Life is so good when we stop pleasing others

Life Is So Good When We Let Go of The Need To Please Others
That’s when we truly create space for what matters in our lives.
Patrícia Williams


From a young age, many of us are conditioned to seek approval from our parents, teachers, peers, and later, from colleagues and society at large.

Sometimes, this conditioning is so ingrained that we don’t know how to build authentic, balanced relationships that are not rooted in our need to please others— we don’t know how to feel good about ourselves without seeking external approval and acceptance.

When that’s the case, life can feel draining and emotionally exhausting, like an endless quest for affirmation where our sense of self hinges on the opinions of those around us.

I’ve been there. I used to navigate life constantly seeking validation, second-guessing every decision in fear of disappointing those around me. On a subconscious level, the pursuit of external approval dictated the way I presented myself to the world, causing a cycle of anxiety and self-doubt that left me yearning for a deeper, more authentic connection with myself and others.

Thankfully, I’ve left that pattern behind. And let me tell you: it’s so good to be on the other side.

If we want to get rid of our need to please others, we need to have a deep understanding of why we have it in the first place.

At the core, people-pleasing can be a coping mechanism rooted in a fear of disapproval or abandonment. As children, many of us learn that conforming to the expectations of authority figures results in acceptance and love. This conditioning can carry into adulthood, where the desire for approval becomes deeply ingrained, shaping our interactions and decisions.

When we grow up in a particularly volatile environment, the thought of causing conflict can be deeply unsettling. We may have learned to navigate our surroundings by constantly adapting to the needs and expectations of those around us. In such situations, the ability to anticipate and meet the desires of others becomes a survival strategy, offering a semblance of stability and safety.

That was my case. I became adept at reading the room, sensing the moods of those around me, and adjusting my behavior to maintain harmony.

These experiences lead us to develop beliefs like:

“Putting my needs first is inherently selfish and inconsiderate”;
“I must be agreeable at all times to be considered likable”;
“Expressing my needs or desires will cause conflict and push people away ”;
“If I don’t conform, I’ll be rejected”;
“I must be perfect to be truly accepted and loved”.


A few days ago, my parents asked me to meet up with a family friend to exchange Christmas presents — gifts we hadn’t had the chance to share during the festive season.

Seemed like a simple request, right? The problem was, I didn’t want to be anywhere near that person.

The last couple of times I hung out with her, it was a challenging experience. She had a knack for making comments that rubbed me the wrong way, and her tone carried a constant undertone of snarkiness when discussing my life. I felt uncomfortable and downright disrespected.

This was the kind of situation that, years ago, I would’ve navigated by dismissing my feelings and complying with expectations — meeting her anyway, despite my discomfort. But thankfully, I’ve changed.

Now, I’m not afraid to set my boundaries. In this situation, that meant I refused to spend any time or energy dealing with this person. So, I took a stand. I politely declined the request, explaining that I wouldn’t be able to meet up. No elaborate excuses, no apologies — just a firm assertion of my boundaries.

In that moment, I realized how much I’ve changed. The old me would have succumbed to the pressure of external expectations, but the current me understands that my well-being is non-negotiable. And in making that choice, I reclaimed not just my time and energy but also a sense of agency over my life.

Now, I know I don’t need to subject myself to an unnecessary interaction that will make me feel uneasy.

Now, I know I don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting my mental and emotional space.


As people-pleasers, we’re constantly in this tug-of-war between what we genuinely want and what we think others expect from us. We agree to plans that don’t align with our aspirations and say yes to commitments we’d rather decline, all while that authentic spark within us gradually diminishes.

Every ‘yes’ to others becomes a ‘no’ to our own well-being, dreams, and precious time.

The highs of receiving approval might be momentarily exhilarating, but they’re quickly followed by the lows of potential criticism or disapproval. Over time, the exhilaration of approval wanes, and the fear of criticism intensifies… And, what once felt like a source of validation becomes an unpredictable source of anxiety.

The good news is, we don’t have to live this way.

It’s possible to break these patterns and develop healthier coping mechanisms. By setting boundaries, learning to say ‘no’ when necessary, and prioritizing our well-being, we can carve a path toward a life that resonates with our true desires and values.

The thing about boundaries is that we need to feel worthy of setting them — worthy of prioritizing our needs, desires, and well-being without a lingering sense of guilt or self-doubt. Otherwise, the cycle of seeking external validation will persist.

When we let go of our people-pleasing tendencies, our lives suddenly have much more space to breathe and thrive. It’s like clearing out a cluttered room, making way for what truly matters in the grand scheme of our existence.

It’s no wonder why — the energy we invested in pleasing others is now focused on ourselves. Rather than being scattered in a thousand directions, it can now be directed towards our passions, self-care, and the things that truly light us up.

So, if you’re a people-pleaser, remind yourself that your energy is a precious resource, and you get to choose where it flows.

You don’t owe anyone the sacrifice of your authentic self to meet their expectations. You don’t owe anyone your time if it compromises your peace of mind.



medium.com/illumination/life-is-so-good-when-we-let-go-of-the-need-to-please-others-ddf7b984e293