stu
New Member
Posts: 9 
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Post by stu on Jul 9, 2021 9:33:57 GMT -5
Hi all,
After reading a few posts already here, I thought I would share my position.
I too live in a sexless relationship! Shock horror, I guess that’s why I am here!
The last time me and my significant other had sexual or any physical contact was the conception of our last child who will celebrate their 7th birthday soon!
My partner has gone through the change and I guess that added to her lowered or lack of sex drive. I now find myself at a crossroads of accepting that our sex life is over, or I just look to move on into a healthier relationship. Although I have to be honest, if me and her were to split I would be single for a very long time.
I think some of the issues are related to her going through the change and doing so early in her stage of life. (Early 40’s).
I like most of you have said, tried talking to her about it, but I just get “I know, it will improve answer”. I can’t hug her at night as she is so flippant on being not hugged. So even physical contact is out of the relationship now.
I am the sort of guy that puts up with other people being moody and such, so her emotional ways have not made me turn against her. Even when I am to blame for failures in her eyes.
I won’t go on and on about this, just thought I would share my life’s current position.
Unlike most of the forum people here I am in Blighty, middle England more precise!
Take care all,
Hope to chat and feedback with you all soon?
Stay safe.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 9, 2021 17:43:15 GMT -5
Hi all, After reading a few posts already here, I thought I would share my position. I too live in a sexless relationship! Shock horror, I guess that’s why I am here! The last time me and my significant other had sexual or any physical contact was the conception of our last child who will celebrate their 7th birthday soon! My partner has gone through the change and I guess that added to her lowered or lack of sex drive. I now find myself at a crossroads of accepting that our sex life is over, or I just look to move on into a healthier relationship. Although I have to be honest, if me and her were to split I would be single for a very long time. I think some of the issues are related to her going through the change and doing so early in her stage of life. (Early 40’s). I like most of you have said, tried talking to her about it, but I just get “I know, it will improve answer”. I can’t hug her at night as she is so flippant on being not hugged. So even physical contact is out of the relationship now. I am the sort of guy that puts up with other people being moody and such, so her emotional ways have not made me turn against her. Even when I am to blame for failures in her eyes. I won’t go on and on about this, just thought I would share my life’s current position. Unlike most of the forum people here I am in Blighty, middle England more precise! Take care all, Hope to chat and feedback with you all soon? Stay safe. Sexless relationship, but not marriage. Interesting wrinkle in that you made no promises to forsake all others. This traditional vow weighs on at least some of us assembled here, but perhaps you made no such promise. You worry you will be single a while. Perhaps, in a way, you are this very moment? Minus that vow of monogamy most of us take, I'm not sure what claim she makes to your body as hers to control. Perhaps you are holding out hope that unpromised fidelity will be met with gratitude? Or maybe I assume too little and you actually are married? Legally, cohabitation can produce burdens on a par with marriage, but honor holds many SM partners back where risk to finances would not. |
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DrNo
Junior Member
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Jul 9, 2021 19:07:21 GMT -5
Hi all, After reading a few posts already here, I thought I would share my position. I too live in a sexless relationship! Shock horror, I guess that’s why I am here! The last time me and my significant other had sexual or any physical contact was the conception of our last child who will celebrate their 7th birthday soon! My partner has gone through the change and I guess that added to her lowered or lack of sex drive. I now find myself at a crossroads of accepting that our sex life is over, or I just look to move on into a healthier relationship. Although I have to be honest, if me and her were to split I would be single for a very long time. I think some of the issues are related to her going through the change and doing so early in her stage of life. (Early 40’s). I like most of you have said, tried talking to her about it, but I just get “I know, it will improve answer”. I can’t hug her at night as she is so flippant on being not hugged. So even physical contact is out of the relationship now. I am the sort of guy that puts up with other people being moody and such, so her emotional ways have not made me turn against her. Even when I am to blame for failures in her eyes. I won’t go on and on about this, just thought I would share my life’s current position. Unlike most of the forum people here I am in Blighty, middle England more precise! Take care all, Hope to chat and feedback with you all soon? Stay safe. Sexless relationship, but not marriage. Interesting wrinkle in that you made no promises to forsake all others. This traditional vow weighs on at least some of us assembled here, but perhaps you made no such promise. You worry you will be single a while. Perhaps, in a way, you are this very moment? Minus that vow of monogamy most of us take, I'm not sure what claim she makes to your body as hers to control. Perhaps you are holding out hope that unpromised fidelity will be met with gratitude? Or maybe I assume too little and you actually are married? Legally, cohabitation can produce burdens on a par with marriage, but honor holds many SM partners back where risk to finances would not. I too am in Blighty, and south east of England. I feel your pain brother. While my wife still occasionally wants some fumble of sorts it is becoming less and lesse. She is 50. Reading your post I can say this with all honesty, if there was nothing inside of three months I would be calling it a day. My friend in Australia did this last year and is now happily in a relationship with an amazing lady. |
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Post by baza on Jul 9, 2021 21:12:17 GMT -5
Are you taking a position that - "everything is great bar the sex" Brother stu ? Often-times in here, as a member fleshes out their story and more information is divulged, a picture of disconnection is revealed and the paucity of sex is more of a symptom than a cause. Anyway, welcome Brother stu . Hope you get some value out of the group. |
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Post by jerri on Jul 10, 2021 4:06:12 GMT -5
Oof!Dejavu!
My husband didn't touch me much so I looked forward to making love to get my quota! Then poof, sex disappeared like magic!
A mattress seduced him and it was love at first sight!💋 Less common way to masturbate and it brings him shame. Too bad because I support masturbation as long as I can have some too! 😇
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Jul 10, 2021 8:11:08 GMT -5
When I joined I thought it was a lack of sex.
I zoomed back and discovered it was a lack of intimacy.
I zoomed back further and discovered it was a lack of affection.
Zoom back further and I discovered I felt like much of my life was being controlled.
Are you not getting sex, but getting intimacy?
Are you not getting intimacy but getting affection?
Are you not getting affection?
Are you making your own decisions with your time? Free to visit whoever you want when you want?
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stu
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by stu on Jul 11, 2021 9:00:14 GMT -5
I am married and do have children with my partner. I don’t worry about being alone, I worry that I would end up being back where I am now but in another relationship.
I am not for filled sexual and physical, if it was just a lack of sex at least that would be one thing!
I get judged for picking my phone up, yet my partner seems to have a better realionship with her phone and social media than anyone!
I endured my life being compared to what she sees her friends doing as better. The longer this has gone on the more I also think she may become narcissist or have traits of one.
In truth I would say I have become unhappy in my relationship and the starting blocks have been the lack of sexual contact and physical too. This has lead me to look more at our relationship and realise it is not healthy!
I have been divorced before and have a child from my first marriage. Although I can’t call him a child anymore on account of his age and seeking a job while studying at collage etc.
Thank you for the replies, I am sure most of you may over judge what I said, but I am happy for view points or people’s own experiences of similar relationship issues.
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stu
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by stu on Jul 11, 2021 9:10:37 GMT -5
Just to add, not that I am counting, but my wife fell pregnant with our last child who will turn 7 this year. That was the last time we had sex! Yes over 7 years and nothing since. Hugging only happens when she wants a hug because she feels shit about something or she has become upset by something. Forget holding hands!!!
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stu
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by stu on Jul 11, 2021 9:18:28 GMT -5
Are you taking a position that - "everything is great bar the sex" Brother stu ? Often-times in here, as a member fleshes out their story and more information is divulged, a picture of disconnection is revealed and the paucity of sex is more of a symptom than a cause. Anyway, welcome Brother stu . Hope you get some value out of the group. I don’t think it all good to be honest. I believe the lack of sex has highlighted other cracks within the relationship. I can be a cause of some of the issues agreed not all one sided. But I think the females needs after any change in hormones is over looked as having an impact of the guy in the relationship. I know some people will judge me as being bad for that, and yes it could sound bad as I am the guy and not having sex, but I think the emphasis is on the woman more than the issues the guy faces on a daily basis and has to put up with or work on for being the guy in her life. |
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stu
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by stu on Jul 11, 2021 9:21:54 GMT -5
The more I write the more fooked up it all seems. Sorry to be blabbering on. If I was reading this I would probably tell myself to pack my bags and get out ASAP!
I guess it boils down to a simple question. Is my relationship making me happy or sad?
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2021 10:20:41 GMT -5
“ But I think the females needs after any change in hormones is over looked as having an impact of the guy in the relationship.”
That’s how your wife is responding to your needs and her lack of libido. When my libido dropped in perimenopause I didn’t feel like a woman so I started taking supplements to increase my libido even though my husband was a refuser. Similarly, when post sm lover’s t level dropped he told his doctor and started t shots. He did this because he didn’t feel like a man. He wasn’t even in a relationship then.
For some people having a libido is important. I just turned 70. I do whatever it takes to have a libido because otherwise I don’t feel like myself.
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2021 20:02:13 GMT -5
The more I write the more fooked up it all seems. Sorry to be blabbering on. If I was reading this I would probably tell myself to pack my bags and get out ASAP! I guess it boils down to a simple question. Is my relationship making me happy or sad? Yes, that's a pretty good summary Brother stu . Is your relationship enhancing your life or depleting it. And if your assessment is that your relationship is a depletive influence on your life, then what - if anything - are you prepared to do about it ? If you had an alternative - today - to staying in your ILIASM deal, would you take it ? The answer to that one is (I figure) "no". Or at least that'd probably be your answer today. But it might not be your answer on say January 12th 2022 after another 6 months of this. Suggestion - See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you. Within those parameters start putting an exit strategy together. Knock that exit strategy into do-able shape. Shore up your support network so you've got people to help you through such an event should the cards fall that way. Research everything you can about shepherding any minor children through such an event. In other words, construct your alternative. Whether you then chose to enact your alternative is entirely at your discretion. Putting your alternative together commits you to precisely nothing. It is simply you checking out your options so you can make a fully informed choice about whether you are going to stay (a perfectly valid choice) or leave (another perfectly valid choice) |
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Post by Apocrypha on Jul 11, 2021 21:58:23 GMT -5
I now find myself at a crossroads of accepting that our sex life is over, or I just look to move on into a healthier relationship. Although I have to be honest, if me and her were to split I would be single for a very long time. Are you confident that you are not single now? Most people come into this situation looking at the presence or absence of sex and drawing a conclusion about whether sex with that person is likely in their future or not, and then whether they can handle that or not. Having been through it, I feel like that's unlikely to be the most useful frame. I think it's more useful to consider whether or not that person actually loves you as a partner, or is instead facing the same trouble you are. Namely: I'm tethered to a person who isn't there for me or who I don't want - and what do I do about it? If the relationship has been over for a very long time and you two are simply in a practical, co-operative deadlock - sharing expenses - you aren't really romantic partners anymore. It's not that you WOULD BE single for a very long time. It's that you already are -- and have been -- alone, for a very long time, and stand to remain that way as long as you stay there. |
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stu
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by stu on Jul 12, 2021 3:05:04 GMT -5
There are some interesting thoughts there all. Thank you.
I have some things form this I need to sit down and analyse for myself and maybe act upon. I think I have tried my hardest to make our relationship work recently more so than ever before. I feel tired of trying now though.
Given what I said before, I think the more I look into the relationship the more I believe I am there for my duty as farther and the expected husband roles. This is not ideal way of putting it as I am sure the feminist society will disagree, but that seems to be what I believe to be.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 12, 2021 5:56:53 GMT -5
Are you making your own decisions with your time? Free to visit whoever you want when you want? I do not see who I want, when I want. In my case, it's co-dependence. I saw my companionship as my wife's right. I've been loosening that assumption, but I'm sometimes coming straight home when I'd probably prefer to do something else. Her depression has her locked in our bedroom watching reruns and playing phone games. It's my own private stupidity, but I'm peeling it back. The dysfunction of my co-dependency is blatant and hard to fight. It's important to recognize when our spouse's controlling behavior is actually our own internalized acceptance of it, or, worse, assumptions we make that what we do is "noble" but instead may be counterproductive. Perhaps our spouse is feeling similarly bound by duty and mutually, pointlessly trapped. My wife asks, "Is it okay if I have lunch/dinner with ______?" and my thought is "Thank God, she's getting out of the house!" That's her depression talking, but do some spouses ask permission because of an unspoken excessive bond that may breed resentment? Co-dependency is an ugly thing disguised as a "happy couple". It was invisible to me not long ago. This is not to say controlling spouses (needy?) aren't out there. Not at all. Stu's wife's hypocritical criticisms (phone for me, not for thee) seem to illustrate an example. |
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