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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 23, 2023 17:35:33 GMT -5
For me "The Talk" was ongoing because I had no intention of leaving and being the bad guy. If anyone was leaving it would be him. He could be the bad guy. I was after healing from the decades of being sexless. That's great advice and I concur about "not being the bad guy".....however, if you're dealing with a manipulative controller, narcissist, histrionic, cluster B, etc.. It's not going to matter. Especially if there's children involved, the odds ,% of kids who end up seperated ( parental alienation) from dad is somewhere at 80% to 90% in USA and U.K. by the family court system. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 17, 2023 7:05:59 GMT -5
A thorough recounting of an ILIASM member's "Talk", using a conciliatory, firm approach that might be useful to some: iliasm.org/post/148069/thread |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 14, 2024 20:07:40 GMT -5
ILIASM member Catsloveme did not have a talk with her refuser husband, but accidentally, exquisitely expressed her unhappiness in a manner her husband received well. iliasm.org/thread/6653/heard-me?page=1&scrollTo=150090Recommended reading as you decide on what to include in your Talk. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 15, 2024 5:32:52 GMT -5
ILIASM member Catsloveme did not have a talk with her refuser husband, but accidentally, exquisitely expressed her unhappiness in a manner her husband received well. iliasm.org/thread/6653/heard-me?page=1&scrollTo=150090Recommended reading as you decide on what to include in your Talk. I'm going to take this approach in my next therapy session with my wife. Something along the lines of she chose to be celibate but I did not. I miss the physical contact and can't imagine spending the rest of my life without it. |
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catsloveme
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Dwelling in the possible
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Post by catsloveme on Mar 15, 2024 10:45:44 GMT -5
ILIASM member Catsloveme did not have a talk with her refuser husband, but accidentally, exquisitely expressed her unhappiness in a manner her husband received well. iliasm.org/thread/6653/heard-me?page=1&scrollTo=150090Recommended reading as you decide on what to include in your Talk. I'm going to take this approach in my next therapy session with my wife. Something along the lines of she chose to be celibate but I did not. I miss the physical contact and can't imagine spending the rest of my life without it. I think the thing that I accidentally discovered that worked was leaving HIM and OUR situation out of my statement. No pointing out that "I'm celibate because of your inaction". No statement about what I'm missing or how miserable I am. Just "I no longer want to be celibate." It was a clear statement of how I want my life to be. I put it on the table for him to decide how to approach. In hindsight, I can see the different ways things could've gone down and how each scenario would affect what my next steps would/should be. m76, good luck. Please report back if you are inclined. |
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 15, 2024 11:42:39 GMT -5
I'm going to take this approach in my next therapy session with my wife. Something along the lines of she chose to be celibate but I did not. I miss the physical contact and can't imagine spending the rest of my life without it. I think the thing that I accidentally discovered that worked was leaving HIM and OUR situation out of my statement. No pointing out that "I'm celibate because of your inaction". No statement about what I'm missing or how miserable I am. Just "I no longer want to be celibate." It was a clear statement of how I want my life to be. I put it on the table for him to decide how to approach. In hindsight, I can see the different ways things could've gone down and how each scenario would affect what my next steps would/should be. m76, good luck. Please report back if you are inclined. Thank you, that's a good point. There's no blame here. I just want to take another path. |
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 16, 2024 18:35:06 GMT -5
well had yet another talk........
he was suggesting drives in the country today 3 hr round trip on the warmest nice day we have had .... i did not express interest... finally told him FINE i will sit in your truck til me butt is numb .... he snapped "i am trying to make you happy and i do not know what you want"
i said loud and super clear ..."I want sex" ... "i want a connection."... "i want someone who thinks i am beautiful wants to lay in bed laughing and snuggling who does not hug me like it is a painful chore" ..... "i want someone who can be off a couch for hours and not glued to a TV "....... "how is a 3 hour drive to somewhere going to get me that ?"........
He stared at me and said .... NOTHING..... not a word.... not an ..... "i am sorry "... or it is medical or anything.
said he tried to hug me and i walked by him .... told him refer to the hug standard i was looking for
Asked if i wanted to go somewhere closer.... seriously sidestepped the whole darn thing....
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m76
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Post by m76 on Mar 16, 2024 18:48:02 GMT -5
well had yet another talk........ he was suggesting drives in the country today 3 hr round trip on the warmest nice day we have had .... i did not express interest... finally told him FINE i will sit in your truck til me butt is numb .... he snapped "i am trying to make you happy and i do not know what you want" i said loud and super clear ..."I want sex" ... "i want a connection."... "i want someone who thinks i am beautiful wants to lay in bed laughing and snuggling who does not hug me like it is a painful chore" ..... "i want someone who can be off a couch for hours and not glued to a TV "....... "how is a 3 hour drive to somewhere going to get me that ?"........ He stared at me and said .... NOTHING..... not a word.... not an ..... "i am sorry "... or it is medical or anything. said he tried to hug me and i walked by him .... told him refer to the hug standard i was looking for Asked if i wanted to go somewhere closer.... seriously sidestepped the whole darn thing.... What would you do if he said ok.. and started touching you? I've thought about this myself. When you know its that much of a chore for them. If my wife touched me at this point I would have mixed feelings. There would be a lot of trust to rebuild. |
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Post by toughtiger on Mar 16, 2024 20:15:34 GMT -5
well had yet another talk........ he was suggesting drives in the country today 3 hr round trip on the warmest nice day we have had .... i did not express interest... finally told him FINE i will sit in your truck til me butt is numb .... he snapped "i am trying to make you happy and i do not know what you want" i said loud and super clear ..."I want sex" ... "i want a connection."... "i want someone who thinks i am beautiful wants to lay in bed laughing and snuggling who does not hug me like it is a painful chore" ..... "i want someone who can be off a couch for hours and not glued to a TV "....... "how is a 3 hour drive to somewhere going to get me that ?"........ He stared at me and said .... NOTHING..... not a word.... not an ..... "i am sorry "... or it is medical or anything. said he tried to hug me and i walked by him .... told him refer to the hug standard i was looking for Asked if i wanted to go somewhere closer.... seriously sidestepped the whole darn thing.... What would you do if he said ok.. and started touching you? I've thought about this myself. When you know its that much of a chore for them. If my wife touched me at this point I would have mixed feelings. There would be a lot of trust to rebuild. I knew he would not cause he has nothing to work with.... but i did expect a sad attempt at an apology or something.... hours later he is still trying to take me to a rom-com movie or something seriously how does he think oh yeah lets watch other people have sex is going to fix it |
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