When your "H" won't have sex
Jan 5, 2023 8:16:38 GMT -5
ironhamster, angeleyes65, and 1 more like this
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 5, 2023 8:16:38 GMT -5
medium.com/@drpsychmom/when-your-husband-wont-have-sex-fc0b69a3f3cc
When Your Husband Won’t Have Sex
About a third of my clients with sex drive disparities are in the situation where the woman wants more sex than the man. (Listen to a podcast about this here.) This large number flies in the face of the common (but inaccurate) assumption, derived from popular media, that men are constantly chasing women for sex. When women are rejected by their partners for sex or physical affection, they are too ashamed to generally share this with anyone aside from their therapist, so they cut themselves off from potential support and empathy from friends who may secretly be in the same position. This is why in some ways, it is harder to be a rejected woman than a rejected man, because you think you are a freak outlier rather than in a more normal (although still very painful) situation.
Women are unfortunately taught to define their attractiveness and femininity on sexual pursuit from men, which is why it feels so shameful and sad when their male partners consistently reject them. Some men think that it is better for a woman to be in this situation than a man, because “any woman knows that she can just go out and have sex anytime she wants.” While it is certainly true that a woman offering no strings attached sex will have no dearth of potential partners, more so than a man offering the same, this is no help to a woman who is committed to her husband and wants to remain married and faithful. In fact, it is even more crazymaking to wonder why a random guy in a bar would want to have sex with you but your own husband does not.
I have written about red flags that your partner will stop enjoying sex after marriage and kids. Women often deny or minimize these red flags for three main reasons. The first is shared by men in the same position: many people prefer to ignore problems and just hope they go away. The second is unique to women: they have been told for so long that all men are sexually-driven animals that they cannot believe that their partner is not just having an off day (/month/year) when he rejects them. They have never heard about low sex drive males and therefore keep thinking that the guy is just too stressed, or just too much of a gentleman, or too religious, or whatever else. This wishful thinking often lasts for years, until the mounting evidence of low or absent desire is just too obvious to ignore.
The third reason that woman deny or minimize early evidence that their boyfriends don’t like sex is related to the woman’s own self-esteem. If she struggles with feeling unattractive or unlovable, due to childhood experiences of parental rejection and/or bullying (peer or sibling), then she will assume that the reason her boyfriend rejects her is that he, understandably, is turned off by her, and that if she just lost weight/dressed differently/acted differently, he would change. (Example here.)
There are many reasons that anyone, male or female, could have consistent low sex drive. A history of sexual trauma may be at play, or innate asexuality, or low testosterone. Stress isn’t usually an explanation because that waxes and wanes. Depression, though, may be longer lasting than periods of stress and can certainly impact sex drive. Usually, in my experience with clients, men usually have low sex drive due to a combination of aging, low testosterone, and psychological variables.
One key psychological issue at the root of sexual aversion is a childhood where the man learned that sex is bad and that males who want too much sex are aggressive and predatory. Men whose mothers, often due to their own mistreatment by men, teach their sons to repudiate their own sex drives and masculinity in general can grievously harm their sons’ developing sexual self-image. These boys then believe that sex, and their own desire, is disgusting. They work hard to tamp down their sexuality, including feeling ashamed of masturbation and fantasies. Later in adulthood, their negative feelings about sex pervade their self-images and their marriages, and they often extend their shame about sex to include feeling ashamed on the behalf of a wife who actively desires or pursues sex.
If you are in this situation and your husband agrees to work on his sex drive overall, some great places to start are an evaluation of his testosterone levels, individual therapy (which will firstly assess for depression but is also a good way to start exploring his attitudes about sex overall), and couples/sex therapy. If you feel hopeless about therapy changing your husband, don’t be. I myself have helped many couples with this dynamic transform their sex lives, and so have other couples/sex therapists.
But what if your husband refuses to try anything to address the problem? If you try to talk about the issue over and over, and your husband stonewalls or minimizes or mocks your need for physical touch (this linked post is about women who do this but men can act similarly), you have to think about whether this is the right relationship for you long term. I would advise men or women in this situation to start their own counseling and figure out why they are willing to stay in a relationship where their needs are not even being recognized, nevermind being met. Often, there are deep self-esteem issues at play, originating in your upbringing but amplified by years of emotional disconnect and rejection.
One thing to try that can give you more objectivity about your relationship is to discuss it more openly with others. Sometimes this can even be done online. For example, Dead Bedrooms on reddit is a popular support forum for people in sexless marriages. Even just reading about other women whose husbands reject them can make you feel a lot better and can help you see that the problem isn’t you (although sometimes certainly you contribute to a negative overall marital dynamic). It can also be helpful to think about the marriage that you are modeling for your children. If you would not want them to stay in a situation where they felt unattractive and rejected, then this can inform your choice of what to do.
If you do decide to leave, you can most assuredly find a man that is interested in a long term sexual relationship and who finds you sexually attractive. I do not think women should be with men who don’t find them hot, as discussed here. Incidentally, men also deserve to be with and should only be with a woman who finds them attractive. If you are a woman with a high libido, that in and of itself will make you extremely appealing on the divorced people marketplace. As a divorced woman you will find endless men who want to have sex with you, no matter how unappealing you may have felt in your marriage! I have seen this in many clients post-divorce.
You only get one life, and you owe it to yourself to try and make it one that makes you feel happy, loved, fulfilled and secure. Therapy can help you clarify your goals and work toward being in the relationship you need. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Also, This Is A Good Book.
When Your Husband Won’t Have Sex
About a third of my clients with sex drive disparities are in the situation where the woman wants more sex than the man. (Listen to a podcast about this here.) This large number flies in the face of the common (but inaccurate) assumption, derived from popular media, that men are constantly chasing women for sex. When women are rejected by their partners for sex or physical affection, they are too ashamed to generally share this with anyone aside from their therapist, so they cut themselves off from potential support and empathy from friends who may secretly be in the same position. This is why in some ways, it is harder to be a rejected woman than a rejected man, because you think you are a freak outlier rather than in a more normal (although still very painful) situation.
Women are unfortunately taught to define their attractiveness and femininity on sexual pursuit from men, which is why it feels so shameful and sad when their male partners consistently reject them. Some men think that it is better for a woman to be in this situation than a man, because “any woman knows that she can just go out and have sex anytime she wants.” While it is certainly true that a woman offering no strings attached sex will have no dearth of potential partners, more so than a man offering the same, this is no help to a woman who is committed to her husband and wants to remain married and faithful. In fact, it is even more crazymaking to wonder why a random guy in a bar would want to have sex with you but your own husband does not.
I have written about red flags that your partner will stop enjoying sex after marriage and kids. Women often deny or minimize these red flags for three main reasons. The first is shared by men in the same position: many people prefer to ignore problems and just hope they go away. The second is unique to women: they have been told for so long that all men are sexually-driven animals that they cannot believe that their partner is not just having an off day (/month/year) when he rejects them. They have never heard about low sex drive males and therefore keep thinking that the guy is just too stressed, or just too much of a gentleman, or too religious, or whatever else. This wishful thinking often lasts for years, until the mounting evidence of low or absent desire is just too obvious to ignore.
The third reason that woman deny or minimize early evidence that their boyfriends don’t like sex is related to the woman’s own self-esteem. If she struggles with feeling unattractive or unlovable, due to childhood experiences of parental rejection and/or bullying (peer or sibling), then she will assume that the reason her boyfriend rejects her is that he, understandably, is turned off by her, and that if she just lost weight/dressed differently/acted differently, he would change. (Example here.)
There are many reasons that anyone, male or female, could have consistent low sex drive. A history of sexual trauma may be at play, or innate asexuality, or low testosterone. Stress isn’t usually an explanation because that waxes and wanes. Depression, though, may be longer lasting than periods of stress and can certainly impact sex drive. Usually, in my experience with clients, men usually have low sex drive due to a combination of aging, low testosterone, and psychological variables.
One key psychological issue at the root of sexual aversion is a childhood where the man learned that sex is bad and that males who want too much sex are aggressive and predatory. Men whose mothers, often due to their own mistreatment by men, teach their sons to repudiate their own sex drives and masculinity in general can grievously harm their sons’ developing sexual self-image. These boys then believe that sex, and their own desire, is disgusting. They work hard to tamp down their sexuality, including feeling ashamed of masturbation and fantasies. Later in adulthood, their negative feelings about sex pervade their self-images and their marriages, and they often extend their shame about sex to include feeling ashamed on the behalf of a wife who actively desires or pursues sex.
If you are in this situation and your husband agrees to work on his sex drive overall, some great places to start are an evaluation of his testosterone levels, individual therapy (which will firstly assess for depression but is also a good way to start exploring his attitudes about sex overall), and couples/sex therapy. If you feel hopeless about therapy changing your husband, don’t be. I myself have helped many couples with this dynamic transform their sex lives, and so have other couples/sex therapists.
But what if your husband refuses to try anything to address the problem? If you try to talk about the issue over and over, and your husband stonewalls or minimizes or mocks your need for physical touch (this linked post is about women who do this but men can act similarly), you have to think about whether this is the right relationship for you long term. I would advise men or women in this situation to start their own counseling and figure out why they are willing to stay in a relationship where their needs are not even being recognized, nevermind being met. Often, there are deep self-esteem issues at play, originating in your upbringing but amplified by years of emotional disconnect and rejection.
One thing to try that can give you more objectivity about your relationship is to discuss it more openly with others. Sometimes this can even be done online. For example, Dead Bedrooms on reddit is a popular support forum for people in sexless marriages. Even just reading about other women whose husbands reject them can make you feel a lot better and can help you see that the problem isn’t you (although sometimes certainly you contribute to a negative overall marital dynamic). It can also be helpful to think about the marriage that you are modeling for your children. If you would not want them to stay in a situation where they felt unattractive and rejected, then this can inform your choice of what to do.
If you do decide to leave, you can most assuredly find a man that is interested in a long term sexual relationship and who finds you sexually attractive. I do not think women should be with men who don’t find them hot, as discussed here. Incidentally, men also deserve to be with and should only be with a woman who finds them attractive. If you are a woman with a high libido, that in and of itself will make you extremely appealing on the divorced people marketplace. As a divorced woman you will find endless men who want to have sex with you, no matter how unappealing you may have felt in your marriage! I have seen this in many clients post-divorce.
You only get one life, and you owe it to yourself to try and make it one that makes you feel happy, loved, fulfilled and secure. Therapy can help you clarify your goals and work toward being in the relationship you need. And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Also, This Is A Good Book.
