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Post by ddre202003 on Mar 9, 2022 11:05:50 GMT -5
This is so embarrassing to talk about. So I've been deprived for so long it's starting to physically hurt as well as emotionally and psychologically. I can count on one hand how many times I've had sex with my wife last year on one hand and so far only once this year (twice if you include the wet dream I had) and it wasn't enjoyable. I'm so far backed up that I had a wet dream and had to consult with my doctor because my testicular area hurts and they look bigger than usual (swelling). So I've been diagnosed with epididymal hypertension (blue balls in layman's term) and epididymitis am infection you get when sperm is built up in the testicals. I try to be productive and go to the gym and/or drive Uber after work (mainly because she quit her job, took a trip to vegas with her former co-worker friend and we have a son in private school) to keep myself busy but I need it (sex) so bad it hurts. I'm so sick of the excuses: "I have a headache", "I don't feel well", "Is that all you think about?", "tomorrow... I promise", and my favorite "you better use your hand"=which is why I don't masturbate because she says it to me with a look of disgust and it effects me psychologically. I'm the only who drives amd is licesned so I take the kids to the doctors/dental appointment and stuff like that in addition to where ever she goes... I feel like she's cheating on me again but I have no proof. What do I do???!!!
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 9, 2022 15:40:53 GMT -5
Welcome. You have a lot to unpack there but one statement screamed out to me.
"I feel like she's cheating on me again", are you saying she cheated on you in the past?
Read a lot of posts here and be open to questions and suggestions. There is no magic potion to solve your relationship issues. Only damn hard work.
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Post by steve1968 on Mar 9, 2022 17:04:17 GMT -5
I feel your pain. Five years since we did it here. Jacking off 3-4 times a week for me is my only good option at this point. Like you, I'm longing/searching/wishing for a better existence without flushing my life (as it were) down the commode.
Being amongst like minds on this forum has helped a bit, especially with the "am I odd or something for wanting it in my mid-60s?". I find myself dreaming about outsourcing, but perusing the forum helped me realize that one should really be prepared for the relationship to maybe blowup big time if that step is taken.
Good luck.
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Post by rejected101 on Mar 9, 2022 17:14:41 GMT -5
If she’s cheated already and then treats you like this you really should consider leaving. And I do mean, basically just leave.
Being left to jerk off as a means of dealing with desire is a nightmare. I lived it long enough and I can tell you are better off out.
When I used to jerk off I temporarily lost my desire to cum but never lost the desire to have together sex. It’s a short term solution only for me.
Do you self a favour, get out of it if at all possible and find someone that treats you well.
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Post by baza on Mar 9, 2022 17:31:50 GMT -5
It would be smart for you to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you brother ddre202003 . On the limited info in your post it looks like your deal is on a steep downward trajectory and at high risk of your missus giving you the arse as soon as she can do so. You'd do well to be prepared for such a scenario so you don't get blindsided. Whether she is cheating or not doesn't actually matter a real lot. There seems to be ample evidence that she is not much of a contributor to the dynamic as a wife - or even a room mate. The lack of sex appears to be just one of lots of problems in the deal. |
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 60
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Mar 9, 2022 18:34:46 GMT -5
Sorry you are going through this. I’m still going through it. From everything I have read from people actually going through it and my own experience I’ve come to the conclusion that it never gets better except for the very rare reset sex and that doesn’t last long. I’m still trying to find a good lawyer but I’m not sure if we are divorcing or not.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Mar 9, 2022 23:26:02 GMT -5
and it effects me psychologically. I'm the only who drives amd is licesned so I take the kids to the doctors/dental appointment and stuff like that in addition to where ever she goes... I feel like she's cheating on me again but I have no proof. What do I do???!!! You ask What do I do?? I am concerned how you are affected psychologically and I assure you it only gets worse as you are being used and it's hardest to see or understand when you are they spouse "in it". 1- Do a few things for you asap even if you have to dig deep to remember what you even like - and don't feel guilty if it feels selfish which it will at first. 2- Watch Evan Almighty and watch how Lauren Graham's character looks at and supports her husband. Know that there is real partner material out there. 3- take a drive and listen to music taking you to places when you had hope and were excited for life. Then go see a movie by yourself and do not apologize for not being home for everyone. 4- Watch Shawshank Redemption and be inspired to conspire toward getting busy living versus your state of being busy dying inside 5- Make the plan and just do it after you've taken Baza's advice. Your W has passed the point of no return and that ship sailed. You need new hope; an impossibility under this situation. |
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 10, 2022 7:02:37 GMT -5
If I might add, and keep in mind I am not a doctor, it's ok to bust a nut on your own, regularly. It's actually even a pretty good idea. Just be careful to do it in private, because I get funny looks in the Walmart television aisle... (joking, of course, on that last bit.)
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Post by ddre202003 on Mar 10, 2022 9:08:47 GMT -5
If I might add, and keep in mind I am not a doctor, it's ok to bust a nut on your own, regularly. It's actually even a pretty good idea. Just be careful to do it in private, because I get funny looks in the Walmart television aisle... (joking, of course, on that last bit.) Trust me... I want to handle it on my own but it keeps playing in my head her voice just sayiing "use your hand". And it just ruins the whole desire so... Yeah. |
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Post by h on Mar 10, 2022 13:13:38 GMT -5
and it effects me psychologically. I'm the only who drives amd is licesned so I take the kids to the doctors/dental appointment and stuff like that in addition to where ever she goes... I feel like she's cheating on me again but I have no proof. What do I do???!!! You ask What do I do?? I am concerned how you are affected psychologically and I assure you it only gets worse as you are being used and it's hardest to see or understand when you are they spouse "in it". 1- Do a few things for you asap even if you have to dig deep to remember what you even like - and don't feel guilty if it feels selfish which it will at first. 2- Watch Evan Almighty and watch how Lauren Graham's character looks at and supports her husband. Know that there is real partner material out there. 3- take a drive and listen to music taking you to places when you had hope and were excited for life. Then go see a movie by yourself and do not apologize for not being home for everyone. 4- Watch Shawshank Redemption and be inspired to conspire toward getting busy living versus your state of being busy dying inside 5- Make the plan and just do it after you've taken Baza's advice. Your W has passed the point of no return and that ship sailed. You need new hope; an impossibility under this situation. I love #2. That is just an amazing example and I would be hard pressed to top it. I like that quote from #4 too. |
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 10, 2022 17:16:25 GMT -5
If you are having a health issue, then self-gratify and deal with that, to start.
I used to avoid this because it was so emotionally fraught that I felt sad and lonely when I did that - but if you are at the point you described, quit "saving yourself" for an opportunity with her and deal with it yourself. You don't have a sexual relationship with anyone. You are celibate, not monogamous.
Read the many accounts here and familiarize yourself. Lots of good discussions that aren't really in self-help books. Real world, practical advice.
Sounds like she's on her way out - so you might want to get to a lawyer soon and figure out how a separation would work or what to avoid in your jurisdiction.
Cheating or not - you don't have a sexual relationship with that woman.
I found it beneficial, once I realized that, to take stock of my most successful divorced and single friends and do what they did. I invested in myself, got more fit, figured out how to dress better, enrolled in new activities that I'd never have done (I made a rule that I had to say Yes to things my friends suggested), invest in your friendships and make time for them, and make yourself busy doing things that interest YOU. Be an interesting person. If she wants to join you and you are cool with that, great, but don't sit on the sidelines waiting for her to join. You will be a better you, and down the road, that also opens options for you that might not be available in your present state.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 11, 2022 5:37:23 GMT -5
This is so embarrassing to talk about. So I've been deprived for so long it's starting to physically hurt as well as emotionally and psychologically. ...I've been diagnosed with epidydimal hypertension ....drive Uber after work (mainly because she quit her job, took a trip to Vegas with her former co-worker friend and we have a son in private school) to keep myself busy ..."you better use your hand" which is why I don't masturbate because she says it to me with a look of disgust and it effects me psychologically. ...I'm the only who drives and is licensed so I take the kids to the doctors/dental appointment and stuff like that in addition to where ever she goes... I feel like she's cheating on me again but I have no proof. What do I do???!!! Everyone else covered a lot of ground. You seem to have internalized her disgust. If I were in your shoes, I feel as though ignoring and attending to one's own sexual needs would make me feel all the more alone. Currently I treat masturbation like "grabbing a burger" between the 7 course meals that are intimacy with my wife. Without it, I get distracted by sexy thoughts and my eyes get caught in the gravitational pull of female bodies all around me. This annoys me no end, and I put a stop to it. You seem to have seen your sex drive as revolting because she does. A sex drive is a demonstration that your body is healthy and seeks to live as designed. Were you not married, you would approach women to engage in the quest for immortality (or at least pretend to with reliable birth control). This is normal. Your wife's physical implosion and decay is a sign if some kind of illness. You may support her recovery if she's interested, but you need not act as though you are as sickly as she. If you are inclined to tend to physical needs but self-criticism is a risk, might phone sex work? I've no experience at finding a partner in this venture, but engaging another person while attending to your tenacious sex drive may prevent some of the loneliness that may ensue. I could see how this wouldn't be enough, but maybe it would? Now for some really bad advice.... Stop driving her anywhere unless it is to help the household (grocery shopping she does while you do a different errand, to a part time job, to a training program). Maybe indulge her in a personal trip twice a week? Cancel joint credit cards. Send direct deposit to a separate bank account and set up an automatic transfer to your joint account she can use to pay for expenses including Uber rides she'll insist on taking when you stop being her chauffeur. Do not pay any credit cards she gets beyond what the transfer provides. Let her take the collection agent calls on her phone. (paid for with the joint account) Do you even have time for cable TV? Cancel subscriptions unless she wants it taken from the joint account. Kids watch TikTok anyway. ( they shouldn't) Less aerobics at the gym, more weights. Look for signs of approval from the ladies. Blush as you spot one checking you out and look away. Pick a night out of the house doing something with others (meetup.com) - okay this one isn't all that controversial. Find out what paperwork is necessary to enroll kids in public school next year. That private school money will be needed for a separate apartment if your wife pulls the pin on the grenade, which I think she will because you're not a spouse, you're not a friend, you're not even a roommate. You're her servant. Cut that shit out today. Her failing to contribute to the house or your happiness is causing these changes. They are steps towards basic justice and dignity. Your self-respect is there on the floor. Pick it up, dust it off, and put it on. I'm not sure how you were convinced to take it off, but her voice must never again cause you to be under her command. You'll do only that which you find useful and worthwhile, including serve others. Snide remarks used to extract unreasonable demands must become so much background noise like the yapping of a chihuahua. Irritating, but not to affect your actions. As always, baza 's Law applies; when you make dramatic changes to assert independence within marriage (usually outsourcing, but in your case, breaking your chains of enslavement), it makes sense to get some legal info on what divorce would look like and brace for impact. |
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 11, 2022 7:01:53 GMT -5
All good advice, mirrororchid. One detail on the gym. If they have classes, odds are they have classes full of women. As I was coming to grips with the state of the charade of my marriage, I started taking these classes, and it helped build my confidence level. One word of caution there is that they are harder than you expect the first time you join in, but, show up regularly and soon you will be keeping up. Speaking of coming to grips, I think of masterbation as a video game. Even when you have friends you enjoy playing with or against, sometimes you just want to play solo. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 14, 2022 4:50:55 GMT -5
All good advice, mirrororchid . One detail on the gym. If they have classes, odds are they have classes full of women. As I was coming to grips with the state of the charade of my marriage, I started taking these classes, and it helped build my confidence level. One word of caution there is that they are harder than you expect the first time you join in, but, show up regularly and soon you will be keeping up. Speaking of coming to grips, I think of masterbation as a video game. Even when you have friends you enjoy playing with or against, sometimes you just want to play solo. Yeah, but it's impossible to beat "The Boss" at the end of the level alone. Yet any time you want to invite over someone who also likes the game, your refuser says you can only play with them. Yet it's always, "my wrist hurts". "I have a blister on my thumb", "I can't memorize all those combination moves you're always telling me to try", Wait, we're still talking about video games, right? |
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