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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2019 13:14:07 GMT -5
I am grateful to have recently found this community and more grateful to have the privilege to read the experiences of the members.
I knocked up my now wife after 6 months. Our daughter is 4 and a half. We've been married 2 and a half years. You can do the math. We never had much sex from the beginning, and it was never really that satisfying.
In many of these posts, there seems to be so much bitterness and resentment. I, myself, have been coming to this point.
We have a pretty decent marriage, I think. We are good friends. We have stable careers. We are on the same page as parents. We have worked to overcome a lot of issues. Just no intimacy or sex. If there was a sixth love language, mine would be intimate sex.
The part that really messes with my head is She makes me believe that she values our marriage and she values doing the work to always make it better. Meanwhile, I am sitting here wondering if my patience will last long enough to work out our sex and intimacy problem.
Am I doomed to become bitter and resentful too? Did your partner have you fooled early on like making you believe things will change?
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Post by Handy on Apr 21, 2019 14:29:34 GMT -5
michaeljames, a spouse can love you and not be all that interested in a sexual or physical relationship with you. It all had to do with their internal sex drive. It sounds as if your sex drive is much higher than your W's. Are you wrong or is she wrong to have what you each have? Working out the differences is where the hard work can be.
Just an observation from my many years of listening to relationship problems. Getting pregnant before marriage puts people in extra stress in the long run. some couples think that they are only married because of the child's welfare and they over look other things that make for workable relationships.
This is one reason I had in my mind no sex with a girl unless she was desirable enough to be the mother of all of our children. Even when using the best birth control, some women get pregnant.
There are buyers (me) renters (people that stay or do things together id both benefits) and free loaders (just in a relationship for what they can get with out doing much of the work and not taking responsibility).
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Post by baza on Apr 21, 2019 19:38:42 GMT -5
"If" your future goes like most here Brother @michaeljames , you will float on in your deal until you are in your 40's before the resentment levels reach a point of toxicity.
By then, there'll likely be another kid, intertwined finances etc and in general a more complicated scenario than you have today.
That's "if" your situation goes like most here (which I hope it doesn't)
On the upside, you have arrived here about 5 years in by the look of it, and by the standards of this group that's pretty early on. That potentially gives you a better chance than most of sorting your situation out - one way or another - while you are still relatively young.
Are you prepared at this stage, to put the marriage on the line, to sort it all out, one way or the other ?
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 21, 2019 23:26:02 GMT -5
MichaelJames said: “I knocked up my now wife after 6 months. Our daughter is 4 and a half. We've been married 2 and a half years. You can do the math. We never had much sex from the beginning, and it was never really that satisfying. ”
Typically, how sex is during the beginning months of your sexual relationship is the best it will be. Your future likely consists of unsatisfying sex that finishes to zero unless your wife wants more kids. If she decides to get pregnant, sex usually will increase until a pregnancy results, then it will end.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 22, 2019 17:18:43 GMT -5
Welcome. I’m sorry you’re here but hopefully the group can help.
Like you I also came here early on in my marriage: 5 years married, together a little over a decade. I left him less than a year after I joined here and came to terms with my reality. We were intimacy free as well as sexless. But when I say intimacy free I really mean our marriage was affectionless. And that was the part that really killed me. Is yours like that?
I feel like there are many here who can be “happy enough” with their situations. Some affection, some sex (though not enough), but the rest of the marriage makes up for it. Then there are others, like me, who realize once they delve deeper into things that the sexlessness was really a symptom of the problems with our relationship rather than the main issue. I personally think the most important thing you can do is discover which category you fall into.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 22, 2019 20:32:13 GMT -5
@michaeljames ... you are not doomed to anything you don't choose and accept. Regardless of our particular circumstances, we each choose to accept and stay or we choose to leave ... we choose to take action and make the effort to speak up and try to change our situation or we choose to stay quiet and allow people to do to us without regard for what we ourselves want. I agree the sex pattern established early on is likely the pattern that will continue. That said, though, that pattern doesn't have to be accepted, nor do you have to become bitter over it. I also don't believe that it's impossible to find an acceptable middle ground and a way to make it work. We control our actions and our attitudes. Take heed of those who have come before you here, for they have truly been thru the fire and the statistics are what they are. No one says your story has to end with a massive crash and burn though. Learn from those on here and practice what they suggest. The earlier you shine a light on the elephant in your room the sooner you can find a solution or realize a change is necessary. The saying that comes to mind is, "Pain in inevitable, suffering is optional". I wish you much luck.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 22, 2019 20:44:40 GMT -5
I am grateful to have recently found this community and more grateful to have the privilege to read the experiences of the members. I knocked up my now wife after 6 months. Our daughter is 4 and a half. We've been married 2 and a half years. You can do the math. We never had much sex from the beginning, and it was never really that satisfying. In many of these posts, there seems to be so much bitterness and resentment. I, myself, have been coming to this point. We have a pretty decent marriage, I think. We are good friends. We have stable careers. We are on the same page as parents. We have worked to overcome a lot of issues. Just no intimacy or sex. If there was a sixth love language, mine would be intimate sex. The part that really messes with my head is She makes me believe that she values our marriage and she values doing the work to always make it better. Meanwhile, I am sitting here wondering if my patience will last long enough to work out our sex and intimacy problem. Am I doomed to become bitter and resentful too? Did your partner have you fooled early on like making you believe things will change? "Expectation is pre-meditated resentment." -some wise gal or guy
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Post by solodriver on Apr 22, 2019 22:22:33 GMT -5
"Expectation is pre-meditated resentment." -some wise gal or guy
"Expectation" is what kept me in my SM 20 years past it's expiration date.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 23, 2019 1:07:10 GMT -5
I am grateful to have recently found this community and more grateful to have the privilege to read the experiences of the members. I knocked up my now wife after 6 months. Our daughter is 4 and a half. We've been married 2 and a half years. You can do the math. We never had much sex from the beginning, and it was never really that satisfying. In many of these posts, there seems to be so much bitterness and resentment. I, myself, have been coming to this point. We have a pretty decent marriage, I think. We are good friends. We have stable careers. We are on the same page as parents. We have worked to overcome a lot of issues. Just no intimacy or sex. If there was a sixth love language, mine would be intimate sex. The part that really messes with my head is She makes me believe that she values our marriage and she values doing the work to always make it better. Meanwhile, I am sitting here wondering if my patience will last long enough to work out our sex and intimacy problem. Am I doomed to become bitter and resentful too? Did your partner have you fooled early on like making you believe things will change? Have you spoken candidly with your wife about how unhappy you are? If you don't force the issue, you can expect that things will not get any better, and you, probably, will get bitter. Of course, it depends on how much sex you're getting, how bad it is for you and how good you are (or aren't) at dissociating your sexual needs and emotions from your reality. I think everyone needs more information to offer useful advice. In the meantime, have you thought about whether or not you want to impregnate your wife again, if you are having some sex? Contraception is always a good idea if you're not sure you want to have more children.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2019 7:31:15 GMT -5
I have had a few conversations with my wife about what my ideal sexual relationship would be with her. I can clearly spell it out and she is willing to listen intently. She is less sure of exactly what she wants in a sexual relationship, however, I know it's not the same as me but I would be happy to teach a middle ground.
The last conversation we had a couple weeks ago, we actually wrote down the things our partner wanted and needed. She acted on it days later and it was amazing.
But since then, nothing. I fully realize many if not most of the members here have or had it worse than me. I do not place myself on the same level of their suffering.
We do not want more children at the moment. She has an IUD.
I am certain she has unresolved mental issues about sex, (thank you mother in law for shaming your daughter for doing things most kids do) (Thank you college frat boy coercive rapists for hurting such a sweet woman). I myself have issues in that I put so much importance on sex in a relationship because it is how I feel love. I am starting counseling for my sexual mental health and to resolve my issues.
I find myself counting how many days it's been since we made love. Right now it's been 15 days (I know this is nothing compared to you brothers and sisters). I even started recording on my calendar the days someone initiated (almost always me), and failed, and the days that were successful.
Previous years we averaged about 12 times per year or once a month.
I have been starting to feel inside that I am not sure I am even sexually attracted to her anymore. Physically, she is sooo attractive. But when you pair that with the history of my advances being rebuffed countless times over the years, the thought of trying again seems less and less appealing.
I've been working hard on myself the be the best husband I can be. It's made our relationship much better but hasn't changed the sex situation at all
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 23, 2019 8:51:43 GMT -5
MichaelJames said:”I've been working hard on myself the be the best husband I can be. ”
The experiences of many here including me have demonstrated that doing this won’t make your spouse fuck you.
I suggest working hard on yourself to become the person who makes you happy. Your spouse still probably won’t fuck you. But after you become the best you for you it may happen that your spouse no longer is a good fit for you and as a result, with no big regret, you let go of her. BTDT and am happy with my life.
Or if you choose to stay, you may have built your happiness around things you can control your own actions and decisions, not whether your wife fucks you.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 23, 2019 10:33:46 GMT -5
I believe my wife when she says she wants to constantly improve the quality of our marriage. She's proven faithful to this assertion in many areas of our relationship. I am hoping with communication and respect and patience, this will carry over into sex.
Am I just being naive?
The nearly sexless pregnancy, and the nearly sexless two years after birth are just throwaways, right? They don't count?
I think I can not relate to many here who have spouses that I would describe as abusive or indifferent.
My wife has never been mean spirited or indifferent or disrespectful to me. She is very caring.
I worry that this is how all or most SMs start.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 23, 2019 11:55:44 GMT -5
What you describe is exactly how the sms of many here started. Don’t kid yourself. The only hope for you is if you confront it directly now and she chooses to change. Otherwise, unless she wants another child, you eventually will be completely sexless.
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Post by h on Apr 23, 2019 14:29:55 GMT -5
I believe my wife when she says she wants to constantly improve the quality of our marriage. She's proven faithful to this assertion in many areas of our relationship. I am hoping with communication and respect and patience, this will carry over into sex. Am I just being naive? The nearly sexless pregnancy, and the nearly sexless two years after birth are just throwaways, right? They don't count? I think I can not relate to many here who have spouses that I would describe as abusive or indifferent. My wife has never been mean spirited or indifferent or disrespectful to me. She is very caring. I worry that this is how all or most SMs start. My marriage started out similarly. We were pleasant in all ways except sex. There was almost no sex from the start. I kept hoping that if I tried just a little harder or waited patiently just a little longer, eventually she would come around. We're coming up on 11 years this summer and nothing has changed in any permanent way. Every discussion we have ends with her promising to do better, followed by one round of ok sex, a week or two of barely mediocre sex, and then a return to neglect for several weeks or months. You're still early in the marriage so I won't say that your situation is hopeless or unfixable, but you have to push for real change. If you're not willing to put the marriage on the line and risk ending it, you will be where I am in 5 years: still stuck. You found this forum much sooner than I did so you have the opportunity to handle this situation more effectively. It absolutely will not get better unless you do something.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 23, 2019 14:45:45 GMT -5
MichaelJames said: “Previous years we averaged about 12 times per year or once a month.
Sounds like the norm in your marriage is close to the medical definition of SM: 10 or fewer times a year. You have indicated the low amount of sex is due to some shaming and traumas your wife experiences. If she wants to change, she will get the psychological or other treatment needed. Otherwise, expect the sex to diminish.
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