Medium.com article

Why I Quit My Marriage

Love, brokenness, and the hardest choice of my life.

Christopher Kokoski



Jun 23 · 5 min read


I quit my marriage out of love.

I loved my ex-wife, but not in a romantic sense, not in a very long time, not really even like a friend. I loved her like you love someone you knew ages ago, who meant something to you once, but you can barely remember why.

I loved her like a half-forgotten dream of someone who was supposed to mean something to me, who should mean something to me.

I also quit my marriage out of love for my children and myself. This is the story of how and why.

Because I Loved My Ex

I quit my marriage because divorce is better than fighting. Divorce is better than a bad marriage.

Divorce is better than endless days of isolation, loneliness, and the silent suffering of sexlessness.

I’ve written before about the lack of intimacy in my marriage in my article I Didn’t Masturbate for 6 Months — Here’s What Happened.

My ex and I obviously felt some kind of connection because we got married.

In retrospect, it was a huge mistake, but we didn’t know that back then. We didn’t know any better and we didn’t have anyone giving us good advice, even though I’m not sure we would have taken it anyway.

But it’s not like I hate her.

I wanted her to be happy, it just wasn’t going to happen with me. Although she denied being unhappy, I could see, hear, and feel it every single day.

Eventually, 15 years too late, I came to the realization that it was up to me to make a sweeping change. If I didn’t do it, it wasn’t going to happen. Nobody else in my family acknowledged the brokenness of our marriage.

Since I was the only one who recognized the problem, it was up to me to fix it. Or to at least try.

That’s one of the major reasons I asked for a divorce.

It took six months to a year, but eventually, she admitted her unhappiness.

Because I Loved My Kids

Divorce is better for my kids. That is and was my conclusion. For years, I bought into the fallacy that divorce is bad for my kids.

To be sure, divorce is not optimal or ideal.

But a healthy, respectful relationship is better for my kids than role-modeling a toxic kind of relationship I would never want my kids to experience.

“Divorce isn’t such a tragedy. A tragedy’s staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.”

— Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home

The pain of divorce is temporary.

As much as it killed me to bring my kids to tears during the breaking up of our family, they are much happier and healthier now.

They get parents who demonstrate authentic happiness.

They get a dad in a healthy relationship that I dream for them to find one day. A relationship built on trust, respect, attraction, communication, and love.

Because I Loved Myself

Divorce made me whole again.

I was unhappy for a very long time before I committed to a divorce. The idea had been floated several times over the 15 years, but the last time was the first time I was totally committed to it.

I realized, as I mentioned before, that the divorce was not going to happen unless I made it happen.

If I was ever going to be happy and fulfilled in a healthy, loving relationship, I would have to dissolve the one I’d spent 15 years trying to make work. I wasn’t a perfect husband. Far from it. I have many flaws, but the entire relationship stood on a shaky foundation.

A series of seismic situations further eroded the fragile underpinnings of the marriage.

One day I flash forwarded 10 years when my kids were going to be out of the house. I had zero doubt that I would divorce my wife then. Did I want to spend 10 more years in an unhealthy relationship?

The answer clearly was no.

I knew I couldn’t grow any further in this relationship. If I was to continue growing, I’d have to do it alone, or with somebody else. My personal growth after my divorce skyrocketed, but that’s not to say it was easy or painless.

However, it was more than worth it.

“You can come at it very aggressively and blame and blame and blame. Or you can put yourself in the garage, so to speak. Take yourself apart and clean off the bits. Reassemble."

— Chris Martin, Sunday Times

Because I Loved My God

I never meant to get divorced. I don’t believe in divorce. Rather, I believe in choosing the right partner and sticking it out through thick or thin.

One of the reasons behind my strong belief in marriage commitment is my faith.

However, my 15-year marriage wreaked havoc on my relationship with God.

I knew if I was going to regain the peace and deep connection with my spiritual creator, I needed to make a drastic change.

As odd as it might sound, My relationship with God is much better after my divorce. An added bonus is a greater understanding and appreciation of grace.

Because I Loved My Future Wife

I also had my future wife in mind when I got divorced.

I knew there was a person out there for me with whom I could create a lasting connection. I believed I deserved this kind of love and I wanted to share it with someone who could fully appreciate and reciprocate my affection.

I’m not yet married again, but I am in a deeply committed and wonderful long-term relationship with a woman I love with all of my heart and soul.

If I’d stayed in my broken marriage even a few years longer, I would not have met her — and that would be a serious tragedy.

Parting Thoughts

Yes, I quit my marriage because of love. I’m so glad that I did.

I don’t know where you are in your relationships. I don’t know if you’re single, dating around, or in a committed relationship with someone.

But what I do know is that you deserve more than settling.

You deserve more than low standards, poor communication, rampant jealousy, controlling actions, and anyone who doesn’t celebrate you for who you are as a unique and marvelous person.

You also deserve someone who will challenge you, stand up to you, disagree with you, but never disrespect you. Someone who will tell you the truth, even if it hurts, but will do so lovingly and gently so that you can hear it.

Someone who pushes you to your own incredible potential.

Someone who will go to your volleyball games, who would dress up as a teenager and sneak into a stadium to dance in the bleachers.

Someone who will go on trips with you, spoil you, and love you even when it’s hard.