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Post by cassiopeia92 on May 25, 2019 1:52:03 GMT -5
Thinking about what is good about my H, too often here I see us only looking at or talking about the bad. And I am as guilty as snyone else.
So here goes:
He is a pretty good Grandfather, remember here that they are not his blood grandkids. He gives wise counsel to the older 3 and they know they can come to him with anything and he will help. The 3 youngest he spoils with treats, snacks and hot chocolate with marshmallows and cream. True he comes down too hard when they do wrong but that is from his childhood can learn.
He is often fun to be with just good company and we share a love of animals.
He works hard and very little would stop him showing up. Even with diabetic issues he powers through in a way I dont think I could.
He takes out the trash and cleans the yard, with 3 dogs thats a lot.
He is generous. As long as the bills are paid he is good with me spending though I have my own money too of course.
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Post by baza on May 25, 2019 2:42:00 GMT -5
I'm going back in to history here, but my ex missus was a really good financial partner. She had a really cutting sense of humour too. She was a good mother and Aunty, Sister. She had some good attributes, no question about that.
But unfortunately what she brought to the table (good and bad) - and what I brought to the table (good and bad) - resulted in a pretty dysfunctional mix. And in the long run, the mix produced an ILIASM deal that was not capable of sustaining itself, and it ended.
But, as a single issue, yes, my missus did have some good attributes.
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Post by northstarmom on May 25, 2019 4:14:15 GMT -5
My ex had many good qualities that would have made him a great fit for another woman: He is nice looking; looks younger than his age; makes excellent pay and has good savings; is well respected in his field; is sophisticated and can fit in with virtually any group; is an excellent cook; was a good father to our sons; co-parents well with me; was always supportive of my hobbies; was easy to travel with and did much of the planning and driving; was not verballly or physically abusive or addicted to anything; was tolerant of my quirks such as my ADD and not being very organized around the house.
He could have been a good match for me as a friend or a platonic roommate. That he was not sexually or emotionally intimate with me made him a bad match for me as a husband because those things are important to me. They were so important that I divorced even though that meant moving out of my dream house and having to work jobs I disliked. I've now been divorced for almost 6 years. The only time I missed him was once when I needed to put a new lightbulb into a ceiling fixture and wished he could do it for me. I missed him for a minute. Then, I remembered I could use a ladder.
Cassiopeia, your h having some good qualities doesn't automatically mean that it is worth it to you to stay with him. It's up to you to figure out whether his good qualities and the benefits he brings to your life mean that you are better off with him than without him.
One last thing: My sons were 24 and 28 when I decided to divorce. If they had not been adults, my h's excellent parenting of them would have been cause for me to stay with him despite his lack of sexual and emotional intimacy with me. Sex and emotional intimacy with my h were less important to me than was my sons' living in a home with two involved parents. I'm still glad that I didn't divorce before my sons left our home.
Figure out what's most important to you and then find a way to be content with the results of that decision.
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Post by Handy on May 25, 2019 7:14:01 GMT -5
My W is an animal (cats, dogs, parrots) person. If you are one of those and ever find yourself homeless, look her up. She gives attention, food, snacks and excellent medical care and a very warm bed to sleep in.
She is good for medication (pills) advice because she was a medication nurse and she sort of keeps with how effective or dangerous some of the older and newer medications are.
When it comes to people, her attitude is they need to take care of them self, so she rarely sees the grand kids, that is my job. She is a shopping addict (TV and catalogs) with money she has and rarely leaves the house.
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Post by worksforme2 on May 25, 2019 7:43:54 GMT -5
My X also has a lot of good qualities and many traits that taken on the whole are desirable. She is a meticulous house keeper with little tolerance for dust or dirt. She has good tastes when it comes to decorating, as long as it revolves around brown colors. She contributes to the homeless through various church activities and rarely fails to dish out some folding money when she drives past a homeless person at an intersection. She is very loving and caring toward her grandchildren, although not so much when it came to mine. She is good with money, a good cook, nearly as good as me. And generally speaking see looks for the positive aspects when faced with a difficult choice or situation. But she has some negative traits other than her sexless preference. She doesn't have a lot of empathy at times. She sees herself as an Alpha female and prefers the company of other Alphas. We were very good together until my job evaporated 10 yrs. ago and there was no possibility of me being re-employed in my field. She stopped seeing me as an Alpha male even though I probably contributed over half of the costs in maintaining our lifestyle. She did and does have many good qualities, but not enough to out weigh the lack of intimacy in our relationship.
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Post by workingonit on May 27, 2019 6:53:58 GMT -5
He is brilliant and incredibly interesting to talk with. He has a diversity of interests and is the most well read person I have ever known. He is honest to a fault. He is mostly immune to social or societal pressures. He has a surprising, quirky sense of humor that can literally make me cry from laughing. He indulges my love for live music. He wears fun socks. He has the loveliest green eyes. He is handsome. His bald head smells inexplicably like wild strawberries.
This is sad to write.
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2019 16:04:34 GMT -5
My W is whip-smart, we enjoy many of the same things (outdoor walks, kayaking, animals, '80s movies) and she tolerates my old motorcycle hobby. For most of our marriage she made a very nice income in a contracted position that allowed her to be flexible and home when our kids were being raised. She's a good Mom, engaged and on-it. She also has a gift for logistics and planning that, when combined with my skills, make us pretty unstoppable when faced with any adversity. It's a good mix. She's active in the community and volunteers at many places, makes friends easily and cares for others.
If she wasn't surrounded by a tough outer shell, pretty great fit for me.
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Post by snowman12345 on May 28, 2019 19:15:58 GMT -5
My W has large breasts. Please see my avatar. Okay, okay - she fights like a tiger for abused and neglected children. She has the patience of Job when dealing with her grandchildren. Through out our marriage she always, always had my back.
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Post by baza on May 29, 2019 1:31:06 GMT -5
As you'd probably gather from the responses here - and the comments generally in the group - refusing spouses are not usually ogres with no redeeming features at all.
The thing is, your spouse brings there various attributes to the joint venture, and you bring yours. Then, they are all mixed together. And the result is - - a high level of compatibility and chemistry - an acceptable level of compatibility and chemistry - a borderline level of compatibility and chemistry - an unacceptable level of compatibility and chemistry - a low level of compatibility and chemistry.
And, if the mix fails to come up to expectations, that ain't necessarily anyone's fault. The failure of the mix does NOT necessarily make your spouse (or you) a failure.
What it does do however, is reveal that you are with an unsuitable person to realise your version of a marriage.
Your various attributes may - with the right person - produce a great mix. Similarly, your spouses various attributes may produce a great mix - with the right person.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 29, 2019 20:40:24 GMT -5
My ex is incredibly hard working, generous, and a brilliant businessman. (He worked his way up from a truck driver to VP of a global company within 15 years.) He used to be funny. But now work is all he has.
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Post by saarinista on May 29, 2019 20:41:13 GMT -5
Geeze, some of these spouses sound pretty good. Maybe some of us just need to swap with each other.;-)Just kidding, just kidding. I think.
See, my husband has good qualities, too. He gets me coffee every morning. He's tolerated my career snafus and annoying family. He doesn't drink or smoke or use drugs. He's in excellent shape; especially considering he's 71, and he's a nice looking man. He's always ready to help a neighbor in need. He loves our dogs. He's sincere. Etc, etc.
Sometimes I wonder if I pushed him away or made him asexual somehow. Maybe I'm just not good at marriage. Maybe no one could ever be enough. And then I think hell, at this point, who's going to want ME?
I know some of that is the sexless marriage talking-but is it all is that all it is?
That's one of the things that scares me. Sigh.
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Post by Handy on May 29, 2019 21:22:35 GMT -5
Saarinista Maybe I'm just not good at marriage. Maybe no one could ever be enough. And then I think hell, at this point, who's going to want ME?
I know some of that is the sexless marriage talking-but is it all is that all it is?
Saarinista, someone would like you but the rub from my perspective is how does one meet that person that really wants to be with you for the long term?
What I have been doing is thinking it might take multiple friends to fill different needs.
Northstarmom does things with several different of her friends so she doesn't rely on one person to fill most of her needs.
I am engaging different people to explore different interests. It is slow going, which is the disappointing part.
If I decide to ride my bicycle anywhere near your area, we could go out for an ice tea at Mcdonald's. Now, let me calculate the time~~~~~ OK it would only take 40 days plus some rest days for me to pedal to your area.
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Post by solodriver on May 30, 2019 20:52:04 GMT -5
My roommate has earned 2 Bachelor's and 3 Master's Degrees.
And one day, that is all she will be left with.
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Post by northstarmom on May 31, 2019 6:12:42 GMT -5
Handy said: “I am engaging different people to explore different interests. It is slow going, which is the disappointing part..”’
Finding activities that you love and people to do them with takes time. You need the time to learn about yourself and what yiu like. You need the time to find and connect with people who are compatible with andv whom you can trust and be yourself with. This process took several years for me. And at first I ended up with people who were not compatible or who were using me in some way. Be patient. It’s a learning process. It also will involve your not connecting with people only by doing things for them.,
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Post by Handy on May 31, 2019 14:09:09 GMT -5
Northstarmom, all good advice and sort of what I have experienced. I completed a personality match quiz 15 years ago. I don't know how accurate the personality profile match was but it suggested only a 5% very good match and maybe something like up to a 20% partial match with women my age so my expectations are sort of low finding that "very good" match. I am finding one person is good to go out with for pizza, one is good to go for a walk and another person matches with my conversation interests. Well those were not actual activities just metaphorical examples.
I also have been practicing being myself a bit more instead of trying to fit in to what I think the other person wants or what I think is what the group standard is. I could see that if I tried to match the other persons preferences it was going to feel like too much work after a while. I am not trying to make others fit my standards or lifestyle, it is just me not bending myself to fit into their idea of what they think is near perfection.
I had an idea there was a certain "type of person" I would be happier with but that idea went out the window because it takes time for most of the compatibility issues to mesh and work out. I am also finding out some of the ideas I thought were the correct way to do something, on further examination, have found other people's ways work just as well once I master their style OR find a way that works for me.
I cut back on doing some things for people and that is actually mental work for me. It doesn't feel right not doing some things that are easy for me and difficult for the other person, but I am keeping myself from being the "handyman of the minuet" just so I know someone is interested in ME" and not what I can do for them. I think it is also helping me see the other person a little more for their inner self. Doing things for people is easier for me than figuring out or understanding some people.
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