Noodling through the phenomenon and word of "Love" in the month since I wrote the "
CHERISH" entry, I've not improved upon my arbitrary, arrogant declaration of truth that love is....
<drumroll>
"The desire to sacrifice without expectation of compensation."There you have it,
Haddaway. Stop asking.
This sacrifice can be in service to inanimate objects, addictions, and causes; things incapable of reciprocation except perhaps indirectly or self-administered (warm fuzzies).
You can love drugs, gambling, food, sex and sacrifice time and/or money to get more of it at the expense of other things you'd enjoy more or should prioritize more highly.
The things you love may be really bad for you. Not only is there no reward coming your way, they may very well penalize you.
Unrequited love hurts whether it comes from a person or a passion.
Preferably, our sacrifices benefit us through witnessing the fruition of a project, the growth of a loved one, or the deepening of a romantic connection.
What brought me to the point of inspiration for this essay was a podcast that was speaking of "self-love".
A gooey, sketchy, flesh-crawl term the more jaded/hardened/cynical among us will readily eyeroll over.
The podcast spoke of how one begins to engage in self-compassion:
Cut yourself some slack. Indulge yourself even when there seem to be a hundred different things you should be doing for others first. Setting boundaries, recognizing your own worth, and reordering priorities others may be imposing upon you.
This comes down to having a sense of value; that you deserve a degree of consideration. Everyone does. Some morsel, some tidbit.
I thought to flip the script.
Let us accept you
are as worthless as you think and/or as worthless as some outside party is professing.
Might you be worthy of consideration one day?
Is there some set of circumstances under which you might accept top priority?
Do you couch your entitlement to consideration or a fair shake in terms of accomplishments that must be performed first? "If I just __________, then I can let myself [go on vacation, ask for help, replace my car, start my hobby again]"
Are those requirements realistic? In what timeframe? Who brought you to conclude that your desires are rock bottom until these things get achieved?
If it was you, what may have brought you to believe that every self-indulgence must be justified in terms of a give-and-take balance?
Is that give and take fair? Understandably skewed against you? Tilted your way, but you want more? All give and no take?
Are you without value regardless of your actions henceforth? Are you irredeemable?
Are you committed to forever serve others and dash yourself against rocks of expectations and obligations you caused or have taken responsibility for?
This is an important question to ask. It may be instrumental in the more thorough understanding of the vow you took; a retroactive assessment.
When you promise to love someone until death do you part, nowhere does it specify how much or in what way.
Marriage is referred to as a contract. Can you imagine the reaction of a lawyer who looked upon our vows and asked us if we thought we should sign?
Can you imagine a marriage contract written by a lawyer? Can you envision what the negotiations might look like? What the lawyer's bill would be when you were done? I'd wager it would make divorce look like the bargain of the century.
Maybe that's why we're so sloppy putting them together, yet microscopically careful in taking them apart.
We're young, stupid, and poor when we say "I do."
We have a lot to lose, more smarts, and have less time left to do better for ourselves when we say "I don't anymore."
How
much should we love?
In what
way?
Does the golden rule apply? "Do unto others as you would have done to you."?
Or is it harder? "Do unto others as they wish to be done."
In another essay, I'll write about the five love languages and in that essay, I'll bring about the observation that it may be that the love languages we prefer to receive consideration with are those we lack most.
This can be from a long deficit, perhaps from a failure to affirm from our parents, or shortcoming associated with one's current pairing.
If you seek gifts, were you raised poor, or is your love interest scrimping and saving for a down payment because they are long term thinkers, but you need a gesture once in a while?
If you crave quality time, were you a latchkey kid? Or is your spouse a workaholic? Both are possible, but the internal craving being a result of long term or short term neglect strikes me as likely. Often enough, we do not communicate these preferences or our loved ones may have difficulties filling these gaps through circumstance or bumbling inexperience in providing them.
Are we obligated to bring our significant other coffee each morning if that's going to make them feel loved? Should they be inclined to cuddle during a movie on the couch if that doesn't come naturally for them?
Yes, ideally.
Is it love to be at their beck and call physically, praise them to the highest of heavens, spend every penny you have on whatever they ask for, go on intimate vacations crossing things off their bucket list, but chafe if they ask for help or express relief when you happen by and rescue them from a mundane day-to-day struggle? Is it okay to bat 1000 on just four languages?
Is it required from us to tolerate four out of five, if your beloved utterly whiffs on #5?
This is the sacrifice part. If four out of five come easily, but the fifth is critical to their happiness, is the failure to sacrifice evidence of a lack of love?
If we're speaking of self-love, do the same five languages apply? If you're getting four out of five, is it too much to ask to seek out the fifth? From our spouse or elsewhere?
Do we affirm ourselves?
Do we do our hobbies or cross some items off our to-do list that are lower priorities, objectively, but please us personally?
Do we get a massage? Or take our lover's hand with confidence?
Do we relent and click "Buy" on Amazon if it's not going to substantially imperil our finances or plans?
Do we set aside four hours to meet up with an old friend for coffee?
Or do we abstain from any of these five due to prioritizing others?
Do we feel selfish and tell ourselves so?
Do we ensure everyone's wants are met before we address a need of our own?
Do we wait patiently for a lover to initiate affection, for fear of pressuring zer? For fear of rejection? For perception of unworthiness?
Do we endlessly prepare for needs before a single whim can be satisfied?
Do we risk sending a thoughtful text, or put our phone away so as not to interrupt our partner's meeting with our notification ringtone?
When we say these vows, do we take into account these trade-offs?
Do we know ourselves well enough to understand what we promise?
Have we tabulated our obligations and rewards in advance?
Are we aware of the perceptions of our betrothed? Are they prepared to meet our needs? Do we/they know what those needs
are?
Are we aware those needs may change, but our expectations to meet their needs and for them to meet ours will
not?
Do we grasp the event-horizon gravity of both promising these things to someone else and the expectation that our partner is obligated to do the same for us?
Are we prepared to understand this vow after it's too late to change it? Are we prepared to rise to the occasion whether that means to sacrifice more of ourselves or lovingly explain what those vows meant to our once-naïve lifemate?
Do we wonder why some (we, ourselves?) may speak of ending a relationship as their "world coming to an end"?
