Post by mrslowmaintenance on Jul 8, 2019 16:53:53 GMT -5
Hey all,
I know a lot of you will not know who I am, but there are still a few around here that will recognize my face.
I know it has been nearly a year since I was really around here so I wanted to give an update to what is going on, as well as answer any questions about the changes.
Overall things have had a major change.
There was some snooping done on his part and he found this forum. He found my login and read EVERYTHING... all my PM's, all my comments, members replies to threads that I was PMing, etc. It was bad. So, so very bad. There was a lot of damage done. I was honest, I was caught. I answered most of his questions, and he wanted a separation. I understood, I told him I wanted out too. He had read so much that i hadn't ever expected him to see. So many raw emotions and feelings that I had never expected him to hear, that I would have never said out loud to him.
Over the next week we talked about separation but would cry a lot so we had to keep it contained for the little ones sake. Every time we talked about it we ended up cuddling or hugging for long periods of time to comfort each other. As the week went on he was honest with me and said he didn't want it to end. He didn't want to loose me. That felt so good and so bad to hear, I had wanted him to want me this strongly for so long, but now it was after I had signed out. It was not an easy thing to hear, but I knew the damage to my daughter would be enormous and I had already been with this man for so long, it was worth some time.
We found a counselor to go to together, talking bluntly, which was so crazy hard and I resisted more than I'd like to admit. I began seeing a psychologist individually and after a few weeks he started seeing a counselor individually as well. Confronting feelings and having to actually talk deeply about the horrible things that I felt, and that have happened to me, was expensive and emotionally exhausting. There were some weeks where him or I would emotionally check out. We kept going, every week, talking, sharing, letting our counselor push us and navigate us. I was not ready to say "I love you" again for a very long time. He tried to be patient, his counselor helped him with that too, I was not ready to say it, I had been hurt too much for too long.
After about six months things were going so much better. Where I had once been singularly responsible for the house upkeep, child care, my own full time school work, and keeping him fed/clothed/happy/busy, I was now seeing more balance. We talked more about what we wanted a relationship to be and how the balance was disproportionate before and truly unsustainable if my happiness was considered. He has been doing the dishes (my worst enemy) about 80% of the time for the last six-eight months now, on top of washing the laundry and helping me with getting my little one ready. Since stepping so much farther into a fatherly role with her, I have been able to take classes to get further ahead in my degree while feeling less of a motherly burden (because as my mother says, I am choosing school over being a good mom *eye roll*). The last two quarters he had to get her ready for school and on the bus every day of the week and even pick her up on the days that I was in the lab late. I feel so much more empowered in my education.
I am now working towards my bachelors, I am going to school at two campuses to be able to get the classes I need with the best schedule possible and am going to be starting my MCAT prep here soon (too soon if you ask me). I have been able to make some friends on campus and actually foster some of those connections a little. He is still very hesitant when I want to go hang out with people, but I can understand that as well. After his affair it was many months before I felt comfortable.
I did EMDR therapy with my psychologist and I think it has helped my day to day life a lot. I still go through waves of depression but they are more gentle and less deep now. Our counselor is on maternity leave but we plan to check in with her again after she returns, I cannot say how much seeing her has helped our communication. It gave us a safe place to talk, where both of us are entering that room ready for these serious conversations that otherwise don't feel natural to bring up.
Sex life is pretty good, much more mature than before. It still needs some work, but the change is there and the communication is much better about it. Frequency is way higher as well. Not honeymoon every day sex, but 1-5 times every two weeks is the average. The hold up on that is mostly on me tbh.
Anyway, this got very long very fast. I am open to any questions and will be checking in on here for a little while over the next week I am guessing.
I hope you all are well, I will read a little to try and catch up!
TLDR;
Husband has been super supportive
He stepped WAAAAY up
working on bachelors now, so school is still happening
Sex is pretty good
Counselors are pretty great
I know a lot of you will not know who I am, but there are still a few around here that will recognize my face.
I know it has been nearly a year since I was really around here so I wanted to give an update to what is going on, as well as answer any questions about the changes.
Overall things have had a major change.
There was some snooping done on his part and he found this forum. He found my login and read EVERYTHING... all my PM's, all my comments, members replies to threads that I was PMing, etc. It was bad. So, so very bad. There was a lot of damage done. I was honest, I was caught. I answered most of his questions, and he wanted a separation. I understood, I told him I wanted out too. He had read so much that i hadn't ever expected him to see. So many raw emotions and feelings that I had never expected him to hear, that I would have never said out loud to him.
Over the next week we talked about separation but would cry a lot so we had to keep it contained for the little ones sake. Every time we talked about it we ended up cuddling or hugging for long periods of time to comfort each other. As the week went on he was honest with me and said he didn't want it to end. He didn't want to loose me. That felt so good and so bad to hear, I had wanted him to want me this strongly for so long, but now it was after I had signed out. It was not an easy thing to hear, but I knew the damage to my daughter would be enormous and I had already been with this man for so long, it was worth some time.
We found a counselor to go to together, talking bluntly, which was so crazy hard and I resisted more than I'd like to admit. I began seeing a psychologist individually and after a few weeks he started seeing a counselor individually as well. Confronting feelings and having to actually talk deeply about the horrible things that I felt, and that have happened to me, was expensive and emotionally exhausting. There were some weeks where him or I would emotionally check out. We kept going, every week, talking, sharing, letting our counselor push us and navigate us. I was not ready to say "I love you" again for a very long time. He tried to be patient, his counselor helped him with that too, I was not ready to say it, I had been hurt too much for too long.
After about six months things were going so much better. Where I had once been singularly responsible for the house upkeep, child care, my own full time school work, and keeping him fed/clothed/happy/busy, I was now seeing more balance. We talked more about what we wanted a relationship to be and how the balance was disproportionate before and truly unsustainable if my happiness was considered. He has been doing the dishes (my worst enemy) about 80% of the time for the last six-eight months now, on top of washing the laundry and helping me with getting my little one ready. Since stepping so much farther into a fatherly role with her, I have been able to take classes to get further ahead in my degree while feeling less of a motherly burden (because as my mother says, I am choosing school over being a good mom *eye roll*). The last two quarters he had to get her ready for school and on the bus every day of the week and even pick her up on the days that I was in the lab late. I feel so much more empowered in my education.
I am now working towards my bachelors, I am going to school at two campuses to be able to get the classes I need with the best schedule possible and am going to be starting my MCAT prep here soon (too soon if you ask me). I have been able to make some friends on campus and actually foster some of those connections a little. He is still very hesitant when I want to go hang out with people, but I can understand that as well. After his affair it was many months before I felt comfortable.
I did EMDR therapy with my psychologist and I think it has helped my day to day life a lot. I still go through waves of depression but they are more gentle and less deep now. Our counselor is on maternity leave but we plan to check in with her again after she returns, I cannot say how much seeing her has helped our communication. It gave us a safe place to talk, where both of us are entering that room ready for these serious conversations that otherwise don't feel natural to bring up.
Sex life is pretty good, much more mature than before. It still needs some work, but the change is there and the communication is much better about it. Frequency is way higher as well. Not honeymoon every day sex, but 1-5 times every two weeks is the average. The hold up on that is mostly on me tbh.
Anyway, this got very long very fast. I am open to any questions and will be checking in on here for a little while over the next week I am guessing.
I hope you all are well, I will read a little to try and catch up!
TLDR;
Husband has been super supportive
He stepped WAAAAY up
working on bachelors now, so school is still happening
Sex is pretty good
Counselors are pretty great