onempty
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Post by onempty on Jan 1, 2022 10:13:25 GMT -5
After years in a mostly sm my wife has been occasionally giving reset/maintenance sex. Was a couple times a week that dwindles to once a week now about every two weeks. I expect it to become longer and longer between sessions. I thought for sure maybe Xmas eve or Xmas night but nothing. I thought for sure NYs eve but nothing. I admit I didn’t initiate but instead waited for a sign she was willing but she just rolled over with her usual pillows placed strategically between us.
What I don’t understand is when we have sex she seems to enjoy it. We get along much better. When we take a trip she’s willing but at home? I’m starting to get at that frustrated point where I wait for her to initiate but I know she won’t and it eventually leads to fighting where j seem like a horney, selfish baby. It boggles my mind. Even if she hates it for whatever reason a simple hand job or bj too much to do on her own to make me happy? I’ll just add I do everything I can for her. I spoil the hell out of her,I shower her with gifts, I compliment her all the time, I try to help around the house. I literally do everything I can and the one thing that seems like it would be so easy to do and costs no money she just won’t do for me.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 1, 2022 14:33:17 GMT -5
onempty: " I’m starting to get at that frustrated point where I wait for her to initiate but I know she won’t and it eventually leads to fighting where j seem like a horney, selfish baby. "
No, you sound like a human being with a normal sex drive. What keeps you in your marriage? Love? Inertia?
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 1, 2022 15:08:49 GMT -5
One of the things I came to learn in marriage and in post-marriage (dating formerly married women) is that people who are sex averse in their marriages often do have libidos themselves and periods in which they feel horny and unsatisfied.
The problem is that they no longer see their spouse as a viable sexual partner (for one reason or another - often in the distant past).
So, on rare occasions, they may succumb to what's convenient and enjoy the body or attention of the person next to them. But overall, they don't really consider their spouse to be a someone they want sexually. It's often not the best sex, but an eager spouse sees it as a "Step in the right direction" - when it isn't really a step at all. It's just that their libido in the moment exceeded their aversion to the partner.
And that sucks. Can keep people in something that isn't working for a long time.
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heelots
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Post by heelots on Jan 1, 2022 21:46:42 GMT -5
onempty: " I’m starting to get at that frustrated point where I wait for her to initiate but I know she won’t and it eventually leads to fighting where j seem like a horney, selfish baby. " No, you sound like a human being with a normal sex drive. What keeps you in your marriage? Love? Inertia? That was part of the problem in my now dead forever sexless marriage. In our 23 years of marriage I doubt she initiated a half dozen times which convinced me that she saw sex with me as obligatory. For me that was a huge turnoff. I shared this with her and explained that I was not interested in having sex with any woman who had no desire to be with me which is what I took from her never initiating. Eventually I became so angry and bitter over the issue that I swore to never again lay a finger on her and never again mention sex too her. That was probably 5 years or so ago and from that day to this she seems to go through life not a care in the world. She absolutely could care less about sex with me or anyone else. Of course the marraige is a joke, in name only and we stay together strictly due to finances and nothing more. Aside from our kids, almost grown and gone we have zero shared interests. I won't divorce her even after the kids are gone, I would rather just avoid her as much as possible because we agree on nothing and argue at the least provocation. I do worry that once the kids are gone the sneaky bitch will have some nest egg of money she has been squirling away for years and decide to divorce. She would be stupid enough to do something like that and leave us both in poverty till we die. I would rather stay married to her and keep her as the room mate she has been for years and just sort of leave each other alone like we have been. At least that way I would not finish my days in a studio apt. He'll, I would even be open to finishing out the basement or adding HVAC, a crapper, and bedroom to the garage and moving out there! Yup, getting married was the biggest mistake I ever made. |
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heelots
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Post by heelots on Jan 1, 2022 21:52:22 GMT -5
Speaking from 23 years of worse than what you described, don't expect this to ever improve, it will not, it will only get worse and you will only get more bitter.
Eventually, you will grow to hate her because of this too.
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onempty
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Post by onempty on Jan 1, 2022 22:30:25 GMT -5
What keeps you in your marriage? Love? Inertia
When the marriage was its worst, about 3 years ago, I didn’t leave for the usual reasons of kids and money. Plus she was sick and I couldn’t leave her like that. But the last few years have been good except for some long sex droughts and every blue moon when we have sex frequently things are great. And not just for me.
I think my wife loves me but isn’t attracted to me. That hurts but I know I’m not the best looking guy in the world.
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onempty
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Post by onempty on Jan 1, 2022 22:31:38 GMT -5
One of the things I came to learn in marriage and in post-marriage (dating formerly married women) is that people who are sex averse in their marriages often do have libidos themselves and periods in which they feel horny and unsatisfied. The problem is that they no longer see their spouse as a viable sexual partner (for one reason or another - often in the distant past). So, on rare occasions, they may succumb to what's convenient and enjoy the body or attention of the person next to them. But overall, they don't really consider their spouse to be a someone they want sexually. It's often not the best sex, but an eager spouse sees it as a "Step in the right direction" - when it isn't really a step at all. It's just that their libido in the moment exceeded their aversion to the partner. And that sucks. Can keep people in something that isn't working for a long time. Ouch. That’s pretty brutal but probably the truth. |
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onempty
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Post by onempty on Jan 1, 2022 22:35:38 GMT -5
Speaking from 23 years of worse than what you described, don't expect this to ever improve, it will not, it will only get worse and you will only get more bitter. Eventually, you will grow to hate her because of this too. I’m sorry you have to live like this. I hope I don’t get to the point you are at. I guess it might be inevitable. But if it does I think I’d rather live in that studio. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 2, 2022 0:14:53 GMT -5
one empty: "
I’m sorry you have to live like this. I hope I don’t get to the point you are at. I guess it might be inevitable. But if it does I think
I’d rather live in that studio."
Yep. When I decided I'd rather spend the rest of my life in a rented room than continue living in my dream house with my refuser, I divorced at age 62 after 34 years of marriage. To my surprise, I ended up in a sexy longterm relationship with a wonderful guy I'm still with. But even if I were living alone in a rented room, I'd still be happier than I was with my ex.
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creep
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Post by creep on Jan 2, 2022 5:59:29 GMT -5
Of course the marraige is a joke, in name only and we stay together strictly due to finances and nothing more. I won't divorce her even after the kids are gone, I do worry that once the kids are gone the sneaky bitch will have some nest egg of money she has been squirling away for years and decide to divorce. She would be stupid enough to do something like that and leave us both in poverty till we die. I would rather stay married to her and keep her as the room mate she has been for years and just sort of leave each other alone like we have been. At least that way I would not finish my days in a studio apt. He'll, I would even be open to finishing out the basement or adding HVAC, a crapper, and bedroom to the garage and moving out there! Yup, getting married was the biggest mistake I ever made. Dude. You accept perpetual misery to avoid living in a studio apartment? I think I would rather live on the street and beg, or in a cave and eat bugs, or even live in a monastery and stay celibate than live the life you describe. What if after divorce you should find the freedom to create the independent wealth and lifestyle you desire? Nah fuck it. To each his own. Just stay comfortable in hell. ? |
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heelots
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Post by heelots on Jan 2, 2022 9:34:26 GMT -5
Of course the marraige is a joke, in name only and we stay together strictly due to finances and nothing more. I won't divorce her even after the kids are gone, I do worry that once the kids are gone the sneaky bitch will have some nest egg of money she has been squirling away for years and decide to divorce. She would be stupid enough to do something like that and leave us both in poverty till we die. I would rather stay married to her and keep her as the room mate she has been for years and just sort of leave each other alone like we have been. At least that way I would not finish my days in a studio apt. He'll, I would even be open to finishing out the basement or adding HVAC, a crapper, and bedroom to the garage and moving out there! Yup, getting married was the biggest mistake I ever made. Dude. You accept perpetual misery to avoid living in a studio apartment? I think I would rather live on the street and beg, or in a cave and eat bugs, or even live in a monastery and stay celibate than live the life you describe. What if after divorce you should find the freedom to create the independent wealth and lifestyle you desire? Nah fuck it. To each his own. Just stay comfortable in hell. ? Too old to start over and spent too many years poor in my youth to choose returning to poverty. For me easier to put blinders on and ignore her and just view her as a shitty room mate. I lived with one or two as a young man and know how to make due. Just the lesser of two evils for me. To each his own, if bugs and a dirt floor cave work better for you more power to ya brother. I am too old for that shit. |
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heelots
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Post by heelots on Jan 2, 2022 10:22:59 GMT -5
Every interest and hobby I have in life are shop interests. It took me years to get a home with a detached shop for my hobbies. Honestly, I can spend most of my time in that shop never seeing my wife perfectly content immersed in my hobbies.
If I were to divorce it would also mean an end to the hobbies I so enjoy. Just because I stay in a crap marriage does not mean I am limited to sitting across the room watching TV with her seven days a week. I simply choose to spend most of my time away from her doing the hobbies I enjoy. For me, going back to a studio apartment and leaving behind every interest aside from my kids that I have in life really would be hell.
As we all know though, choices we make like this are very personal and certainly our own.
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creep
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Post by creep on Jan 2, 2022 11:11:44 GMT -5
Some other ridiculous claims of the ancients.
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Post by baza on Jan 2, 2022 17:09:58 GMT -5
Every interest and hobby I have in life are shop interests. It took me years to get a home with a detached shop for my hobbies. Honestly, I can spend most of my time in that shop never seeing my wife perfectly content immersed in my hobbies. If I were to divorce it would also mean an end to the hobbies I so enjoy. Just because I stay in a crap marriage does not mean I am limited to sitting across the room watching TV with her seven days a week. I simply choose to spend most of my time away from her doing the hobbies I enjoy. For me, going back to a studio apartment and leaving behind every interest aside from my kids that I have in life really would be hell. As we all know though, choices we make like this are very personal and certainly our own. I think that in our respective ILIASM situations, getting the marriage up to the status of a "functional room-mate situation" would be a huge step up. |
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 2, 2022 19:56:46 GMT -5
Some other ridiculous claims of the ancients. I actually like that message. Of course, there is nothing universally true about achieving goals, but there is something universal about failing to achieve goals that are never set in the first place. |
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