Post by lovelyalone on Sept 22, 2021 23:53:20 GMT -5
It’s easier, from where I sit now, to consolidate my perspective. It all seemed confusing and disorienting at the time. Honestly, I never thought divorce could be part of my life story; it seemed unthinkable! The Ex was the one who pulled the trigger, after 23 years together. I felt like I was dying! He moved out in 2017, and the divorce was finalized at the end of 2018.
But the journey that led up to it… was the most dramatic chapter of my life.
Have you ever wondered whether Recovered Memories are real? Whether they’re just planted by incompetent or greedy psychologists? Well, back in 2015, I found out firsthand: it is totally possible to have amnesia for episodes in one’s life, and then have them spontaneously resurface later on.
I first started therapy for what I thought was simple depression, but then things got weird. I had many months of strange, debilitating symptoms: severe dizziness & vertigo with no medical cause… endless insomnia to the point where I was no longer safe to drive… and the brand-new urges to injure myself for no obvious reason. Then finally, one day, I was alone at home when disturbing images flashed into my mind. The flashbacks I began to have, turned my world upside down. I was shocked. I saw, heard, and felt the memories of my parents abusing me sexually, when I was very young. I had no idea.
The years following this revelation were very expensive. Six weeks of costly inpatient treatment. Then years packed with therapy groups and sessions. It was hard work to get through it all… to stop feeling ashamed, stop blaming myself for what happened to me. To learn coping skills. To stop harming my body. To learn to stand up for myself in my adult relationships.
Well, it worked. All that time, facing my nightmares and becoming healthier, paid off. The Ex (then-husband) didn’t like it. He couldn’t fool me anymore; I could finally see what he was really doing to my emotions. He didn’t like being accountable. He looked down on me for being “weak,” thinking I “should” have been strong enough to avoid being traumatized and getting sick. By the time he declared his desire for divorce, he was angry, disgusted, and bitter.
I am much, much better off since the divorce. I’m still healing psychologically; I still struggle with being triggered by certain events, and I get anxious a lot and can’t concentrate well. But I love myself so much more. I am still in therapy, but only 1-2 sessions per week; no longer the intensive program I used to attend. And I almost completely avoid self-injuring.
My son is with me every-other-week, and he recently turned 18– legally an adult. He’s in his senior year of high school, and simultaneously a junior in university. We have a really special bond of trust, and we laugh together a lot.
He spends the other weeks with his Dad and stepmother. Things there are strained and oppressive. My son mostly hides in his room over there, for fear he will get in trouble again. His Dad constantly demands obedience to his every whim, harps on Respect, and insists over & over that he is just as important a parent as I am. (No one has ever cast doubt on his legitimacy as a parent, but he has spent the past couple of years vigilant and angry.) His wife throws crying fits, insisting that my son hates her (he doesn’t), and that he’s terribly disrespectful. He is SUCH a good kid. A hard-working student, obedient son, and kind soul. Yet his Dad has proved to be… a very insecure, controlling, angry man.
I don’t know how I was so blind to this, when we were married. I used to think he was wonderful and I didn’t deserve him! But now that I see The Ex through my son’s eyes, he appears so, so different.
I guess, if there’s a lesson to be taken from all this, in the context of ILIASM, it’s this: Sexless Marriage is so often the product of dysfunctional dynamics. Often, when the Sexlessness seems inexplicable, it’s because of denial toward other problems which are way worse than the sex issue.
If Sexlessness becomes the motivation to get free from a toxic marriage, great. Whatever works. The most important thing is to heal and grow.
Soon I’ll be celebrating 3 years of dating a woman who has been really great to me. The sex is outstanding. 😄
But the journey that led up to it… was the most dramatic chapter of my life.
Have you ever wondered whether Recovered Memories are real? Whether they’re just planted by incompetent or greedy psychologists? Well, back in 2015, I found out firsthand: it is totally possible to have amnesia for episodes in one’s life, and then have them spontaneously resurface later on.
I first started therapy for what I thought was simple depression, but then things got weird. I had many months of strange, debilitating symptoms: severe dizziness & vertigo with no medical cause… endless insomnia to the point where I was no longer safe to drive… and the brand-new urges to injure myself for no obvious reason. Then finally, one day, I was alone at home when disturbing images flashed into my mind. The flashbacks I began to have, turned my world upside down. I was shocked. I saw, heard, and felt the memories of my parents abusing me sexually, when I was very young. I had no idea.
The years following this revelation were very expensive. Six weeks of costly inpatient treatment. Then years packed with therapy groups and sessions. It was hard work to get through it all… to stop feeling ashamed, stop blaming myself for what happened to me. To learn coping skills. To stop harming my body. To learn to stand up for myself in my adult relationships.
Well, it worked. All that time, facing my nightmares and becoming healthier, paid off. The Ex (then-husband) didn’t like it. He couldn’t fool me anymore; I could finally see what he was really doing to my emotions. He didn’t like being accountable. He looked down on me for being “weak,” thinking I “should” have been strong enough to avoid being traumatized and getting sick. By the time he declared his desire for divorce, he was angry, disgusted, and bitter.
I am much, much better off since the divorce. I’m still healing psychologically; I still struggle with being triggered by certain events, and I get anxious a lot and can’t concentrate well. But I love myself so much more. I am still in therapy, but only 1-2 sessions per week; no longer the intensive program I used to attend. And I almost completely avoid self-injuring.
My son is with me every-other-week, and he recently turned 18– legally an adult. He’s in his senior year of high school, and simultaneously a junior in university. We have a really special bond of trust, and we laugh together a lot.
He spends the other weeks with his Dad and stepmother. Things there are strained and oppressive. My son mostly hides in his room over there, for fear he will get in trouble again. His Dad constantly demands obedience to his every whim, harps on Respect, and insists over & over that he is just as important a parent as I am. (No one has ever cast doubt on his legitimacy as a parent, but he has spent the past couple of years vigilant and angry.) His wife throws crying fits, insisting that my son hates her (he doesn’t), and that he’s terribly disrespectful. He is SUCH a good kid. A hard-working student, obedient son, and kind soul. Yet his Dad has proved to be… a very insecure, controlling, angry man.
I don’t know how I was so blind to this, when we were married. I used to think he was wonderful and I didn’t deserve him! But now that I see The Ex through my son’s eyes, he appears so, so different.
I guess, if there’s a lesson to be taken from all this, in the context of ILIASM, it’s this: Sexless Marriage is so often the product of dysfunctional dynamics. Often, when the Sexlessness seems inexplicable, it’s because of denial toward other problems which are way worse than the sex issue.
If Sexlessness becomes the motivation to get free from a toxic marriage, great. Whatever works. The most important thing is to heal and grow.
Soon I’ll be celebrating 3 years of dating a woman who has been really great to me. The sex is outstanding. 😄