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Post by dallasgia on Jun 13, 2022 15:07:19 GMT -5
Appointment tomorrow. Been searching and scanning here for old posts on good questions to have in hand.
This will be my 3rd appointment since 2018.
Still scary.
Still feel like I lack the balls to do this.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 13, 2022 15:22:27 GMT -5
Congrats on getting first-hand advice!
I’d say… let the attorney do the talking; let them explain the current process and your likely outcome. Offer up details that may be relevant for kids, income, assets, and regular cashflow / lifestyle.
You won’t get all your questions answered in the first meeting. You’ll think of more later. By the time you meet with a 3rd attorney, your questions will be a lot more specific and you probably won’t have any leftover.
DC
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Post by sadkat on Jun 13, 2022 22:42:04 GMT -5
Appointment tomorrow. Been searching and scanning here for old posts on good questions to have in hand. This will be my 3rd appointment since 2018. Still scary. Still feel like I lack the balls to do this. Unfortunately, an attorney probably won't give you the balls to follow through. It didn't for me. Therapy definitely gave me the strength to initiate and follow through. I know I am beating a dead horse here but I would highly recommend you schedule an appointment with a therapist, if you are able. You just need to find your inner strength and there's no one better than a good therapist to help you do that. An attorney visit is still an excellent idea. You need to be educated on your options once you do gain the strength to leave. Good Luck! |
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 14, 2022 13:10:08 GMT -5
Bring financial data. Know what wealth is where.
What do you want to have. What can you live without. Does the family house go to you, get sold, or go to him. Who gets what in return.
Retirement assets. How will they be divided?
In my case, my ex got the house, and cash in lieu of my IRA. The 401k was split 50/50. I knew my ex would demand custody for our last child, and I felt it would be less disruptive for her to have continuity, there.
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 66
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Jun 16, 2022 0:28:59 GMT -5
Appointment tomorrow. Been searching and scanning here for old posts on good questions to have in hand. This will be my 3rd appointment since 2018. Still scary. Still feel like I lack the balls to do this. Goodluck Dallasgia. You sound like you have been absolutely miserable so you can do this and I'm pretty sure you'll be happy you did. As you can tell from my old posts I did alot of things not recommended to do, and except for the first stressful month, I've been ok. As I expected I am getting absolutely destroyed financially so my long term future a little scary but I still feel like this is better than being miserable and I'll be OK. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 16, 2022 6:49:46 GMT -5
How did your appointment go?
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onempty
Junior Member
I'm almost free...
Posts: 66
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by onempty on Jun 23, 2022 12:28:30 GMT -5
Hi Dallasgia. I hope you are ok. Kind of concerning you haven’t posted since the attorney meeting. I hope you are well.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 23, 2022 19:00:46 GMT -5
Hi, dallasgia. What did you learn at your appointment, and how much of it was unexpected? If it was your first sit-down, you probably left with a bunch more questions after just 30 mins, but I see you engaged an attorney pretty early-on when you first joined the site. A key point with Texas, as I understand it, is no required alimony (though it’s probably negotiable if you had other leverage). Did you get any guidance around this, and how does that influence your outlook? There should be some income from child support for your 2 youngest kids until they turn 18 / graduate high school, presuming you got around 50% custody. And after so many years, I’d expect all the assets to be split evenly, excepting perhaps an inheritance that he might have kept in his name alone. DC |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 24, 2022 5:43:57 GMT -5
Pasting a copy of shamwow 's advice on documenting assets if your spouse is less than forthcoming for anyone who finds this thread first: iliasm.org/post/143015 |
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Post by shamwow on Jun 24, 2022 14:41:55 GMT -5
Pasting a copy of shamwow 's advice on documenting assets if your spouse is less than forthcoming for anyone who finds this thread first: iliasm.org/post/143015This is actually good advice even if you think your spouse seems to be forthcoming. If your spouse drops dead you'll be glad you know what you have and where it is. |
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Post by dallasgia on Jul 1, 2022 21:59:49 GMT -5
Hi, dallasgia. What did you learn at your appointment, and how much of it was unexpected? If it was your first sit-down, you probably left with a bunch more questions after just 30 mins, but I see you engaged an attorney pretty early-on when you first joined the site. A key point with Texas, as I understand it, is no required alimony (though it’s probably negotiable if you had other leverage). Did you get any guidance around this, and how does that influence your outlook? There should be some income from child support for your 2 youngest kids until they turn 18 / graduate high school, presuming you got around 50% custody. And after so many years, I’d expect all the assets to be split evenly, excepting perhaps an inheritance that he might have kept in his name alone. DC Hello - sorry slow reply - juggling HS graduation & wedding shower & life. This was actually my 3rd attorney visit. I’ve been sneaking up on this leaving thing for far too long. Far tooooo long. No real surprises. Any financial transactions done inside the marriage are assumed consensual by courts - my only financial protections are if I file. Since I am unwilling to file until after the kids wedding - I just remain vulnerable. But, that’s okay with me. The breaking up of the family and the setting fire to the kids world and the timing of that holds more weight for me. The wedding shower here in Tx brought those out of town kids into town and they got to see again the conditions of this “marriage”. There were conversations had amongst the kids and I’m privy to just a touch but I believe the consensus among my 4 and the soon to be daughter in law - they are all exhausted by it too. There is a holding of the breath amongst the entire family waiting for the last shoe to fall. The family is already divided. The kids already have to deal with us separately knowing there is zero flow of information amongst their parents. My youngest is 18 so not dealing with child support. No alimony in Tx. The attorney told me to plan for 8 months of hell & supporting myself. “Probably” would get court order for him to continue to fund the empire but be prepared for my credit to be trash cause that is the way the game is played. I don’t want the house so I would be the one leaving. Gather documents and anything dear to me - anything I leave behind plan on never seeing again. Just an overall rosie pic that leaves me wondering if leaving is worth it. And, then, I’m 50. Spent a sexless decade - maybe after a few years that won’t even matter to me anymore - what’s done is done. The gaslighting and tantrums and emotional frigidity maybe I get used to for the sake of the kids & health insurance. I kinda feel like that main character in Along Came Polly - assessing risk to the point I surrender living life. What would I do with myself if every day I was not ruminating over how to leave. What then would I think about? I have the plan in place and im still working it. I made it to youngest graduation so check that box. I’ve got to get out from under my side gig job obligations (cause it requires this house) and will check that box Aug 14. Then, the wedding on Oct 2. If I don’t leave then - somebody just shoot me. I am so grateful for this forum and the ability to vent and receive wisdom from y’all. DallasG |
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Post by sadkat on Jul 1, 2022 22:51:12 GMT -5
Well DallasG, you know what you need to do if/when you decide it's time to end the M. That's a solid plus. Your kids want to see you happy and will support you any way they can. It's a shame your credit will be destroyed- that won't be fun. There is no denying that splitting up, leaving the house, and going into the great unknown is scary as hell. The first year is a mess of emotions and a series of roller coasters. The plus side of leaving? You grow stronger. You are happier. You find yourself again and are content with your life. You will open yourself up to welcome that person who gets you and wants what's best for you. You get all those things.... if you find the courage to leave. What will you get (truly) if you stay?
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 2, 2022 12:24:24 GMT -5
The attorney told me to plan for 8 months of hell & supporting myself. “Probably” would get court order for him to continue to fund the empire but be prepared for my credit to be trash cause that is the way the game is played. I don’t want the house so I would be the one leaving. Gather documents and anything dear to me - anything I leave behind plan on never seeing again. Just an overall rosie pic that leaves me wondering if leaving is worth it. And, then, I’m 50. Spent a sexless decade - maybe after a few years that won’t even matter to me anymore - what’s done is done. The gaslighting and tantrums and emotional frigidity maybe I get used to for the sake of the kids & health insurance. I kinda feel like that main character in Along Came Polly - assessing risk to the point I surrender living life. Wow… yeah, dallasgia, you’ve got a lot going on in life right now! Kudos for being able to keep your priorities straight. I can sympathize with not tainting your son’s wedding with the drama of a divorce. (Then again, there is some irony / ignored warnings with getting married in the face of your parents’ marriage deteriorating. I’m one to talk!) When you get to the point that the kids are rooting for a divorce, it seems like all that’s left is to pull the lever. I was there with my parents’ marriage; they didn’t divorce, and I still wish they had. My dad has endured a 50-year marriage that sucked the soul out of him and destroyed his retirement. But I also see how it can happen. I endured 100-mile commutes for years; it really sucked for the first couple years, but then you get into a groove where you find ways to cope and it becomes “normal”. It’s not until I stopped that I realized how much of my life I regained by deleting hours a day behind the wheel. In reality, the terms in Texas seem overly harsh - on the opposite extreme end of the spectrum compared to most of the US. I’m surprised to hear that you could get a judgement of alimony of sorts - how is that determined in the face of Texas’ “no alimony” reputation? In the meantime, have you built up an income that could sustain you going forward? You mention a side gig that’ll disappear with the house - is there a main gig? As we’ve seen here with some others, it’s a common tactic for the controlling spouse to “starve out” the dependent spouse during the divorce, denying access to money needed for survival and legal costs. Lesson there is to secure access to enough cash before filing or hope for an emergency ruling for interim expenses. Wishing you strength through your milestones and your decisions! DC |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 3, 2022 17:14:33 GMT -5
The attorney told me to plan for 8 months of hell & supporting myself. “Probably” would get court order for him to continue to fund the empire but be prepared for my credit to be trash cause that is the way the game is played. I don’t want the house so I would be the one leaving. Gather documents and anything dear to me - anything I leave behind plan on never seeing again. Just an overall rosie pic that leaves me wondering if leaving is worth it. And, then, I’m 50. Spent a sexless decade - maybe after a few years that won’t even matter to me anymore - what’s done is done. The gaslighting and tantrums and emotional frigidity maybe I get used to for the sake of the kids & health insurance. I kinda feel like that main character in Along Came Polly - assessing risk to the point I surrender living life. Wow… yeah, dallasgia, you’ve got a lot going on in life right now! Kudos for being able to keep your priorities straight. I can sympathize with not tainting your son’s wedding with the drama of a divorce. (Then again, there is some irony / ignored warnings with getting married in the face of your parents’ marriage deteriorating. I’m one to talk!) When you get to the point that the kids are rooting for a divorce, it seems like all that’s left is to pull the lever. I was there with my parents’ marriage; they didn’t divorce, and I still wish they had. My dad has endured a 50-year marriage that sucked the soul out of him and destroyed his retirement. But I also see how it can happen. I endured 100-mile commutes for years; it really sucked for the first couple years, but then you get into a groove where you find ways to cope and it becomes “normal”. It’s not until I stopped that I realized how much of my life I regained by deleting hours a day behind the wheel. In reality, the terms in Texas seem overly harsh - on the opposite extreme end of the spectrum compared to most of the US. I’m surprised to hear that you could get a judgement of alimony of sorts - how is that determined in the face of Texas’ “no alimony” reputation? In the meantime, have you built up an income that could sustain you going forward? You mention a side gig that’ll disappear with the house - is there a main gig? As we’ve seen here with some others, it’s a common tactic for the controlling spouse to “starve out” the dependent spouse during the divorce, denying access to money needed for survival and legal costs. Lesson there is to secure access to enough cash before filing or hope for an emergency ruling for interim expenses. Wishing you strength through your milestones and your decisions! DC I guess harsh is in the eye of the beholder. I got divorced just about 5 years ago and paid about $110k on child support. My kids had a good home with their mom when she was there, and I fully endorse that. Now the kids have graduated high school I am paying for all of their college. I don't feel bound to keep up my ex's lifestyle in perpetuity. I did pay for an undergraduate education as well as a masters in a field that she doesn't want to (but certainly could) work in anymore. To be honest, a large portion of what I paid in child support was used for her. Now the child support has ended she is downgrading her lifestyle. Funny how that works sometimes. Of course every situation is different. But I feel that mine was fair to both parties, more importantly to the kids who didn't have to deal with material deprivation. I compare my situation to, for example, ironhamster and am grateful I'm on this side of the spectrum. |
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Post by nyartgal on Jul 3, 2022 21:04:23 GMT -5
50 is really young!! Do you want to spend another 25-30 years with this guy? Seems like almost anything would be more enjoyable. Eating crackers in a single bed in a studio apartment sounds like heaven by comparison to staying in a dead, dysfunctional marriage...to me anyway...
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