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Post by shamwow on Mar 11, 2021 9:09:35 GMT -5
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Post by seashells on Mar 11, 2021 13:00:50 GMT -5
Oh I read that one and the response was infuriating! 😖😡
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Mar 11, 2021 16:54:02 GMT -5
Oh yeah. I read that. So I left a comment under the article telling the OP to have a look at the ILIASM forum...! (I found this place after petrushka mentioned iliasm in the Guardian comments last November(I think?) so I thought I'd try and 'pay it forward' and get more eyes on this site...) It was a 15 year relationship with just about no sex for the last 13
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Post by jerri on Mar 11, 2021 17:44:12 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 11, 2021 19:09:50 GMT -5
"Your strong desire to achieve relational and personal healing will eventually find it's rewards". There is truth in that, however it needs some clarification.
To repeat what has been said on here (and in many other writings) over the years... it takes an equal amount of effort and work from both parties in the relationship to want to change.
When only one person does the changing (leaving the relationship, outsourcing,etc..) it's normally that person who receives the rewards and the healing.
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Post by baza on Mar 11, 2021 20:07:47 GMT -5
Like greatcoastal , this bit struck me too - "Your strong desire to achieve relational and personal healing will eventually find it's rewards". That is perfectly true. Whatever short term choices you make, long term consequences will follow. If you chase the truth of your situation, and make your choices on the current facts, then you will resolve your situation .... you will get your "reward". That reward may be to turn your ILIASM deal around - if it has the capability of doing so. Or that "reward" may be to discover that your ILIASM deal does NOT have the capability of turning around, in which case the "reward" would be the orderly dismantling of the relationship. Ending it in other words. Incidentally, the "Pamela Stevens" referred to in the article is an Australian, was an actress in the late 70's, moved to England and continued her career (mainly in sketch comedy) She abandoned her acting career, and qualified as a psychologist and has been practicing for probably 20 years now. She married Billy Connelly (a Scot bloke, and pretty famous comedian) Billy has Parkinsons Disease. Pamela's advice is usually along the same lines as this group. Possibly, Pamela's response in this case was mangled by a sub editor at The Guardian to fit the space available.
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Post by petrushka on Mar 12, 2021 1:29:31 GMT -5
Sadly, I found Pamela's advice piss poor, and not for the first time. Insipid. She ignores that two people need to want to work on it, she ignores that hope for the future is not enough. She buys wholesale into whatever weak excuses are forthcoming. Basically it's a tepid: "there, there, it will be all right". As I said, I have seen this very thing from her before. It's a pity I missed this article when comments were still open, or I would have lit into her.
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Post by petrushka on Mar 13, 2021 17:39:07 GMT -5
Incidentally, the "Pamela Stevens" referred to in the article is an Australian, was an actress in the late 70's, moved to England and continued her career (mainly in sketch comedy) She abandoned her acting career, and qualified as a psychologist and has been practicing for probably 20 years now. She married Billy Connelly (a Scot bloke, and pretty famous comedian) Billy has Parkinsons Disease. Pamela's advice is usually along the same lines as this group. Possibly, Pamela's response in this case was mangled by a sub editor at The Guardian to fit the space available.
I thought she was absolutely brilliant in "Not the Nine O'Clock News".
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Post by carl on Mar 14, 2021 16:49:41 GMT -5
I hadn’t read that but reading it now it seems similar to so many articles about sexless relationships. The advice seems dangerous to me. Listen to your partner, take time for them, do something special or romantic, go on a relaxing holiday, try and address any stresses they might be having etc etc. I even read an advice article saying to pretend you were a waiter/waitress and serving at your partners table ...! And at the time I listened to that stuff. To try to help. In some ways the advice is very cruel and completely wrong. What about advising people not to unnecessarily own other peoples problems and look after themselves. Feels a whole lot better for me that all I can say.
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