Hi, glad I found this forum
May 16, 2019 16:40:49 GMT -5
via mobile
northstarmom, saarinista, and 2 more like this
Post by paddlingalone on May 16, 2019 16:40:49 GMT -5
New member, just wanted to say I'm glad someone created a forum about this issue. The only people who seem to understand are others in the same situation.
So, I'm relatively stuck in a sexless marriage. Met my husband online, married in 2015. I'm from Canada and he's from the US. Moved down to the US to be with him, now we've got 2 children aged 2 1/2 and 8 months. I'm a SAHM and financially dependent on him.
Early on the sexual chemistry wasn't great -- I was always initiating, but due to the border issue we were only seeing each other once a week, so I didn't get a good picture of how things would be once we were married. I asked about sexual compatibility before we married, and he led me to believe we'd have a regular active sex life. He lied.
Eventually I just got tired of initiating. I felt undesired. So I stopped, and then no sex. My husband says his libido has just really decreased the past several years and that he used to have an active sexual life with previous girlfriends. He's in his late 40s, I'm in my mid-30s. First marriage for both of us.
Of course I've initiated the talk several times, often in tears, wanting him to at least see a doctor to check if there may be a hormonal imbalance. Finally he did, and the blood draw revealed his testosterone was low. This I had long suspected because he has a cluster of symptoms -- no sex drive, fatigue, irritability.
As of yet he won't do anything about it. The doctor recommended some hormone therapy to rebalance hormone levels.
My husband doesn't refuse me -- if I initiate he will make an effort, but it's passionless and he's just going through the motions. I'm not interested in that. I want to be desired, I want him to be excited to be with me.
So as to being stuck. I am quite literally stuck. I'm in the US now, no family or friends nearby, with 2 young kids and I don't know how to drive in a car dependent area. (I'm from a large city and never learned). So I couldn't move out right now even if I wanted.
What's keeping me in the marriage right now is that I don't want to be a single mother and full-time bread winner as well. I'd rather be celibate than have that kind of stress.
My emotions are up and down. I'll be coping fine for a while, and then something will trigger upset about the sexless marriage and I'll get into a depressed funk for a few days.
Of course like many of you here, I've rehashed in my mind over and over what I can/could/should do. I've gone over many different scenarios in my mind. Right now what feels best to me is staying for 15 years until my oldest is 18 and my youngest is 16. I'll be about 49 or 50 years old then. The idea of being a struggling single mother scares me, nor do I want to stay forever in this marriage if nothing changes. But the middle road could be doable. I also wouldn't inflict a divorce on my children mid childhood.
Of course my husband might decide to have his hormone levels treated someday, increasing his libido, and improving the situation. That would change things sexually, but I know he doesn't really care for me so a lot of my feelings are gone now. Someone who can see their spouse in pain and do nothing doesn't love their spouse.
Other things: when I was heavily pregnant with my second, I caught him watching porn once. He said my belly made me too big to have sex with, and that he really hadn't been watching it much.
I also strongly suspect he's not attracted to me, and maybe never was. I think Low T is maybe 80 to 90% of the problem, and porn/no attraction is the other 10 to 20%.
I once asked my husband if I could have my needs discreetly met elsewhere, and he said no. Yay celibacy...
What gets me through now is biding my time until I can leave, planning what I'll get up to once I'm on my own again. I do know I don't want to marry again.
At any rate that's my situation. Thank you for listening and I look forward to interacting with you all.
Ps. It's funny how when you mention the situation to other people, everyone has a different reaction. Some people feel sorry for you, some judge you for getting into the marriage in the first place, some tell you to stay, some tell you to leave. It's like there's 100 different opinions on the subject of SM.
So, I'm relatively stuck in a sexless marriage. Met my husband online, married in 2015. I'm from Canada and he's from the US. Moved down to the US to be with him, now we've got 2 children aged 2 1/2 and 8 months. I'm a SAHM and financially dependent on him.
Early on the sexual chemistry wasn't great -- I was always initiating, but due to the border issue we were only seeing each other once a week, so I didn't get a good picture of how things would be once we were married. I asked about sexual compatibility before we married, and he led me to believe we'd have a regular active sex life. He lied.
Eventually I just got tired of initiating. I felt undesired. So I stopped, and then no sex. My husband says his libido has just really decreased the past several years and that he used to have an active sexual life with previous girlfriends. He's in his late 40s, I'm in my mid-30s. First marriage for both of us.
Of course I've initiated the talk several times, often in tears, wanting him to at least see a doctor to check if there may be a hormonal imbalance. Finally he did, and the blood draw revealed his testosterone was low. This I had long suspected because he has a cluster of symptoms -- no sex drive, fatigue, irritability.
As of yet he won't do anything about it. The doctor recommended some hormone therapy to rebalance hormone levels.
My husband doesn't refuse me -- if I initiate he will make an effort, but it's passionless and he's just going through the motions. I'm not interested in that. I want to be desired, I want him to be excited to be with me.
So as to being stuck. I am quite literally stuck. I'm in the US now, no family or friends nearby, with 2 young kids and I don't know how to drive in a car dependent area. (I'm from a large city and never learned). So I couldn't move out right now even if I wanted.
What's keeping me in the marriage right now is that I don't want to be a single mother and full-time bread winner as well. I'd rather be celibate than have that kind of stress.
My emotions are up and down. I'll be coping fine for a while, and then something will trigger upset about the sexless marriage and I'll get into a depressed funk for a few days.
Of course like many of you here, I've rehashed in my mind over and over what I can/could/should do. I've gone over many different scenarios in my mind. Right now what feels best to me is staying for 15 years until my oldest is 18 and my youngest is 16. I'll be about 49 or 50 years old then. The idea of being a struggling single mother scares me, nor do I want to stay forever in this marriage if nothing changes. But the middle road could be doable. I also wouldn't inflict a divorce on my children mid childhood.
Of course my husband might decide to have his hormone levels treated someday, increasing his libido, and improving the situation. That would change things sexually, but I know he doesn't really care for me so a lot of my feelings are gone now. Someone who can see their spouse in pain and do nothing doesn't love their spouse.
Other things: when I was heavily pregnant with my second, I caught him watching porn once. He said my belly made me too big to have sex with, and that he really hadn't been watching it much.
I also strongly suspect he's not attracted to me, and maybe never was. I think Low T is maybe 80 to 90% of the problem, and porn/no attraction is the other 10 to 20%.
I once asked my husband if I could have my needs discreetly met elsewhere, and he said no. Yay celibacy...
What gets me through now is biding my time until I can leave, planning what I'll get up to once I'm on my own again. I do know I don't want to marry again.
At any rate that's my situation. Thank you for listening and I look forward to interacting with you all.
Ps. It's funny how when you mention the situation to other people, everyone has a different reaction. Some people feel sorry for you, some judge you for getting into the marriage in the first place, some tell you to stay, some tell you to leave. It's like there's 100 different opinions on the subject of SM.