a serious illness. One could no more expect someone to handle it alone than if they were debilitated by cancer. Expecting your wife to find doctors etc. could be too much for her to do if she’s so depressed she can’t get out of bed.
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Post by elkclan2 on Mar 28, 2019 14:30:21 GMT -5
^^^^THIS
I had a major depressive episode, too. Also if you are suffering from mental illness like PTSD you owe it yourself, your kids and yes -even to your wife - to get help as well. I didn't get much from talk therapy when I was depressed but it sooooo helpful when I had symptoms of PTSD including depression (from my crap marriage!)
The depression will affect her ability to manager her weight and fitness as well - though I completely call bullshit on the inability to deal with fitness without dealing with asthma first. Yes, it should be managed, but it's possible to move a little bit more which will help with appetite and depression - which should have a knock on effect on weight.
I am a strong proponent as well of the Health At Every Size (HAES) movement - although I don't buy that some of their lines that weight has no effect on joint health - instead one can be HEALTHIER at any size that you start at and fitness doesn't have to be about weight loss. Moving more and lifting weights can also help with T levels in women which has a great impact on increasing libido.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 28, 2019 15:18:23 GMT -5
alexjsell: " I haven't made a good enough effort seeking counselling/support for my PTSD...."
Please, please get help for yourself. From what you've posted, both you and your wife have major mental health issues that need addressing ASAP. WHile I've suggested things that you can do to get her into treatment, you need to take care of yourself first. It's like what happens on airplanes: How parents are told to put the oxygen mask first on themselves before putting it on their kids. That's because if parents give the masks to their kids first, the parents may pass out and not be able to give any more help to their kids.
How have you been coping with PTSD and chronic pain? I know a lot of people self medicate by using drugs or alcohol, and that has an effect on their relationships....
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Post by workingonit on Mar 28, 2019 16:53:57 GMT -5
I agree with the above and the general sense that you bettering you can only benefit you. Your wife may jump on board and your marriage may get a boost to improve. Or not. Either way you will be in a better place. For you.
Life is short. It does not have to be miserable. You do get to make choices. And I firmly believe we get to turn our shit boats around and rewrite our stories. I have to believe it.
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