Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2019 13:51:16 GMT -5
Given the new direction, do you regret him finding your posts or was it the best thing? How far beyond content of "the talk" did your posts go? Just wondered, I think my W thinks this is a non-issue but obviously I'm still here weekly looking for solace. It's been a long time since we had any "talk" and now while we're living in a trailer while building a house isn't really the time but I'd sure like to get through this in a way that is meaningful and not just me giving up. Given how much it has changed things, I am glad he found them. I had discussed many things on the forum, and in my private messages. Long story short, we had a talk every year, around our anniversary time about how I wasn't feeling loved and sexually satisfied, about how I was unhappy and wanted more. Things would either be worse and go back to the standard or get better for a month or two and go back to normal. We had seen a counselor at year 5 after his affair. A different counselor at year nine where I was made to feel a fool for wanting what I did. I begged for oral (as I had never experienced it before in my life and did not want to get to thirty without ever having it) and I waited nine months. I waited one month for every year of marriage after confessing this need, and reminding him of it. I then began an affair that was supposed to be just me getting that first time. I disclosed many details of this affair in those private messages, and my feelings about him, in detail. They were not clean messages, nor were they kind to him. However, he has seen my darkest thoughts on him, and read the worst thing I have done to our marriage... and even after that, still wants me. Wants me more. He sees how in the beginning of my time here, I defended him and wanted/loved him a lot. He saw how that love eroded with time and with more rejection and how my phrases about him changed. I do not wish that on anyone to be frank, to hear someones private opinions of you when you have not been at your best. But, he saw it, and decided that he was better, that I was better and that it was worth it. The talks always went one way or the other every year, but it would always fall back to him distancing, over using porn, not helping me, and returning to a dead bedroom. This was a big one. Not good at first. Awful actually, but it has opened a new level of honesty that I am not sure I would have achieved otherwise. (also, we both have had terrible examples of what a relationship should be, so finding a counselor that actually connected that was really a big help) Sorry for being long winded Thank you for sharing your experience so openly and honestly. Best of luck on continued progress.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 12, 2019 8:03:39 GMT -5
I’m so happy for you and your family. Any relationship is never perfect but it says a lot that after reading everything you wrote he stepped up and wanted to change to get you back. That’s love! Also good for you getting your education and don’t let your mother guilt you on the mom thing. As Mother’s we have to learn to do for ourselves first kind of like putting on the oxygen mask. I had both my kids in daycare at 4 months old and continued to work and I do not regret that I put those years into my career because it will enable me to retire with more money. Kids grow up fast too and then you don’t see them when they get older as much. You gotta make a life for yourself!! Bravo to you on that!! Best wishes for your future!!
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 13, 2019 16:59:47 GMT -5
I, for one am happy to hear from you! Your sense of humor is sorely missed here abouts! I sincerely hope that your relationship continues to strengthen and it is good to know some spouses can be made to see the light. So tell me, have you gotten him to do that thing you like? You know, the one that might make you squeeze his head a little too hard? Asking for wewbwb - you know how curious he is...
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Post by 2019change on Jul 14, 2019 9:55:12 GMT -5
A wonderful clear example that actions always speaks louder than words. Predominantly, most people here have been promised changes by our spouse when we bring the issues up, and sometimes they change for a while and then we get even more disappointed when it reverts back.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 15, 2019 16:06:26 GMT -5
mrslowmaintenance I guess I came in after you went on hiatus but happy to see someone's spouse actually cared enough to try. Maybe you will be one of the very few examples of fixed sexless marriage. My fingers are crossed for you!
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Post by stillhopeful on Jul 29, 2019 3:39:52 GMT -5
Sounds to me like him reading your posts is what turned the tables around, and in a good way here. I sometimes think that H doesn't fully understand how devastating I think my marriage is. It would definitely hurt him to find out my true raw feelings about him. But I guess sometimes a person needs a serious slap in the face to wake up and check reality. I think that most spouses just dont believe its "that bad" and that we wouldn't take it to this extent. That's also probably why talks dont seem to work.
Its great to see counselling can help, it means to me that with the right motivation (on both sides) there is room for improvement.
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timedelay
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Posts: 153
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Jul 29, 2019 6:36:44 GMT -5
That's also probably why talks dont seem to work. It depends on the level of honesty of the talk. It's pointless talking to someone who will not or cannot dig deep into themselves and speak the truth. Communication is incredibly fraught when there is so much at stake. It's terrifying. A good therapist can help, from what I've read. I don't have experience of that but I have learned in my own experience that talking will not change a thing until both people are ready for truth.
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Post by stillhopeful on Jul 29, 2019 6:55:16 GMT -5
timedelay yeh. I agree. Usually this is a sensitive subject. Its not easy for H to open up about this, let alone accept the fact that there is a problem.
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Post by csl on Jul 29, 2019 13:31:50 GMT -5
Sounds to me like him reading your posts is what turned the tables around, and in a good way here. I sometimes think that H doesn't fully understand how devastating I think my marriage is. It would definitely hurt him to find out my true raw feelings about him. But I guess sometimes a person needs a serious slap in the face to wake up and check reality. I think that most spouses just dont believe its "that bad" and that we wouldn't take it to this extent. That's also probably why talks dont seem to work. This post reminded me of a post by a fellow blogger-friend, The Forgiven Wife. She used to be a refuser, but is now a pro-sex, pro-marriage writer. In A Moment of Hard Truth, she writes about getting hit between the eyes with the pain that she had been causing her husband. She writes from a Christian perspective, but in this post, she tells what being smacked with the truth does.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2019 16:17:07 GMT -5
Sounds to me like him reading your posts is what turned the tables around, and in a good way here. I sometimes think that H doesn't fully understand how devastating I think my marriage is. It would definitely hurt him to find out my true raw feelings about him. But I guess sometimes a person needs a serious slap in the face to wake up and check reality. I think that most spouses just dont believe its "that bad" and that we wouldn't take it to this extent. That's also probably why talks dont seem to work. This post reminded me of a post by a fellow blogger-friend, The Forgiven Wife. She used to be a refuser, but is now a pro-sex, pro-marriage writer. In A Moment of Hard Truth, she writes about getting hit between the eyes with the pain that she had been causing her husband. She writes from a Christian perspective, but in this post, she tells what being smacked with the truth does. I have read that blog and she still seems reluctant and unhappy to me. One of her more recent entries includes how she has to "mentally prepare all week" to have sex with her spouse. That's not a turnaround, that's heartbreaking for both of them.
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Post by csl on Jul 30, 2019 20:27:36 GMT -5
This post reminded me of a post by a fellow blogger-friend, The Forgiven Wife. She used to be a refuser, but is now a pro-sex, pro-marriage writer. In A Moment of Hard Truth, she writes about getting hit between the eyes with the pain that she had been causing her husband. She writes from a Christian perspective, but in this post, she tells what being smacked with the truth does. I have read that blog and she still seems reluctant and unhappy to me. One of her more recent entries includes how she has to "mentally prepare all week" to have sex with her spouse. That's not a turnaround, that's heartbreaking for both of them. Oy, talk about a failure of reading comprehension! From that post and the line that you referenced: Do you notice the words MEANT and WEREN'T? As in past tense? As in, not "has to", but "had to"? In the post that you cite, she begins the post by telling how she used to react, IN THE DAYS WHEN SHE WAS A REFUSER! If you go back and really read the whole article, you will see that she is trying to give advice to Christian wives on how to change and stop being a refuser. Okay, now that I've gotten that out of my system, might I suggest you take a deeper look at who Forgiven Wife and and what her blog is about? I realize that ILIASM is more of a hospice than a hospital, but still.... I don't understand how you would think that a woman who has eleven (count 'em, ELEVEN) posts on oral sex is "reluctant and unhappy."
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Post by h on Jul 30, 2019 21:33:55 GMT -5
Welcome back mrslowmaintenance and it is great to hear that things are going well for you. Thank you for coming back to update us on the good news.🙂
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