Post by greatcoastal on Nov 8, 2022 17:16:16 GMT -5
www.drpsychmom.com/2022/11/04/never-lie-about-your-sexual-past/
Never Lie About Your Sexual Past
Samantha Rodman Whiten — November 4, 20220
Listen to a podcast about this here!
Some women, and a few men, lie about their “body count” or how many people they have been with sexually, making the number lower than it really is. (And some men inflate their count!) A variant of this is lying about what you’ve done in bed, making your past experiences sound more “vanilla” or tame than they really are, and another variant is just never talking about exes to the point that your partner has no idea how many of them you have. If you in any way feel compelled to lie about your sexual past, this is a HUGE red flag in two ways: (1) you may be with the wrong partner, and (2) you may have deep self-worth issues that indicate now is not the time that you should be looking to start a long term relationship.
Let’s explore the first, and I’ll use the typical pairing of a woman who feel compelled to lie to her male partner. Take a step back and think about what it means if you pick up on cues that there is a “wrong” number that would make your boyfriend reconsider your relationship. If you are with a man that would not marry you if your number of past sexual partner was “too high,” this generally indicates a closedminded person who struggles with seeing women as more than a vagina. Read this post for an example. It usually manifests in a central “Madonna-whore” conflict where the man is unable to see sexual women as also “good” women. Often, these are men who no longer want to sleep with their wives after having kids, because they struggle deeply with the cognitive dissonance of doing anything “dirty” with the “pure” mother of their child.
Closedmindedness is not a positive trait for a partner or the parent of your kids. What will this man act like if you have a daughter and she wants to date or have sex? What sort of sex life will you have long term? Often, women with an adventurous sexual past want to have some adventure in their married sex lives, especially once the libido-dampening effects of monogamy kick in. Men who are closedminded and uncomfortable around their wives’ sexual selves often struggle with anything more outside-the-box in the bedroom. Read these posts to see how women feel in this situation.
I also often work with women who become increasingly dissatisfied with their husbands’ more conservative politics as they grow older. A man who counts a woman as “marriage material” or not based on her sexual past is openly showing you that he has extremely conservative values. Ironically, these men often marry very sexually inhibited women with zero sexual history, and then come to me after reading this post. (If you were broken up with by a man who didn’t like your sexual past, it can be comforting to know that many men deeply miss their more adventurous and sexual exes and sometimes wish they would have married them!)
Let’s turn to the situation where you have no idea how your partner would react to your sexual history, and he’s shown no signs of closedmindedness or judgment, but you yourself struggle with being honest. This likely derives from larger scale issues that you have with self-esteem and self-worth. If you are the one who is unilaterally drawn to present as a “perfect” fairy tale partner, the imaginary “woman who loves sex but just never knew it until she met you,” then this may indicate that you have trust issues and struggle with being vulnerable and real with partners.
This inability to present as a vulnerable and authentic person is usually due to having unresolved attachment issues. If in your family of origin, you were expected to be perfect in every way, because of how this reflected on a self-absorbed parent, it can be difficult to let go of this “good girl” identity as an adult. You also may be drawn to difficult and self-absorbed men who parallel your parent, so even if they have not stated any judgmental ideas about sexual past, you don’t want to give them any ammunition against you just in case this is another area where they can look down on you. If this resonates with you, it would be good to get into therapy where you can explore your own self-worth issues, their relationship to your family of origin, and, if relevant, your tendency to choose partners who make you feel “not good enough” or like you have to be “perfect,” as you did in childhood.
Having had a varied sexual past is nothing to be ashamed of. It generally indicates openmindedness and a high libido, both of which are positive traits in a long term partner and will make the right man very happy. A partner who is similarly openminded is less likely to turn into the husband in this dynamic (the most common post that gets me clients!). And as I mentioned above, in my practice, I see many men who chose not to marry their higher-sex-drive girlfriends, and settled down with women who didn’t value sex very much at all. Often, they regret this choice and wish they had not mentally divided women into “fun girlfriends” versus “serious wives.” (Women also feel this way when comparing ex-boyfriends with high drives to their “gentlemanly” husband who ended up actually having a low sex drive; I discuss this here.)
Note that there are some women reading this who had lots of unenjoyable sex because of a trauma history or low self-esteem. If this is the case, sharing this past is also nothing to be ashamed of! You have recognized that you were trying to fix your problems through sex, and that it didn’t work, and that you have some regrets. Regrets are a normal human experience, and any loving partner will be supportive and caring, rather than making you feel even worse.
Lying to a partner is never positive. The desire to lie speaks to issues with trust, self-esteem, or just basic incompatibility. Women shouldn’t be ashamed of their sexual histories, and neither should men. And until you meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Why Not Learn Something From Your Partner’s Past?
Never Lie About Your Sexual Past
Samantha Rodman Whiten — November 4, 20220
Listen to a podcast about this here!
Some women, and a few men, lie about their “body count” or how many people they have been with sexually, making the number lower than it really is. (And some men inflate their count!) A variant of this is lying about what you’ve done in bed, making your past experiences sound more “vanilla” or tame than they really are, and another variant is just never talking about exes to the point that your partner has no idea how many of them you have. If you in any way feel compelled to lie about your sexual past, this is a HUGE red flag in two ways: (1) you may be with the wrong partner, and (2) you may have deep self-worth issues that indicate now is not the time that you should be looking to start a long term relationship.
Let’s explore the first, and I’ll use the typical pairing of a woman who feel compelled to lie to her male partner. Take a step back and think about what it means if you pick up on cues that there is a “wrong” number that would make your boyfriend reconsider your relationship. If you are with a man that would not marry you if your number of past sexual partner was “too high,” this generally indicates a closedminded person who struggles with seeing women as more than a vagina. Read this post for an example. It usually manifests in a central “Madonna-whore” conflict where the man is unable to see sexual women as also “good” women. Often, these are men who no longer want to sleep with their wives after having kids, because they struggle deeply with the cognitive dissonance of doing anything “dirty” with the “pure” mother of their child.
Closedmindedness is not a positive trait for a partner or the parent of your kids. What will this man act like if you have a daughter and she wants to date or have sex? What sort of sex life will you have long term? Often, women with an adventurous sexual past want to have some adventure in their married sex lives, especially once the libido-dampening effects of monogamy kick in. Men who are closedminded and uncomfortable around their wives’ sexual selves often struggle with anything more outside-the-box in the bedroom. Read these posts to see how women feel in this situation.
I also often work with women who become increasingly dissatisfied with their husbands’ more conservative politics as they grow older. A man who counts a woman as “marriage material” or not based on her sexual past is openly showing you that he has extremely conservative values. Ironically, these men often marry very sexually inhibited women with zero sexual history, and then come to me after reading this post. (If you were broken up with by a man who didn’t like your sexual past, it can be comforting to know that many men deeply miss their more adventurous and sexual exes and sometimes wish they would have married them!)
Let’s turn to the situation where you have no idea how your partner would react to your sexual history, and he’s shown no signs of closedmindedness or judgment, but you yourself struggle with being honest. This likely derives from larger scale issues that you have with self-esteem and self-worth. If you are the one who is unilaterally drawn to present as a “perfect” fairy tale partner, the imaginary “woman who loves sex but just never knew it until she met you,” then this may indicate that you have trust issues and struggle with being vulnerable and real with partners.
This inability to present as a vulnerable and authentic person is usually due to having unresolved attachment issues. If in your family of origin, you were expected to be perfect in every way, because of how this reflected on a self-absorbed parent, it can be difficult to let go of this “good girl” identity as an adult. You also may be drawn to difficult and self-absorbed men who parallel your parent, so even if they have not stated any judgmental ideas about sexual past, you don’t want to give them any ammunition against you just in case this is another area where they can look down on you. If this resonates with you, it would be good to get into therapy where you can explore your own self-worth issues, their relationship to your family of origin, and, if relevant, your tendency to choose partners who make you feel “not good enough” or like you have to be “perfect,” as you did in childhood.
Having had a varied sexual past is nothing to be ashamed of. It generally indicates openmindedness and a high libido, both of which are positive traits in a long term partner and will make the right man very happy. A partner who is similarly openminded is less likely to turn into the husband in this dynamic (the most common post that gets me clients!). And as I mentioned above, in my practice, I see many men who chose not to marry their higher-sex-drive girlfriends, and settled down with women who didn’t value sex very much at all. Often, they regret this choice and wish they had not mentally divided women into “fun girlfriends” versus “serious wives.” (Women also feel this way when comparing ex-boyfriends with high drives to their “gentlemanly” husband who ended up actually having a low sex drive; I discuss this here.)
Note that there are some women reading this who had lots of unenjoyable sex because of a trauma history or low self-esteem. If this is the case, sharing this past is also nothing to be ashamed of! You have recognized that you were trying to fix your problems through sex, and that it didn’t work, and that you have some regrets. Regrets are a normal human experience, and any loving partner will be supportive and caring, rather than making you feel even worse.
Lying to a partner is never positive. The desire to lie speaks to issues with trust, self-esteem, or just basic incompatibility. Women shouldn’t be ashamed of their sexual histories, and neither should men. And until you meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Why Not Learn Something From Your Partner’s Past?
