The Four Love Languages in a Sexless Marriage - PODCAST
Nov 4, 2020 20:13:12 GMT -5
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 4, 2020 20:13:12 GMT -5
NOTE: I intend to use content from this thread on the
Blame jerri for this.
She said "Your post should have it's own thread with a love languages article/video.", so here it is. (open to suggestions for a vid). I hope our responses will be the article.
What are/were your refuser's love languages. We assume "Touch" wasn't a big one.
A podcast I've listened to observes our strongest love language tends to be the one we feel we don't have. If that love language gets addressed, another may rise to fill the place.
I don't know if it's true, but it may be that "Touch" is a vital love language to refused spouses where another might prevail should we switch partners as some escaped members have done.
Here's the thread content that inspired this one.
I hope you'll add your own anecdotes about which love languages your refuser wanted. Did he/she/ze want all five? Or just the four?
jerri
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Oct 27, 2020 at 2:50pm Post by jerri on Oct 27, 2020 at 2:50pm
I have been wanting a take out picnic on the mountain overlooking all of the city lights. My husband doesn't think of creative things to do so a therapist told me to go out of my way to plan things like mother's day outings and I will have fun in the process he will participate and we both score points.
My H gets in a hot tub that is red skin hot, I tell him not to turn on the heat and I get in afterwards, but solitarysoul taught me to sit there while he is in the tub and talk to him.
mirrororchid , and others what do you do to score points that they like?
Thanks for the video, I can always use love language pro-tips💞💙
Last Edit: Oct 27, 2020 at 2:53pm by jerri
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Oct 27, 2020 at 4:27pm Post by Handy on Oct 27, 2020 at 4:27pm
A mountain outing sounds like a good thing. I like things like that. I do solo bike rides to a local river bottom park, except when it floods. There are lots of trees and some are so close / dense they form tunnels.
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Oct 28, 2020 at 5:59am Post by mirrororchid on Oct 28, 2020 at 5:59am
Oct 27, 2020 at 2:50pm jerri said:
mirrororchid , and others what do you do to score points that they like?
Thanks for the video, I can always use love language pro-tips💞💙
Buy gifts.
Gifts are definitely a love language of hers. I started bringing her flowers after lovemaking (i have not told her that's what triggers flowers and she hasn't indicated she's guessed.) She beams when she sees them. Her joy makes me happy, but it is not my love language, I guess. I find it odd that a temporary gesture like that can have such an impact.
I suppose gifts can be a love language for me if it's something precisely targeted. When it's something I didn't know I needed or did want but couldn't justify buying for myself. It's the thought that counts. Nothing expensive. Expensive gifts make me think of extra work I'll have to do to pay for it. A pricey gift from my wife is a net negative.
My wife sends me links to stuff she likes and I buy it and hide it for the next holiday. Thus, my taste is exquisite, but my thoughts count for nothing. She hides disappointment poorly and wasting money on unwanted gifts is ill-advised. We ain't that comfortable.
But $40 Christmas ornaments? I shake my head and know I'm buying love, not things. I live with an alien.
I bring her mocha coffee in the morning. I tweaked it until I can make it quickly and highly specialized to her taste. That seems to score a point most days.
All my many many gifts of service make her feel guilty because she does so little (clinical depression). Acts of service earn me negative points, I think.
Language of Touch? I think when her body likes what I do, she gets guilt for wanting no more than that. (sex guilt)
Language of words? She doesn't believe compliments. She substitutes her self-loathing. Don't know if she likes them despite that. She shows little reaction. Words of praise may be net negative too.
Quality time... hm. I dig that. Just walking through a farmer's market was uplifting. Then again we held hands. Was it the double whammy of time and touch?
Her reaction to quality time is subdued, but she expressed pleasure that we cooked dinner last night as a team.
Cooking is one of the biggest time sucks mankind ever invented. Our cooking session happened because she doesn't cook anymore and all the raw meat in the freezer was taking space better used for high fat, high sodium, preservative laced processed food I'm willing to throw in the oven. (Better to die early, than spend extra years in the kitchen.) I did it to get rid of freezer squatters. There's three more in there. I'll keep my eyes open for any bonding over food bullshit I should tolerate and eventually enjoy. Again....alien to me.
Last Edit: Oct 28, 2020 at 6:39am by mirrororchid
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Oct 28, 2020 at 4:33pm Post by jerri on Oct 28, 2020 at 4:33pm
mirrororchid what a great detailed post, I can relate to it! Act of service that doesn't take much time is making him frozen frappuccino, hot mocha, fresh lemonade, and smoothies! I am going out of my way a little bit, but he is excited to get a drink if I put a little more time in it. I score more brownie points 😉Your post should have it's own thread with a love languages article/video.
Last Edit: Oct 28, 2020 at 4:38pm by jerri
