onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 60
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Feb 15, 2022 12:17:02 GMT -5
The thing that has surprised me the most about this site is how many SM women there are where the man is the refuser. I can’t speak for what women think but I can’t imagine a man not wanting sex. Only reason would be if they has some kind of ED or some other reason they had low confidence. I don’t get. What a bunch of idiots!
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Post by heelots on Feb 15, 2022 15:22:29 GMT -5
The thing that has surprised me the most about this site is how many SM women there are where the man is the refuser. I can’t speak for what women think but I can’t imagine a man not wanting sex. Only reason would be if they has some kind of ED or some other reason they had low confidence. I don’t get. What a bunch of idiots! Amen, what guy turns down sex? |
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Post by steve1968 on Feb 15, 2022 18:18:52 GMT -5
I'm with you, what a shock to see.
Although I do remember a news show piece years ago (was it 60 Minutes?) that was about men that don't have sex with their partners. One of the men profiled had married a (hot) exotic dancer and he wouldn't touch her anymore.
One of my good friends couldn't keep his wife pleased and was taking testosterone injections to help. That wasn't enough, so she opened the marriage. As you might expect, she kept busy - him, not so much.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 15, 2022 19:58:20 GMT -5
The thing that has surprised me the most about this site is how many SM women there are where the man is the refuser. I can’t speak for what women think but I can’t imagine a man not wanting sex. Only reason would be if they has some kind of ED or some other reason they had low confidence. I don’t get. What a bunch of idiots! I've seen a handful of possible causes: 1) Closeted gay. 2) Porn addiction (a fetish he cannot get off without and too embarrassing to share) 3) E.D., fear of failure scares him away, fear sabotages the effort, psyching himself out. 4) Affair partner steals his ardor. 5) Madonna / whore complex (my wife is the mother of my children, I can't treat her as a sex object!) (see #2 and 4) 6) Atherosclerosis is clogging his blood vessels causing #3 but perhaps reducing gonad health, reducing testosterone, and by consequence, libido. 7) Other medical issue causing body aches, weakness, shortness of breath, or other physical obstacle. No doubt I've forgotten some. |
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Post by ggold on Feb 15, 2022 20:54:48 GMT -5
When I would confront my H, he would say he couldn’t pinpoint it. I remember one time I was vacuuming and he was laying on the couch. I stopped vacuuming and made a move on him. He told me to keep vacuuming. Sex was very bland with him. I would ask him to go down on me and nope. Never would happen. Often, I would just cry after the deed was done. Heartbreaking. I just gave up. Stopped sleeping in the same bed.
It’s so sad. Our children haven’t really seen us sharing a bed. My oldest will be 19 tomorrow. I have told them it’s because he snores badly (He does have severe sleep apnea. He went to dr, got C-pap and never used it).
It wasn’t horrible always, but I realized early into my marriage that something wasn’t right. I stayed because I was young, hopeful, wanted children, didn’t want to give up. We adopted our three children and priorities shifted to them. We just ignored that our relationship was breaking more and more.
This past Oct was our 28th anniversary. We didn’t acknowledge it. We haven’t acknowledged anniversaries for several years now. Just another day.
Sigh. I am so lonely. Feel so broken. In anger the other day, I told him I can’t live this way and want to separate. It wasn’t a conversation, just an outburst. I need to make it a conversation. I need to move on. 😢
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Post by baza on Feb 15, 2022 22:11:16 GMT -5
This ILIASM group has been going about 5 years. And its' predecessor (Experience Project) quite a few years prior to that. There is no gender bias in the group, it's around half and half in the membership. And whereas it may be true that your spouse doesn't want to have sex with you, it doesn't follow that your spouse doesn't want sex generally. That is to say with a person other than you. And on the other side of the coin, you will see in many stories here the suppossed "refused" spouse is no longer interested in having sex with their spouse, but are still interested in having sex generally. Brother Apocrypha has written a lot on this subject, might be worth you having a look at his posts. |
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 16, 2022 3:40:28 GMT -5
One thing that is gender specific is the societal bias that men are the hunters and women are the gatekeepers. It allows men to make the excuse that all women are "like that", but women are likely to internalize that more, believing there is something wrong with them because their own husband I'd not pursuing them. All other things being equal, it's psychologically harder for women.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 16, 2022 6:34:39 GMT -5
... I told him I can’t live this way and want to separate. It wasn’t a conversation, just an outburst. I need to make it a conversation. I need to move on. It's been said here and there on ILIASM. One need not separate before moving on. Building the life you want after your marriage can begin now. Building the social circle and safety net. Contacting a lawyer for the free consultation. Looking at where you could afford to live or whether you'll have to get a roomie (as different roomie than your refuser.) A few ILIASM folk who separate cohabitate for financial reasons, so their lives stay together even as they build those new lives. Getting a few components of the new life may be a much easier step than "The Talk". Ironhamster spoke of the higher level of emotional turmoil from refused wives. If anyone's got 12 minutes 18 seconds, they might have a listen to " Untouchable" on the * REFUSED* podcast. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Feb 16, 2022 10:32:56 GMT -5
Fantastic post ironhamster! So much insight here One thing that is gender specific is the societal bias that men are the hunters and women are the gatekeepers. It allows men to make the excuse that all women are "like that", but women are likely to internalize that more, believing there is something wrong with them because their own husband I'd not pursuing them. All other things being equal, it's psychologically harder for women. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 16, 2022 13:20:24 GMT -5
There are lots of people I know, who I don't have sex with:
1) People who I am not attracted to, or who I am no longer attracted to sexually - this is a large group.
2) People who I find objectively attractive, but who I don't like personally, or who I have a grudge with. Or sometimes with my partner, when I'm angry with her or deeply upset with her. If it's intense or the duration is sufficiently extended without resolution, that can bump the aversion to level 1 - people who I'm just no longer attracted to sexually.
3) People who I like and might be attracted to, but the prospect of a relationship with them presents certain complications or risks I just don't want to deal with.
4) People who I like and am attracted enough to want sex with, but I don't enjoy the way they like to have sex and the level of apparent anxiety or personal issues they bring to it - to the extent that it seems the sex I have isn't worth what I have to deal with before or after having the sex.
None of these things are particularly rare or crazy. They are the most common things in the world, and marriage is no insurance against them at all. People overthink them when they find themselves married to someone and find themselves in a celibate situation. Before I'd get into testosterone issues or diagnoses, I think it's likely more helpful to rule these out first.
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 16, 2022 13:30:07 GMT -5
One thing that is gender specific is the societal bias that men are the hunters and women are the gatekeepers. It allows men to make the excuse that all women are "like that", but women are likely to internalize that more, believing there is something wrong with them because their own husband I'd not pursuing them. All other things being equal, it's psychologically harder for women. I doubt these claims. I have seen little evidence of them in marriage and in the dating world. What is the basis of your claim that it is harder for women? |
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 16, 2022 20:03:09 GMT -5
One thing that is gender specific is the societal bias that men are the hunters and women are the gatekeepers. It allows men to make the excuse that all women are "like that", but women are likely to internalize that more, believing there is something wrong with them because their own husband I'd not pursuing them. All other things being equal, it's psychologically harder for women. I doubt these claims. I have seen little evidence of them in marriage and in the dating world. What is the basis of your claim that it is harder for women? I think I have laid that out fairly clearly, even without referencing multiple double blind research studies. I am not saying it is true in every case that all women have it worse than all men. |
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