Your partner is depressed-should you support them?
Oct 8, 2023 8:39:30 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 8, 2023 8:39:30 GMT -5
medium.com/on-the-couch/your-partners-depressed-should-you-support-them-28544d140b37
Your Partner’s Depressed — Should You Support Them?
When and where do you draw the line?
Karen Nimmo
On The Couch
Okay, I hear the gasps of horror over this title.
What? A depressed partner? Of course you should support them when they’re going through mental illness! That’s what a relationship — love — is all about. How could a clinical psychologist float such a thing?
But, hold on a minute.
Let me put my case.
Through my work as a therapist, I’ve seen so many people struggle in relationships with depressed partners that I’ve had to look at it from both sides.
Most depressed people don’t just struggle with low mood. Depression is a package deal, bringing a deluge of emotions — sadness, irritability/anger, fear, guilt, self-blame, self-criticism, hopelessness, despair and suicidal thoughts.
Then there are the behaviours that frequently go with them. For example, withdrawal and isolation, lack of energy and motivation, unwillingness to leave the house or engage with others; the self-harm attempts, impulsivity and/or reckless behaviours, addictions, conflict, loss of interest in, often, anything. And more, sometimes much more.
It’s a lot for any partner to support. A LOT. Because it’s worrying, frustrating, unpredictable —exhausting. You learn to live on high alert, in a constant state of anticipation, not sure what to do (or how much to encourage or push) waiting for the next crisis.
Many partners report feeling helpless in the face of it — especially when the condition is chronic or recurring.
So it’s only human to question wanting to be there. Even if you don’t say it out loud. Even if it’s only in your head.
In sickness and in health, right?
When you sign up for a serious relationship, it’s usually under the “better or for worse” banner — even if there’s no binding contract.
If you love someone, you expect to be there for them in good times and in bad — including when they are not well. That’s part of the deal. But when bad times strike (and persist) it puts a huge strain on even the best relationships.
I’ve worked with many people struggling with their depressed (or mentally unwell in other ways) partners. They tend to shelve— even ignore — their own needs in order to do the right thing for their partners, to be there for them providing a constant source of support.
My job is to help them correct the balance, or at least to figure out how much support is too much, to keep an eye on their mental health as they shoulder an often dreadfully one-sided load.
These are the questions I often float as we work through their difficulties.
* Is your partner getting treatment?
Are they taking medication or seeing a therapist? Do they have access to online tips and tools that will help them manage their condition? Have they got a basic, healthy daily routine set down to follow? It may be that your partner needs more help than you can provide — don’t be ashamed of that, or to reach out on their behalf. Although, ultimately, showing up and doing the work will be their responsibility.
* Are they making an effort to get well?
To be fair, a severely depressed person may struggle to find the energy for this. But you can assess their engagement through the little things. Are they trying to follow their routine? Are they eating well (and regularly), going for a walk or doing a simple form of exercise most days? Are they compliant with medication? If they have a therapist are they following through on suggestions or doing their “homework”?
* Are they grateful for your support?
If you are anyone’s support person you deserve to be acknowledged and thanked. It’s not too much to expect, or even ask for.
* Can they acknowledge your needs within the relationship?
One of the difficulties with mental health is that it promotes self-focus. When you are unwell, it inclines you to focus relentlessly on how you are thinking/feeling and behaving. While this is not intended to be at the expense of others, it sometimes goes that way. Your emotional needs — as well as your work, your friendships, your interests— should be acknowledged.
* Is your own mental health being negatively impacted?
This is the unfortunate fallout of being a caregiver for someone who is mentally unwell. Even those who are mentally and emotionally healthy and resilient will get dragged down by being around someone who is chronically depressed. Keep tabs on yourself. How much has their illness changed you?
* Is their condition — thoughts, emotions and behaviour — motivated by depression or toxicity?
Unfortunately, depression is not always just depression. It is sometimes part of a more toxic presentation or personality disordered behaviour. You may need to get professional help to discern between the two.
The key may lie in the history of your relationship — has the depression meant a marked change in your partner’s personality? Did they previously (pre-depression) treat you well? Or were some of their words and behaviours toxic? Did they always expect more from you in the relationship?
Depressed people need support so this story is not designed to have you looking around for the exit door. It’s to help you analyse (honestly) who you are in a relationship with.
The bottom line is that you do need to be a supportive partner BUT you don’t need to stay with someone who consistently treats you poorly.
Your needs need to be factored in.
If you feel loved, and your depressed or struggling partner is genuinely trying manage their symptoms or get well, you’ll be inclined to support them — to stay in the game.
But if it’s one-sided — a game where you are being dragged down with no positive signs that things will change, then you may need to ask yourself a tough question:
Do I really need to stay?
Your Partner’s Depressed — Should You Support Them?
When and where do you draw the line?
Karen Nimmo
On The Couch
Okay, I hear the gasps of horror over this title.
What? A depressed partner? Of course you should support them when they’re going through mental illness! That’s what a relationship — love — is all about. How could a clinical psychologist float such a thing?
But, hold on a minute.
Let me put my case.
Through my work as a therapist, I’ve seen so many people struggle in relationships with depressed partners that I’ve had to look at it from both sides.
Most depressed people don’t just struggle with low mood. Depression is a package deal, bringing a deluge of emotions — sadness, irritability/anger, fear, guilt, self-blame, self-criticism, hopelessness, despair and suicidal thoughts.
Then there are the behaviours that frequently go with them. For example, withdrawal and isolation, lack of energy and motivation, unwillingness to leave the house or engage with others; the self-harm attempts, impulsivity and/or reckless behaviours, addictions, conflict, loss of interest in, often, anything. And more, sometimes much more.
It’s a lot for any partner to support. A LOT. Because it’s worrying, frustrating, unpredictable —exhausting. You learn to live on high alert, in a constant state of anticipation, not sure what to do (or how much to encourage or push) waiting for the next crisis.
Many partners report feeling helpless in the face of it — especially when the condition is chronic or recurring.
So it’s only human to question wanting to be there. Even if you don’t say it out loud. Even if it’s only in your head.
In sickness and in health, right?
When you sign up for a serious relationship, it’s usually under the “better or for worse” banner — even if there’s no binding contract.
If you love someone, you expect to be there for them in good times and in bad — including when they are not well. That’s part of the deal. But when bad times strike (and persist) it puts a huge strain on even the best relationships.
I’ve worked with many people struggling with their depressed (or mentally unwell in other ways) partners. They tend to shelve— even ignore — their own needs in order to do the right thing for their partners, to be there for them providing a constant source of support.
My job is to help them correct the balance, or at least to figure out how much support is too much, to keep an eye on their mental health as they shoulder an often dreadfully one-sided load.
These are the questions I often float as we work through their difficulties.
* Is your partner getting treatment?
Are they taking medication or seeing a therapist? Do they have access to online tips and tools that will help them manage their condition? Have they got a basic, healthy daily routine set down to follow? It may be that your partner needs more help than you can provide — don’t be ashamed of that, or to reach out on their behalf. Although, ultimately, showing up and doing the work will be their responsibility.
* Are they making an effort to get well?
To be fair, a severely depressed person may struggle to find the energy for this. But you can assess their engagement through the little things. Are they trying to follow their routine? Are they eating well (and regularly), going for a walk or doing a simple form of exercise most days? Are they compliant with medication? If they have a therapist are they following through on suggestions or doing their “homework”?
* Are they grateful for your support?
If you are anyone’s support person you deserve to be acknowledged and thanked. It’s not too much to expect, or even ask for.
* Can they acknowledge your needs within the relationship?
One of the difficulties with mental health is that it promotes self-focus. When you are unwell, it inclines you to focus relentlessly on how you are thinking/feeling and behaving. While this is not intended to be at the expense of others, it sometimes goes that way. Your emotional needs — as well as your work, your friendships, your interests— should be acknowledged.
* Is your own mental health being negatively impacted?
This is the unfortunate fallout of being a caregiver for someone who is mentally unwell. Even those who are mentally and emotionally healthy and resilient will get dragged down by being around someone who is chronically depressed. Keep tabs on yourself. How much has their illness changed you?
* Is their condition — thoughts, emotions and behaviour — motivated by depression or toxicity?
Unfortunately, depression is not always just depression. It is sometimes part of a more toxic presentation or personality disordered behaviour. You may need to get professional help to discern between the two.
The key may lie in the history of your relationship — has the depression meant a marked change in your partner’s personality? Did they previously (pre-depression) treat you well? Or were some of their words and behaviours toxic? Did they always expect more from you in the relationship?
Depressed people need support so this story is not designed to have you looking around for the exit door. It’s to help you analyse (honestly) who you are in a relationship with.
The bottom line is that you do need to be a supportive partner BUT you don’t need to stay with someone who consistently treats you poorly.
Your needs need to be factored in.
If you feel loved, and your depressed or struggling partner is genuinely trying manage their symptoms or get well, you’ll be inclined to support them — to stay in the game.
But if it’s one-sided — a game where you are being dragged down with no positive signs that things will change, then you may need to ask yourself a tough question:
Do I really need to stay?
