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Post by dallasgia on Oct 18, 2022 14:10:30 GMT -5
Welp, I made it to the kids wedding. That was the date line drawn in the sand. It feels like the right decision. Now, I feel a huge weight off of me. I am rereading all the escape stories here. Mustering courage and formulating the plan.
I see so many of you are “everything is great except the no sex thing”. That is not my story. I live with a man who can barely tolerate me. At this point there is zero reasons to stay except the big financial one. Listening to the grim recession news on TV gives me pause. But, maybe I just keep making excuses.
I feel like I need a good rip roaring argument where I can just pick up my keys and leave. I need courage. I want a good leave story.
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Post by jim44444 on Oct 18, 2022 15:40:29 GMT -5
No need for a story. No need for a rip roaring argument. You need only decide if your life will be better without him or with him. You already know what you have and will have with him. Would living alone be better?
Tough choices.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 18, 2022 20:48:19 GMT -5
Just a suggestion. It's not necessarily courage but if you rent a place before you tell him you will be more likely to go through with it. You could even start moving in a little before you tell him. Packing while they watch you is not fun. But if as you say he can't stand you maybe it won't be an issue
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Post by sadkat on Oct 18, 2022 21:45:54 GMT -5
You are ready to take that leap dallasgia . Gain strength from the people you care about (and who care about you) and take the first step. That is always the hardest. The rest will fall into place.
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Post by deadzone75 on Oct 19, 2022 13:06:57 GMT -5
I agree with what everyone has said to this point. You don't need a perfect leave story. It might be a terrible leave story, but the main objective is just getting out. Plus, from what you've described of this ass already, it's possible he is also planning a move (hiding stacks of cash here and there). Better to make yours before he makes his.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 19, 2022 13:11:03 GMT -5
It sounds like you have already made up your mind.
Whats left to decide is timing. Maybe just sort out the details and put a timeline together.
Picture this:
You are in front of the door that leads to the rest of your life and whatever you want to include or not include in that life. By walking through that door you are leaving behind things you have already said goodbye to. What is holding you back from opening that door and walking through?
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 20, 2022 6:10:47 GMT -5
Welp, I made it to the kids wedding. That was the date line drawn in the sand. It feels like the right decision. Now, I feel a huge weight off of me. I am rereading all the escape stories here. Mustering courage and formulating the plan. I see so many of you are “everything is great except the no sex thing”. That is not my story. I live with a man who can barely tolerate me. At this point there is zero reasons to stay except the big financial one. Listening to the grim recession news on TV gives me pause. But, maybe I just keep making excuses. I feel like I need a good rip roaring argument where I can just pick up my keys and leave. I need courage. I want a good leave story. A wise woman once said: iliasm.org/post/143106/thread".. . Spouse does revolve our debt around and has cc cards in only my name. He moves debt from one interest free balance transfer to the next. As luck would have it, the debt on the card in only my name was just moved to his. Taking this opportunity to call and close that card. Perfect timing, perfect advice.
I can try to lock down my credit but if he discovers this it will be a big red flag.
I recognize that I am in real serious financial trouble. I have very low financial IQ. The mountain I must climb here is steep.
Peace has a price. I am willing to pay." Maybe locking down your credit would cause that argument you want. Any other prep left? You have some idea where assets are, if I recall properly. (Don't tell him what you know. Hiding assets from a judge will potentially produce a ruling in your favor.) Is the debt situation bad enough to merit bankruptcy? You may qualify without his income and it may be a wise move. How's your support network? You have friends to grab a coffee with? Have any meetups nearby? Have you started going to some already? Started or restarted some hobbies? Have some charity work available and initiated? Have a therapist who's been notified of the incoming mortar round? Got an extra session planned? Failing that, a buddy to vent to who knows you may ask for a bit of TLC in the coming month or two? If you've been through all of these, apologies. The stories blend in my head. I blame COVID. Nevermind that I was a lot like this already. Just hoping to suggest a universal bailout checklist.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 20, 2022 13:36:11 GMT -5
Life is too short for shitty relationships.
Wouldn't you rather be living alone, having the chance to meet, date, and fall in love with someone that treats you well and is great in bed, or anywhere else intimacy occurs?
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 20, 2022 15:48:57 GMT -5
I don't know how good it is but I offer you my leave story. After numerous resets And waaaay too many refusals I finally had had enough. So I took off my ring and began distancing myself from the W. Eventually she noticed and took off her ring. We talked about how we would end things. I helped her find a new place to buy and gave her the money for a down payment. We saw an attorney together with an outline for him to put into legal form. I paid for the attorney. After a year we had met the states separation requirement for a divorce and so I had the attorney file the papers and it was done. I do not regret taking the divorce route. 2 yrs of a SM was quite enough for me.
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Post by warmways on Oct 20, 2022 22:14:59 GMT -5
I was also in a horrible relationship and leaving was even better than I imagined. Our stories feel similar. Even the hard times post marriage are better than the hellish times of sadness, frustration, numbness and alienation I felt while married.
You’ve got this.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 21, 2022 16:37:59 GMT -5
Just a suggestion. It's not necessarily courage but if you rent a place before you tell him you will be more likely to go through with it. You could even start moving in a little before you tell him. Packing while they watch you is not fun. But if as you say he can't stand you maybe it won't be an issue Be careful on this...only do it if your lawyer gives you the go-ahead (you have obtained a lawyer, right?). If you are seen as moving out you may lose many of your rights to the marital home.
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Post by dallasgia on Nov 3, 2022 15:01:33 GMT -5
I spent the entire day in downtown with our daughter. When I arrived home he was visibly unhinged. He moved his stuff out of our bedroom - moved upstairs - and he said,” it’s obvious we aren’t going to be married anymore. Do you want to do the paperwork or do you want me to?”
That was 2 weeks ago. Still nothing done on my end. Presumably not on his end either.
What the hell is wrong with me. The red carpet has been rolled.
I’m one state away now prepping my mom for joint replacement surgery.
The kids are all adults - 2 in college.
I find it nearly impossible to call to fund the attorney retainer - my brain knows I should.
On my way out of town I found again his bag full of cash just laying in the floor of his office. $11k now.
I have not one friend who doesn’t encourage me to leave. Not a single one.
Even my daughter has said no one will heal until there is a resolution. Not semantically a request for divorce but the underlying message was clear.
If I drag my feet he will remove my access to the $5k I have which is exactly the retainer fee.
Should i ask him if he wants to share an attorney?
Should I wait until holidays are over?
Where will I go when I leave?
For the love of all things holy, I need a swift kick in the pants.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 3, 2022 15:15:14 GMT -5
If you don't do it yourself, he is going to do it. He's obviously saving money. Do take a picture of the money and put a newspaper beside it so you can prove when he had it.
Get a therapist or coach asap to help you through it.
The first lawyer visit may be free. Start asking friends for recommendations. You need to tell the lawyer about the hidden $.
You are up against the clock as lawyers, therapists, etc. become unavailable in the holiday season.
Filing first is an advantage.
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Post by sadkat on Nov 3, 2022 22:32:56 GMT -5
dallasgia- it sounds like things are going downhill fast. It is best to get ahead of it. It seems to me that you are afraid of taking that first step. Reaching out to a therapist for help would be your best option at this point. Allowing the status quo to continue is not in your best interest.
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Post by DryCreek on Nov 3, 2022 23:01:39 GMT -5
dallasgia, do it. There is no such thing as sharing lawyers. They have one client, and if it’s not you it’ll be him. You can agree to let your attorney advise him as well, but at the end of the day he’s your lawyer if you retain him. My bet is that H will be too cheap to get his own lawyer if you go first. So, exercise the first-mover advantage. If you’re not aggressive, he’ll probably agree to let your lawyer do all the paperwork. Very puzzling that this guy totes around that much cash and isn’t particularly careful with it. A police practice called civil asset forfeiture could get it seized under trivial circumstances and he’d have to sue to get it back. DC
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