Legacy of ILIASM

I'm no parent, but I wouldn't sugar coat it. I'd point blank say if one of you wants it and the other doesn't, get ready for depression and resentment at best. And if you have any, ANY inkling that you aren't on the same page in that arena, RUN. I know a lot of people stay together for the kids, but kids are smart. My mom tried to keep everything about her miserable marriage from me when I was 10, and I knew her husband was cheating on her before she did. 
J

dallasgia, I’d say… the way you’ve interacted with your kids has more impact than the example they’ve seen in your relationship. If you’ve had a loving, hugging, communicative relationship with your kids, I think that does more to shape their perception of normal than anything else.

But that’s water under the bridge… what can you suggest to a soon-to-be-wed offspring?

1) Wait for kids. Get the marital relationship and financial foundation solidly sorted first, and pull the plug if that fails.

2) Spouse is higher priority than children. Yes, kids are important, but they *can* be a bottomless pit of time and attention; if you become slave to the kids, your marriage will starve. (At the same time, kids need to learn independence and consequences more than they need helicopter parenting.)

3) Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. Make sure you have both, and never allow bad behaviors to take root.

4) Communication is paramount; fighting fairly is an essential skill to keep the air clear. Be vocal about your wants and concerns, and call out bad behavior; don’t allow problems to continue just to keep the peace and avoid an argument. Go to marriage counseling before you need it; even better, start before you get married.

5) Separate finances; keep control over what you earn. Community property doesn’t mean unfettered access. You don’t have to relinquish control to be a team player, and some amount of autonomy needs to be preserved; not everything requires a committee decision.

6) Challenge yourself to become world-class at oral sex. OK, yeah… this one probably can’t come from Mom. ;-) But somebody needs to tell him this! Maybe that uncle who has no verbal filter?

DC

What I'd want to say could badly undermine their romance/marriage plans.
I bet it's the same for you.

Marriage is forever.
For-effing-ever.
Do you grasp that, son? To hell with optimism. With eyes wide open. If this person changes in ways you really don't like, do you grasp that you're committing to stay with them anyway? Changed so much you never would have picked them if you had to do it all over again.

Because that's what happens in 90% of marriages.
Half of the time, they decide they won't stay together.
Sometimes that's a very good decision. The promise was a very foolish one to make and should not not not be kept.
Other times, they divorce and end up with someone almost the exact same.

Marriage is forever because it's a promise. Your word is on the line. We don't promise forever for much of anything else. Marriage is an impossibly reckless decision expected of children 18-30 and this from a guy married at 29.

the 40% of marriages that don't break up but are couples that would never connect if you introduced them today are a mixture of strangers and frenemies. Some of them avoid each other's company but keep the promise because they made it. They may even be there for each other if absolutely necessary and that, may I tell you, is no small thing.
Some of them should avoid each other and don't. They argue, nitpick, scream, and criticize. Hardly a nice word to say to each other.

A step up from these poor sods are those that get together for dinner quite cordially, enjoy a movie together but have a distance between them you didn't expect. They have their own lives and interests. Interests and occupations and time commitments they collected over decades of marriage. New interests unforeseen and not shared. Some people marry due to what they have in common, but such things should be based on values, morals, or other abstract concepts. Hobbies and activities come and go, or may be crowded out of busy schedules, or replaced with new interests not shared.

The last 10% who did it right are there for each other in little ways, temper their passions for the outside interests and people, and find common ground that isn't necessarily easy to spot. They'll emphasize the things they have left and bask in the nostalgia of their common history. Each other's happiness remains important to them both. 

My numbers may be off. The important part is to ask yourself what you'd be doing in each circumstance, whether you discover you are not up for the effort required to invest in each other for 80 or more years (medical science means your son will live to triple digits, almost guaranteed) and when you make your vows, are you going to make promises that are reasonable to expect you to keep for three to four time longer than you've been alive.

You don't marry a person, you marry marriage. You forge that bond with full awareness that it may not be what you think it'll be. More likely than not it isn't. 
You'll do it anyway.
If that sounds insane, it is. 

Let's have this talk again next month.

First draft of sh*tting on marriage, complete.
Please print out and line the bird cage.

I am reminded of a Bill Cosby story, when he asked his father, "Dad, I'm going to get married. Can you help me?" And his father replied "No."

When my eldest was getting ready to get married, I sat down with her and gave her food for thought. Marriage may well not be forever, and that is ok, was one topic. I told her about issues with my marriage, which had not yet fallen apart, but explained a lot. She was a headstrong young woman intent on getting married young. I figured, I can't stop her, but I can give her the attitude she needs to not get trapped, and if it all falls apart I would be there to catch her. The marriage lasted about ten months.

dallasgia, do what you can to prepare your son. He may have noticed things about your marriage and revealing a bit more might give him the insights he needs to navigate through this.

And this spoke to me…

This is the important part. They don't need to see you in a healthy intimate relationship, only to know you won't accept less than what you deserve! Having said that, there is plenty of time for them to see you in that relationship! [/quote]


Ah. Yes, I agree deadzone75. It’s late and I’m fuzzy. This is most important: choosing yourself. That “speaks” volumes.

As a parent, a child of divorced parents, who just moved a college freshman into
his own place, all you can do is to be present, and supportive in your child's life. The
world, life, people and relationships are never perfect. It takes 2 to make things
work, you can't change people and you are only responsible for your own actions.
Adults and children in many cases need to learn things for themselves and sometimes
parents are not a preferred/desired source of wisdom. Listen, Love and Support. Pray and Hope
if you like. It may take many years for them to see and/or appreciate what parents did
or didn't do. Share experiences, supply stability, listen and talk when the opportunity arrives.
Love them unconditionally, but don't support self destruction. Be a parent not a friend.
We are all looking for ideals, but that is not reality. There are different kinds of people,
families and relationships, but none are perfect. Learning patients, tolerance, acceptance and
setting boundaries are lifelong pursuits. 62+ and still working on it.