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Post by greatcoastal on May 25, 2020 14:00:46 GMT -5
intimacyinmarriage.com/2020/03/19/fabulous-sex-after-50-lets-go-with-a-hard-yes-on-that/I liked the simple approach to this article, and some of the theories and questions about how and why sex gets better as you age. I thought about the several people ,here on ILIASM who have taken the approach of " when the kids graduate or leave the house". Those people who might have doubt, fear and concern about 'starting over, and getting up in age'. I too would vote a HARD yes on that! And would also add to that -"after decades of a SM! It is possible!- With a different, understanding partner!"
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Post by northstarmom on May 25, 2020 14:21:06 GMT -5
As I have posted before, I was 61 when I divorced after being married for 34 years and not having any other partner during my marriage except my refuser. When I finall had sex again, it was with a man about a half year younger than me. It had been 8 years since I had had sex. It was my best sex ever! I swear, I multiple orgasmed for 15 straight minutes. We're still together, and happily boinking 7 years later.
Age is just a number. I knew a woman who was 81 who was having regular sex with her 79 year old boyfriend. One of my best friends is 72 and has regular sex with her 22-years younger boyfriend, whom she has been with for 18 years.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 25, 2020 14:28:46 GMT -5
As I have posted before, I was 61 when I divorced after being married for 34 years and not having any other partner during my marriage except my refuser. When I finall had sex again, it was with a man about a half year younger than me. It had been 8 years since I had had sex. It was my best sex ever! I swear, I multiple orgasmed for 15 straight minutes. We're still together, and happily boinking 7 years later. Age is just a number. I knew a woman who was 81 who was having regular sex with her 79 year old boyfriend. One of my best friends is 72 and has regular sex with her 22-years younger boyfriend, whom she has been with for 18 years. Well....what do you think about some of the, explanations in the article? such as practice, experience, taking more risks, communicating better? ( i'm guessing you can relate and agree with mch of it?) One part that I liked about starting over again in opposite land, was learning to be straightforward from the beginning about my needs and expectations. Including my age and what I have to offer and want to receive for the next few decades! |
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Post by northstarmom on May 25, 2020 14:40:23 GMT -5
Communicating better, definitely is true. Also true is believing that I deserve fulfilling sex with a partner who enjoys sex with me. If my first post SM partner hadn't been a good lover, I would have moved on.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 25, 2020 16:00:13 GMT -5
Communicating better, definitely is true. Also true is believing that I deserve fulfilling sex with a partner who enjoys sex with me. If my first post SM partner hadn't been a good lover, I would have moved on. I liked the part about being at peace, with yourself. Something a SM takes away from you. Also the practice, practice part. That too needs communication! I reflect back on the huge downer my now ex put on sex with her " I don't like that, that hurts,I don't want to" excuses and avoidances. Practicing aint' gonna happen when you have a partner with that kind of attitude!! I am still 'learning/practicing' so many new ways of using my hand, fist, fingers, toys, knee, bondage,etc...with my partner !Things that didn't happen in my 20's with my limited experiences,and SM  Also the peace we seem to have of instantly going straight into sex and intimacy without needing a "big warm up". Different strokes for different folks! (pun intended) Things I felt very awkward and fearful about going into my divorce and my new beginning, have ended up being "mild concerns". |
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fish
Junior Member
Posts: 29 
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by fish on Jun 7, 2020 12:16:06 GMT -5
Lovely to hear this.
One fear I have is that being 51 it's too late to have a good sex life after divorce, especially after so many years of being denied and basically getting 'out of practice'.
Just being a bit explicit for a moment: I used to get an instant erection with my wife when things were good, she is probably the only woman I have ever not had at least one moment of not being able to perform. When she started refusing I lay in bed with an erection for hours just hoping that she might suddenly change her mind. That is until 2-3 years ago and suddenly I started finding that I just couldn't get an erection with her, at all most of the time, even though the number of times in the year we tried you could count on the fingers of one hand. I then started to lose interest in her and I haven't even mentioned sex for over a year now, and surprise surprise neither has she.
What I was wondering is whether this happened to anyone else and their erections came back with a new partner? I have a feeling that I have lost all attraction to my wife and it would come back with someone else. I am VERY fit and healthy otherwise.
Again though... it's a psychological worry for me if I do get into a new relationship.
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Post by Handy on Jun 7, 2020 12:48:56 GMT -5
Fish, I often read a new lover brings back erections and desire. Women that thought they were "frigid" found out that with a new guy that treats them with lots of consideration, now get wet and desire sex after their divorce from a sexless marriage. Many men report similar feelings. If you divorced, don't be surprised if your XW is highly sexual with a new guy, for at least a while. Some guys say they have ED with the W but have good sex with an affair partner.
Read about the Coolidge effect:
… an old joke about Calvin Coolidge when he was President … The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm. When [Mrs. Coolidge] came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day." Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by." Upon being told, the President asked, "Same hen every time?" The reply was, "Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time." President: "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
.....Coolidge effect may also be present in female rats.
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fish
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by fish on Jun 7, 2020 13:45:08 GMT -5
Thanks Handy, good to know! There is hope! |
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Post by Handy on Jun 7, 2020 14:09:27 GMT -5
Fish, I am older than you and it takes a while to become hard. This is partly because I know my W isn't into sex. If I imagine someone I know might need and want taking care of sexually, my erections do not take that long.
Knowing and feeling someone you know and respect wants and likes sex with you (in my imagination any way) is a real ego booster and a sexual turn on that primes the pump. Erections are mostly about blood filling certain body parts and this is affected by your body and your MIND.
If i feel I am not wanted or a pest, the blood flow just isn't there and sex seems to be not worth the effort, so not much stands at attention.
Get me with a woman that I respect that wants me sexually and is in a SM herself, I think it wouldn't take much to become erect.
Sexual activity is more than doing the deed. It also depends on a lot of emotional stuff.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 7, 2020 16:10:44 GMT -5
fish I started having problems getting physiologically ready for sex with my husband when I was around your age. I thought I was broken. He basically affirmed my feeling in that regard, and all sex stopped. We're still married. I've tried to restart things with artificlube, to no avail. But then I met another person and realized over a period of time th t it wasn't me who was broken. My vagina still works. It's my relationship with my H that's broken. The emotion is gone. I think when we get older, things sometimes stop working sexually when we don't have the right feelings about our partners. In retrospect, I now know that I had stopped feeling the right way with him a long time sooner, if I ever did. I just couldn't admit that to myself consciously. But the subconscious-which apparently now rules my sexuality-doesn't lie.
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fish
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by fish on Jun 8, 2020 1:03:00 GMT -5
Handy and @saarirista yes, emotion has a lot to do with sex. Trying to have sex with someone you actively have negative feelings for is a non-starter. For me it was like a switch got turned off, when think I subconsciously realised that there was actually no hope and it was a waste of my energy.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 8, 2020 6:06:23 GMT -5
When she started refusing I lay in bed with an erection for hours just hoping that she might suddenly change her mind. That is until 2-3 years ago and suddenly I started finding that I just couldn't get an erection with her, at all most of the time, even though the number of times in the year we tried you could count on the fingers of one hand. I was in that soup for 4+ years. Never had your problem. I'm curious if my new partners kept me "activated" and by new partners I mean new porn. Did you get new stimulation, or that stayed the same? This is surely not a "solution", mind you. Fresh porn is a band-aid on an arterial bleed. I'm just curious if that explains our differences. Alternately, maybe you adopted unhealthy habits and your body is losing some levels of function? Dating new women may encourage fellas to drop the bad habits and perhaps even work on themselves and incidentally improve certain capabilities. Tempering possible coping mechanism excesses might serve you well now regardless of what solution to your SM you come up with. Lack of erection can be a symptom of systemic problems and not just mental ones. |
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fish
Junior Member
Posts: 29
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by fish on Jun 8, 2020 15:02:47 GMT -5
mirrororchid I've just run a sub 22 minute 5k, before lockdown managed a decent 1hr45 half marathon, cholesterol excellent, don't smoke, BMI 21, vegetarian, etc. The only other factor could be testosterone level but my libido is certainly high so don't think that's it. I do watch the odd bit of porn, got to get some sort of excitement in my life, and like you no problem there. Porn isn't a substitute for the real thing. I think it really is something to do with my relationship with my wife, and the stress of living with her!
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Post by saarinista on Jun 8, 2020 15:19:56 GMT -5
mirrororchid I've just run a sub 22 minute 5k, before lockdown managed a decent 1hr45 half marathon, cholesterol excellent, don't smoke, BMI 21, vegetarian, etc. The only other factor could be testosterone level but my libido is certainly high so don't think that's it. I do watch the odd bit of porn, got to get some sort of excitement in my life, and like you no problem there. Porn isn't a substitute for the real thing. I think it really is something to do with my relationship with my wife, and the stress of living with her! Maybe your problem is you're in better shape than her and it's making her feel insecure! You're definitely in better shape than me. But that's not a negative for you. That's on her. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 8, 2020 17:54:55 GMT -5
I think it really is something to do with my relationship with my wife, and the stress of living with her! Wanted to throw this in the conversation regarding stress being a strong factor in ED. I had tried a few doses of Viagra, and wanted my own Rx. I answered several questions on line . Several where about stress. My concern was the strength,the amount of MG for my first time. The information sent to me from the doctor spoke in great length about the importance of reducing stress. The more stress is reduced ,the less and less need for a higher dose, and possibly not need Viagra at all. I'm now 56 yrs old. Divorced for 2+ years. Been with my woman for 1 1/2 yrs. The times of not needing Viagra are increasing, as the trust increases with the new relationship, and the stress of the old Marriage heals with time. |
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