Holiday sex

Heelots, I see several cases of not walking away from responsibility on this forum. OTH sometimes people just get fed up with a spouse and resent him or her so much, that they leave. I suppose it comes down to tolerance and how annoying the spouse becomes. Staying or leaving depends on so many things.

In the middle of the night, I'd be removing the pillows.
Sends the signal "I got the hint, the pillows are not a force field. It's insulting that you think you need protection from me." (unless she uses them for comfort/back support and hasn't felt any need to explain)
Then again, I'm a lousy communicator. Words are so unsubtle, but so effective. Not my tool of choice. Trying to change that. Maybe you're a more sensible person than I am and ask her about the pillows. "Are these pillows a signal? You're safe, dear. Message received. You never needed them, but I'd be obliged if you acknowledged my self-restraint.")

Re: vacation sex-Over at "Dads Starting Over", the host posits that the home environment fills wives with thoughts of childcare and housework.
Spending time away from home removes everyday concerns and can redirect focus to other life aspects including the partner.
That may be happening with you.

If finances are a problem, perhaps a hotel not far from home and taking in a tourist destination as if on vacation might be enough to trigger the change of identity.

A frustrated participant on his forum complained that enormous effort is required every time if he wants to see the return of the spicy vixen he married.
DSO's reply: "Yup. Manning up is hard as work and that's what it takes. Bust your ass / spend a lot is what will be necessary. Make it happen."
This poor S.O.B. got delightfully attacked when he told her he got a promotion at work. (and how often can that happen?)

Makes the elaborate web of ruses, separate credit cards, a burner phone, and alibis of an affair sound like a cakewalk by comparison.
 

FWIW, twice a month is about half of a low-end normal sex life.
When things blossom between the two of you, that's kind of ahead of the curve for lengthy marriages such as yours.

"every blue moon" frequent sex doesn't sound much like a woman put off by your looks.
I'd be curious if the resumption of "normal" frequency coincides with certain times of month. Even past menopause such fluctuations can continue.
Might make sense to put off difficult discussions a few weeks if you know receptive times are afoot?
Basically... see if there's a pattern, start a calendar.

It bears examination, heelots , because it's hardly a unique response or sentiment to attack others as being "less of a man" for "walking away from responsibilities". It usually goes with a pious accusation that those whose marriages ended (no matter who ended it) see marriage as something to walk away from "easily", and some kind of self-favouring comparison in which one reveals that their own moral character is superior to those who left their marriages. A better person than them.

I've also seen (and made) the same rationale from people much younger and less invested (even to the point of a couple years and no kids) and with spouses who are empty nesters (several who are then surprised to find that their "happily celibate" spouses pinch off the relationship and shack up quickly with someone different.

I think a lot of the misfiring and miserable stalemating in these kinds of situations is about the framing of the problem and about an either/or fallacy.

Framing:
The sexually abandoned spouse sees it as a sex problem, and then weighs sexual satisfaction vs kids, family, house, a life together etc, and the prospects of awkward Christmases and sunk costs.  Framing it that way, who wouldn't try to work through it by jerking off or taking up gardening? What wouldn't you do to save the family?

But another view (sometimes triggered by the sex averse spouse leaving or having an affair, after all that effort is expended fruitlessly), is that the "sex problem" is actually a product of a relationship dysfunction - a terminal one. As in, something happened with the averse spouse's view of you that was so significant that it changed the way/role you play in her life. In other words, it's not just a problem she had with what you did, but rather a realization she has arrived at about you or the marriage to you, that fundamentally changes the way she sees you as a person. You are no longer a person that she sees as a viable sexual partner.  Doesn't mean she doesn't have a libido or needs that she is also subsuming for the same reasons of preserving the household as you (and that's a harsh toke, I know), but that you simply aren't, can't be, and will never be, a candidate for a serious ongoing sexual partner. Last man on Earth, kind of thing. Doesn't mean they can't like you, enjoy your qualities, or even love you. I still think of my ex-wife as a member of my extended family - I suppose it is a kind of love. It's still a relationship, but the expectations are different, you know?

And when you frame it like that - the size of it - it becomes a lot bigger than a matter of someone jerking off to get by every night. It's more about sleeping and feeling safe or "at home" in your home and your relationship with a person who thinks of you like that. Do I really want to go to bed and sleep beside someone who thinks of me in that way? Or rather, why would I want to? What's the benefit of it vs sleeping alone. And once you pull that thread, why spend time, activities, or Christmas or anything else - when you know they'd all rather not attend, and prefer to do their own thing - where it's not something you'd want to worry about?

Either/Or Fallacy
Once you pull the plug on a marriage, things can careen pretty quickly - the rules and courtesies all change and people can impose surprising changes in their level of disclosure and their process for dealing with conflict. But it doesn't NECESSARILY mean that everything is severed and that you lose everything.

There are people who navigate carefully through separation, guided by principles and mutual interest (and mutually assured destruction as well). If you (not you specifically, but someone leaving a marriage) are celibate - most likely your spouse is too - and both are trying to endure a dysfunctional marriage to preserve as much of the benefits of the relationship as possible - both sides being highly motivated and threatened by the loss of the marriage. Breaking up a marriage into component pieces doesn't mean you lose everything you gained, necessarily. There are trade-offs.

I, for example, still share ownership of a marital home while the kids still live here with me. We are deferring the sale until a bit later and treating it as an investment and a cost saving opportunity.
I have a separate bedroom for when I need to reside overnight in the home on my days, but mostly I'm out at my partner's house when my kids' mother is at the marital home for her days with them. My kids' mother has an apartment up the street (an arrangement I've seen more and more parents doing when houses are unaffordable). 
Bruce Willis and his extended family of ex-spouses and kids all go on vacation together.  That's high level (and celeb wealth funded), but consider that they are wealthy enough that they choose this and don't have to do it that way.
There are all kinds of things you have a potential to do in a separation that don't necessarily mean you lose the whole thing (and maybe that's not the case for you specifically - fair enough). 

But, a relationship "market correction" where both parties focus on preserving the practical benefits of a relationship while abandoning the lie and fantasy that you are both hoping to grow old and romantically together, can be a relief.  It's not without cost though - and despite the many many accusations from people who reject the prospect immediately - I've never seen it considered whimsically.

Since we're fleshing things out...
4a) Stay, but get your needs met without permission, but the spouse is aware.
4b) Stay, but get your needs met without permission, but the spouse is not aware.  (the most common form of open marriage)

heelots, it's a valid choice to stay. I came here still loving my wife, and searching for the solution to our clinically sexless marriage. I think we all do.

I understand the importance of family. Your wife may be like my ex, intent on a path of destruction and you may want to avoid that. It's a horrible catch-22, that one must remain in a relationship with someone that doesn't love them to keep from losing the family.