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Post by lonewalker on Sept 8, 2023 2:33:04 GMT -5
Early 40s guy here, married since i was 19. Im sure there are unfortunately too many people here, male and female, who share my story and circumstances. ivr always had a high drive for intimacy and sex, a trait my wife and I shared for many years. Until one day a couple of years ago she suddenly announced her sex drive was gone, nothing medical, I was concerned but she assured me, nothing I had done. she just woke up one day and realized, im not interested in sex anymore. Now of course im paraphrasing but that was the gist of it. I asked if it was something id done, something i could help with, even if it were her feelings for me had changed. she insisted it was none of those. Is it selfish to want more? to expect an explanation?
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Post by Same old, same old on Sept 8, 2023 6:01:33 GMT -5
Early 40s guy here, married since i was 19. Im sure there are unfortunately too many people here, male and female, who share my story and circumstances. ivr always had a high drive for intimacy and sex, a trait my wife and I shared for many years. Until one day a couple of years ago she suddenly announced her sex drive was gone, nothing medical, I was concerned but she assured me, nothing I had done. she just woke up one day and realized, im not interested in sex anymore. Now of course im paraphrasing but that was the gist of it. I asked if it was something id done, something i could help with, even if it were her feelings for me had changed. she insisted it was none of those. Is it selfish to want more? to expect an explanation? It is not selfish at all to want more or expect an explanation! Something is up with her ... you don't just stop having interest anymore. Either she's going through something, mentally or physically, and just can't bring herself to tell you, or she's getting it on the side. Don't beat yourself up ... she needs to explain. |
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Post by blunder8 on Sept 8, 2023 8:25:16 GMT -5
It's not selfish. It is her obligation to explain it to you. Further, it is her responsibility to figure it out, whether it is medical, emotional, or whatever. Imagine if you announced to her that you just have no desire to talk or communicate in any way with her going forward. And then assure her that it wasn't anything she did.
Welcome to the saddest club. I hope you'll find some answers and strategies reading through the forums.
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m76
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Post by m76 on Sept 8, 2023 8:30:39 GMT -5
Early 40s guy here, married since i was 19. Im sure there are unfortunately too many people here, male and female, who share my story and circumstances. ivr always had a high drive for intimacy and sex, a trait my wife and I shared for many years. Until one day a couple of years ago she suddenly announced her sex drive was gone, nothing medical, I was concerned but she assured me, nothing I had done. she just woke up one day and realized, im not interested in sex anymore. Now of course im paraphrasing but that was the gist of it. I asked if it was something id done, something i could help with, even if it were her feelings for me had changed. she insisted it was none of those. Is it selfish to want more? to expect an explanation? Your situation is similar to mine. I got married young too. Sex before was awesome, and after getting married sex slowly declined to once a week, to once a month to once every few months to nothing at all. I talked to her about it recently and she also told me it's just not something that she cares about and doesn't want anymore. I'm still working myself up to give an ultimatim but knowing I probably can't change her mind I'm scared of walking away from 25 years of shared history and friendship. |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 8, 2023 9:24:57 GMT -5
Hello and sorry you had to join this club....
I think peoples drive ........ebbs and flows.
while people can experience dry spells or times it is not frequent ... when a partner basically decides for BOTH that no more....... there needs to be an explanation and IMO every possible avenue to fix or compromise should be made.
I do not think a person just wakes up and says nope i am done. I feel besides medical issues it may be more a psychological issue.
I find it is weird that so many wives seem to do this especially if the sex life was good/ and positive at first... i could understand if a person never enjoyed it.
what changed between when it was working and when it is not.... what outside irritant made it harder to become interested.
To be honest there were a few times in marriage i said no or did the starfish thing because i was not aroused and women really need to be to fully enjoy the experience IMO and i wish i had spoken up about those feelings.
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Post by anotherdavid on Sept 8, 2023 10:37:34 GMT -5
It's not selfish. It is her obligation to explain it to you. Further, it is her responsibility to figure it out, whether it is medical, emotional, or whatever. Imagine if you announced to her that you just have no desire to talk or communicate in any way with her going forward. And then assure her that it wasn't anything she did. Welcome to the saddest club. I hope you'll find some answers and strategies reading through the forums. Thats a really interesting analogy about not having any desire to communicate anymore; here's another I guess "sorry love but I woke up this morning and just don't fancy paying the bills any more but don't worry; its me not you and no I don't want to discuss it" 😂😂 |
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Post by blunder8 on Sept 8, 2023 15:59:54 GMT -5
It's not selfish. It is her obligation to explain it to you. Further, it is her responsibility to figure it out, whether it is medical, emotional, or whatever. Imagine if you announced to her that you just have no desire to talk or communicate in any way with her going forward. And then assure her that it wasn't anything she did. Welcome to the saddest club. I hope you'll find some answers and strategies reading through the forums. Thats a really interesting analogy about not having any desire to communicate anymore; here's another I guess "sorry love but I woke up this morning and just don't fancy paying the bills any more but don't worry; its me not you and no I don't want to discuss it" 😂😂 Exactly. Marriage comes with responsibilities to each other (them pesky vows). I'm sure there are a hundred other examples in which we could say "sorry, just not feeling it anymore." |
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Post by baza on Sept 8, 2023 20:22:47 GMT -5
Early 40s guy here, married since i was 19. Im sure there are unfortunately too many people here, male and female, who share my story and circumstances. ivr always had a high drive for intimacy and sex, a trait my wife and I shared for many years. Until one day a couple of years ago she suddenly announced her sex drive was gone, nothing medical, I was concerned but she assured me, nothing I had done. she just woke up one day and realized, im not interested in sex anymore. Now of course im paraphrasing but that was the gist of it. I asked if it was something id done, something i could help with, even if it were her feelings for me had changed. she insisted it was none of those. Is it selfish to want more? to expect an explanation? It reads like you got your explanation Brother lonewalker . But you dont seem to think its a very good or valid explanation. The thing is, it doesnt particularly matter what the refusers rationale or reason or excuse is. It doesnt change the facts on the ground, and in these ILIASM situations it is the facts - and only the facts - you have to deal with. As you have presented them, the facts are that she doesnt want to have sex with you Knowing "Why" she doesn't want to have sex with you is not particularly helpful information in these situations. Suggestions - 1 - as far as possible dont waste too much effort on "why" chasing. It is a dead end. 2 - as far as possible, avoid "blame apportioning", that's anothert dead end. 3 - deal with the facts of your situation, starting with a cold dispassionate review of your situation, the good, bad and ugly components of your relationship. Get a handle on what you are really dealing with. Good luck |
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Post by lonewalker on Sept 9, 2023 3:05:23 GMT -5
Early 40s guy here, married since i was 19. Im sure there are unfortunately too many people here, male and female, who share my story and circumstances. ivr always had a high drive for intimacy and sex, a trait my wife and I shared for many years. Until one day a couple of years ago she suddenly announced her sex drive was gone, nothing medical, I was concerned but she assured me, nothing I had done. she just woke up one day and realized, im not interested in sex anymore. Now of course im paraphrasing but that was the gist of it. I asked if it was something id done, something i could help with, even if it were her feelings for me had changed. she insisted it was none of those. Is it selfish to want more? to expect an explanation? It is not selfish at all to want more or expect an explanation! Something is up with her ... you don't just stop having interest anymore. Either she's going through something, mentally or physically, and just can't bring herself to tell you, or she's getting it on the side. Don't beat yourself up ... she needs to explain. I have tried it get her to talk, I was scared to death it might have been something medical but she takes very good care of herself and has shown no signs. I’ve asked if it were me, she swears no, I asked if she was going through depression, she said no. I even offer to go to couples therapy…thank you for the kind words |
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Post by toughtiger on Sept 9, 2023 9:28:20 GMT -5
lonewalker says: "I have tried it get her to talk, I was scared to death it might have been something medical but she takes very good care of herself and has shown no signs. I’ve asked if it were me, she swears no, I asked if she was going through depression, she said no. I even offer to go to couples therapy…thank you for the kind words" Seems you provided her with possible excuses and she did not take them... which IMO makes a further explanation a necessity
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Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 13, 2023 19:57:53 GMT -5
I think they have the responsibility to bring it up to their doctor the gyno would be best she might have hormone issues she might be starting menopause.
My ex got ed I won't bore you with the details but basically he had no desire to address it. Even when he did he got the pills they didn't work and that was it. But let me tell you when the sex life was great he didn't want to hear I was up all night with the baby even one day.
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 18, 2023 7:16:32 GMT -5
To be honest there were a few times in marriage i said no or did the starfish thing because i was not aroused and women really need to be to fully enjoy the experience IMO and i wish i had spoken up about those feelings. A critical element is that the wife needs to care that she is not aroused. The emotional component can undermine that. You need to "want to want to". Arousal largely begins as a voluntary decision. It may mean saying "Yes" in the absence of arousal when able to entertain the probability that responsive desire may result. Before we'd gone sexless, my wife made the effort to read spicy romance novels to make "the mood" happen. Not sure if she still does that or not now that we've reset. Every three weeks appears to be enough for her hormone levels to reach critical mass and it's typically a pretty good time for both. |
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