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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 6, 2023 12:41:54 GMT -5
I have learned a lot of vocabulary here but just stumbled on a new term that might be helpful here.
Passive weaponized incompetence
No matter how it plays out, the goal of weaponized incompetence is to get one's partner to throw up their hands and just do the job themselves. It's a manipulative strategy to get out of a task in the moment and, ultimately, long-term.
Weaponized incompetence can be seen as a form of gaslighting. This is when a person is made to think that their feelings about a given situation are invalid or blown out of proportion. Because of this, it can be difficult for a victim of weaponized incompetence to realize what is being done to them.
[Also, thank you to all for being teachers as well as commiserators. I have learned a lot on this forum and it has helped me]
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Post by blunder8 on Jan 6, 2023 14:54:45 GMT -5
That is indeed a common tactic for refusers. The refused spouse is selfish or only cares about sex. Damn perverts! Gee, maybe I am selfish and too obsessed with....it's only sex.
Is there a term for what I call "the dodge?" That's when sex is refused, but the refuser can show they care about you by doing another task that's nice, but incredibly insignificant compared to marital intimacy. It's a substitute for intimacy. A suffering refused spouse can recognize the counterfeit: "Hey, I made your favorite breakfast, I care."
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jan 7, 2023 3:09:48 GMT -5
That is indeed a common tactic for refusers. The refused spouse is selfish or only cares about sex. Damn perverts! Gee, maybe I am selfish and too obsessed with....it's only sex. Is there a term for what I call "the dodge?" That's when sex is refused, but the refuser can show they care about you by doing another task that's nice, but incredibly insignificant compared to marital intimacy. It's a substitute for intimacy. A suffering refused spouse can recognize the counterfeit: "Hey, I made your favorite breakfast, I care." I don't know hopefully someone will chime in. However, I wonder if my example is a variation of the dodge. My H used to deny me in private but goes out of his way to be affectionate in front of others. I haven't asked for sex from him since 2011 but recently at an event photos were being taken and he kissed my ear getting photo evidence of affection that hasn't existed since,geeze who knows how long. Why couldn't he just be normal. Sadly his affection now feels gross to me and I don't want him to touch me at all. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 9, 2023 6:49:03 GMT -5
Passive weaponized incompetence No matter how it plays out, the goal of weaponized incompetence is to get one's partner to throw up their hands and just do the job themselves. It's a manipulative strategy to get out of a task in the moment and, ultimately, long-term. Some spouse's unwillingness can be born from spouses with substantially higher standards inclined to be unappreciative of help that they cannot graciously accept at the level given. The resentful spouse takes it personally that a bed is made, but you can't bounce a quarter off it. Dinner was made, but the mashed potatoes came from a box. Dusting got done, but the white glove test failed. I've figured such a household would be best served by the spouse doing a handful of jobs up to absurd specifications, but in no way should the fastidious spouse expect their more laid-back spouse to do half of the household chores to the neater spouse's standards. At some point, housework becomes a passionate hobby, rather than everyday life and the meticulous spouse needs to stop expecting enthusiasm for their fetish. Lower your standards, or reduce the quantity expected. The house doesn't belong to the cleaner spouse. Its upkeep isn't his/hers/zeirs to control. You want to live in a museum? Prepare to have a bigger slice of the drudgery. Constant criticism of housework is a good way to cause withdrawal from the effort. Type A spouses will want to check themselves if this may be part of some perceived "weaponized incompetence", which is most certainly, a thing". |
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Post by ironhamster on Jan 23, 2023 9:56:39 GMT -5
That is indeed a common tactic for refusers. The refused spouse is selfish or only cares about sex. Damn perverts! Gee, maybe I am selfish and too obsessed with....it's only sex. Is there a term for what I call "the dodge?" That's when sex is refused, but the refuser can show they care about you by doing another task that's nice, but incredibly insignificant compared to marital intimacy. It's a substitute for intimacy. A suffering refused spouse can recognize the counterfeit: "Hey, I made your favorite breakfast, I care." I don't know hopefully someone will chime in. However, I wonder if my example is a variation of the dodge. My H used to deny me in private but goes out of his way to be affectionate in front of others. I haven't asked for sex from him since 2011 but recently at an event photos were being taken and he kissed my ear getting photo evidence of affection that hasn't existed since,geeze who knows how long. Why couldn't he just be normal. Sadly his affection now feels gross to me and I don't want him to touch me at all. My ex used to do the same thing. She would be flirty in public, and even respond positively to suggestions and innuendos, but, the moment we got home all that flirty stuff went away. I remember our last anniversary in 2017. We went out to eat, had a good meal and good conversation, the details of which are now lost on me, but when we got home there was nothing more that one would expect on an anniversary. Poof. Gone. Her attention was elsewhere. I went down to my shop and sleeping room in the garage, and called idgaf96, and had a much better and much more honest conversation with a woman two thousand miles away that actually wanted to connect with me. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2023 15:53:42 GMT -5
That is indeed a common tactic for refusers. The refused spouse is selfish or only cares about sex. Damn perverts! Gee, maybe I am selfish and too obsessed with....it's only sex. Is there a term for what I call "the dodge?" That's when sex is refused, but the refuser can show they care about you by doing another task that's nice, but incredibly insignificant compared to marital intimacy. It's a substitute for intimacy. A suffering refused spouse can recognize the counterfeit: "Hey, I made your favorite breakfast, I care." A few terms come to mind: The wearing of the fake mask. The bait and switch. The dangling of the carrot. The moving of the goal post. Bread-crumbing. Grandizing. Putting themselves on a pedestal. Prioritizing their love language while ignoring yours. DARVO I learned so many of these from the book www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587S |
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 23, 2023 20:41:16 GMT -5
That is indeed a common tactic for refusers. The refused spouse is selfish or only cares about sex. Damn perverts! Gee, maybe I am selfish and too obsessed with....it's only sex. Is there a term for what I call "the dodge?" That's when sex is refused, but the refuser can show they care about you by doing another task that's nice, but incredibly insignificant compared to marital intimacy. It's a substitute for intimacy. A suffering refused spouse can recognize the counterfeit: "Hey, I made your favorite breakfast, I care." A few terms come to mind: The wearing of the fake mask. The bait and switch. The dangling of the carrot. The moving of the goal post. Bread-crumbing. Grandizing. Putting themselves on a pedestal. Prioritizing their love language while ignoring yours. DARVO I learned so many of these from the book www.amazon.com/Say-Goodbye-Crazy-Restore-Sanity-ebook/dp/B014W0587SMargarine New Coke Carob Yahoo Serious Frozen Yogurt Skim Milk Raw Unsalted Almonds Light Beer Great Value Green Firewood |
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Post by petrushka on Jan 25, 2023 2:41:38 GMT -5
I have learned a lot of vocabulary here but just stumbled on a new term that might be helpful here. Passive weaponized incompetence No matter how it plays out, the goal of weaponized incompetence is to get one's partner to throw up their hands and just do the job themselves. It's a manipulative strategy to get out of a task in the moment and, ultimately, long-term. Weaponized incompetence can be seen as a form of gaslighting. This is when a person is made to think that their feelings about a given situation are invalid or blown out of proportion. Because of this, it can be difficult for a victim of weaponized incompetence to realize what is being done to them. [Also, thank you to all for being teachers as well as commiserators. I have learned a lot on this forum and it has helped me] Oh my freaking god. You just reminded me of my flatmate Eve some 40 years ago. She wanted to have a bookshelf. So she went and bought some boards, found a rusty saw and a couple of sawhorses and set it all up in her bedroom; Then she invited a workmate for dinner, and when he came in the door, there she was ineffectually rasping away at one of the boards.
Made quite an impression on me. Let it be known, it was not a good one.
Have to say this for my wife: if I offer to help with some handyman or tradesman job she's undertaking, and she is quite intrepid, I get growled at. No machine or tool in my workshop is safe. I have to wait to be asked. And usually she will figure it out for herself.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 25, 2023 4:17:03 GMT -5
New weird one, a spoon! Apparently my son's girlfriend's teen daughter will not eat with us as were are not her spoons!! People you eat with.
About as offensive as it cones in my book
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Post by petrushka on Jan 25, 2023 5:28:00 GMT -5
New weird one, a spoon! Apparently my son's girlfriend's teen daughter will not eat with us as were are not her spoons!! People you eat with. About as offensive as it cones in my book
Did you try to ladle your soup with her? That might have served to make it acceptable to this precious little twerp.  |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 25, 2023 11:08:45 GMT -5
lessingham: "New weird one, a spoon! Apparently my son's girlfriend's teen daughter will not eat with us as were are not her spoons!! People you eat with.
About as offensive as it cones in my book."
It's so ridiculous it made me laugh out loud. I doubt you missed her in a good way at the table. I'm sure that she's not a sparkling conversationalist or a delight to be around as she's probably awkward around adults and/or people she doesn't know. Let her spoon by herself.
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Post by baza on Jan 25, 2023 22:09:53 GMT -5
Given what you've said about your missus, and sister, and son, and son's girlfriend, would it be any great surprise that people don't particularly want to join you in that environment.
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angelwanderer
New Member
currently podcasting on Dirty Rabbit Hole
Posts: 11
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by angelwanderer on Feb 1, 2023 5:29:59 GMT -5
I have learned a lot of vocabulary here but just stumbled on a new term that might be helpful here.
Passive weaponized incompetence I liked this phrase (very much) and then I came across this link today: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/equipped/202301/a-case-of-weaponized-incompetenceBummer! It still applies but it's associated to many other things, some so trivial that it minimises the phrase. It reminds me of the time I first saw the words Involuntary Celibacy way back in 2006. I felt it was an absolutely accurate statement and I was going to use it and use it often. Ummmm. How wrong was I about that one? * takes two steps back and zips lips* -A |
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Post by catlover on Feb 1, 2023 17:35:57 GMT -5
I have learned a lot of vocabulary here but just stumbled on a new term that might be helpful here.
Passive weaponized incompetence I liked this phrase (very much) and then I came across this link today: www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/equipped/202301/a-case-of-weaponized-incompetenceBummer! It still applies but it's associated to many other things, some so trivial that it minimises the phrase. It reminds me of the time I first saw the words Involuntary Celibacy way back in 2006. I felt it was an absolutely accurate statement and I was going to use it and use it often. Ummmm. How wrong was I about that one? * takes two steps back and zips lips* -A Being involuntary celibate does not make one an incel. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 1, 2023 20:53:25 GMT -5
Originally, it was not a pejorative aimed at angry, bitter involuntarily celibate men. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incel#:~:text=During%201997%2C%20she%20started%20a,relationship%20in%20a%20long%20time%22. The first website to use the term "incel" was founded during the 1990s, although media is conflicted on whether this occurred during 1993 or 1997. The website was founded by a university student living in Toronto known only by her first name, Alana. She created the website to discuss her sexual inactivity with others.[29][30][6][31][32][33] Titled "Alana's Involuntary Celibacy Project", the website was used by people of all genders to share their thoughts and experiences. [6] During 1997, she started a mailing list on the topic that used the abbreviation INVCEL, later shortened to "incel", for "anybody of any gender who was lonely, had never had sex or who hadn't had a relationship in a long time".[34] During her college years and after, Alana realized she was bisexual and became more comfortable with her identity.[33] She stopped participating in her online project around 2000 and gave the site to a stranger.[35][32] In 2018, Alana said of her project: "It definitely wasn't a bunch of guys blaming women for their problems. That's a pretty sad version of this phenomenon that's happening today. Things have changed in the last 20 years".[34] When she read about the 2014 Isla Vista killings, and that parts of the incel subculture glorified the perpetrator, she wrote: "Like a scientist who invented something that ended up being a weapon of war, I can't uninvent this word, nor restrict it to the nicer people who need it".[36][33] She expressed regret at the change in usage from her original intent of creating an "inclusive community" for people of all genders who were sexually deprived due to social awkwardness, marginalization, or mental illness.[25] |
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