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Post by heartbroken on Nov 15, 2022 18:00:09 GMT -5
Hi, I'm grateful to have found this forum. I have been in a relationship with a lovely woman for 15 months. Initially, the sex was sweet and fun. Then, due to several issues in her personal life, she has shut down. I didn't think too much of it at first, then it continued. We traveled together to florida to see her granddaughter and I booked us a hotel room for the weekend. She immediately fell asleep. I was heartbroken and angry. It feels like she was making time and having energy for everyone but me. It happened again last week. We were away again together, in a hotel and she immediately fell asleep. I was even more hurt and angry. We are going to talk to a counselor, but I feel hopeless. I feel so rejected, time after time. We talk about it and I know she is feeling bad about it as well, but in the end, she has all the control. I try not to be hopeful when there seems to be any interest at all but I end up disappointed. I feel like this will be my life if I decide to stay. I love her and don't want to this to end but how long am I supposed to hold on?
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 15, 2022 18:13:59 GMT -5
You ar4e very early in the relationship. But she has nevertheless exhibited a sexless trait usually occurring much later in a relationship. You don't give your ages or say anything about other forms of intimacy. How is she with hugging and kissing? Are you 2 intimate at home? I really need more information before hazarding a guess as to what might be going on.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 15, 2022 19:59:20 GMT -5
Hi, I'm grateful to have found this forum. I have been in a relationship with a lovely woman for 15 months. Initially, the sex was sweet and fun. Then, due to several issues in her personal life, she has shut down. I didn't think too much of it at first, then it continued. We traveled together to florida to see her granddaughter and I booked us a hotel room for the weekend. She immediately fell asleep. I was heartbroken and angry.... It happened again last week. ...I feel so rejected, time after time. ..., she has all the control... Welcome! Sorry you're here. You say "relationship." 15 months may not mean you're married yet. Good. She does not have all the control. Far, far from it. Make sure you keep some of it. If you love her, fine, don't leave. No need. But if she wants to be your one and only, she does need to be your one. I heard somewhere, "You can be monogamous and you can be low libido, but not both." So... date her. Cuddle her in hotel rooms. Give her all the love she wants and needs. And you can get the love you want and need from her, and a girlfriend. If she brings up marriage, get a pre-nup. She has already demonstrated she can't be trusted to be all you need. She cannot have even an informal or tacit agreement or (mis)understanding you'll be celibate. Who knows, maybe she's staying with you for material benefits right now? The spark is gone, but she thinks you'd be a good life partner?
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 15, 2022 20:50:08 GMT -5
It sounds like if you want a romance that includes sex, she isn't the woman for you as she's not able to return the kind of love you offer her. Be happy your romance has been so short. There are people here who've been decades in relationships/marriages with someone who isn't into sex. That doesn't have to be you. She has demonstrated who she is. Believe her. There are other fish in the sea. FWIW, I'm 71, my post SM partner of 9 years is 70. We have sex at least once a week, more when on vacation.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 15, 2022 21:17:50 GMT -5
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Post by blunder8 on Nov 15, 2022 21:18:29 GMT -5
Ditto what northstarmom said.
Consider it a favor that she is giving you this preview of what a future would look like
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 15, 2022 22:42:58 GMT -5
Listen to northstarmomIf you are seeking a relationship, there has to be compatibility and availability. Its sounds like yours might be lacking in the comatibility aspect.
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 16, 2022 10:05:16 GMT -5
I like to view modern dating as having different phases and different criteria for what I might broadly term as success:
Phase 1: Do I want to go on a date with this person, get to know her more, have an activity, and am I attracted to her? At this phase, a lack of humility, a bad temper, gross habits, and various other things will tell me this isn't who I want to be with.
Phase 2: Do I want an assumed date with this person every week? Do I have articles of clothing or a toothbrush at her house? There is a monogamous assumption or discussion about it. I might introduce this person to my friends and maybe family, on the back end of it. I'd put this as starting somewhere around 3-4 months and lasting to a year or more. This is where we get a taste of what life will be like and where we fit. This is where you are now, but I suspect that you think you are in phase 3. Phase 2 means you haven't really blended finances and lives and you could walk away with only heartache and not a complete uprooting of your lifestyle.
Phase 3: It might not be marriage but it's going to be something like it. This is where you plan shared vacations, some level of practical financial integration is done, and friends and family know you as a couple. You do holidays together with family. For me, that's somewhere around 2 years in.
It sounds like maybe ?? you are in a serious relationship, but the sex issue indicates that she's not that into you or into the prospect of being in a long term relationship with you - and the sex reminds her of that. I think you need to examine and accept that this may not be someone who is ideal for a long term relationship. Discuss it now, with the knowledge that your discussion may bring that to light. You two are not compatible in this regard and it's as good as it gets right now. If you are going to go the distance, this part just gets harder and harder - and it's already got you dialing into a sexless marriage board with someone who's just a "go steady" partner.
Consider, for yourself - why would you be so reluctant to leave a relationship where this part of it wasn't aligned?
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 16, 2022 15:48:05 GMT -5
Apocrypha said "
It sounds like maybe ?? you are in a serious relationship, but the sex issue indicates that she's not that into you or into the prospect of being in a long term relationship with you - and the sex reminds her of that. I think you need to examine and accept that this may not be someone who is ideal for a long term relationship. Discuss it now, with the knowledge that your discussion may bring that to light. You two are not compatible in this regard and it's as good as it gets right now. If you are going to go the distance, this part just gets harder and harder - and it's already got you dialing into a sexless marriage board with someone who's just a "go steady" partner."
Or she doesn't have much of a libido.
I know a woman who was in a fairly new relationship and was going on trips with her new beau, sharing a bed, but not having sex with him. She told me that since her hysterectomy, she'd had no libido. Sadly for the guy, he thought she wasn't having sex because she was so religious. She was happy to date him and take trips with him and presents from him.
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 17, 2022 11:27:55 GMT -5
Or she doesn't have much of a libido. "Initially, the sex was sweet and fun. Then, due to several issues in her personal life, she has shut down." People don't usually forget how to have or enjoy sex. They often discover it again in their next relationship.
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 17, 2022 12:51:58 GMT -5
Heartbroken: Have you talked to her about both of your expectations and desires about sex? If so, how did that conversation go and what were the results? If not, why not? If you can't talk about sex with her, it's unlikely you'll be able to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with her. She is a grown woman. If she's too uncomfortable to discuss sex with you, she's not capable of being the partner you want. There really are other senior women out there who do view sex as an essential part of a romantic relationship.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 17, 2022 13:05:06 GMT -5
I dunno about forgetting about sex. But certainly the appetite for sex can change over time. You are correct that a partner may become "low libido for you". But that is not always the case. In exploring my SM in retrospective, it is very likely that perimenopause was a factor in my relationship. It is a very touchy subject with my spouse so there was only so much I could do and my resentment and my ignorance at the time didnt help. Its not that people forget how to have sex, but there are situations where physiological or physical circumstance change as we age. While I have met women whose libido increased over time, I have also met women who no longer have interest in sex and look for men who are in the same boat. There might also be a subset where women lose interest, but "tolerate" sex to appease or satisfy a partner. People don't usually forget how to have or enjoy sex. They often discover it again in their next relationship.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 17, 2022 13:08:24 GMT -5
100% truth bomb from northstarmomOne of the characteristics of a satisfying sex life is the ability to express our needs. If one does not articulate what one needs, that is on the individual, not the denying partner. If you can't talk about sex with her, it's unlikely you'll be able to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with her. .
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Post by Apocrypha on Nov 18, 2022 0:50:17 GMT -5
I dunno about forgetting about sex. But certainly the appetite for sex can change over time. You are correct that a partner may become "low libido for you". But that is not always the case. In exploring my SM in retrospective, it is very likely that perimenopause was a factor in my relationship. It is a very touchy subject with my spouse so there was only so much I could do and my resentment and my ignorance at the time didnt help. Its not that people forget how to have sex, but there are situations where physiological or physical circumstance change as we age. While I have met women whose libido increased over time, I have also met women who no longer have interest in sex and look for men who are in the same boat. There might also be a subset where women lose interest, but "tolerate" sex to appease or satisfy a partner. People don't usually forget how to have or enjoy sex. They often discover it again in their next relationship. Sometimes I don't understand the point of these " but that is not always the case" statements in response to general observations given to people who supply a few scraps of details. People who chain smoke their whole lifetimes often get lung cancer, but that is not always the case.
Sometimes there are several things happening at the same time as the loss of investment in a partner - including sickness. When people ask what's going on, they respond with an ever shuffling stack of reasons why it isn't happening. All good reasons. And then you look to people who have all kinds of great reasons for not having sex. Maybe they are married to other people, and stand to lose their fortunes and reputations if caught, or humiliations and fame - but they still find a way to have sex that they probably shouldn't have. Are they just superhorny? Likely not - but they want to have sex with that person. One thing's certain - in this case one person doesn't want to have sex with another. For reasons. By far, the most common result I've seen across those who have reported back after on the topic, is that these people whose relationships end and they end up with other people, often magically rediscover their desire for sex. I've benefitted from many. "I thought I didn't even LIKE sex!" a friend told me recently. "Turns out I was just disgusted by my husband." (not physically). I would imagine that also is not always the case. But, it often seems to be.
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