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Post by lost90 on Sept 6, 2022 19:24:56 GMT -5
Hi, I am a 32yo (f) and my spouse 37yo (m). We have been married just over a year and together for almost 3 years. This is my second marriage and his first. Our relationship started out hot and heavy. He couldn’t keep his hands off me. When i was about 6 mo. pregnant it all stopped. I thought it may be changes in job, getting older, stress off a new baby, etc. We started testosterone therapy and had a health check up. His stress was managed. After a while it made me feel heavily rejected, unattractive, unloved..i communicated these feelings to him as gently as possible. He rejected those needs. Made me feel like something was wrong with me for caring about our sex life. It hasn’t been completely sexless. We average 4 times a month having sex but there is no intimacy. And it’s only on his terms. I’ve begged and pleaded. At this point, I am so emotionally raw and hurt that I’ve acted out of character for myself. I never thought I would be barely over a year into marriage dealing with these issues. Although, I’ve had a baby, my body didn’t change. I’m still the same person he claimed to fall in love with physically and mentally..just a little more broken. We tried counseling and he quit. He was watching porn and I caught him (so he does still have sexual urges). He quit watching it but that didn’t improve our sex life either. This is not the life i expected to have…i have felt so lost without that connection we had.
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Post by baza on Sept 6, 2022 20:31:13 GMT -5
Although your story is a very common one Sister lost90 , it has one major difference - that being your ages (in the 30's) Usually members appear here when they are about 10 years on from where you are. This is a good thing because - (a) - if there's any chance of your deal being recoverable, the sooner you get into that process the better. (b) - if it turns out to not be recoverable, then you are both young enough to respectfully dismantle the marriage and start again. At this stage I'd suggest you start reading extensively in here just to get a handle on what you are dealing with. Only rarely is it "just the sex" that's the problem. Welcome, hope you get some value out of the group.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 7, 2022 0:14:21 GMT -5
My guess is "Madonna Whore Syndrome." I don't have a lot of faith in counseling, but this is a situation where professional help might pay off. If it doesn't, keep in mind you need to look after yourself and your new little one. Don't stay too long if he isn't making progress.
In a nutshell, in some men, they feel that the pure woman they loved is now tainted as being a mother. If it sounds crazy, well, it kind of is. If you do an internet search in it, there should be plenty to read.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 7, 2022 6:29:35 GMT -5
Hi, I am a 32yo (f) and my spouse 37yo (m). We have been married just over a year and together for almost 3 years. This is my second marriage and his first. Our relationship started out hot and heavy. He couldn’t keep his hands off me. When i was about 6 mo. pregnant it all stopped. I thought it may be changes in job, getting older, stress off a new baby, etc. We started testosterone therapy and had a health check up. His stress was managed. After a while it made me feel heavily rejected, unattractive, unloved..i communicated these feelings to him as gently as possible. He rejected those needs. Made me feel like something was wrong with me for caring about our sex life. It hasn’t been completely sexless. We average 4 times a month having sex but there is no intimacy. And it’s only on his terms. I’ve begged and pleaded. At this point, I am so emotionally raw and hurt that I’ve acted out of character for myself. I never thought I would be barely over a year into marriage dealing with these issues. Although, I’ve had a baby, my body didn’t change. I’m still the same person he claimed to fall in love with physically and mentally... just a little more broken. We tried counseling and he quit. He was watching porn and I caught him (so he does still have sexual urges). He quit watching it but that didn’t improve our sex life either. This is not the life i expected to have… I have felt so lost without that connection we had. To help focus the issues, may I ask a few questions? First, here's a link to IronHamster's suggested theory: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complexThis had occurred to me too, but the vibe I get is that he's not considerate of your physical loneliness. Does he discourage your sexual expression? 'You're a mother now, you're supposed to leave that behind.' kind of sentiment? Is the sense that he thinks you should consent to it, but not want it? You say you haven't changed, he thinks you're wrong and wants you to behave as if you have? ( ILIASM MEMBERS: Anyone know if Madonna-Whore complex shows up when the man finds out about the pregnancy or does it start when she's starting to appear pregnant?) Was the pregnancy planned? Were both okay with it? Was either of your stressed/worried/reluctant/regretful? Any talk of not being pregnant? Married before or after pregnancy? Any reason voiced for quitting counseling? Could this be part of it? ( www.drpsychmom.com/2015/09/20/why-men-dont-want-to-go-to-couples-counseling/) "4 times a month having sex but there is no intimacy. And it’s only on his terms. I’ve begged and pleaded." Five minute quickies? You've begged and pleaded for what? Can you be more specific? (forgive me if he's asked this same question and it's frustrating....Forgive me if he's never asked and you'd love for him to.) Is the weekly sex a result of you asking? Does it change for the worse if you don't? Do you get the impression he treats his own sexual engagement with you as a "necessary evil"? What's his demeanor like immediately after coupling? What did you discuss about his porn watching? Why are you sure he stopped?
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Post by h on Sept 9, 2022 9:27:15 GMT -5
Hi lost90 and welcome to the club nobody wants to be a part of. It's sad that you're here, but awesome that you found us as soon as you did. Being so early in the marriage, you have the best shot at resolving the problem. It's going to take a solid will and resolve to see it through though. You tried counseling and he quit. You tried pleading with him but he ignored you. You have to force his hand and make an ultimatum. Either he starts taking your needs seriously or the marriage is in danger. Don't do this unless you're actually willing to follow through on it though. Empty threats will shred your credibility and he won't take you seriously anymore. Don't bluff. Be serious.
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Post by Apocrypha on Oct 3, 2022 12:00:12 GMT -5
I found a rapid decrease in my own partners initiation, frequency of sex, and quality of sex - with each plummet correlating with a significant investment in the marriage. The first plunge correlated with the wedding itself - starting that night and holding. The second plunge with the first pregnancy and then after my baby was born, spanning the next two years. The next plunge and flatline occurred with the second pregnancy.
I think people tend to focus on the pregnancies and physical aspects - but in your case (as with many) - that doesn't seem to fit. What most people overlook though, are the symbolic escalations in relationship investment that come with each of those milestones.
It's common for intimacy averse partners to say they feel "trapped". My epitaph for nosey relatives about the demise of my own marriage was "It's hard to be married to a single woman," and my tummy says that fits here. As in, forget about the pregnancy etc for a moment and focus on the marriage and pre. You and your husband had a wedding. But did he actually JOIN you in marriage? Or was that the point where he began pushing back - as with my own?
A lot of people "go with the flow" with marriage, and end up saying "yes" to marriage when they really don't feel all in, when they've never had their "come to Jesus moment". For me, when I had that moment, it was like the last act in a RomCom when the male lead realizes the best friend/nerdy girl in glasses is really the hot one and the one who has been there for him, and in that moment, he sees her differently. He arrives fully present and ready to go in the relationship.
But if that moment never arrives and isn't actually wanted, then every additional tether and symbol of your union (moving to a new town, buying a house, having a baby, having a wedding etc) becomes a further emblem of being trapped. And the sex becomes the battleground, because it can't be ignored.
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Post by holdstrong24 on Nov 10, 2022 17:18:55 GMT -5
Hi, I am a 32yo (f) and my spouse 37yo (m). We have been married just over a year and together for almost 3 years. This is my second marriage and his first. Our relationship started out hot and heavy. He couldn’t keep his hands off me. When i was about 6 mo. pregnant it all stopped. I thought it may be changes in job, getting older, stress off a new baby, etc. We started testosterone therapy and had a health check up. His stress was managed. After a while it made me feel heavily rejected, unattractive, unloved..i communicated these feelings to him as gently as possible. He rejected those needs. Made me feel like something was wrong with me for caring about our sex life. It hasn’t been completely sexless. We average 4 times a month having sex but there is no intimacy. And it’s only on his terms. I’ve begged and pleaded. At this point, I am so emotionally raw and hurt that I’ve acted out of character for myself. I never thought I would be barely over a year into marriage dealing with these issues. Although, I’ve had a baby, my body didn’t change. I’m still the same person he claimed to fall in love with physically and mentally..just a little more broken. We tried counseling and he quit. He was watching porn and I caught him (so he does still have sexual urges). He quit watching it but that didn’t improve our sex life either. This is not the life i expected to have…i have felt so lost without that connection we had. wow, I’m really sorry. This sounds so sad. I know for me I have masturbated to porn as I’ve been in this sexless hell. But I don’t anymore, at least it’s very rare. There’s always a feeling of guilt and it is definitely unsatisfying to me. I miss being wanted. I guess the rejection is really tough to deal with. I’m saddened to see so many women wanting sex with their husbands on here. I would be so broken-hearted if my wife felt that way. I’ve made it my duty to satisfy her in every way possible. It’s a hard place to be, for sure.
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Post by theexplorer on Dec 2, 2022 12:45:48 GMT -5
It may be a good idea to look into the legal ramifications of divorce in your area. (The laws vary from place to place.) The reason for suggesting this is in some places, the length of time you are married affects the outcome of the divorce.
In my case, there was a small window of time after my wife cut off the sex, that I could have left with minimal financial consequences. Unfortunately I was unaware of the laws regarding this back then, so I did NOT chose to escape during that time. Leaving now would be vastly more expensive! (I have recently been reconsidering the idea though!)
There is a lot of great advice on this website. There are many, many factors to consider in the decisions you will be making over the coming months. Marriage and children affect many of the areas in our lives. I would encourage you to attempt to consider and weigh all of these factors in the decisions you make. This is easier said than done in my experience!
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Post by sweetplumeria on Dec 4, 2022 11:15:12 GMT -5
As my cousin once told me: no decision is still a decision
That stung smartly.
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