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Post by Handy on Jun 22, 2019 12:36:25 GMT -5
I've found that the most common Love Busters in marriage fall into six categories: Selfish Demands, Disrespectful Judgments, Angry Outbursts, Dishonesty, Independent Behavior and Annoying Habits.
People in general many people react up to 5 times more on the detrimental side to some negative trait than to a positive trait they encounter.
If a "brownie point" (love or respect units) is worth one unit and you give a person or do something another person likes and appreciates, that is one brownie point to your credit. If you did the same thing to or for person #2 and they didn't like it, you would lose 5 brownie points in their mind.
The point of eliminating negative love units is because they drain the balance of love or respect some other person had or feels about you.
Many of the sexless marriage dynamics are related to an accumulation of negative brownie points or love units. In many cases it is more productive to eliminate the negative "negative brownie points" (negative love units) than trying to create positive brownie points (positive love units).
So my question or goal is to list activities your spouse did or does that you consider "negative love units." The goal is to list the things that others do but you or I could eliminate without changing who each one of us are deep inside.
I am going to ask that we not list the end results of their negative brownie points, such as with holding sex or things like kissing. We are too familiar with the results. I am more interested in their behaviors or verbal behaviors that decrease out attraction to our partners.
mine I am a saver and dislike buying new things.
I am not neat and have several repair projects going at the same time.
Read the following article to get a better idea of "love busters" or "negative brownie points."
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jun 24, 2019 21:17:59 GMT -5
Sorry, I know you don't want to go down a rabbit hole here, but.... over time do brownie points become expected, such as I always unload the dishwasher?
Hers:
He didn't unload the dishwasher.
He didn't wipes the counters
Mine:
No body unloads the dishwasher but me and I am at work all day.
I am the only one that wipes off the counter and I don't even make the mess.
Once I was the hardworking H that helped in the kitchen. Now I am the guy tired of making brownie points that grow mold.
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Post by Handy on Jun 24, 2019 22:51:59 GMT -5
The idea of fixing "Love Busters" is no amount of brownie points will cancel out "love busting points. Okie, I know being the main person that does certain jobs around the home, that other people could do but they avoid doing them, gets old and can wear on a person. Depending on how far you have a foot out of the relationship, brownie points (love and caring point) could be worthwhile or just lead to more resentments. If they lead to your resenting the spouse, then I say cut back to a standard that satisfies you. That is what I am doing to a degree. I also do thing to avoid some conflicts. I like your term, "brownie points that grow mold." |
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Post by Handy on Jul 13, 2019 20:22:38 GMT -5
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 16, 2019 11:34:50 GMT -5
Both my ex and my post SM guy are clutzes. They trip over stuff, break stuff and lose stuff.
The difference is that my post SM guy takes responsibility for that, apologises, makes right and does not blame me or gravity or the weather or whatever. Sometimes it's not just what you do, but how you treat what you do.
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Post by Handy on Oct 23, 2020 12:47:05 GMT -5
A friend recommended the following support site. Find a topic from the list that pertains to your issue. themighty.com/all/ |
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Post by jerri on Oct 25, 2020 21:11:52 GMT -5
Mine are
each time get caught having sex I don't lose 5 brownie points I lose 50. I am supposed to keep my sex discreet. I have been sneaking out the master bedroom door while he's watching TV and I show up later. He seldomly catches me. But understand, we deserve intimacy/attention/sexual fun🙌
-house cleaning/putting up where it belongs
-small spats
-not giving him attention at time to too much attention. Especially when he is sick. He gets annoyed
-showing him how to will annoy him. I am very open to time saving instruction. You know, the family is full of it rule. Everyone outside family is a genius.
-planning annoys him
-not being able to go NOW on the spot
-honey do's are 50/50 no go, so I turn on swamp coolers and furnaces each year, fix small electrical, toilets, small leaks... anything with locked bolts that can't be sawed off I need help. Tenants- We do most of the work ourself. I change my flat tires and men try to help but I just have them watch in case I can't get a lug nut off. (Because, I need to do it on my own so I don't feel scared on the road)
- I am guilty of many things this list could go on and on because I have been married so long
- scoring brownie points will be a different list
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Post by Handy on Oct 25, 2020 21:29:48 GMT -5
Jerri, with some spouses there are very few brownie points to be mad and you have to ask yourself, is it worth trying? I used to try for "brownie points" but I quit trying. It wasn't worth the effort. When I tried to earn or make brownie points I might do 5 things for my W thinking I was doing well only to find out 3 of the 5 things wound up being negative points and the 2 good things didn't make uo for the 3 things she didn't like. The net effect was I was in the red and who likes being in the red on any balance sheet?
If you have to sneak out maybe you need to start a consulting business and offer in-home consults. That way you can have a legatimate consulting business and manage some private time away from home. I was fixing office equipment and "could have had some personal time that looked like a business activity." I never did it, but I could have.
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Post by jerri on Oct 25, 2020 21:37:49 GMT -5
NO way!
Just bring her a drink/tea when you get yours?. My husband loves this! I score big when I fetch anything for him! It's a very small act of kindness. T ETA Took me a while at first I was doing way more loving things for him. My ultimate prize for about 8 years of this was a small sports car that they only made 860 of. Wow, just wow! I'm so sad for you!  |
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Post by Handy on Oct 25, 2020 21:44:35 GMT -5
Jerri
Just bring her a drink/tea when you get yours.
My w would say she didn't want a drink or much of anything. She would say the timing is off, so I quit or say here it is if you want it. Maybe or maybe not, In an hour she might want what I suggested. It is too much work for the hit and miss results.
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Post by jerri on Oct 25, 2020 21:50:26 GMT -5
That's true, sometimes he doesn't want it but he is really sweet.
What about asking her if she wants anything from the kitchen?
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Post by Handy on Oct 25, 2020 21:54:55 GMT -5
I can ask but what I deliver often won't be what she thinks it should have been so I only ask if I know the outcome. the outcome can be good or poor. If it is poor I already knew she didn't like something so there is no surprise on my part.
Picky eaters and me just do not get along very well. I try to not go there.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 26, 2020 5:55:57 GMT -5
Jerri, with some spouses there are very few brownie points to be mad and you have to ask yourself, is it worth trying? I used to try for "brownie points" but I quit trying. It wasn't worth the effort. When I tried to earn or make brownie points I might do 5 things for my W thinking I was doing well only to find out 3 of the 5 things wound up being negative points and the 2 good things didn't make uo for the 3 things she didn't like. The net effect was I was in the red and who likes being in the red on any balance sheet?
If you have to sneak out maybe you need to start a consulting business and offer in-home consults. That way you can have a legatimate consulting business and manage some private time away from home. I was fixing office equipment and "could have had some personal time that looked like a business activity." I never did it, but I could have.
I think this guy may have a plausible method to stay "in the black". |
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Post by Handy on Oct 26, 2020 8:14:51 GMT -5
I looked at Mark Gungor videos several times in the past. He has some good points, especially in this video.
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Post by csl on Oct 26, 2020 8:35:47 GMT -5
Oh, I see that the prolific,bombastic Gungor is making an appearance on ILIASM! I like him because next to him, I seem reasonable.  |
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