Post by lr79 on Apr 28, 2024 3:48:55 GMT -5
I guess I am posting on this thread for anyone who's been through similar and can share advice I am soon to be 45 and wife is 40 and time without any sex now approaching 3 years - reasons why I am reluctant to separate are
1. Costs of divorce as we bought house together in Jan 2022 - every single mortgage payment has been made by me and majority but not all bills are also paid by me - she has paid for new windows, new front and back doors and back garden being done 3 times outright (as it can flare up in arguments over who pays what and who would get what)
2. The fear of me having to start again is overwhelming as asides from her (been together 14.5 years married nearly 10) only other relationships were 2 lasting barely a month only had sex in one of them and both ended by her cheating. The lack of experience I have with sex makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed and that i'll never be good enough - a lot of my sex pleasure has been self pleasure over the years and separating is not exactly going to get me any nearer to my dream of starting a family as already given up hope of ever finding anyone else be it lack of confidence (from insults about being ugly in my younger days), or thinking no one younger than 40 would be interested in me as would think im too old or who would want someone freshly divorced and even in the unlikely event I find someone baby wouldn't happen straight away....wife thinks if we save a bit we will start trying later this year but I personally think she's delusional as a couple who haven't had sex for nearly 3 years are hardly on the right track?!
3. I would have nowhere to go as I gave up my car (hire purchase) as our mortgage went up this year so get buses to and from work and my parents live 25 miles away (hers are similar distance but she does have car)
Do I love her.....yes...am I in love with her....no and that may be a case of being checked out because of lack of sex, or that I'm not really attracted to her (again resentment over lack of sex and not having started family yet may be driving those feelings)
I would sum it up by saying I feel lost and helpless and that I don't belong in life feel like my depression is fully back again but I refuse to go on meds because they don't help and seen stories of side effects on this forum which put me off
1. Costs of divorce as we bought house together in Jan 2022 - every single mortgage payment has been made by me and majority but not all bills are also paid by me - she has paid for new windows, new front and back doors and back garden being done 3 times outright (as it can flare up in arguments over who pays what and who would get what)
2. The fear of me having to start again is overwhelming as asides from her (been together 14.5 years married nearly 10) only other relationships were 2 lasting barely a month only had sex in one of them and both ended by her cheating. The lack of experience I have with sex makes me feel ashamed, embarrassed and that i'll never be good enough - a lot of my sex pleasure has been self pleasure over the years and separating is not exactly going to get me any nearer to my dream of starting a family as already given up hope of ever finding anyone else be it lack of confidence (from insults about being ugly in my younger days), or thinking no one younger than 40 would be interested in me as would think im too old or who would want someone freshly divorced and even in the unlikely event I find someone baby wouldn't happen straight away....wife thinks if we save a bit we will start trying later this year but I personally think she's delusional as a couple who haven't had sex for nearly 3 years are hardly on the right track?!
3. I would have nowhere to go as I gave up my car (hire purchase) as our mortgage went up this year so get buses to and from work and my parents live 25 miles away (hers are similar distance but she does have car)
Do I love her.....yes...am I in love with her....no and that may be a case of being checked out because of lack of sex, or that I'm not really attracted to her (again resentment over lack of sex and not having started family yet may be driving those feelings)
I would sum it up by saying I feel lost and helpless and that I don't belong in life feel like my depression is fully back again but I refuse to go on meds because they don't help and seen stories of side effects on this forum which put me off