To all young adult men- and those starting over!
Apr 11, 2023 17:12:46 GMT -5
hopingforachange, ironhamster, and 2 more like this
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 11, 2023 17:12:46 GMT -5
www.drpsychmom.com/2023/04/10/its-not-a-measure-of-virility-to-be-too-much-for-your-girlfriend/
Many men ask me to write more for younger guys, because they wish they had access to more information about sex and relationships when they were young adults in the dating world.
This post aims to address a popular misconception that young men tend to have, which is that it is a flattering measure of virility (or even penis size) when your girlfriend thinks you are “too much” in the bedroom.
Instead, this is either an indicator of low sex drive and a tremendous red flag if you want to end up with a wife who enjoys sex after marriage, or an indicator that you are not yet very skilled in the bedroom.
Either way, this isn’t positive, so read on to learn more.
I often discuss signs that your partner will stop liking sex after marriage and kids, like in this post and the above video.
One big sign not fully explicated in that post is when your girlfriend acts overwhelmed by your sex drive and desire.
Younger men are insecure about their sexual capabilities, because they don’t have much experience.
Because of this, it can seem like a testament to their virility and masculinity when their girlfriend says that they are wearing her out in the bedroom or they act overwhelmed by how frequently the man wants sex.
This is NOT a positive sign, and is not a testament to your virility anywhere near as much as it is a testament to her low sex drive and/or negative feelings about sex, or your lack of skill in the bedroom.
A common manifestation of this overwhelm is the reluctance to have sex two days in a row, which I discuss here.
Many women say they are too sore to have sex multiple times a day or even two days in a row.
Ruling out possible medical reasons that a woman would have pain with sex, which of course she should investigate with her doctor, this means either that she doesn’t enjoy sex and understands that you will be flattered and lay off if she acts like you are “too big” and therefore you hurt her, or that she doesn’t enjoy sex with you, because you are not arousing her to the point that sex doesn’t hurt.
Remember, when women are not aroused, they do not get wet and ready for sex.
Learn more about female arousal from this podcast, including why you may think she’s wet when she’s not.
Also, keep in mind that you are very very unlikely to be “too big” for a woman, because women can push seven pound babies out of their vaginas, and sex/having babies is what the vagina was intended for.
If the issue is that your girlfriend is sex negative and low sex drive, you will also notice a tone in her voice when she discusses sex and you being “too much.”
She will not focus on physical overwhelm alone but also feel that your focus on sex is excessive and either not understandable or disgusting.
When your girlfriend makes comments that “you want sex all the time” (if you are not in fact pushing for sex multiple times a day or even every day) and her tone is upset or condescending, this likely means that she was raised with fairly negative attitudes toward men and sex.
In later marriage, this is likely to come out as invalidating your desire to be physically close at all, as discussed here.
Note that if you have any signs of sex addiction as discussed here, or you won’t kiss or touch her without trying to turn it into sex, as discussed here, this would be understandable on her part, and you would need to get into therapy stat.
If, on the other hand, the issue is that you don’t know how to please your girlfriend sexually and she is too shy to tell you, and/or doesn’t have the experience to know what she likes at all (remember, most lower sex drive women do not masturbate), then she is likely saying she is overwhelmed by your desire because it is a way to keep you happy while pushing off sex, which is not enjoyable for her.
In this case, you need to be very open with yourself and think objectively about the likelihood that your girlfriend is enjoying herself.
If she doesn’t give you any feedback, it is HIGHLY unlikely that you have magically understood how to arouse her and get her off, and more likely that she is not aroused and not actually getting off.
Try to talk to her about what you could do better, without insecurity. Here’s a podcast about how to get genuine sexual feedback.
If you are very open to feedback, meaning you do not sulk when she suggests you do things differently, and your girlfriend still has zero interest in learning more about her body and helping you to do better, this likely means that you will not be sexually compatible in the long run.
Your level of interest in and prioritization of your sex life is wildly different, and this difference will only grow and grow as you get further from the honeymoon stage.
You may well find yourself in a sexless marriage, one of the loneliest experiences that people within marriage can have.
If this post resonated with you, think deeply about why you are staying in a relationship in which you are not sexually happy, and why you are convincing yourself that it will change.
Likely, you have issues with insecurity and inexperience, and cannot imagine a relationship in which a woman acted excited and adventurous in bed.
But there are plenty of women like this out there!
By the way, if you grew up in a home where your mother was sex-negative or easily overwhelmed, this is instinctively what you believe that all women are like, and why you may be settling for a honeymoon stage dating experience in which you are sexually rejected regularly (albeit in a cute and flattering way… for now).
Listen to this and read this for more about why your own early life experiences may be stopping you from trying to meet a woman who is excited to have sex with you! And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Send This Article To All Young Adult Men!
Many men ask me to write more for younger guys, because they wish they had access to more information about sex and relationships when they were young adults in the dating world.
This post aims to address a popular misconception that young men tend to have, which is that it is a flattering measure of virility (or even penis size) when your girlfriend thinks you are “too much” in the bedroom.
Instead, this is either an indicator of low sex drive and a tremendous red flag if you want to end up with a wife who enjoys sex after marriage, or an indicator that you are not yet very skilled in the bedroom.
Either way, this isn’t positive, so read on to learn more.
I often discuss signs that your partner will stop liking sex after marriage and kids, like in this post and the above video.
One big sign not fully explicated in that post is when your girlfriend acts overwhelmed by your sex drive and desire.
Younger men are insecure about their sexual capabilities, because they don’t have much experience.
Because of this, it can seem like a testament to their virility and masculinity when their girlfriend says that they are wearing her out in the bedroom or they act overwhelmed by how frequently the man wants sex.
This is NOT a positive sign, and is not a testament to your virility anywhere near as much as it is a testament to her low sex drive and/or negative feelings about sex, or your lack of skill in the bedroom.
A common manifestation of this overwhelm is the reluctance to have sex two days in a row, which I discuss here.
Many women say they are too sore to have sex multiple times a day or even two days in a row.
Ruling out possible medical reasons that a woman would have pain with sex, which of course she should investigate with her doctor, this means either that she doesn’t enjoy sex and understands that you will be flattered and lay off if she acts like you are “too big” and therefore you hurt her, or that she doesn’t enjoy sex with you, because you are not arousing her to the point that sex doesn’t hurt.
Remember, when women are not aroused, they do not get wet and ready for sex.
Learn more about female arousal from this podcast, including why you may think she’s wet when she’s not.
Also, keep in mind that you are very very unlikely to be “too big” for a woman, because women can push seven pound babies out of their vaginas, and sex/having babies is what the vagina was intended for.
If the issue is that your girlfriend is sex negative and low sex drive, you will also notice a tone in her voice when she discusses sex and you being “too much.”
She will not focus on physical overwhelm alone but also feel that your focus on sex is excessive and either not understandable or disgusting.
When your girlfriend makes comments that “you want sex all the time” (if you are not in fact pushing for sex multiple times a day or even every day) and her tone is upset or condescending, this likely means that she was raised with fairly negative attitudes toward men and sex.
In later marriage, this is likely to come out as invalidating your desire to be physically close at all, as discussed here.
Note that if you have any signs of sex addiction as discussed here, or you won’t kiss or touch her without trying to turn it into sex, as discussed here, this would be understandable on her part, and you would need to get into therapy stat.
If, on the other hand, the issue is that you don’t know how to please your girlfriend sexually and she is too shy to tell you, and/or doesn’t have the experience to know what she likes at all (remember, most lower sex drive women do not masturbate), then she is likely saying she is overwhelmed by your desire because it is a way to keep you happy while pushing off sex, which is not enjoyable for her.
In this case, you need to be very open with yourself and think objectively about the likelihood that your girlfriend is enjoying herself.
If she doesn’t give you any feedback, it is HIGHLY unlikely that you have magically understood how to arouse her and get her off, and more likely that she is not aroused and not actually getting off.
Try to talk to her about what you could do better, without insecurity. Here’s a podcast about how to get genuine sexual feedback.
If you are very open to feedback, meaning you do not sulk when she suggests you do things differently, and your girlfriend still has zero interest in learning more about her body and helping you to do better, this likely means that you will not be sexually compatible in the long run.
Your level of interest in and prioritization of your sex life is wildly different, and this difference will only grow and grow as you get further from the honeymoon stage.
You may well find yourself in a sexless marriage, one of the loneliest experiences that people within marriage can have.
If this post resonated with you, think deeply about why you are staying in a relationship in which you are not sexually happy, and why you are convincing yourself that it will change.
Likely, you have issues with insecurity and inexperience, and cannot imagine a relationship in which a woman acted excited and adventurous in bed.
But there are plenty of women like this out there!
By the way, if you grew up in a home where your mother was sex-negative or easily overwhelmed, this is instinctively what you believe that all women are like, and why you may be settling for a honeymoon stage dating experience in which you are sexually rejected regularly (albeit in a cute and flattering way… for now).
Listen to this and read this for more about why your own early life experiences may be stopping you from trying to meet a woman who is excited to have sex with you! And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Send This Article To All Young Adult Men!