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Post by deadzone75 on Aug 28, 2023 0:24:11 GMT -5
It sounds like you are pretty much her caregiver 24/7. The picture painted is that her health is the main reason why sex is off the table, yet you are constantly traveling overseas. Even for a healthy adult, traveling overseas one time can be taxing. I have a friend who travels to England twice a month and does nothing but complain how grueling it is. All this travel is manageable for her, but a simple handjob isn't? The travel is very tiring for her, but she is driven by her desire and commitment to help and assist people with the same disease as her. I do understand that, it is admirable indeed. It would be very difficult for her to travel alone, hence I am ‘dragged’ along. The mention of a “handjob” is more or less where my thoughts were drifting just a little while ago this evening. In my head the words are along the lines of, “you do so much for other people, yet a simple thing like some form of intimacy with me is out of the question!”. I won’t even try and initiate anything anymore, feelings of rejection are not nice. That in turn makes me feel even more resentful, knowing that would be the outcome. I am becoming so resentful and bitter with the situation, and I don’t want to be that way. I just don’t know what to do anymore. Unfortunate that she doesn't show you the same drive and desire that she shows total strangers. |
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Post by lessingham on Aug 28, 2023 1:53:22 GMT -5
This week I will go swimming
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 28, 2023 6:03:14 GMT -5
Going to the theatre, ballet or opera. Solo trips to London are met with accusatory silence, she does not trust me. It is a sad fact of life that single men are viewed with suspicion. I was called out for collecting my son from school, single man outside school must be a pervert. When he was a toddler taking him to the park was a nightmare, glares and asking why I was there. Or maybe I look like the stereotypical dirty old man. Interesting idea about me self censoring, looking for an excuses not to do things rather for reasons to do them. Gotta persevere. I got confused, puzzled, wary looks from the women at the pre-school program and the PTA. Only one guy. This was 1999. The call for fathers to be more involved was in its toddler years. Stay at home dads were new. (I was not a SAHD [gosh, what an unfortunate acronym!]) There's lots of blubbering about dads not helping with the kids, but if they tried, they get the stink eye. Like your wife's druthers and suspicions, I ignored them. I belonged there. I became the PTA secretary, one mom started imitating some of my rituals with my daughter at the preschool. Karens weren't a thing yet, so I don't know if this will work. Bring your cell phone to record her "police voice", if necessary. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 28, 2023 8:07:33 GMT -5
It's been 40 yrs ago but I still remember the looks I got from women when going through the airport in San Diego with my sisters baby in a chest carrier. She was single and about to be deployed (Navy) so I agreed to care for her child for 6-8 months. From the stares I got you would have thought I had a sign on my chest that said "baby kidnapping in progress".
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 28, 2023 13:09:27 GMT -5
FWIW, my sons are 35, 39. My exhusband and I raised them in Michigan and Florida (We didn't divorce until 10 years ago). He was a good father involved in everything from taking the kids to doctors appointments to being a PTA officer to taking the kids on solo trips.
No matter who you are -- male or female -- there always will be people who will give disapproving looks. Moms get that, too, from other women who think they are better parents than the mom. That's just the way the world is. One can't let other people's judgy looks run your life.
I also know men who have been SAH dads. They did the bulk of the childcare and domestic chores while their wives worked high powered jobs. If people were judgy about them, the men didn't talk about it.
By the time I was a teen I had decided I didn't want to live life like my mom-- constantly looking over her shoulder in case people were judging her. That's why she never divorced my dad despite their toxic marriage. She was afraid "people will talk."
If one wants to be fulfilled in life, one needs to have the guts to follow one's interests and not worry about judgy people.
BTW, when it comes to men being out with their kids: They tend to get a lot of compliments and admiring looks. A mom doing the same is ignored because people expect women to nurture their kids.
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Post by lessingham on Aug 29, 2023 7:31:31 GMT -5
"What are you doing here, there are kids here!"
Me, " I know, I am here with my son."
"Which one is he?"
"Him,"
"What's his name?"
"Matthew,why?"
"So if I call him, he better come running or I call the police!"
Still have nightmares about that one
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Post by isthisit on Aug 29, 2023 11:08:16 GMT -5
"What are you doing here, there are kids here!" Me, " I know, I am here with my son." "Which one is he?" "Him," "What's his name?" "Matthew,why?" "So if I call him, he better come running or I call the police!" Still have nightmares about that one Good Lord, this idiot is really fortunate they did not exercise their stupidity to me in this way, I would have wiped the bloody floor with them. For starters why did you have nightmares? What exactly do you imagine a police officer would be concerned about? There are no laws prohibiting males being in the vicinity of children, FFS. The implication that all men are a danger to children and no women are, is a lazy stereotype and a ludicrous, offensive and harmful one at that. Safeguarding children is a significant part of my professional role and such nonsense is not in the least bit helpful for those of us charged with actually delivering something helpful for children. If I were there, I would have pointed out that there are laws protecting against discrimination and hate speech based on gender- so yeah, dickhead, let’s call the cops, and see what they say. Bollocks like this really irritates me, as does tolerance of it. lessingham , you care far too much about what other people think. Including your horrible spouse. So what she gets a shitty on when you dare to do something towards your own happiness such as swimming or trips to London. I expect her concern would be around lessening her vice like grip on her control of you, when she should be encouraging you to be happy. Please schedule that BJ on the way back from the pool. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 29, 2023 20:39:37 GMT -5
isthisit: "
lessingham , you care far too much about what other people think. Including your horrible spouse. So what she gets a shitty on when you dare to do something towards your own happiness such as swimming or trips to London. I expect her concern would be around lessening her vice like grip on her control of you, when she should be encouraging you to be happy. Please schedule that BJ on the way back from the pool. "
I agree with you, isthisit.
Isthisit: "Good Lord, this idiot is really fortunate they did not exercise their stupidity to me in this way, I would have wiped the bloody floor with them. For starters why did you have nightmares? What exactly do you imagine a police officer would be concerned about? There are no laws prohibiting males being in the vicinity of children, FFS. The implication that all men are a danger to children and no women are, is a lazy stereotype and a ludicrous, offensive and harmful one at that."
I also agree with you here. I don't understand why Lessingham had nightmares about that incident. He could have just laughed in the "Karen"'s face. Obviously, police aren't going to arrest a man for taking his own son to the park. They'd more likely chew her out for being a sexist busybody.
Lessingham, if you lack the fortitude to do the things you long to do, then you might as well learn to enjoy the situation you're in. Your wife and son aren't going to change. Since you've spent decades being miserable under her thumb and you're now a senior, it's not likely you'll change. perhaps lowering your expectations would make life more enjoyable. Don't expect sex and empathy from your wife or responsibility from your son. You can't change them and from what you've posted here, you're unwilling to live the kind of life you think you'd enjoy.
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Post by baza on Aug 30, 2023 0:17:07 GMT -5
I think that Brother lessingham 's posts in here are extraordinarily valueable. Not because they actually help our Brother very much, if at all, but rather what other members might be able to learn from the lessington stories which may provide a cautionary lesson of where a policy of appeasement is likely to end up. That won't help lessingham, but it may save others from going down that rabbit hole. |
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Post by jerri on Aug 30, 2023 0:40:46 GMT -5
Venting for him is the most important. He's a valuable member
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Post by lessingham on Aug 30, 2023 8:45:36 GMT -5
Thank you, jerri. I owe you a cyber beer
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Post by deadzone75 on Aug 30, 2023 10:45:36 GMT -5
Going to the theatre, ballet or opera. Solo trips to London are met with accusatory silence, she does not trust me. It is a sad fact of life that single men are viewed with suspicion. I was called out for collecting my son from school, single man outside school must be a pervert. When he was a toddler taking him to the park was a nightmare, glares and asking why I was there. Or maybe I look like the stereotypical dirty old man. Interesting idea about me self censoring, looking for an excuses not to do things rather for reasons to do them. So she is aware that you want sex; she's not oblivious to the needs of a human being. But why would she pout about it if all you've ever done is wait on her hand and foot, showing no signs of getting your needs met elsewhere? Because she knows what it's doing to you and doesn't care. All she cares about is having you wipe her ass and take her all over the world so she can say "chin up!" to other strangers with her affliction. Noble to the world, a tyrant behind closed doors. The disease is unfortunate, but this not a good person, not by any description here. As far as single men being viewed in a poor light, that might have been true in the 90's. In fact, I know it was. If you had a kid and someone found out you paid child support...well, you were a fucking asshole who MUST have been the one to fuck up and ruin the relationship, likely cheating with several women and probably being an abusive drunk to boot. A single male parent was scum of the earth with no day in court back then...over two decades ago. Now? Go watch the movie "Little Children". A dude in a SM takes his kid to the park and multiple ladies want to jump his dick on sight. |
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 30, 2023 11:06:54 GMT -5
deadzone: "As far as single men being viewed in a poor light, that might have been true in the 90's. In fact, I know it was. If you had a kid and someone found out you paid child support...well, you were a fucking asshole who MUST have been the one to fuck up and ruin the relationship, likely cheating with several women and probably being an abusive drunk to boot. A single male parent was scum of the earth with no day in court back then...over two decades ago. Now? Go watch the movie "Little Children". A dude in a SM takes his kid to the park and multiple ladies want to jump his dick on sight. "
I'm 72 and have always seen men praised for just doing regular parenting things with their kids. Frankly, I've never chosen to date a man with kids because the only kids I have wanted to raise were my own, but some women are attracted to such men. It's similar to how walking a dog makes many men seem approachable to many women.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 30, 2023 20:19:24 GMT -5
"What are you doing here, there are kids here!" Me, " I know, I am here with my son." "Which one is he?" "Him," "What's his name?" "Matthew, why?" "So if I call him, he better come running or I call the police!" Still have nightmares about that one Give her a look of panic, dash over to your son, pick him up, run to your car, and peel out of the parking lot. Come back five minutes later and continue your day as if nothing happened. |
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Post by jerri on Aug 30, 2023 20:40:40 GMT -5
Thank you, jerri. I owe you a cyber beer I don't drink but If I ever cross the pond I would be expecting something else.🤣😂😇 |
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