The butterfly lays its eggs on the choistest leaves

That is sad. I mean you don't have to do everything together but should be able to make compromises. My ex didn't refuse doing things but he made it known that it wasn't something he enjoyed and made it miserable. So I gave some of it up for awhile. Then I just started doing things with my friends that I liked and he didn't. After awhile he felt left out. But I was past caring about his feelings since he didn't care about mine

I too am my wife's caregiver, yes, I need to do things by myself, in fact, my wife encourages me to get out and do stuff, make friends etc. outside of our home. HOWEVER, I resent having to do this, my happiness would be to have our old life back, where we used to do most things together. We do lots of overseas travel but I find I am miserable knowing that we will be in these lovely places, in beautiful (mostly lol) hotels, but knowing the chance of any romance or intimacy is practically zero. With resentment comes contempt for the other person, it's a roller coaster of emotions most days.
I resent that I am forced to go outside of the marriage to get my 'needs' met, coupled with living in a semi-rural area makes it real difficult as well. Most of the time jerking off is just a whole lot easier, doesn't exactly make for a reasonable substitute though.

My X and did tons of stuff together. We had date nights to movies, the theater, ball games. We visited her femily on the holidays or they came to us. We were an excellent team when preparing our home for meals when we had guests. We traveled. We sailed the ocean blue and we flew across the US to attend a wedding for the child of our neighbor. I could go on about all the things we did together. But those things did not amount to a hill of beans when she decided that celibacy was the new normal for us. 
In the last yrs of the marriage my x developed a condition that eventually ended the marriage. That condition is called menopause. Prior to menopause she had a libido that easily matched mine. We were very closely alligned sexually. Both of us enjoying a variety of sexual practices, positions and spontaneous outbursts of intimate activity. But in the end it didn't amount to a hill of beans. 
There were other things that impacted the marriage and contributed to its demise. But the menopause I believe began the slide toward a sexless marriage. And when your partner has vertually no libido it is foolish to think that the emotional connection can be maintained through shared non-sexual activities. Those types of shared activities are what friends do. And if your relatiobship dissolves into non love based activities, then it will not be long before you become something more like room mates in a platonic setting. from there it is one small step to finding oneself enduring a SM.

If your life with your spouse is miserable, doing activities with them won't make it better. Doing activities without them could make you happier. Even in good marriages it's smart to have some activities you do independently of your spouse because all marriages end in death or divorce.

lessingham: "Here is a few. Swimming. I love swimming but my wife hates it. Hence no swimming. Our local pool has a dim view if elderly single men alone in the pool.
Thailand. I loved it, she hated it so never again.
Beer. Not falling down drunk but I koved Sunday afternoon in a pub. Nope."

Unless your wife is physically restraining you (and since she is infirm, I doubt she can do that), nothing except you prevents you from doing the things you like. You often imply that your wife prevents you from doing things but it has to be really you preventing yourself from doing things. If you really wanted to do those things, you'd do them.
As for your local pool not liking elderly single men in the pool? WTF? Unless an elderly man is literally drooling at bikinied women or is making inappropriate propositions to them it's hard to imagine anyone would care or even notice that he's there.
As for Thailand, arrange for a caregiver for your wife and go there by yourself. Life is short. For all you know, she may outlive you. Both of you need to have ways of living independently because unless you die together, one day there will be only one of you. If one has been totally dependent on the other or has centered their life completely around your spouse, whoever is left will be virtually helpless unless you both create some independence now.
And doing some things without your spouse is normal and healthy in a marriage. Marriage doesn't mean being glued together or having only each other as friends.

I've never heard a disparaging word about the land, but the in-flight movies...

lessingham: "Going to the theatre, ballet or opera.
Solo trips to London are met with accusatory silence, she does not trust me."

So what? Ignore her. Her lack of trust is her problem. You don't have to make her trust problems your handcuffs. And considering that your wife basically orders you around and puts you down, you could choose to enjoy her silence. 

"It is a sad fact of life that single men are viewed with suspicion. I was called out for collecting my son from school, single man outside school must be a pervert. When he was a toddler taking him to the park was a nightmare, glares and asking why I was there. Or maybe I look like the stereotypical dirty old man."

You see what you want to see. I see single men with their kids, and what I see are the men getting lots of smiles from strangers and being viewed as good fathers. My ex was a good father and took our sons many places by himself including on solo trips. The only time he told me he got those kind of looks was when he ended up in Chicago with our kids, who were about 1 and 5. He was taking them to meet me in Arizona (I'd gone to Atlanta from Detroit on a business trip, and was going to meet him and the kids in Arizona in March where he had a business trip). He missed his direct flight to Arizona so had to take an alternate flight and spend the the night in Chicago. He'd left the kids' winter clothes in the car in the Detroit airport. He told me that people rolled their eyes at him thinking he was probably either very irresponsible or was abducting with the kids. Other than that, he never mentioned ever getting those kind of looks.In fact, when we were flying together but had to sit apart, I'd let him hold the fussy child because people are far more tolerant of men with misbehaving kids than they are of women.

Lessingham: "Interesting idea about me self censoring, looking for an excuses not to do things rather for reasons to do them."

When I was married, both my husband and I took some solo trips. He took some trips to see sports events and relatives I had no interest in seeing. I took a solo trip to New Orleans because a comp plane ticket I'd gotten was getting ready to expire and he was working. Another time, I spent a long weekend in San Francisco while he was working and I was off. I've also gone other solo trips to see friends, to take classes and to do retreats.

I've never looked for or asked for permission. When I was with my husband and we had young kids, I just made sure that my trips were at a time that my husband or someone else could take care of the kids.

With my post SM partner of 10 years, I took my first solo trip -- a yoga retreat and a visit to my brother who lived near the retreat center -- about a year into our relationship. My partner wasn't into yoga, so it wasn't a trip he'd want to do. He expressed that he'd miss me but that didn't deter me. Heck, I'd miss him, but I still wanted to go.

This year, I took a trip to Seattle to take an improv workshop. My partner likes improv, but didn't want to spend that kind of money. Next month, I'm going on a 4 day silent retreat about 1.5 hours away. My partner isn't into those kind of things, but they are important to me.

Again: I don't ask permission to do these things. I let my partner know in advance. He knows I love him. If he had trust problems, that would be his problem, not mine. And if he had huge trust problems, he'd quickly become an ex. I will not chose to be with someone who incorrectly thinks I'm a cheater.

lessingham: "Interesting idea about me self censoring, looking for an excuses not to do things rather for reasons to do them."

That is what you are doing. You actually have a lot of power in your relationship but you chose not to use that power. Instead, you blame our wife for your own inhibitions. Her reacting with "accusatory silence" is not putting you in handcuffs. That you allow your life to be so miserable and constricted allegedly due to her baleful looks is on you. You are living the life you've chosen. You could choose to make very different decisions. The ball really is in your court.It is not your wife's fault that you don't do the things that would give you joy. If she died tomorrow, I bet you'd continue to live your life the same way you've been doing for years. If one is scared or inhibited, one can always find an excuse to not break out of one's constricted life.

You've posted before that if you divorce you imagine living alone in a bed sit.  That's the future you imagine for yourself because you don't feel you have a right to more. Someone else might imagine themselves having a lively social life even if they did only live post divorce in a rented room. When I decided to divorce, I had gotten to the point of feeling I'd be happier living alone in a rented room than continuing to live with my husband in my dream house. I didn't imagine myself just sitting in the room sad and alone. I imagined myself having a lively life with friends and (low cost) activities. That's because I'd already created a life for myself with friends and activities. I knew that I could be very happy and involved in life despite being single.