lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lonelycat on Apr 29, 2021 15:27:38 GMT -5
Howdy! My first time posting here, I have been reading for a few weeks and finally had the courage to create an account.
Anyways, married very young and we had a great sex life until five years ago my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer. The doctor said he was too young for chemo/radiation therapy would only buy him 10 years and that the cancer would return. The medical advice was radical prostatectomy and he proceeded with surgery.
Today five years later he is healthy and the PSA test show that the cancer is in remission, but we have not been able to have sex since 2016. The first year/two year I was very patient, didn’t mention sexual relations or try to initiate anything. After four years I begin to be more assertive, I explained how the lack of intimacy was affecting me, etc. To be honest, I had let myself go, I didn’t see the purpose of dolling up/dressing up, I gained some weight. After a lot, crying, talking and failed attempts he decided to give up. That’s t it!!!
It bothers me that he can actually have a dry orgasm; he just does not want to put the time and effort it takes. It makes me angry that when he made his decision, he never considered my feelings. It hurts my feeling that he does not even try to please me orally. In the last year we have been constantly arguing, some harsh things have been said. On my defense, I have lost what I called my “sexual rejection” weight gain. I have become very resentful of my husband. It makes me feel sad and hopeless when I think that I am only 42 years old and as long as I stay married I will never, EVER have sexual intercourse or feel desired again (unless I have an affair). I am tired of falling asleep crying over it.
I do not have anyone to talk about my sexless marriage; it’s an embarrassing topic to begin with. To exacerbate my situation, it kills me how often I am complimented on how pretty I am. It makes my blood pressure goes up, seriously. What good does it do to be pretty if my husband is not attracted to me?
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Post by baza on Apr 29, 2021 18:08:44 GMT -5
Welcome Sister lonelycat . Reading a lot in here is not a bad idea. In your situation the writings of Sister GeekGoddess might be a good place to start as she was once in a situation like yours. If you click on her handle (it shows in light blue just above) you'll be able to get to her profile and access everything she's ever written here. |
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Post by jim44444 on Apr 29, 2021 18:15:28 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum lonelycat. His cancer is not his fault. His dismissal of your feelings is his fault. All too often the low libido partner dismisses their partners intimacy needs as unimportant. Yes he could use his tongue or fingers or toys but that would require him to acknowledge your needs. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 29, 2021 18:31:28 GMT -5
Howdy! My first time posting here, I have been reading for a few weeks and finally had the courage to create an account. ... he just does not want to put the time and effort it takes... It hurts my feelings that he does not even try to please me orally. In the last year we have been constantly arguing,... In my defense, I have lost what I called my “sexual rejection” weight gain. I have become very resentful of my husband. .... I am tired of falling asleep crying over it. Howdy back! Glad to hear you're done crying. Of what you've read, has anything resonated with you? |
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lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lonelycat on Apr 30, 2021 9:24:13 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone that chime in. I have been following one particular member (jerri), I don't know how to insert her handle. Her inputs made me think things in a different way. I am very thankful for the video uploads of Esther Perel, I have never heard of that woman and I have been binge watching her YouTube videos, Ted talks. I am forever grateful to Jerri and this Forum for introducing me to Esther's wisdom. I could not find any help or support group in my city for spouses or caregivers. Based on my experience and from looking around and gathering information; the shame and embarrassment on such subject is a big deterrent. Before finding this Forum all the articles I ran into were along the line of: Prostate Cancer is a couple’s disease”, how up to "60% of the couples reported their relationships, special sexual relationships with their partner negatively affected". It is all pretty much “suck it up, learn to live with it” kind articles. There are all these medical studies and articles done on the cancer patient but almost nothing on their partner, how it affects them, how the lack of sex affects the partner, the guilty trip on the partner for missing intimacy. Getting a divorce because you are sexless marriage is already a taboo, imagine getting a divorce or looking for an affair because your partner had cancer and is no longer able to have an erection? Heaven forbid!!! Expect the Spanish Inquisition at your doorstep.  This Forum has been a breath of fresh air for me. It made me feel that there is nothing wrong with me for wanting a sex life. In one of our heated arguments about a month ago, I said that the sexless marriage has taken a toll on me, that I am not happy living like this. His response? “You want to leave/get a divorce so you can get laid”. Hearing that felt like a stab in my heart. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Apr 30, 2021 10:28:15 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone that chime in. I have been following one particular member (jerri), I don't know how to insert her handle. Her inputs made me think things in a different way. I am very thankful for the video uploads of Esther Perel, I have never heard of that woman and I have been binge watching her YouTube videos, Ted talks. I am forever grateful to Jerri and this Forum for introducing me to Esther's wisdom. I could not find any help or support group in my city for spouses or caregivers. Based on my experience and from looking around and gathering information; the shame and embarrassment on such subject is a big deterrent. Before finding this Forum all the articles I ran into were along the line of: Prostate Cancer is a couple’s disease”, how up to "60% of the couples reported their relationships, special sexual relationships with their partner negatively affected". It is all pretty much “suck it up, learn to live with it” kind articles. There are all these medical studies and articles done on the cancer patient but almost nothing on their partner, how it affects them, how the lack of sex affects the partner, the guilty trip on the partner for missing intimacy. Getting a divorce because you are sexless marriage is already a taboo, imagine getting a divorce or looking for an affair because your partner had cancer and is no longer able to have an erection? Heaven forbid!!! Expect the Spanish Inquisition at your doorstep. This Forum has been a breath of fresh air for me. It made me feel that there is nothing wrong with me for wanting a sex life. In one of our heated arguments about a month ago, I said that the sexless marriage has taken a toll on me, that I am not happy living like this. His response? “You want to leave/get a divorce so you can get laid”. Hearing that felt like a stab in my heart. welcome to the group lonelycat....A SM resulting from a medical condition is a creature that's somewhat different from most of the posts found here. Most often here the situation is the result of a unilateral decision made by one partner in the relationship, with no discussion or much care given to the other partner in the relationship. I feel compassion for your h due to the medical condition. But at the same time I loose some of that compassion when I hear of how he responded to your voicing your honesty feelings about how you are being affected. If your H cares about you I cannot see a reason for him not to make the effort to please you orally, manually or to include some time pleasuring you assisted by some toys. I cannot imagine turning down my spouse had she ask this of me. I assume your H has seen a Urologist to see if there is any method of treating his ED. I am not a medical professional but mechanical (pump up) inserts or injections immediately come to mind. If he hasn't sought out medical help due to embarrassment perhaps a conversation from you to his GP might be in order. Advice from a 3rd party is often less threating and thus more likely to be received positively. If he refuses to seek medical help that says volumes about his feeling for you and the marriage. |
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lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lonelycat on Apr 30, 2021 11:00:15 GMT -5
Yes, he as refused medical help. He went as far as a getting a pump, prescription drugs. The few times we tried required a lot of patience and he was not able to stay erect for very long, however he still had a dry orgasm. That was in year 2019.
That is the part that baffles me, why the decision to stop trying? I think that is where the line has been crossed from being a "medical condition" to a decision made by him.
Off course intercourse is not going to be the same, I expected that. But to completely give up? That is where and why my empathy towards him ended. That is why, I am feeling resentful! That is why I think he is being selfish. In of her videos Esther Perel talks about "Confirmation Bias", and I realized I have been doing this lately. The day to day stuff that happens, I find "evidence" of how selfish he is and was in the past. Once I stopped having compassion for him, the dynamics have completely changed. All those years that I feel asleep crying, feeling unwanted... was he using his disease as a scapegoat? Does the lack of intimacy means anything? I have all this pent up anger coming up. So, yes... finding this forum has been helpful.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 30, 2021 17:41:57 GMT -5
Thanks to everyone that chime in. I have been following one particular member (jerri), I don't know how to insert her handle. Her inputs made me think things in a different way. I am very thankful for the video uploads of Esther Perel, I have never heard of that woman and I have been binge watching her YouTube videos, Ted talks. I am forever grateful to Jerri and this Forum for introducing me to Esther's wisdom. ... I said that the sexless marriage has taken a toll on me, that I am not happy living like this. His response? “You want to leave/get a divorce so you can get laid”. Hearing that felt like a stab in my heart. You can alert jerri by putting an @ symbol in front of her name and it'll show up in her notifications. Like so jerri. Jerri had a refusing husband. She didn't divorce him. But she's gotten laid. Quite a bit. Maybe you knew that already. |
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Post by catlover on May 1, 2021 10:10:13 GMT -5
His response? “You want to leave/get a divorce so you can get laid”. Hearing that felt like a stab in my heart. Welcome lonelycat Your H mis-stated the question. The correct question is “You want to leave/get a divorce so you can find someone who gives a fuck?” I can see he was confused. On the surface, they seem like the same question. But the fully-informed should notice beneath the surface lies a very different question entirely. We must fully-inform him, lest you be forced to posit the logical retort: “You want to maintain the status quo/stay married so you can continue to neglect and ignore a wife who is certain you no longer give a fuck?” Your situation sounds very similar to mine, my wife has this ‘lovely’ hereditary disease called “Amyloidos”. Zero interest in anything sexual for the past 7 years, but before that our sex life was pretty much non-existent for the previous 5 or 6 years too. I try hard (no pun intended) to stay the loving husband, but, as I am sure you know, it’s hard to stay loving and compassionate when there is nothing there. She tells me about some sexual abuse by a neighbour when you was a child which some of the non sex gets blamed for, but she has zero interest in counselling for that issue. I can’t really blame her for not wanting intercourse a she has major bowel issues as well with this disease (to be blunt there is a chance she may well shit herself) , but I still yearn for some kind of intimacy, but there is nothing. I have tried the outsourcing route, pay for play and a couple affairs, but it is nowhere near the same. I don’t want anyone else, I want HER. I am getting nowhere though and it is tearing me apart. |
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Post by jerri on May 6, 2021 1:07:48 GMT -5
She hasn't logged in since the 29th. I may be too late. I would try the audio book your first month is free. Don't let another man get away with not giving you pleasure. Especially if you are working overtime to give him pleasure. I do give my man all sorts of pleasure then he returns the favor by handing me a vibe and penetrating me at the same time. A male therapist found I was not orgasming properly and taught me how to have a hard contraction orgasm. I can't cum very easily so I use a Hitachi with a man.  |
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lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lonelycat on May 6, 2021 8:26:13 GMT -5
Hi there, I have been around, just got super busy with work and catching up with reading here on the Forum. I will probably start a new thread/post with my newfound ILIASM wisdom. Also, I realize that in my first post I probably come across as a piss off/bitchy person. That is not who I am. After done a lot of reading here I somehow feel better. I think I finally let it go of my pent up anger, the frustration of not having anyone to talk about it or the few people I confided offering useless advice (dress sexy, blah, blah). Anyways, to be continued. |
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Post by GeekGoddess on May 14, 2021 19:14:43 GMT -5
I don't think you sound pissed off, just realistic - there was nothing in the early years of my relationship/marriage that I thought gave me any warning I would one day end up just where you are now. I also remember the relief of stumbling upon the ILIASM world online - we are lucky to find this forum, even if unlucky to need it in our life.
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