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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 23, 2024 7:14:20 GMT -5
I kid you not - just had a discussion with someone over the course of a day or two - (online), and the proceeded to disagree with me about sexual withholding and how sex isn't required in marriage, and some people just aren't in the mood, and how my "transactional" attitude is the problem, etc.. Then the say they are ACE.
I'm sorry, I know it may step on toes a little, but I refuse to be lectured on heterosexual marriage by someone who is diagnosed asexual or identifies as asexual - and somehow their diagnosis and opinion is valid.
Is this wrong, I compare it to me being in a heterosexual marriage - lecturing a lesbian couple on how their marriage should be sexually. I simply don't have the same perspective and I feel for this person to do so it is arrogant and agenda driven presumption to in this type of social media bashing and commentary. I just see it as sh*t pot stirring to get their keyboard warrior rocks off.
Am I wrong?
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 23, 2024 7:34:18 GMT -5
Marriage itself may not be defined by sex but personally i enjoy sex. I'm only allowed to have sex with one person and that one person decided that they don't want sex therefore I have to accept that I can't have sex either for thr rest of my life...now we have a problem. In a marriage both members should have each other's needs in mind when making decisions. Of course those needs just may not be compatible.
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 23, 2024 8:04:11 GMT -5
Yep - I just find the agenda driven "disagreement" with my take on removal of intimacy has to revolve around someone's take on what's normal sex when they openly dismiss the need for physical touch because of their asexual orientation. It's disingenuous, and I think simply pot stirring to produce response from people so they can sit back and self validate their own perspective. People tend to be trash.
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 23, 2024 8:10:32 GMT -5
Yep - I just find the agenda driven "disagreement" with my take on removal of intimacy has to revolve around someone's take on what's normal sex when they openly dismiss the need for physical touch because of their asexual orientation. It's disingenuous, and I think simply pot stirring to produce response from people so they can sit back and self validate their own perspective. People tend to be trash. Unfortunately I'm living this now with my wife. |
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Post by aquacat on Feb 23, 2024 8:29:15 GMT -5
Sounds like what my wife tells me about sex in our marriage. This is why I think she may be asexual but that could just be me trying to justify why she is the way she is about sex. I'm sorry you went through that lonelyhubby |
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 23, 2024 8:41:58 GMT -5
I kid you not - just had a discussion with someone over the course of a day or two - (online), and the proceeded to disagree with me about sexual withholding and how sex isn't required in marriage, and some people just aren't in the mood, and how my "transactional" attitude is the problem, etc.. Then the say they are ACE. There is some rich irony there… asexuals take an unpopular position on sex and expect their orientation to be accepted, and then proceed to be intolerant of those who don’t hold their view? Sex is literally the defining element of marriage, even common-law marriage. It’s the thing that differentiates marriage from platonic relationships, and it’s the act that consummates marriage. It’s a bit disingenuous to claim that sex and marriage aren’t intertwined. DC |
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m76
Full Member
Posts: 416
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Post by m76 on Feb 23, 2024 8:49:07 GMT -5
I kid you not - just had a discussion with someone over the course of a day or two - (online), and the proceeded to disagree with me about sexual withholding and how sex isn't required in marriage, and some people just aren't in the mood, and how my "transactional" attitude is the problem, etc.. Then the say they are ACE. There is some rich irony there… asexuals take an unpopular position on sex and expect their orientation to be accepted, and then proceed to be intolerant of those who don’t hold their view? Sex is literally the defining element of marriage, even common-law marriage. It’s the thing that differentiates marriage from platonic relationships, and it’s the act that consummates marriage. It’s a bit disingenuous to claim that sex and marriage aren’t intertwined. DC I would counter that a marriage could be a partnership that doesn't involve sex if both parties are aware and accept it. Unfortunately more often then not its one sided or sneaks in after sexual activity was accepted at the beginning of the relationship. |
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Post by lonelyhubby on Feb 23, 2024 8:53:56 GMT -5
Exactly - has to be agreed upon by both
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Post by DryCreek on Feb 23, 2024 9:16:21 GMT -5
I would counter that a marriage could be a partnership that doesn't involve sex if both parties are aware and accept it. Unfortunately more often then not its one sided or sneaks in after sexual activity was accepted at the beginning of the relationship. Certainly, anything can be agreed with mutual consent. But absent that re-definition, there is a standard expectation. People are trying to claim the expectation should be different when it’s their own view that’s unique. Just like you expect your car to come with a motor without asking for one. And while you *can* use a butter knife as a screwdriver, that’s not what someone expects when asking for a tool. DC |
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patrick
Junior Member
Posts: 21
Age Range: 70+
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Post by patrick on Feb 23, 2024 9:32:04 GMT -5
Unfortunately I'm living this now with my wife. Don't feel like the Lone Ranger…I expect many of us here are…but are “choosing to stay” for various reasons…🤷♂️ |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 26, 2024 20:19:19 GMT -5
Yep - I just find the agenda driven "disagreement" with my take on removal of intimacy has to revolve around someone's take on what's normal sex when they openly dismiss the need for physical touch because of their asexual orientation.... Some asexuals may find great value in non-sexual touch. Hugging, holding hands, cuddling. Asexuals can be hopeless romantics. They believe in all five love languages, they just deny that touching of genitals must be part of the equation. I'd agree, if such agreement is made in advance (as consensus here seems to indicate), and preferably, you'd be allowed to change your mind if you were wrong. I could say the same could apply to sexual marriages, but that whole forsaking thing drags the other person along into the unwelcome change. There's a right to change your mind, but there should also be a right not to change it. That forsaking thing blows marriages apart when nothing else seems to. Some reevaluationb and updating may be called for here. Do asexuals insist that their partners kiss, cuddle, nuzzle, and give back rubs to no one but them? If their spouse decides saliva is revolting, can an asexual spouse kiss someone else? Or must they forsake all others? How many types of touch could they sacrifice before they'd believe they'd been swindled? |
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Post by toughtiger on Feb 27, 2024 9:40:40 GMT -5
I recently met a person who had a horrible end to their marriage ...
they still strongly support counseling even though it did not work for them ....
I opened up a bit about my marriage they said it was all annoying small things that i should find a way to overcome...... that I need to quit sweating the small stuff.
I then said we have not had sex in 3-4 years .... they looked at me and said "marriage is OVER".
Regardless what an asexual says or anyone else........... i think if you polled the majority of married or former married ...... sex is a foundation block of marriage and like any building take a corner foundation piece out and see how long the building stands.
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