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Post by sweetplumeria on Aug 20, 2022 2:39:42 GMT -5
Nature or nurture? Was sexlessness passed onto our refusers from their upbringing? Are we passing it on to our kids? As a mom and a refused - what can be said, if anything, to a son preparing to get married? Is there anything appropriate to say to a son from a mom. Any advise on how to prevent the same in his future? By staying as a refused spouse for decades … what has been passed on to the kids? The subtlety of living with parents that don’t interact, hug, kiss, or even have eye contact - the kids pick up on the unspoken language of their parents relationship. Spent so many years trying to keep the family together for their sake and now like flipping a switch consumed with worry about what this has done for the legacy of my now adult kids. And, round and round this shitty lifestyle churns in my head. I feel you. 2 boys, oldest just had first anniversary. My son and his wife both made comments like, we made it. I worry. |
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Post by cbsurvives on Sept 11, 2022 6:23:11 GMT -5
I’m an old member of this group, since 2012. I visit periodically, inconsistently. I’ve been thinking a lot lately of something an old English prof said: “show, not tell.” I worry still that my loveless marriage has harmed my kids. That they will struggle, more so, to navigate the challenges of intimate relationships. It will be years before I will have the bird’s eye view of their long term relationships. They are only 13 and 18. The 18 year old a year into their first serious relationship. BUT I hope they see me choosing me now. And maybe one day see me in a healthy intimate relationship. I hope to *show* them. And keep the lines of communication open, so that if they want to talk about how to navigate relationships, they will. However, I feel they will learn by watching. And that it’s not too late. “Show, not tell.” My youngest turns 16 soon. I divorced her mother 2 years ago, who almost succeeded in turning her and big sis against me. A client turned dear friend who is a woman told me I need to take her out on the town and “SHOW her how she should be treated” I take this to mean I need to spend quality time with her, shower her with praise, maybe even a bit of [platonic] “flirting” in order to turn upward the corners of her mouth. SHOW her respect. Demonstrate how valued she is. SHOW her what sincere admiration from a man feels like, so that when she encounters a suitor who does not honor her in this way she may politely instruct him to GET THE FUCK AWAY. Thoughts? the weirdo formerly known as padgemi  |
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Post by sadkat on Sept 11, 2022 22:12:54 GMT -5
cbsurvives : welcome back! We missed you! I hope the last year was good to you. I tend to agree with your friend- it is important to show your 16 year old how she should expect to be treated. Making sure she understands how special she is and that she cannot waste her life on someone who will not cherish her as she deserves. At the same time, she should also understand how important intimacy is to a marriage. I think this is my biggest worry with my son- his dad and I were not good examples of intimate partners. There is no frame of reference. How do we make sure this doesn't happen with our children?
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 12, 2022 6:38:35 GMT -5
... “SHOW her how she should be treated” I take this to mean I need to spend quality time with her, shower her with praise, maybe even a bit of [platonic] “flirting” in order to turn upward the corners of her mouth. SHOW her respect. Demonstrate how valued she is. SHOW her what sincere admiration from a man feels like, so that when she encounters a suitor who does not honor her in this way she may politely instruct him to GET THE FUCK AWAY. Thoughts? the weirdo formerly known as padgemi Great to see you. Good plan. Having a night out with dad as an option may make not being paired up manageable until someone worthwhile happens along. It's the L in HALT. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Four states of mind that lead to bad decisions. Have dinner with an espresso watching puppy videos together on her phone, you run the gamut. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 6, 2023 7:52:12 GMT -5
ADDENDA ADDENDA 2: (8/1/2022) -Planning a good marriage should probably be a lot more like planning a war against a superior enemy, rather than a party. Face the prospect with trepidation, resolve, gritted teeth, a mental flak jacket, and a sense of purpose that any hardship will be worth the price of the principle. Is your buddy in the foxhole with you up to it? It has to be okay to admit to yourself that they aren't. -Shit, I forgot the other one. I'll be back. This is a really good take on the reality of what marriage can really be like. This or some form of this should be a pre-requisite of pre-marriage counselling. And what about #3? Did you ever remember it or did you forget you forgot about it? |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 9, 2023 5:19:41 GMT -5
ADDENDA ADDENDA 2: (8/1/2022) -Planning a good marriage should probably be a lot more like planning a war against a superior enemy, rather than a party. Face the prospect with trepidation, resolve, gritted teeth, a mental flak jacket, and a sense of purpose that any hardship will be worth the price of the principle. Is your buddy in the foxhole with you up to it? It has to be okay to admit to yourself that they aren't. -Shit, I forgot the other one. I'll be back. This is a really good take on the reality of what marriage can really be like. This or some form of this should be a pre-requisite of pre-marriage counselling. And what about #3? Did you ever remember it or did you forget you forgot about it? Oh, mercy-my, no. Both things: Gone. *poof* Refunds available at the box office. |
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