Divorce= self improvement opportunity
Apr 23, 2023 15:37:25 GMT -5
amazingk, vanessa55, and 3 more like this
Post by greatcoastal on Apr 23, 2023 15:37:25 GMT -5
medium.com/illumination/why-divorce-is-the-best-life-changing-self-improvement-opportunity-95db07e95f2c
Why Divorce Is the Best Life-Changing Self-Improvement Opportunity
And why I am creating a new vision board for my life
Divorce cast darkness in my life. The type of hole I wasn’t sure I was capable of digging myself out of. It shocked even me. The self-help junkie, the eternal optimist, the positive thinker, the goal setter, and Joie de vivre girl.
I chose divorce.
I wanted to leave my husband.
I was singing in the shower the morning after I met with an attorney. But I underestimated an angry and vengeful man would abusively elongate the process for five years and leave me with nothing.
I was no longer singing and I no longer liked myself.
I was no longer a confident and self-assured woman.
I had fallen out of love with myself.
It was scary. As hard as I tried I couldn’t retrieve myself. It didn’t matter what I did. I told myself I was still the same person. But it was a vicious cycle. I wanted to be positive but negative thoughts kept creeping back in.
How could one man reduce me to this?
How could one individual make me dislike and doubt myself?
Divorce shouldn’t make a person lose their entire identity.
I read a lot about healing from divorce. I read about people who remarried. I read about people who surrendered to surviving rather than thriving after divorce. I read about divorce coaches who cheer you on. I read about re-inventing yourself.
None of these things spoke to me.
I didn’t want to reinvent myself.
I liked who I used to be. The person that existed before I allowed an unhealthy relationship to change me. The one who roamed freely before a brutal bully wore her down at every corner.
I wanted that girl back.
I didn’t want a new woman in my life.
And I didn’t want to meet a man until she was back. I didn’t want to date a stranger while I was a stranger. I didn’t want to meet someone while I was on shaky ground. I had fled a faltering foundation.
Sometimes you have to give up and stop trying so hard.
To see what’s right before your eyes.
There’s a reason I didn’t want to reinvent myself. It’s not because I don’t believe in new adventures, new passions, or new careers. I love reading stories of the second acts of women. They’re exciting and energizing. You go, girl!
It’s just that something felt off.
The marketer meets relationship columnist in me saw things differently.
When I consult with a business that is floundering, I always start with one inquiry. Tell me about when you were profitable. The answer to this question is telling. It uncovers the moment things went wrong. I can’t reverse a loss unless I understand what led to it. The marketer in me needs to connect the dots to the entire story.
This is why I rejected the word re-invention.
I was once profitable.
I didn’t need to be re-invented, I needed to be resurrected.
The former implies a complete re-branding. The latter conveys the restoration of a solid and successful brand. I was still Colleen. I was still that woman. I hadn’t lost my identity. I had lost my way. I had a few less-than-profitable years.
My life had hit an emotional recession.
My brutally abusive and elongated divorce forced me to survive not to thrive.
I had to correct my mindset. My ex-husband didn’t take me down. He didn’t change me. He didn’t destroy Colleen. As hard as he tried, it wasn’t possible.
Colleen was still Colleen at her core.
We don’t lose our core selves.
It may be temporarily quieted, it may painfully act out, it may become defeated, it may become exhausted, it may shift into the need to survive rather than thrive.
But it never leaves us.
It’s our choice if we want to resurrect it.
Or allow terrible experiences to permanently alter who we are.
It’s a climb out of that hole for sure. It’s excruciating. It’s more difficult because we can’t see the top from the inside of a divorce. Divorce has an uncanny and shocking ability to threaten our personal identity.
Especially when we consider it’s one person’s opinion.
It’s one individual we escape.
But we absorb all of the archaic, stereotypical, self-esteem-damaging opinions and comments that accompany divorce. We allow lost friendships to attack our self-worth. We convince ourselves that what one spouse inflicted during a divorce defines who we are.
Divorce is pain.
Divorce is a process because it’s a form of grief, living grief.
But it’s also the best life-changing self-improvement opportunity.
We get ourselves back. That too is a process. It must be because we’ve either given away or abandoned ourselves by remaining in an unhealthy situation too long. It not only erodes our happiness it brings out less than-favorable qualities. I didn’t just stop liking myself because of my husband’s bad behavior.
I stopped liking myself because my reactions to that behavior were ugly.
I was never someone who yelled.
I wasn’t someone who said the kind of things even four walls shouldn’t hear. I wasn’t someone who vented her stress or sent long texts. I wasn’t a mother filled with fear who now said things I would never have normally said to my children. I was a mom who sent one consistent and positive message of love.
Did my husband’s severely abusive divorce behavior take me down?
Yes. No one should experience a five-year divorce battle.
It eroded my confidence and ability to problem solve because he kept creating bigger problems. But I was already far reduced by the time I left him. It was one of the reasons I was no match for him during a divorce.
Divorce is a life-altering experience.
I limped through much of it.
I cried I prayed, I worried, I stressed, I feared. I gave my power away to a man.
Even after my divorce, I convinced myself he took the better parts of me.
Then I became accountable and reminded myself I gave away the better parts of myself. It was my choice to believe he could take anything away from the core of who I am.
Divorce is my best life-changing self-improvement opportunity.
I can resurrect myself by reminding myself of who I have always been.
This is why I started with a vision board.
One that is all about me. It’s a daily visual reminder of who Colleen is. It’s one of the first things I see each morning. It pushes away the internal narrative I have developed throughout a failing marriage and divorce.
Who is Colleen?
What’s on my vision board?
My vision board is filled with quotes because that’s the writer in me. Most of these are about love, family, and inspiration because that’s what is most important to me. I have multiple ‘Joie de Vivre captions because my mother always said I was born with it.
I pinned a photo of myself from the time before I began to forget who I was because I recognize that girl. She’s not a stranger.
I cut many different magazine photos.
There are pictures of horses and other animals because I love to ride and I love all gentle creatures. There are pics of entertainment because as the youngest of five children, I have a passion for it. I was known for my parties. I have photos of tea cups because I collected them as a child and they remind me of sifting through my mother’s when I was young.
I have beach house pics from the Jersey Shore because it reminds me of the girl who believed anything is possible and set goals from a young age. It allowed me to settle on a beach house at just 30 years old.
I have guilty pleasures that define me like rings even though my sister always asks me, “Colleen, how many fingers do you have?” But rings surpass any other type of jewelry to me.
When I look at my vision board I am reminded of who I am.
I am resurrecting myself.
I am a joy-filled girl, who grew up writing in her Mickey Mouse diary, sending pen pal letters, and scribbling notes to her mother. I am a positive, optimistic dreamer. I am the girl who grew up in the country outside of metropolitan Washington, D.C. chasing the magic of fireflies, dogs, and horses. I am the overly social youngest of five who loves a full house and loves to entertain. I am a creative who loves to dream up new party themes and product ideas. I love the magic of anything that sparkles and glitters, especially rings. I feel the pull of home, family, and faith the strongest. The tea cups are a reminder of my Irish mother who never met a stranger and offered everyone a meal and a cup of tea. I am a goal-setter who believes in the impossible and that fairy tales do come true. The beach house reminds me of this quality within me.
I’ve left space on my vision board to add more things.
I’ve gone back to my goal-setting ways by adding a picture of a car and a house. I will continue to fill in the dots. I will continue this path of restoration.
I am a woman who will resurrect herself.
Lots of people get lost in life.
It doesn’t require a divorce to lose yourself.
It could be a job, a relationship that’s a little too one-sided, the need to make others happy, a friendship that’s draining, the need to keep a difficult personality content, abandoning everything for motherhood and not tending to your own needs.
We walk away from ourselves for many reasons.
Unfortunately, we don’t notice until we’ve shed much of who we are.
Divorce is pain. Divorce is a life-altering experience.
It’s also the best life-changing self-improvement opportunity.
We resurrect ourselves.
We can get ourselves back.
Why Divorce Is the Best Life-Changing Self-Improvement Opportunity
And why I am creating a new vision board for my life
Divorce cast darkness in my life. The type of hole I wasn’t sure I was capable of digging myself out of. It shocked even me. The self-help junkie, the eternal optimist, the positive thinker, the goal setter, and Joie de vivre girl.
I chose divorce.
I wanted to leave my husband.
I was singing in the shower the morning after I met with an attorney. But I underestimated an angry and vengeful man would abusively elongate the process for five years and leave me with nothing.
I was no longer singing and I no longer liked myself.
I was no longer a confident and self-assured woman.
I had fallen out of love with myself.
It was scary. As hard as I tried I couldn’t retrieve myself. It didn’t matter what I did. I told myself I was still the same person. But it was a vicious cycle. I wanted to be positive but negative thoughts kept creeping back in.
How could one man reduce me to this?
How could one individual make me dislike and doubt myself?
Divorce shouldn’t make a person lose their entire identity.
I read a lot about healing from divorce. I read about people who remarried. I read about people who surrendered to surviving rather than thriving after divorce. I read about divorce coaches who cheer you on. I read about re-inventing yourself.
None of these things spoke to me.
I didn’t want to reinvent myself.
I liked who I used to be. The person that existed before I allowed an unhealthy relationship to change me. The one who roamed freely before a brutal bully wore her down at every corner.
I wanted that girl back.
I didn’t want a new woman in my life.
And I didn’t want to meet a man until she was back. I didn’t want to date a stranger while I was a stranger. I didn’t want to meet someone while I was on shaky ground. I had fled a faltering foundation.
Sometimes you have to give up and stop trying so hard.
To see what’s right before your eyes.
There’s a reason I didn’t want to reinvent myself. It’s not because I don’t believe in new adventures, new passions, or new careers. I love reading stories of the second acts of women. They’re exciting and energizing. You go, girl!
It’s just that something felt off.
The marketer meets relationship columnist in me saw things differently.
When I consult with a business that is floundering, I always start with one inquiry. Tell me about when you were profitable. The answer to this question is telling. It uncovers the moment things went wrong. I can’t reverse a loss unless I understand what led to it. The marketer in me needs to connect the dots to the entire story.
This is why I rejected the word re-invention.
I was once profitable.
I didn’t need to be re-invented, I needed to be resurrected.
The former implies a complete re-branding. The latter conveys the restoration of a solid and successful brand. I was still Colleen. I was still that woman. I hadn’t lost my identity. I had lost my way. I had a few less-than-profitable years.
My life had hit an emotional recession.
My brutally abusive and elongated divorce forced me to survive not to thrive.
I had to correct my mindset. My ex-husband didn’t take me down. He didn’t change me. He didn’t destroy Colleen. As hard as he tried, it wasn’t possible.
Colleen was still Colleen at her core.
We don’t lose our core selves.
It may be temporarily quieted, it may painfully act out, it may become defeated, it may become exhausted, it may shift into the need to survive rather than thrive.
But it never leaves us.
It’s our choice if we want to resurrect it.
Or allow terrible experiences to permanently alter who we are.
It’s a climb out of that hole for sure. It’s excruciating. It’s more difficult because we can’t see the top from the inside of a divorce. Divorce has an uncanny and shocking ability to threaten our personal identity.
Especially when we consider it’s one person’s opinion.
It’s one individual we escape.
But we absorb all of the archaic, stereotypical, self-esteem-damaging opinions and comments that accompany divorce. We allow lost friendships to attack our self-worth. We convince ourselves that what one spouse inflicted during a divorce defines who we are.
Divorce is pain.
Divorce is a process because it’s a form of grief, living grief.
But it’s also the best life-changing self-improvement opportunity.
We get ourselves back. That too is a process. It must be because we’ve either given away or abandoned ourselves by remaining in an unhealthy situation too long. It not only erodes our happiness it brings out less than-favorable qualities. I didn’t just stop liking myself because of my husband’s bad behavior.
I stopped liking myself because my reactions to that behavior were ugly.
I was never someone who yelled.
I wasn’t someone who said the kind of things even four walls shouldn’t hear. I wasn’t someone who vented her stress or sent long texts. I wasn’t a mother filled with fear who now said things I would never have normally said to my children. I was a mom who sent one consistent and positive message of love.
Did my husband’s severely abusive divorce behavior take me down?
Yes. No one should experience a five-year divorce battle.
It eroded my confidence and ability to problem solve because he kept creating bigger problems. But I was already far reduced by the time I left him. It was one of the reasons I was no match for him during a divorce.
Divorce is a life-altering experience.
I limped through much of it.
I cried I prayed, I worried, I stressed, I feared. I gave my power away to a man.
Even after my divorce, I convinced myself he took the better parts of me.
Then I became accountable and reminded myself I gave away the better parts of myself. It was my choice to believe he could take anything away from the core of who I am.
Divorce is my best life-changing self-improvement opportunity.
I can resurrect myself by reminding myself of who I have always been.
This is why I started with a vision board.
One that is all about me. It’s a daily visual reminder of who Colleen is. It’s one of the first things I see each morning. It pushes away the internal narrative I have developed throughout a failing marriage and divorce.
Who is Colleen?
What’s on my vision board?
My vision board is filled with quotes because that’s the writer in me. Most of these are about love, family, and inspiration because that’s what is most important to me. I have multiple ‘Joie de Vivre captions because my mother always said I was born with it.
I pinned a photo of myself from the time before I began to forget who I was because I recognize that girl. She’s not a stranger.
I cut many different magazine photos.
There are pictures of horses and other animals because I love to ride and I love all gentle creatures. There are pics of entertainment because as the youngest of five children, I have a passion for it. I was known for my parties. I have photos of tea cups because I collected them as a child and they remind me of sifting through my mother’s when I was young.
I have beach house pics from the Jersey Shore because it reminds me of the girl who believed anything is possible and set goals from a young age. It allowed me to settle on a beach house at just 30 years old.
I have guilty pleasures that define me like rings even though my sister always asks me, “Colleen, how many fingers do you have?” But rings surpass any other type of jewelry to me.
When I look at my vision board I am reminded of who I am.
I am resurrecting myself.
I am a joy-filled girl, who grew up writing in her Mickey Mouse diary, sending pen pal letters, and scribbling notes to her mother. I am a positive, optimistic dreamer. I am the girl who grew up in the country outside of metropolitan Washington, D.C. chasing the magic of fireflies, dogs, and horses. I am the overly social youngest of five who loves a full house and loves to entertain. I am a creative who loves to dream up new party themes and product ideas. I love the magic of anything that sparkles and glitters, especially rings. I feel the pull of home, family, and faith the strongest. The tea cups are a reminder of my Irish mother who never met a stranger and offered everyone a meal and a cup of tea. I am a goal-setter who believes in the impossible and that fairy tales do come true. The beach house reminds me of this quality within me.
I’ve left space on my vision board to add more things.
I’ve gone back to my goal-setting ways by adding a picture of a car and a house. I will continue to fill in the dots. I will continue this path of restoration.
I am a woman who will resurrect herself.
Lots of people get lost in life.
It doesn’t require a divorce to lose yourself.
It could be a job, a relationship that’s a little too one-sided, the need to make others happy, a friendship that’s draining, the need to keep a difficult personality content, abandoning everything for motherhood and not tending to your own needs.
We walk away from ourselves for many reasons.
Unfortunately, we don’t notice until we’ve shed much of who we are.
Divorce is pain. Divorce is a life-altering experience.
It’s also the best life-changing self-improvement opportunity.
We resurrect ourselves.
We can get ourselves back.