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Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 14, 2023 1:41:18 GMT -5
So, most of the time I am doing ok... but tonight I am a bit low. I want to share something that happened for discussion.
My husband had been drinking. Most of the time this might be bad but I feel like it makes hi mess up and I learn his mind in a less filtered and skilled way. He was really drunk and wanted me to prove my symptoms of diabetes. He didn't believe I had diabetes. (WTF do I do with that?)
I choose not to argue and difuse the situation because he was drunk. But now I know the truth... He doesn't believe me. How can this be true? I find the need to defend myself despite the fact that this was clear gaslighting. I have brought my A1c from a 9 down to 6.7. No thanks to him or his buying pasties extra.
I cant decide if I like hi. drunk so I can find the truth or if it's just further proof of how he is making me crazy.
I often feel unclear. Unclear about everything....
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 14, 2023 13:58:57 GMT -5
He is gaslighting you and making you crazy. I hope you have a therapist so you can get support and clarity.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 14, 2023 17:32:14 GMT -5
Its gaslighting. Is he being deliberate about it with an intent to control? I dunno. If he was drinking when he said it I'd think otherwise.
Be alert to it and maybe look into ways to address it when you sense it happening. The grey rock method gets spoken about a lot. You may want to look into whether that might apply for your case.
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2023 0:07:27 GMT -5
Yep, you are being gaslighted.
Setting that aside for a moment, I don't think his medical opinion about your diabetes is worth jack shit.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 15, 2023 4:58:54 GMT -5
So, most of the time I am doing ok... but tonight I am a bit low. I want to share something that happened for discussion. My husband had been drinking. Most of the time this might be bad but I feel like it makes hi mess up and I learn his mind in a less filtered and skilled way. He was really drunk and wanted me to prove my symptoms of diabetes. He didn't believe I had diabetes. (WTF do I do with that?) I choose not to argue and diffuse the situation because he was drunk. But now I know the truth... He doesn't believe me. How can this be true? I find the need to defend myself despite the fact that this was clear gaslighting. I have brought my A1c from a 9 down to 6.7. No thanks to him or his buying pasties extra. I cant decide if I like hi. drunk so I can find the truth or if it's just further proof of how he is making me crazy. I often feel unclear. Unclear about everything.... Maybe gaslighting. One other possibility. How much of this may be aimed at the medical establishment? Does he rant about vaccines? Pills? "Unnecessary" tests? High insurance premiums/bills? Medicare going broke? Is his dismissal your diabetes in particular, or might he be skeptical about how the diagnosis itself is used? Is it self-defense for terrible diet habits he doesn't want to change? "Our grandparents ate lard sandwiches three meals a day and were fine!" For the record, diabetes is a continuum. When our A1C levels slip just under or over the number our glucose tests give us, it isn't an on/off switch. Every 0.1 lower improves, every 0.1 higher hurts. There's nothing magic about the goal number. Setting this aside, SM will make a person unclear, even if "everything else is fine." I don't mean to dismiss or diminish the unpleasantness even if the diabetes piece is not personal. (which it might be) |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 15, 2023 11:00:50 GMT -5
+1000 to this 👇 Setting that aside for a moment, I don't think his medical opinion about your diabetes is worth jack shit. |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 18, 2023 1:22:01 GMT -5
Does anyone have any strategies for dealing with this kind of behavior?
I had another episode with him tonight. He was mad that he wasn't invited to go on an outing with our son when he came home for a weekend visit. Furthermore, the minute the kids were gone he proceeded to tell me the whole day was a waste of time because we didn't go to the place he recommended. When the kids got home he proceeded to tell them that they should have gone to the place he recommended.
I have a really hard time when he does this. It's hard not to get wrapped up in his bullshit. It's hard not to feel bad. It's hard not to believe him.
I need strategies.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jun 19, 2023 7:01:16 GMT -5
Does anyone have any strategies for dealing with this kind of behavior? I had another episode with him tonight. He was mad that he wasn't invited to go on an outing with our son when he came home for a weekend visit. Furthermore, the minute the kids were gone he proceeded to tell me the whole day was a waste of time because we didn't go to the place he recommended. When the kids got home he proceeded to tell them that they should have gone to the place he recommended. I have a really hard time when he does this. It's hard not to get wrapped up in his bullshit. It's hard not to feel bad. It's hard not to believe him. I need strategies. Holding his opinion that far above everyone else? "waste of time"? The whole day? Nothing was good? Renee Swanson's husband sounds like yours. She left him, so the main reason I'd send you there is to hear that your confusion/puzzlement is normal. You're not alone. It's like ILIASM, that way. She doesn't have much in the way of behavioral modification to better relate. Unlike her, you may not be at wits' end and maybe there's an intervention that would be effective. Strengthening your resolve that his self-importance is an opinion no better than your own could help you set up boundaries to prioritize your own preferences (not needs, don't limit yourself to that), but backed up by recognition and scrutiny of what constitutes important priorities for him, which you might indulge, and mere whims which you can choose to demur some of the time. Much talk of narcissism is coupled with scoffing talk of hopelessness, but Swanson points out that there are degrees. Just because she runs sometimes doesn't make her an athlete. Someone wrapped up in selfishness or full of themselves sometimes isn't always a narcissist. Mental illness is a continuum. Narcissism isn't on and off more than many other conditions, anxiety, depression, OCD. Some are pathological, others merely annoying. Some can be improved, some may require an absolute catastrophe before change can occur. Your husband got upset that he wasn't invited to one of these "wastes of time" you engaged in with your son, was he? If you called his attention to this contradiction, he might dodge the question, sulk, or provide an irrelevant insult, if he's like Swanson's ex. I'd encourage you to keep cerebral and not let emotions of hurt or contempt dominate your thinking, as hard as that is. If you'd like to improve things, giving in to unreasonable behavior to "keep the peace" doesn't work long term, but neither does slipping into loathing. Self-respect and gentle, loving, firm boundaries might be the direction to go in? Protecting yourself can improve the marriage for you, which, like it or not, improves it for him too. Given his elevated sense of his superior thinking, perhaps two words that may help are "Humor me?". It may be a way to introduce the idea that your "inferior" ideas must become a more integral part of your lives. Taking turns is kindergarten level relationship science. Who knows, once in a while he'll enjoy himself, or see that a case can be made for your decisions? |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 22, 2023 21:36:48 GMT -5
Wow the Renee Swanson stuff is great!
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